Six phrases that instantly single you out as an absolute b*llend
MET someone who believes ‘gin o’clock!’ is the last word in wit? What a great timesaver to discovering they’re a tedious c*ck. Watch out for these:
Five films from your childhood to screw up your kids with
DO you think it’s only fair that your kids should suffer through the films that traumatised you as a child?
Is saying ‘Go back to your own country’ racist or are you f**king kidding me?
IS telling someone non-white to go back to their own country, as President Trump did, racist or are you seriously asking that question?
Holding up traffic best part of tractor driver’s day
A TRACTOR driver holding up a long queue of traffic on an A-road has admitted he is absolutely f**king loving it.
Kids sent home from school with whole year’s worth of sh*t
CHILDREN are unexpectedly appearing at the school gates with a full year’s worth of books, artwork, homework and all the other crap, parents have confirmed.
Self-help book really giving woman the confidence to bang on about her problems
A POP psychology book has really helped a woman unburden herself of her trivial, tedious problems to everyone she meets.
Exorcism casts vegan cheese straight back to hell
VEGAN cheese has been cast back into the hell from which it was spawned from, exorcists have confirmed.
Wetherspoons to replace foreign beers with bags of glue
JD Wetherspoons has confirmed that it will be removing all foreign drinks from its pubs and replacing them with proper British bags of sniffing glue.
People who don’t like cricket are wrong, say experts
CRICKET is brilliant and if you disagree you are less than a buffoon, according to experts.
Office worker having lovely day off in office
AN office worker has taken a much needed day off for rest and relaxation within the confines of his office.
Are you a far-right extremist or were you just picked last for football in school?
FILLED with hate? Directing it at vulnerable targets? You could be a neo-Nazi, or you could be kicking out at the world because Darren Jackson always got picked before you at football.
Eco-friendly couple discover their marriage is disposable
A COUPLE who are strict vegans, wear upcycled clothing and go on holiday by train have realised their marriage is toxic and disposable.
Cricket fans ready to trash Waitrose if England win World Cup
CRICKET fans are threatening to rampage through Waitrose, Cath Kidston and SpaceNK wreaking havoc if England win today’s World Cup.
How to justify your long-haul holiday to your socially conscious friends
SPENDING thousands on a fancy summer holiday but worried about being looked down on by your sanctimonious friends? Here’s how to get away with it.
Man given glass of wine at 1pm has no option now but to keep drinking
A MAN given a glass of white wine at 1pm has been left with no choice but to continue drinking until nightfall.
Ed Sheeran quietly confident that next single will do well at regional corporate awards ceremonies
ED Sheeran admitted he does not want to jinx it, but he can see more than a few regional sales award winners taking the stage to his next track come December.
Tommy Robinson’s guide to how the law is racist against white people
HELLO. I’m Tommy Robinson, like the jam that used to have golliwogs on and they should bring back. But did you know our legal system is biased against white people? Here’s how.
Woman who asked for ‘civilised’ hen do realises she’s made a terrible mistake
A WOMAN who told friends organising her hen do that she did not want anything involving penis straws, sashes or getting absolutely sh*tfaced is regretting her actions.
Man worried he has never had a fight
A MAN is worried he will probably die without ever having had a proper fist fight.
Five bullsh*t old wives’ tales idiots still believe in
DO you have an intellectually challenged friend or relative who absolutely will not give up their belief that carrots give you night vision? Here is some other rubbish to ignore.
