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    the dailymash

    Thursday, 25th February 2021
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    • Mash Books

    How to cope with being in love with Lucy Worsley

    ARE you hopelessly besotted with TV historian Lucy Worsley? It’s never going to work out, so here is a guide to coping and maybe one day moving on.

    ‘I was definitely the worst-looking one in the threesome’ and other great humblebrags

    THE art of the self-deprecating show-off is a subtle one. Here’s how to become pro-level at inspiring envy while remaining humble.

    How to be cancelled for being a celebrity dick: the Laurence Fox guide

    CAREER flagging? Why not get yourself in the headlines by being cancelled, like I did?

    Petty bastard looking forward to the round you owe him

    A PENNY-PINCHING bastard of a mate is looking forward to pubs reopening so he can collect on that pint you owe him from 2020.

    Bringing back corporal punishment, and four other political goals for Brexiters

    BREXIT has happened and is good and bloody hard, so are hardcore Brexiters happy? Of course not. Leaver Roy Hobbs explains what he’s rabidly obsessing over now.

    Britain set for glorious summer of car park arguments

    THE UK is looking forward to a marvellous summer of bitter arguments in car parks near tourism hotspots.

  • How Britain’s media would respond to bubonic plague

    BRITAIN’S highly responsible and scientifically literate newspapers had the best interests of the people in mind even 700 years ago. Here’s how they reacted to the Black Death.

    ‘This is f**king shit’: six warnings TV and films should really carry

    DISNEY has warned viewers of Muppet Show episodes they contain ‘negative depictions of people or cultures’. But what should they really be warning us about?

    Gyms opening later than pubs as punishment for twats

    THE decision to open pubs earlier than gyms is because all the fitness dickheads needed a time out, SAGE has confirmed.

    ‘The time for criticising our handling of the pandemic has passed’

    THE prime minister has informed Britain that now the virus is beaten, the country must draw a line under any further scrutiny of his actions.

    Daft Punk and five other bands you’ve been repeatedly told you like

    DAFT Punk are splitting up and you’re meant to be sad, because they’re seminal because music writers love them. But do you?

    Hitler Avenue: the street names the British public really want

    LOCAL councils are changing outdated and offensive street names. But what names would the good old British public really like? Here are some suggestions.

    Public on tenterhooks about grouse shooting rules

    AS the prime minister is set to unveil the roadmap out of lockdown, the British public just wants to know when they can resume shooting game birds with guns.

    Harry placed 110,001st in line to the throne behind Danny Dyer

    THE media has demanded that the Duke of Sussex be moved from sixth in line to the throne to 110,001th, behind the Duke of Walford.

    Schools, families meeting outdoors, cheering crowds celebrating Brexit: the roadmap out of lockdown, step-by-step

    THE government is set to announce its roadmap out of lockdown later today. Here’s a step-by-step guide to regaining your freedom.

    American Beauty and five other films it’s not okay to like anymore

    DID your favourite film star Kevin Spacey, and are you now swiftly changing that to something that requires fewer excuses? Don’t pick any of these.

    How to lose money in just 30 minutes

    BORED during lockdown? Run out of stuff to online shop for? Try these five easy ways to lose money from the comfort of your sofa.

    Half-term ‘over’

    THE half-term ‘holiday’ has ‘finished’ and children are going ‘back to school’, their dead-eyed parents have confirmed.

    Five types of twat who are never off the telly

    There are some types of twat who appear on every panel game, discussion programme or reality show going. Here are five offenders you'll definitely recognise.

    Nutella

    Nutella found in every area of child and house

    EVERY area of both a child and the house he lives in has been found to be covered in Nutella, his parents have confirmed.

    NEXT >
    • Features

      • Five weekend activities that say 'this relationship is dead'
      • Boris Johnson's guide to 'levelling up' your life
      • The social media ars*hole's guide to being right
      • Four IKEA products in urgent need of a Brexit makeover
      • Six fun things to do with your Brexit 50p
      • 'It sounds completely insane, but I genuinely like my kids'
      • This year’s top five bullsh*t food trends
      • How to go easy on people who wear hats
    • Arts & Entertainment

      • Bergerac
        Six terrible TV shows you can’t believe you loved as a kid
      • Woman settling down in front of TV to look at phone
      • Anne Robinson already preparing sarcastic bollocks for Countdown
      • Vinyl album still in shrinkwrap four years after purchase wondering what the f**k's going on
      • Mark Kermode's pretentious review of an empty cinema
      • Woman desperate to be Angel from Escape to the Chateau
      • Six embarrassing 80s hits you won't admit you secretly love
      • Friend wants you to watch show that only gets good in season seven
    • Business

