A MAN who has abstained from masturbation for 72 hours is acting as if he is the saviour of all mankind.
A letter of complaint to my child’s school after her science project I spent weeks on didn’t win a prize
I write to complain that my daughter Ellie’s recent science project, which I put a lot of effort into, has received no recognition whatsoever.
WHEN you’re a top breakfast TV presenter like me, it’s not always easy to know who or what to pour scorn on next. Here’s how I carefully choose subjects.
A MOTHER-OF-THREE has realised that a stuffed toy fox sent home by school has been visiting her house since 2006.
AMERICAN businesswoman and 70s-sitcom blonde Jennifer Arcuri has kept Boris Johnson’s secrets – until now. Find out what the PM is hiding:
A MAN’S attempt to revive an iPhone dropped in a sink by placing it in rice has sadly failed because rice is not magic.
IF Jeremy Corbyn wins the election, which he won’t but we have to pretend he might so everyone votes Tory, the UK will be fully communist by the weekend.
ALMOST two-thirds of all bullsh*t is presented in PowerPoint format, it has emerged.
HELLO. I’m a former trade envoy for the UK and keen golfer, though you may know me as Prince Andrew. But I’m also an expert at getting out of trouble. Try these tips:
DO you insist on believing your pet has complex thoughts and feelings, like a person? Try these ways of deluding yourself.
TROUBLED restaurant chain Pizza Express and dreary town Woking have confirmed Prince Andrew's admission of visiting them is all they f*cking need.
A WOMAN who settled down for a 20-minute power nap woke up three hours later, she has confessed.
BUCKINGHAM Palace insiders have warned that the Prince Andrew crisis may be handled as if by a 93-year-old who no longer gives a bugger.
A MOTHER-OF-TWO who had a rare moment of peace and quiet has been staggered by how inane her thoughts are.
A CAT has been observed staring at a certain part of the wall again for reasons known only to itself.
PERSONALITIES are complex, or at least other people’s are. Have you defined yours via fantasy stories for children?
THE parents of a 26-year-old woman are excited to finally meet their daughter's casual sex partner.
A MAN reading about a celebrity on Wikipedia has skipped over 'Early life' and 'Career' and gone directly to ‘Controversies’.
A MIDDLE class family has decided to treat itself by going on a day trip to an estate agent’s window.
A WOMAN has inserted her finger in her boyfriend's ear in a bid to be kinky.