IT'S not acceptable for parents to swear at their children, but that doesn't mean you can't be constantly doing it in your mind. Here are five phrases that mean something different from what your kids hear.
A MIDDLE-CLASS couple are desperate to have friends round to show off the expensive and tasteful artisan soap they have in their bathroom.
DON’T sweat the small stuff, say wankers everywhere, but life does not seem to bear that out. Here are five stupid things it's fine to expend mental energy on instead of actual problems.
CONVINCED that healthier eating habits will turn your life around? Here are five poncey foodstuffs to include in your diet that will leave you feeling completely famished.
MIDDLE CLASS children are demanding a minimum standard of chocolate for Halloween and will not accept anything with less than 70 per cent cocoa content.
PEOPLE who insist on using a French accent to order a pastry in a British cafe have confessed that they enjoy being unbearably pretentious.
NEED to get somewhere? Literally all other forms of transport unavailable? You might be forced to catch the bus. Here are five awful bastards you’ll encounter on your journey.
A MAN has begun taking a daily multivitamin tablet in the optimistic hope that it will compensate for a lifetime of strong lager and lamb rogan josh.
A MAN who thinks people expressing opinions about their values is a bad thing is wearing a great big poppy no one can fail to see.
LABOUR is in turmoil over its handling of antisemitism. Here Tory minister Norman Steele explains how his party is completely free of racism and welcomes people of a funny colour.
A SUPPORTER of Jeremy Corbyn firmly believes he can bounce back from losing the 2019 election, resigning as leader and being suspended from the party yesterday.
YOUR Halloween celebrations speak volumes about your social class. Here middle class mum Ellie Shaw tells you how to avoid looking terribly common.
THINKING of moving into a house share because you can’t afford to live by yourself? Here’s the nightmarish living arrangement you’ve got to look forward to.
PEOPLE from Yorkshire and Lancashire are demanding their Covid restrictions are tougher than those in their rival county.
LILY Allen has decreed that it is fine to masturbate in a relationship. Here the pop star who hasn’t had a hit for a while answers all your wanking questions.
LOVE the fascist rantings of the Daily Mail? Want the lifestyle that goes with it? Here are five things that no true Mail fan should be without.
I FEEL good, I feel clean. I have been a long 12 hours without alcohol, including being asleep.
WANT to spend the rest of your life alone without even a whiff of romance? Follow this advice from permanently single twats.
PAUL the psychic octopus was the only thing standing between humanity and catastrophic disaster, scientists have confirmed.
I THOUGHT it would be easy. Marry rich bloated pig man, have quiet life as scowling clothes hanger, wait to outlive him, then have a lovely time as wizened twiglet in killer heels.