HAS your lovely holiday weather been brought to an end by a huge storm? Here’s eight things to do until it’s over.
BRITAIN’S biggest problem is not coronavirus or Brexit but the bastards who educate small children, the government has confirmed.
HAVE you ever wondered where your retired parents find their extreme right-wing talking points?
EXPERTS have warned Britain to prepare for intense periods of mindless chatter about the weather when the heatwave breaks.
YOU call them migrants. I call it an invasion worse than anything the Nazis planned so our shores must be defended by any means necessary. And I’m home secretary.
AN A-LEVEL student has admitted he is on tenterhooks to find out what his teachers took a wild guess at his results being.
A FAMILY cat has decided to bestow her affection on whichever member of the household cares about her the least.
PUBLIC sex with strangers is nothing to be ashamed of, but class differences can still make the atmosphere in the car park rather awkward.
A WOMAN capable of finding wonder in all life’s hidden gifts is an absolutely unbearable tosspot.
A MIDDLE-AGED man has decided that his face mask and an 8ft plastic screen are no barrier to chatting up a checkout girl in Tesco.
A WASP has entered a living room in the confident expectation that everyone there will be really pleased to see it.
WHEN Britain ruled the world, its colonial governors wore three-piece suits with top hats and watch chains in the height of Ceylonese summer. As we all should.
THE CHALLENGES set for celebrities in the UK-based of I'm A Celebrity will include surviving a night out in Cardiff and queuing for three hours for the tip.
BRITAIN is looking forward to another day of sweltering weather with all swimming pools closed, beaches overcrowded, and beer gardens dicey at best.
OH dear, you’ve just drunkenly bought overpriced tat that you'll never use from eBay again, haven’t you? Clear your conscience with these tips:
THE ponciest areas of London are to be placed in permanent lockdown, it has been confirmed.
A MAN is disappointed by the post-lockdown pub experience as it appears to involve nothing more than having a quiet drink with friends at a table.
TRYING to cut down on carbs? Prepare these meals, eat them, feel sad and open a family bag of Monster Munch to weep into anyway.
A COUPLE eat their dinner so f**king late it is unbelievable, their friends have confirmed.
YOU don’t get to choose your colleagues or your children but this year you’ve had to work with both. Which are more irritating?