How to convince yourself you like the home you can afford

NOBODY can afford to buy a house and renting is hell. Convince yourself you're delighted with what your budget stretches to with these lies.

'Let's agree to disagree', says woman who will bring it up again in five minutes

A WOMAN who has asked everyone to agree to disagree will also be the one to raise the contentious issue again in a few minutes.

Six bullshit non-events reality shows believe are incredibly dramatic

Just heard a high-pitched chord during reality TV, even though absolutely nothing happened? One of these non-events occurred.

Couple on first date undeterred by glum married couples all around them

A young couple is enjoying their restaurant date despite being surrounded by the miserable future that possibly awaits them.

Titanic, and four other movies it's unreasonable to expect to remain unspoiled
From The Sixth Sense to The Usual Suspects, some films have twist endings you don't want spoiled. And then there are these deathly predictable movies.
The six stages of a hangover that's still going strong at 6pm

SOME hangovers don't fade away by the end of Lorraine, or lunchtime, or even early evening. Here's how they progress:

Flytipping, and four other Olympic sports Britain would be world-beaters at

THE only reason Britain isn't leading the medals table is because we're not doing the sports we excel at. Here are the events we'd take gold in:

The teenager's guide to nominally going out with someone at secondary school

SECONDARY school is a heady mix of hormones, hairspray and double maths. Here's a guide to ‘dating’ in your pre-GCSE days.

Are you annoyingly quirky enough to be the next Doctor Who? Take our quiz

WITH Jodie Whittaker handing in her notice, there’s a Time Lord-shaped vacancy on Doctor Who. But are you infuriatingly eccentric enough to fly the Tardis? Find out with our quiz.

Outrage as new Highway Code makes it an offence to run down cyclists

MOTORISTS are outraged by the release of a new Highway Code which, for the first time, makes it an offence to run down cyclists. 

Why I've got more bottle than Simone Biles, by a gammon

ALL this talk about ‘mental health’ you get today. ‘Ooh, Mr Site Manager, can I take the day off, I’ve got to look after my mental health instead of doing my job.’ What a load of bollocks.

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Politics

Tory fans already excitedly wondering what next weekend's massive f**k-up will be

FANS of the Conservative party are already speculating as to how they will top the last two weekends’ big old f**k-ups next weekend.

'Why are you such a twat?' and five other questions Dominic Cummings should have been asked

LAURA Kuenssberg’s interview with the prime minister’s former SPAD was packed with explosive revelations we already knew. Here’s what he should have been asked:

'I am f**king obsessed with migrants and I love it'

RETIRED grease trap cleaner Roy Hobbs is obsessed with migrants and regularly goes spotting on the Kent coast. He explains his rewarding hobby.

I wanted to visit the Queen to test my eyesight, says Johnson

THE prime minister only requested a face-to-face meeting with the Queen during the pandemic to ensure his vision was okay, he has confirmed.

Why 'one rule for you and another for them' is fine: Boris Johnson explains

PISSED off about having to self-isolate whilst I’ve done everything I can to try and weasel out of it? Here’s why double standards are perfectly acceptable.

Proposing marriage, and other activities ruined by woke Marxist Black Lives Matter knee-taking

YOU can’t tie a shoelace these days without accidentally backing the destruction of capitalism. Retired headmistress Margaret Gerving details the other knee-based activities it’s ruined.

Five hideous alcoholic concoctions you drank to get wankered in the 90s
FROM Special Brew to snakebite, you drank some truly awful shit just to get drunk as fast as possible in the 90s. Here are the dated drinks that will make you heave now.

Society

'A damp squid' and other phrases people mangle horribly

THE English language is complex so it's easy to make mistakes. But these mangled phrases are never acceptable.

Five types of bullshit you can get away with if you're gorgeous

GORGEOUS people are better than you, and deserve to live in a world without consequences. Here’s some of the bullshit behaviour they can get away with that us regular uggos can’t:

'Buy everything': What shoppers hear when they're told not to panic buy

WONDERING why you’re seeing shoppers clear supermarket shelves despite explicitly being told they don’t have to? That’s because their panicked brains heard these thoughts instead.

Man had only just finished last year's f**king pasta

A MAN who had only just worked his way through last year’s stockpiled pasta is now wearily heading out to buy another carful. 

Six things you don't want your kids to bring home on the last day of school

THE end of the school year is here, and with it your child staggering home under the weight of all this crap.

Six types of prick who are going to invade your personal space today

THE requirement to socially distance ends today: here are some of the arseholes who are immediately going to be up in your grill.

The incredibly hot people you never got off with and still yearn for today
FROM your fit maths teacher to your cute former boss, there are certain people it was never going to happen with. Join us on a nostalgic journey of sexual regret.

Lifestyle

The top five most incredibly ugly investment trainers

TRAINERS are the new fine art, and like most fine art they’re f**king ugly. Here’s how to invest in shit-looking footwear that will appreciate in value.

Is this man's hat his new look or is he going bald?

DESPITE rarely wearing a hat previously, 32-year-old Jordan Gardner has taken to wearing one on all occasions. But is it a style choice or is he hiding baldness?

Port Talbot and other top UK holiday destinations now everywhere's booked

THANKS to Covid, even Britain’s least desirable tourist towns are totally booked up. Where could you go instead?

Kids spend three minutes in paddling pool which took three hours to fill

CHILDREN play for an average of 3.3 minutes in paddling pools that their parents spent all morning filling up, it has emerged. 

