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    the dailymash

    Wednesday, 27th January 2021
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    • Mash Books

    Ten months in the life of a lockdown sceptic

    SINCE last March, Denys Finch Hatton has been warning that lockdowns never, ever work. This is his last ten months.

    Make £££s fast by becoming a Tory party donor

    LOOKING for new opportunities? Want to make cash fast, no questions asked? Simply become a Conservative party donor and fill your boots. Julian Cook explains how.

    Showering together a pain in the arse, couples admit

    COUPLES across Britain have agreed that showering together is neither satisfyingly sexy or cleansing.

    We f**ked up everything we could, Johnson tells Britain

    THE prime minister has told Britain that it f**ked up every key decision and strategy to battle Covid it was in its power to f**k up.

    Woman thinks astrology is bollocks but believes she’s a Hufflepuff

    A WOMAN who considers horoscopes a load of horseshit believes her entire personality is down to her wizarding house from Hogwarts.

    Become your WhatsApp group’s resident Covid denier in six easy steps

    BORED of coronavirus and endless lockdowns? Why not convince yourself and anyone unlucky enough to be in your WhatsApp group it’s a hoax?

  • Six reasons why movie sex scenes are bollocks

    KEIRA Knightley has said she will no longer appear in sex scenes directed by men. But how does Hollywood get sex so wrong, and how could it be fixed?

    Have you booked a foreign holiday this summer and what the f**k were you thinking?

    GOVERNMENT quarantine rules have made foreign holidays impossible this summer. But have you already booked one and if so, how thick are you?

    Six ways to outsource your job to your children

    YOU’RE working from home and the kids are learning from home, so why not get your kids to do your job for you?

    Key workers to be called low-skilled workers again by Easter

    WORKERS in essential services will be downgraded from heroes to low-skilled by Easter if vaccinations continue at their current rate, it has been confirmed.

    Let’s write off this generation of kids and focus on the next lot, says Williamson

    THE education secretary has confirmed that we are failing a generation of children, so we may as well forget them and put our efforts into the next set.

    A Brexiter’s simple guide to EU charges

    PARCELS sent to or from the EU now carry extra charges, a detail left out of the Brexit deal. Leave voter Norman Steele explains these vindictive costs.

    ‘Can I get back to you on that?’ and other ways to respond when someone says ‘I love you’

    SOMEONE dropped the L-bomb out of the blue? Stuck for a response? Check out these half-dozen ways to let them down easy (for you).

    Government just can’t fathom why Scotland would want independence

    THE Government admits it is struggling with the Scottish independence movement because it cannot think of a single reason why they might want it.

    Boyfriend does 12-item supermarket shop and gets them all wrong

    A MAN has returned from the supermarket with all 12 items that his girlfriend requested, each of them wrong.

    Five types of story that give Daily Mail readers the raging horn

    OUTRAGED? Livid? That’s the only way you can get blood flowing to your genitalia any more? Daily Mail reader Bill McKay divulges the genres of story that give him life.

    Man comes to disturbing realisation that he enjoys running

    A MAN is afraid of what he might become after going out on a run and enjoying it.

    ‘Caribbean’ and other things Americans can’t stop mispronouncing

    AMERICANS have made more television than anyone else, and we’ve got nothing else to do but watch it. But why do they say these words f**k all like they’re meant to?

    ‘Bubble’ far too jolly a term, nation confirms

    BRITONS have decided that ‘bubble’ is too cosy a term for a grim huddle of bored people stuck indoors with only each other for company.

    Five shows you don’t need to watch the middle of

    PUSHED for time? Bored of all the padding in a typical hour-long show? Here are five you can safely fast-forward through the middle 40 minutes of.

    NEXT >
    • Features

      • Five weekend activities that say 'this relationship is dead'
      • Boris Johnson's guide to 'levelling up' your life
      • The social media ars*hole's guide to being right
      • Four IKEA products in urgent need of a Brexit makeover
      • Six fun things to do with your Brexit 50p
      • 'It sounds completely insane, but I genuinely like my kids'
      • This year’s top five bullsh*t food trends
      • How to go easy on people who wear hats
    • Arts & Entertainment