      • Farmers and fishermen urged to pay attention to how farming and fishing works
      • How to earn £12.43 on eBay for 40 hours work
      • What to do if you've been shafted by Brexit, by a Brexiter
      • The Brexiter's guide to buying British
      • UK in race against time to spend high street vouchers before shops go bust
    • Environment

      • Beautiful dusting of white snow the last thing we f**king need
      • Insurer disgusted by suggestion it might have to 'pay out' over floods
      • What to do if you're a British crab who can't get to the EU
      • Cocky motorists to drive into unexpectedly deep floods
      • Man recognises individual blades of grass in local park
    • Most Popular

    • Freshers working hard on ridiculous personas

      TEENAGERS about to start university are developing absurd new personalities in an attempt to seem interesting.

    • Man who can't stop talking boll*cks clearly ideal for Brexit negotiations

      BORIS Johnson’s incessant flow of bullsh*t is perfect for Brexit negotiations, it has been claimed.

    • 'Predator' to win all film awards for 30th consecutive year

      PREDATOR is set to continue its unbroken run of winning every film prize since 1988.

    • Berlin to send back thousands of British hipsters

      BERLIN will return thousands of hipsters when Britain fully departs the EU, it has emerged.

    • No, really, what's the plan, though? May asked

      THERESA May has been told that yesterday's speech was great fun but she now needs to announce the real Brexit plan.

    • Unstable friend now somehow a counsellor

      A WOMAN with a chaotic personal life and a history of believing in total nonsense is now being paid to give people advice, shocked friends have revealed.

    • Agony Aunt: Dear Boris, Under no circumstances should you call someone a 'fannybadger'

      Dear Holly, Can you help me come up with an insult that is more accessible to the ignorant underclasses? Yours, Boris

    • Ask Holly: We're going to put on a massive concert to end Nigel Farage - Do you think we can pull it off?

      If Brexit happens the British people will no longer have access to Nutella or Toblerone or Ferrero Rocher, which would be nothing short of a CATASTROPHE.

    • Dear Holly: Do you think I've got that Lyme disease or something?

      “After about nine months there is an intense searing pain in my crotch and, weirdly, I hear a baby crying.”

    • Dear Holly: "I've basically been fannying about"

      I’m in the shit. I need an excuse, and quick, can you help? Yours, Sir John Chilcot

    • Ask Holly: How can I ensure my retorts are always witty in future?

      Dear Holly,
      The other day I got involved in an exchange of  words with a taxi driver and only later did I think of something funny  to say, but by then it was too late.

    • Health

      • Why cases are actually declining, by a moronic lockdown sceptic
      • How to embarrass yourself horribly while getting vaccinated
      • The Tory backbencher's batshit plan for ending lockdown right now
      • I drink fewer than 14 units of alcohol a week, and other lies you tell your GP
    • Society

      • £10 for a book of f**king stamps, and other modern rip-offs
      • Bullshit controversies of the 2020s vs the 1980s - which were best?
      • Millennial convinced pensions are a joke
      • How I would rewrite British history, by a gammon
    • Politics

      • 'Can we please get this f**king culture war going?' ask Tories
      • Opportunity, the future, families: Keir Starmer's maddeningly vague political vision
      • How to get university students on your side, by Gavin Williamson
      • How to get a decent nap during a pandemic, by Boris Johnson
    • Celebrity

      • How to maintain a low profile, by Harry and Meghan
      • How to cope with being a pointless Poundland Royal: Eugenie's advice to her new son
      • Who are you absolutely bloody outraged to see getting the vaccine before you do?
      • I own everything with my face on, and four other laws the Queen pushed through
    • Sport

      • Six Nations rugby
        Six Nations fans forced to piss in pint glasses over Zoom
      • Football club that's 'more than just a football club' just a football club
      • Manchester United nothing but bullies
      • Liverpool to start trying
    • Science & Technology

      • 'Yeah, there's just rocks and shit everywhere' confirms Perseverance rover
      • Five fantastic new emojis just for Guardian readers
      • Everyone secretly grateful for complete losers who write Amazon reviews
      • Woman who took quick glance at Instagram looks up and five years have passed
    • Most Popular

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