HEADED to Glastonbury with a bad back and a heavy heart? Worried you’ll be raving about how great Stormzy is only to be politely told you’re watching Sean Paul?
YOUR mistakes have cost your employer thousands, you’re on your final written warning and everyone hates you. But are you genuinely bad at your job, or is it all a plot by radical Remainers?
CRETINS are remembering the summer of 2012, when David Cameron was prime minister and the UK was two years into austerity, as some kind of Golden Age.
BORIS Johnson wants to bring in an immigration points system for the UK. But how will it work?
AN entire floor of staff was unable to work for close to an hour because of the presence of a colleague’s birthday cake, they have admitted.
OLDER brothers and sisters are great because they break all the rules and catch all the sh*t and you get away scot-free, younger siblings have confirmed.
A LONDONER would love to leave London if everywhere he visited outside of London was not equally sh*t, he has admitted.
CONSERVATIVE leadership candidate Boris Johnson has revealed himself to be the mysterious Busmaker of myth and legend.
A FIVE-year-old boy was 30 minutes late for school because his mum was messing about on Facebook and lost track of time.
DID you used to get blitzed on drugs at festivals, but now take your kids to the ones with craft tents and puppet shows?
THE heatwave set to hit the UK this weekend will see the country’s bins reeking even worse than bins in Ibiza, weathermen have announced.
A DUCK that is only eating sourdough bread has turned into a right bellend, it has been confirmed.
A COUPLE are obliged to invite people they do not like to their wedding simply because they have previously watched them get married.
A TOTAL ars*hole couple demand that everyone remove their shoes before entering their home.
BORIS Johnson has vowed to slash taxes for Britain’s hard-pressed unicorn breeders.
MEDIA commentators are claiming my family life, in which I have a decades-long track record of badly screwing everything up and walking away unconcerned, is somehow relevant to my political ambitions.
PRINCE Harry has defended a 360-degree spinning sex swing installed in his royal residence by saying it actually dates back to the 1930s.
A MAN refuses to read any novels written by women for fear of gaining such a keen insight into the opposite gender that he becomes one.
WALKING in the same direction as someone after you have already said goodbye is the most stressful experience you can possibly have, experts have confirmed.
BORIS Johnson has promised a crackdown on grasses, rats and f*cking busybodies who stick their noses where they do not belong.