The overweight guy's guide to going topless in public

IF you’re an overweight, overconfident man and you’re outdoors, it’s time to get that shirt off and flaunt that impressive belly. Here are some tips on how best to do it:

Five areas of the body you’ve just discovered can sweat

THERE'S a heatwave and your disgusting body is pumping out perspiration, including in these surprisingly sweaty areas.

The smug 'I've just gone vegetarian' starter pack: What's inside?
GOING vegetarian is good for the planet and does wonders for your sense of self-righteousness. Here’s what you’ll receive when you make the switch.

Sports

Man watching incomprehensible load of lycra-clad bullshit pretty sure it's the Olympics

A MAN watching lycra-clad people perform some physical bollocks according to impenetrable rules is pretty confident this must be the Olympics.

Man could be an Olympian if he was disciplined, good at sport, and 30 years younger

A MIDDLE-AGED man is convinced he could be an Olympic athlete if he was essentially a completely different person, it has emerged.

The five racists who've f**king ruined it

ENGLAND didn’t win, but the country really felt it had achieved something these past weeks only to be forcibly reminded it hadn’t. These bastards have ruined it.

14 times today when England fans will stare into the middle distance and mutter 'f**king hell'

GUTTED England fans will largely spend today listlessly doing menial tasks in between muttering ‘f**king hell’.

How we'll definitely win it, by a 19-year-old who never suffered the heartbreak of Euro 96

THE final? No chance we’ll muff it, says 19-year-old Ryan Whittaker, born six years after England ripped fans’ hearts out in 1996. Here he explains:

Chuck your pint at the ceiling: the twat's guide to watching footy in the pub

TONIGHT'S the night. Been lucky enough to snag a table down your local boozer? Here’s how to ruin it for everyone else.

Golden Balls and other demented TV game shows you'd forgotten about
GAME shows don’t always reach the lofty heights of Bullseye or Play Your Cards Right. Some were even shitter than that. There’s a reason you’ve forgotten them, but we’re here to remind you anyway.

Science & Technology

The real reasons Jeff Bezos is going into space

AMAZON boss Jeff Bezos is blasting into space, and there’s surely no reason to be suspicious about what the f**k he’ll do while he’s there. But why is he going?

'Why’s the sky blue?' and other arsehole questions from kids

CHILDREN’S curiosity is a wonderful thing, until you’re required to provide the answers. These basic questions will baffle you.

'Is it cheating if we just have sex?' Stupid questions you shouldn't have to Google

LIFE is full of mysteries, but some of it is bleeding obvious. Here are some of the f**king stupid questions that end up being googled...

Five moronic ways to use your phone

SMARTPHONES are incredibly intelligent pieces of technology which put the world at your fingertips. Here are some ways to use them like an absolute twat.

Blueyonder old as shit, Gmail dull as f**k – what your email address says about you

EVER wondered what conclusions people draw about you based on your email address? Here’s what they think when you turn up in their inbox.

The five most annoying promotional emails you'll get today

INBOX constantly stuffed to bursting with irritating promotional emails? You'll be familiar with these...

Fears for future of music as X-Factor axed
THE greatest era of British music ever known is feared to have ended forever with the cancellation of The X-Factor. 

Arts & Entertainment

The five dickheads you only meet in nightclubs

TEMPTED to go clubbing now they've reopened? Remind yourself of their horrific denizens and think again.

Dancing Queen and five other songs your mum doesn't actually know the words to

DOES your mum's passion for music eclipse her knowledge of lyrics? Here are some songs she loves to sing - in her own inimitable way…

Advanced ancient civilisations and the telly they would have loved

HISTORIANS love telling us 5,000-year-old civilisations were more advanced than we’ll ever be. But did they have telly? No. This is what they would have binge-watched.

Vaccine passports to make all gigs middle-aged men only by September, as they should be

THE only people allowed to see live music by September will be middle-aged men who respectfully enjoy the music without any fuss, as it should be.

The seven hyped-up summer blockbusters you still regret seeing

THE summer blockbuster trend kicked off with Jaws in 1975, and ever since we’ve been deluged with shit. You were tricked into seeing all these.

Five amazing stories from history that we didn't fact check

LOVE history? Don't care about it being 100 per cent correct, or even half correct? Here are five stories we didn’t fact check at all.

Are you Wayne Rooney?
ARE you unsure whether you might be the former England skipper Wayne Rooney? Here are some telltale signs you might be him.

Business

Olive Oil Only, and five other unbelievably niche shops they only have in posh towns

VISITING a chi-chi little town? Here are six absurdly niche shops you’ll find there and only there.

Five rip-off toys to sell to kids

DO you want to make money without having anything of actual merit to sell? Try flogging these toys to gullible kids.

Man receives text advising that delivery driver has stopped for a piss

A MAN is getting constant, eager updates from a delivery company advising him on the precise whereabouts of his parcel.

How to celebrate Pride as a rapacious British company

ARE you a British business keen to let LGBT+ customers and staff know that they’re special for one month only? Here are the best ways to be an ally.

Tim Martin proposes Britain launch new 'Union of Europe' to attract workers

WETHERSPOONS boss Tim Martin has urged the government to set up some sort of ‘Union of Europe’ to solve his shortage of pub staff. 

'You're fat now, buy accordingly' say clothes shops

CLOTHING shops have reminded all their customers that they are now fat bastards so should buy their clothes accordingly.

Man in 12th floor flat feels fully safe from catastrophic rise in sea levels
A MAN who was prudent enough to buy a 12th floor flat is sure that he has no need to worry about any future four foot rise in sea levels due to climate change.