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    the dailymash

    Monday, 18th January 2021
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    Travel rule exemption announced for middle-class families driving to National Trusts

    MIDDLE class families visiting National Trust parks and woodland for their daily exercise are to be exempt from lockdown rules because it is deemed 'essential travel'.

    Who are you trolling online?

    DELIBERATELY angering strangers on the internet is the UK’s top new lockdown hobby. So who are you trolling this weekend?

    PTA mum starts bossing herself around

    WITH no one else to organise or pressure into taking part in tedious fundraising events, a PTA mum has started bossing herself around.

    Hangover

    Five great hangover cures by people who don’t get that pissed

    DO you like reading about implausible hangover cures for lockdown drinking? Here various lightweights describe their cures that won’t touch a proper hangover.

    The house is shrinking, Britons report

    BRITONS under lockdown have confirmed that their homes appear to be getting a tiny bit smaller every day.

    Lonely Planet

    Shelf of Lonely Planet books laughing at you

    A MAN is wondering whether to throw his Lonely Planet guides away rather than allow them to mock him from the bookshelf.

  • Donald Trump’s guide to kicking your social media addiction

    FINDING it hard not to share your inane thoughts with the internet? Learn how to quit Facebook and Twitter for good with this guide from former social media addict Donald Trump.

    Woman with pink hair disappointed to see other woman with pink hair

    A FREE-THINKING woman making a bold statement with hair dye was gutted to see another woman with the same pink tint.

    What to do if you’ve been shafted by Brexit, by a Brexiter

    FISHERMEN, hauliers and other businesses are struggling to cope with Brexit. Here Leave voter Roy Hobbs offers his common sense advice to affected industries.

    The dog walker’s guide to pissing off other pedestrians

    ARE you worried you’re not annoying enough people while walking your canine chum? Our handy guide will put that right.

    I’m a British fish, and I’m seriously f**ked off

    JACOB Rees-Mogg told Parliament yesterday that fish are better and happier for being British. Well, I’m a British fish, and I’m properly f**ked off. 

    Hardest part of Veganuary ‘is not being a total pain in the arse about it’

    THE hardest part of going vegan during January is not being a complete and utter pain in the arse about it, it has emerged.

    Estate agents: The unsung frontline heroes of the pandemic

    THERE’S been much talk about the heroism of NHS workers during the pandemic. But why is there no clapping for those other brave frontline workers, estate agents?

    Kid who tips crisp crumbs into his mouth clearly going to go far in life

    THE future is looking bright for a child who has the skill and confidence to tip crisp crumbs into his mouth, it has been confirmed.

    ‘You’ve spent too long on the toilet’: Six texts that prove your relationship has gone stale

    THE romance in any relationship can't last forever. Here are six texts you might receive - or send - that prove it beyond all reasonable doubt.

    Trump’s TV tells him to shut the f**k up

    THE television that President Trump has been shouting at for the last week has unexpectedly told him to shut the f**k up. 

    How to be an effective leader of the opposition, by Marcus Rashford

    HI Keir. You’re an experienced politician and I’m a 23-year-old footballer, yet I’m much better than you at holding the government to account. Here are my tips on how it’s done.

    The Tories’ foolproof guide to governing by headlines

    DO you think Britain should be governed purely on the basis of what gets positive headlines? Here junior minister Denys Finch Hatton explains the government’s winning strategy.

    How to pretend to be over 75 and get vaccinated

    ONLY a morally bankrupt, heartless swine would try to jump the queue and get vaccinated early. Here’s how to do it.

    Woman who says there are ‘two sides to every story’ always on wrong side

    A WOMAN who likes to highlight the blinkered nature of people’s opinions always supports the worst point of view, it has emerged.

    NEXT >
    • Features

      • Five weekend activities that say 'this relationship is dead'
      • Boris Johnson's guide to 'levelling up' your life
      • The social media ars*hole's guide to being right
      • Four IKEA products in urgent need of a Brexit makeover
      • Six fun things to do with your Brexit 50p
      • 'It sounds completely insane, but I genuinely like my kids'
      • This year’s top five bullsh*t food trends
      • How to go easy on people who wear hats
    • Arts & Entertainment

