Ten months in the life of a lockdown sceptic
SINCE last March, Denys Finch Hatton has been warning that lockdowns never, ever work. This is his last ten months.
Make £££s fast by becoming a Tory party donor
LOOKING for new opportunities? Want to make cash fast, no questions asked? Simply become a Conservative party donor and fill your boots. Julian Cook explains how.
Showering together a pain in the arse, couples admit
COUPLES across Britain have agreed that showering together is neither satisfyingly sexy or cleansing.
We f**ked up everything we could, Johnson tells Britain
THE prime minister has told Britain that it f**ked up every key decision and strategy to battle Covid it was in its power to f**k up.
Woman thinks astrology is bollocks but believes she’s a Hufflepuff
A WOMAN who considers horoscopes a load of horseshit believes her entire personality is down to her wizarding house from Hogwarts.
Become your WhatsApp group’s resident Covid denier in six easy steps
BORED of coronavirus and endless lockdowns? Why not convince yourself and anyone unlucky enough to be in your WhatsApp group it’s a hoax?
Six reasons why movie sex scenes are bollocks
KEIRA Knightley has said she will no longer appear in sex scenes directed by men. But how does Hollywood get sex so wrong, and how could it be fixed?
Have you booked a foreign holiday this summer and what the f**k were you thinking?
GOVERNMENT quarantine rules have made foreign holidays impossible this summer. But have you already booked one and if so, how thick are you?
Six ways to outsource your job to your children
YOU’RE working from home and the kids are learning from home, so why not get your kids to do your job for you?
Key workers to be called low-skilled workers again by Easter
WORKERS in essential services will be downgraded from heroes to low-skilled by Easter if vaccinations continue at their current rate, it has been confirmed.
Let’s write off this generation of kids and focus on the next lot, says Williamson
THE education secretary has confirmed that we are failing a generation of children, so we may as well forget them and put our efforts into the next set.
A Brexiter’s simple guide to EU charges
PARCELS sent to or from the EU now carry extra charges, a detail left out of the Brexit deal. Leave voter Norman Steele explains these vindictive costs.
‘Can I get back to you on that?’ and other ways to respond when someone says ‘I love you’
SOMEONE dropped the L-bomb out of the blue? Stuck for a response? Check out these half-dozen ways to let them down easy (for you).
Government just can’t fathom why Scotland would want independence
THE Government admits it is struggling with the Scottish independence movement because it cannot think of a single reason why they might want it.
Boyfriend does 12-item supermarket shop and gets them all wrong
A MAN has returned from the supermarket with all 12 items that his girlfriend requested, each of them wrong.
Five types of story that give Daily Mail readers the raging horn
OUTRAGED? Livid? That’s the only way you can get blood flowing to your genitalia any more? Daily Mail reader Bill McKay divulges the genres of story that give him life.
Man comes to disturbing realisation that he enjoys running
A MAN is afraid of what he might become after going out on a run and enjoying it.
‘Caribbean’ and other things Americans can’t stop mispronouncing
AMERICANS have made more television than anyone else, and we’ve got nothing else to do but watch it. But why do they say these words f**k all like they’re meant to?
‘Bubble’ far too jolly a term, nation confirms
BRITONS have decided that ‘bubble’ is too cosy a term for a grim huddle of bored people stuck indoors with only each other for company.
Five shows you don’t need to watch the middle of
PUSHED for time? Bored of all the padding in a typical hour-long show? Here are five you can safely fast-forward through the middle 40 minutes of.
