ONE week to go until the end of summer term and go f**k yourself, schools! We’re off on a term-time holiday!
WAKING with a hangover so toxic that when I vomit and my dog comes scampering into my room to eat it he drops dead on the spot, I reflect on the week’s events.
TWO deals with foreign countries were made to stop boats of migrants coming to our shores. But which was best? We compare and contrast the two.
GREGG Wallace has been protesting that he has autism, so it must be a rare type that makes you sexually harass people. If you’re concerned you might be affected, here is a checklist of symptoms.
WAGWAN? Did fam see Active J on da TV? Man woz hinspirational. Parentdem is batshit for da tennis, innit. So dem fixed it for yours truly to be a ball muggle at da Wimbledon ting!
BEFORE Gen Z came along, life was devoid of pleasure, style and emotional nuance. Thank goodness they invented all these things completely by themselves.
GERI Halliwell has looked at her household finances after her husband’s sacking, faced facts and defeatedly put in calls to the other Spice Girls.
A COUPLE who wrote their own highly personal wedding vows were as embarrassed saying them as their guests were listening to them, it has emerged.
Politics
RACHEL Reeves has asked Britain exactly how much money each of them wants to stop it.
KEIR Starmer has shared his technique for dealing with emotional women or co-workers by ignoring them entirely and pretending it did not happen.
A LABOUR rebel has admitted that he voted against the welfare bill because he always felt the party had more of a 'caring for the disabled' vibe.
POLITICS is like any relationship – it’s about compromise. And a Machiavellian brain like mine can compromise any enemy into submission by abandoning his beliefs at every turn.
Society
THE objectively awful town of Skegness runs a hop-on, hop-off open-top bus service so people can tour its grim sights at their leisure.
BEEN slapped with a speeding fine? Convinced this is one of those laws that doesn't really count? Wriggle out of paying it with these clever excuses that will convince nobody.
THE train is into the station. You’re closest to the door button. But you sense the other passengers’ doubt. Can he handle this? Will he crack up?
THE arrival of summer has primed a father to condescendingly share his exhaustive lawn care knowledge with his ignorant family.
VANDALISM is now terrorism, according to the government’s rulings on Palestine Action, and you’re guilty. These are the atrocities you committed aged 12.
THE nanny state’s latest idea? That its citizens are so helpless they need assistance even to die. Well, I can die perfectly well on my own, thank you very much.
Lifestyle
A WOMAN is wringing every possible like out of her wedding photos by still posting them to Instagram three years after the fact.
JUST one hour into the Glastonbury festival, attendee Tom Booker has admitted it is ‘not for him’ with approximately 96 hours left to go.
THE first arrivals at Glastonbury are shitting with barely a tremor of revulsion, they have gleefully confirmed.
THE Lake District has unveiled a new advertising campaign reminding the public that travelling there is always to be regretted and never, ever pays off.
YOUR friend who you have previously mocked for their lack of interest in current affairs may have had the right idea the entire time, you have admitted.
IT’S the Summer Solstice tomorrow, and celebrations will include every type of mystical bollocks from the Mother Goddess to fae folk. Here’s how to take a more practical, grounded approach.
Sport
EURO 2025 kicks off today, but what if you're a woman who was briefly into football but now isn't really? Here's how to survive weeks of dutiful support.
GLASTONBURY was a cesspit of anti-Semitism gleefully encouraged by the BBC, except everywhere that wasn’t the West Holts stage between 2.30pm and 3.30pm, Saturday. Is Wimbledon next?
AN URGENT report has confirmed that a football is bouncing across the park directly towards you and you are expected to return it.
Science & Technology
ARE you an idiot with unrealistic expectations who loves finding things to moan about? You’re probably responsible for one of these online reviews…
EVERY play performed by a school revolves around the single piece of stage technology that school possesses, it has emerged.
TOKEN gifts for fathers were so easy in times gone by, when a Simpsons tie did the job perfunctorily enough for no messy emotions to be bared on either side. These were adequate.
ELON Musk has turned to his AI chatbot for advice on how to reverse his fortunes, it has emerged.
SEVEN-and-a-half million Britons will be trained in AI by 2030. Your workplace AI course leads you to question the value of this, because here’s what you learned.
Arts & Entertainment
WHAT is she? Definitely not a groupie, no, she’s some form of flattering abstract noun and you’re prepared to elaborate if she takes her top off. These comparisons led to sex...
OASIS’S first reunion gig has been praised by fans as the greatest concert they have ever attended, spoiled only by a minor fratricide late on.
FAMED oral decapitator of chiroptera Ozzy Osbourne performs for the final time in Birmingham today. What are you hoping he will do?
ATTENDING an Oasis reunion gig? So stupefied by the magnitude of the occasion that you don’t know what to shout? Try these.
KNEECAP have announced they are taking legal action against punk band Bob Vylan for stealing anti-Israel publicity that was rightfully theirs.
MY first time at Glastonbury has opened my eyes. I believe it offers a blueprint for a society that is more equal, free of prejudice, and your parents aren’t hassling you all the time.
Business
POUNDLAND is closing 68 stores, leaving many Britons bereft without their beloved cheap shit retailer. They share their moving stories of how Poundland touched their lives.
A COUPLE who believe that anything is achievable when you’re in deeply in love are proving it by starting a business.
Work
THE novelty of a toddler interrupting a professional Zoom call is waning fast, all participants confirmed.
THE key office skillset is not implementing core competencies or working the printer. It’s persuading twats to piss off back to their twat desks with twat bobbleheads on.
A TEENAGER bragging that he is basically being paid to check out some cool bands is about to enter his own personal hell.
A TEACHER recognised by his pupils as ‘cool’ is actually a 28-year-old man desperate to be popular with children, it has emerged.
A MAN has brightened after realising that, despite his having masturbated already today, a second go is a distinct possibility.
Alcohol
A DANGEROUS new novelty drink, BuzzBallz, is sweeping the UK, the media has warned us. So is there any way to prevent this sherry-strength alcopop ruining your life? Try these measures.
MINDFUL that there are only 55 hours to go before the first gig of the Oasis reunion, a man has started on pre-drinks this afternoon.
A BAN on alcohol adverts is guaranteed to make the British public immediately stop drinking permanently, it is believed.
BRITISH drinkers have agreed both Samuel Smith and Wetherspoons pubs are freakshows with an alcohol license but the former has the edge.