      • Shit band that will never play Europe up in arms about Brexit visa rules
      • 'Bridgerton is my wife's porn', says man who has no f**king idea
      • BBC put on Detention Afternoon for misbehaving little bastards
      • New Resentful Compromise TV channel launched for couples
      • Woman wants husband to f**k off so she can watch Love Actually
      • How is Doctor Who going to be bollocks this year?
      • Mrs Brown's Boys and five other shit things which will survive the End of Days
      • How to destroy your self-esteem by comparing yourself to celebrities
    • Business

      • What to do if you've been shafted by Brexit, by a Brexiter
      • The Brexiter's guide to buying British
      • UK in race against time to spend high street vouchers before shops go bust
      • How to bollocks up your Christmas shopping
      • Mum launches business inspired by wanting to get away from her children
    • Environment

      • Insurer disgusted by suggestion it might have to 'pay out' over floods
      • What to do if you're a British crab who can't get to the EU
      • Cocky motorists to drive into unexpectedly deep floods
      • Man recognises individual blades of grass in local park
      • You thought 2020 was bad? Highlights of the year to come
    • Most Popular

    • Freshers working hard on ridiculous personas

      TEENAGERS about to start university are developing absurd new personalities in an attempt to seem interesting.

    • Man who can't stop talking boll*cks clearly ideal for Brexit negotiations

      BORIS Johnson’s incessant flow of bullsh*t is perfect for Brexit negotiations, it has been claimed.

    • 'Predator' to win all film awards for 30th consecutive year

      PREDATOR is set to continue its unbroken run of winning every film prize since 1988.

    • Berlin to send back thousands of British hipsters

      BERLIN will return thousands of hipsters when Britain fully departs the EU, it has emerged.

    • No, really, what's the plan, though? May asked

      THERESA May has been told that yesterday's speech was great fun but she now needs to announce the real Brexit plan.

    • Unstable friend now somehow a counsellor

      A WOMAN with a chaotic personal life and a history of believing in total nonsense is now being paid to give people advice, shocked friends have revealed.

    • Agony Aunt: Dear Boris, Under no circumstances should you call someone a 'fannybadger'

      Dear Holly, Can you help me come up with an insult that is more accessible to the ignorant underclasses? Yours, Boris

    • Ask Holly: We're going to put on a massive concert to end Nigel Farage - Do you think we can pull it off?

      If Brexit happens the British people will no longer have access to Nutella or Toblerone or Ferrero Rocher, which would be nothing short of a CATASTROPHE.

    • Dear Holly: Do you think I've got that Lyme disease or something?

      “After about nine months there is an intense searing pain in my crotch and, weirdly, I hear a baby crying.”

    • Dear Holly: "I've basically been fannying about"

      I’m in the shit. I need an excuse, and quick, can you help? Yours, Sir John Chilcot

    • Ask Holly: How can I ensure my retorts are always witty in future?

      Dear Holly,
      The other day I got involved in an exchange of  words with a taxi driver and only later did I think of something funny  to say, but by then it was too late.

    • Health

      • Government to reward catching Covid with fabulous cash prize
      • How to be a badass while self-isolating, by Matt Hancock
      • Jabs Army, and the other ways the pandemic has become a World War Two nostalgia wank
      • How to stay warm when you can’t afford to put the heating on: Rishi Sunak explains
    • Society

      • Home-schooling mum reporting herself to Ofsted
      • How to make everything into a drama, by a three year-old
      • Are you thick or are the schools having a f**king laugh? Take our quiz
      • PTA mum starts bossing herself around
    • Politics

      • The Brexiter's guide to contradicting yourself
      • Boris Johnson's first grovelling call to the White House: A transcript
      • The Tories' foolproof guide to governing by headlines
      • Trump's TV tells him to shut the f**k up
    • Celebrity

      • 'Gwyneth fanny candle explosion' is a sentence that makes sense in 2021
      • Piers Morgan's guide to fleeing a sinking ship
      • Do you have a chance with Kim Kardashian? Take our quiz
      • Rich twats still abroad
    • Sport

      • Pink football boots and four other reasons 'the game's gone'
      • Audi driver speeding on M6 cites Lewis Hamilton as his inspiration
      • You’re all really bad at this, says Nadal
      • Runner replaces photo of husband and children with Strava route
    • Science & Technology

      • Who are you trolling online?
      • How to take your mind off current events without ever putting down your phone
      • However many batteries you bought, it is not enough
      • People who chase up a text after five minutes told to get a f**king life
    • Most Popular

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