IT'S important nowadays to be able to communicate effectively with modern digital technology. Unless you're a dad. Here are some classic dad text replies:
THIS year has been shit enough without attempting to sort out all the huge, festering problems in your life. So treat keep sweeping all of these things under the carpet until 2020 is over.
JUST because the world is in the grip of an accelerating pandemic doesn’t mean you can't have friends over to snort a little sherbert. Just follow these rules:
With casual sex off the table, how can you be sure you’re allowed to jump someone’s bones? Find out with this quiz by health secretary Matt Hancock.
A WOMAN on a health kick has supplemented her juice diet by blending an entire Brie, along with two packets of Wotsits and some ham.
WITH the Crown Estate due to receive a bailout after a slump in revenue, the Queen has been spotted spending her first welfare cheque on cheap fags and booze.
A COUPLE who regularly have loud, angry arguments and scream 'I hate you' believe it is a sign of a healthy relationship.
A DOG has been left humiliated after his owner forced him to wear a novelty jumper on a walk around the park.
IT’S inevitable that you’ll eventually bump into some twat from school while shopping. Here are some you should have looked out for in the ready meal aisle.
IF you have a tenuous grasp of facts and reality then Brexit is going great guns. Here are six deluded reasons why we’re totally smashing the process of leaving the EU.
RISHI Sunak has replaced furlough, which pays you for doing nothing, with the Job Support Scheme that pays you for doing less. But how does it work?
LOCKED-DOWN students are dumping their partners at home or other universities at the rate of one every 45 seconds, it has emerged.
YOUNG people have spent so long not associating with each other that they no longer have the skills to perform sexual intercourse.
A MAN has been to his barber for his fourth haircut of 2020 like the high-maintenance bastard he is, it has emerged.
DO you think you’re impressing people by quoting wise sayings? Check they’re not the following overused phrases and you actually sound like a twat.
IT is vital that women know what men on the internet think is wrong with their bodies. Here’s how to go about this noble work.
BOUGHT a pricey mask, got a Pret subscription, risked your life on public transport - only to be sent home from the office? Here’s how to cope with working in the kitchen again.
A DOG has confirmed that he has no leads on the source of the huge dog turd currently steaming on the living room carpet.
EVERY Brexiter will be expected to host a lorry on their drive or front lawn to help Kent deal with the 7,000-strong queues expected after the transition period.
THE government’s new Covid tracing app, finally launched today, has the unfortunate side-effect of giving you Covid.