A MAN has explained that during the week he lives a locked-down tier 3 lifestyle but at the weekends he treats himself to living like a tier 1.
A WHOLE generation of teenagers are being deprived of the chance to spend three months pissing about in Southeast Asia and then base their entire personalities on the experience.
THE Guardian’s latest Blind Date feature has been ruined by the inclusion of someone who is not a middle class tosser.
SLEEPING a bit too well at the moment? Here are five mad and pointless questions that are sure to keep you up all night.
A FAMILY of four who watched two women doing a dance together on Strictly Come Dancing have confirmed that they all turned into homosexuals immediately afterwards.
SHOPPERS at M&S are affronted by a new range of lingerie that implies they are the kind of people who have sex.
Being in a relationship is a delicate balance. There are good times, bad times and times when you’ll plunge into a blazing row in 30 seconds flat. Like these.
RESEARCH shows that most adults now spend 100 per cent of their day titting about on WhatsApp. Here’s how to make sure you’re a real dick about it.
ARE you in your mid-40s but still a funky 20-something in your head? Here are some things that will plunge you into an existential panic when you realise how long ago they happened.
HELLO, it’s Priti Patel. When I'm not threatening asylum seekers and eroding human rights, I like to have guests over just as much as the next person. Here’s how to do it.
PAUL McCartney has a new album out, so expect to see a lot more of him. Here the former Beatle explains how to get more annoying over the years.
AN office worker has confirmed that being told this year’s Christmas party is cancelled is the best sentence to ever enter his ears.
THE government is considering imposing a 60-day masturbation ban across the UK to encourage everyone to spend money instead.
A MAN ruined a film by wondering where he had seen the female lead before for the entirety of its running time.
THE Pope has endorsed same-sex civil partnerships, but bigots will still think of weird reasons to oppose gay marriage. Here are some of them.
THINKING of taking your first step on the property ladder but need help with the deposit? Tight-fisted parent Mary Fisher explains why it’s actually better if you keep renting.
A GUARDIAN reader has offended a Northern town after visiting a branch of Greggs and asking for a steak bake to be cooked medium rare.
THE Conservatives are confident that an entire day spent voting to deprive the poor of food and money will not rebound on them in any way.
AS millions of Britons prepare for Tier 3 lockdown, are you still confused about what you’re allowed to do? Here are all your questions answered.
SCHOOLS have been told they must not show any left-wing bias when telling the story of Robin Hood.