      • Shit band that will never play Europe up in arms about Brexit visa rules
      • 'Bridgerton is my wife's porn', says man who has no f**king idea
      • BBC put on Detention Afternoon for misbehaving little bastards
      • New Resentful Compromise TV channel launched for couples
      • Woman wants husband to f**k off so she can watch Love Actually
      • How is Doctor Who going to be bollocks this year?
      • Mrs Brown's Boys and five other shit things which will survive the End of Days
      • How to destroy your self-esteem by comparing yourself to celebrities
    • Business

      • The Brexiter's guide to buying British
      • UK in race against time to spend high street vouchers before shops go bust
      • How to bollocks up your Christmas shopping
      • Mum launches business inspired by wanting to get away from her children
      • Woman who vowed not to shop with Amazon this Christmas cracks after three minutes
    • Environment

      • You thought 2020 was bad? Highlights of the year to come
      • Ethical crackers 'a load of wank'
      • Ways to make the most of the 43 minutes of daylight you're getting today
      • UK to reintroduce wolves, wild boar and The Cheeky Girls
      • Everyone on country walk pissed off with everyone else on country walk
    • Most Popular

    • Freshers working hard on ridiculous personas

      TEENAGERS about to start university are developing absurd new personalities in an attempt to seem interesting.

    • Man who can't stop talking boll*cks clearly ideal for Brexit negotiations

      BORIS Johnson’s incessant flow of bullsh*t is perfect for Brexit negotiations, it has been claimed.

    • 'Predator' to win all film awards for 30th consecutive year

      PREDATOR is set to continue its unbroken run of winning every film prize since 1988.

    • Berlin to send back thousands of British hipsters

      BERLIN will return thousands of hipsters when Britain fully departs the EU, it has emerged.

    • No, really, what's the plan, though? May asked

      THERESA May has been told that yesterday's speech was great fun but she now needs to announce the real Brexit plan.

    • Unstable friend now somehow a counsellor

      A WOMAN with a chaotic personal life and a history of believing in total nonsense is now being paid to give people advice, shocked friends have revealed.

    • Agony Aunt: Dear Boris, Under no circumstances should you call someone a 'fannybadger'

      Dear Holly, Can you help me come up with an insult that is more accessible to the ignorant underclasses? Yours, Boris

    • Ask Holly: We're going to put on a massive concert to end Nigel Farage - Do you think we can pull it off?

      If Brexit happens the British people will no longer have access to Nutella or Toblerone or Ferrero Rocher, which would be nothing short of a CATASTROPHE.

    • Dear Holly: Do you think I've got that Lyme disease or something?

      “After about nine months there is an intense searing pain in my crotch and, weirdly, I hear a baby crying.”

    • Dear Holly: "I've basically been fannying about"

      I’m in the shit. I need an excuse, and quick, can you help? Yours, Sir John Chilcot

    • Ask Holly: How can I ensure my retorts are always witty in future?

      Dear Holly,
      The other day I got involved in an exchange of  words with a taxi driver and only later did I think of something funny  to say, but by then it was too late.

    • Health

      • Estate agents: The unsung frontline heroes of the pandemic
      • How to pretend to be over 75 and get vaccinated
      • The new Covid strains: a stoner reviews how high they get you
      • Running or cycling: how are you going to annoy people this year?
    • Society

      • Get bikes off the road, says motorist who also opposes cycle lanes
      • Pigeons working-class, RSPB admits
      • Plumber sick of everyone coming to him with bloody plumbing problems
      • I am ready to accept your apologies, says Brexiter
    • Politics

      • The Tories' foolproof guide to governing by headlines
      • Trump's TV tells him to shut the f**k up
      • How to be an effective leader of the opposition, by Marcus Rashford
      • Six normal activities that look absolutely ridiculous when Boris Johnson does them
    • Celebrity

      • Piers Morgan's guide to fleeing a sinking ship
      • Do you have a chance with Kim Kardashian? Take our quiz
      • Rich twats still abroad
      • Spooning in the bath with Dominic Cummings, and other bad dreams of 2020
    • Sport

      • Pink football boots and four other reasons 'the game's gone'
      • Audi driver speeding on M6 cites Lewis Hamilton as his inspiration
      • You’re all really bad at this, says Nadal
      • Runner replaces photo of husband and children with Strava route
    • Science & Technology

      • How to take your mind off current events without ever putting down your phone
      • However many batteries you bought, it is not enough
      • People who chase up a text after five minutes told to get a f**king life
      • Woman says 'thank you' to automated checkout
    • Most Popular

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