SOME drinks take parties to a new level but are tragic when knocked back alone. Avoid quaffing these during solo sessions.
THE death of a family hamster is tragic for kids but boring for everyone else. Dad Roy Hobbs explains the seven tedious stages of their grief.
A MAN has performed mind-blowing sex on his girlfriend by doing three minutes of missionary intercourse, he has confirmed.
WONDERING if you repulsed your date with your face and personality? If you hear any of these phrases, the answer is 'yes'.
HORROR films are designed to scare, but nothing is more terrifying than these dumb, clichéd lines they insist on using.
NEED to learn about the Premier League so you can fit in with the real men? Fake your knowledge ahead of the new season with this guide.
A GOOD few spritzers at a garden party are harmless, right? You may revise that opinion after having a violent drunken row or blacking out and pissing your shorts. Here are some summer drinks to be wary of.
IS your dull mate settled down with the first woman who’ll shag him regularly - and claims it’s fantastic and won’t shut up about it? Here's Tom Logan's tedious guide to having found ‘the one’.
THE economy is once again hurtling towards recession, so how will having f**k all cash impact on your spending habits? Find out with our guide.
LIZ Truss is posing for a photoshoot in England kit with a football under one arm as we f**king speak, Britain has realised.
LIZ Truss has been accused of distorting accounts of her Northern childhood. Here the surely-this-is-a-joke leadership candidate recounts her impoverished upbringing.
KEIR Starmer has sacked his deputy Angela Rayner’s boyfriend and suggested that perhaps he could step in on an acting basis.
THE Conservatives cannot fathom how they could possibly end the baffling, motiveless rail strike. These are their panicked ideas thus far.
BORIS Johnson believes he can be prime minister again. Someone needs to explain to him these six reasons why he’ll be far, far happier when he isn’t.
POSSIBLE prime ministers Liz Truss and Rishi Sunak go head to head tonight on ITV. These are the questions they should be asked.
ZOOLOGISTS have discovered that bears are in fact men in furry costumes, and not animals as had been previously thought.
A TRAGIC man is planning to do his weekly big shop on a Saturday night because that is when the supermarket will be its quietest.
YES, I have made billions of pounds in profits. No, I cannot chuck a few quid towards your massive energy bill. Let me explain why.
THE Tory leadership contest will soon be decided by the white, retired grassroots. So who are these key voters? Here party members Roy and Barbara Hobbs describe a typical day.
THE best things in life are free, it’s claimed, but hotel Bibles are both free and crap. Gratis stuff, ranked...
A BRISTOL stoner possesses the uncanny skill of being able to turn any object he encounters into a bong.
ARE you a weird killjoy not bothered about football, even though you’re a woman? Endure the next 72 hours of rolling Lionesses coverage with these tips.
THE biggest fashion faux pas is overthinking what you wear. Here are five sartorial rules only dickheads care about.
GOING on holiday? Need to book somewhere your kids will enjoy but you will find a waking nightmare? Try these destinations.
THINK how easy life would be if you didn’t feel the need to be even slightly tidy. Nikki Hollis, who ‘doesn’t see mess’, explains how to achieve this state of nirvana.
RAISED on the Famous Five’s long summers of sunshine, mouthwatering picnics and foiling a smuggling ring? How did it compare to your miserable reality?
THE Lionesses’ victory has inspired women, but only up to a point. Follow our checklist to ascertain your level of inspiration-linked activity.
THE Lionesses have left the Euro 22 trophy in one of a possible sixteen nightclub toilets, they have confirmed.
ENGLAND’S official years of hurt counter has been reset from 56 to zero, operators have confirmed.
TODAY'S Euro 2022 final between England and Germany is a historic occasion which the country is obligated to watch. So avoid saying these things.
THEY harvest your data, sell it on and use your every click to advertise you stuff, all perfectly targeted. Until you f**k with them.
THINKING of sending naked pictures of yourself to someone you barely know online? Ask yourself these questions before doing this very obviously stupid thing.
CATFISHING – being defrauded online by someone pretending to be something they are absolutely not – isn’t for everyone. Are you thick enough to fall for it?
A MAN was sent into a spiral of shame and self-loathing after being confronted by his own recommended videos on YouTube.
ARE you a Silicon Valley zealot reshaping the world in your inhuman image? Include all these in your 3.0 version build:
THE reliability of your home’s internet connection can be improved through good deeds and pure thoughts, senior UK church members said today.
WANT to make the first dance at your wedding something people will remember forever? Play one of these inappropriate songs.
BRUCE Springsteen has been criticised for tickets being on sale for $4,000. But at least people want to see him. Here are some artists you wouldn’t watch even if the transaction worked the other way round.
THE country-sized set of Neighbours is slowly being dismantled and packed away now the soap is over, it has emerged.
THE Eurovision Song Contest for 2023 will be hosted in the living room of a homophobic gammon, it has been confirmed.
ARGUING about which decade produced the best music? The answer’s obvious - the one when you were young. The rest were shit. Here’s how to dismiss them all out of hand.
WHEN you’ve reached a certain level of Hollywood fame, you can do whatever you want. Especially if it’s churn out shit music and have it professionally released.
THE poundshop may soon be a thing of the past, as few items still cost £1. Britons are predictably upset, but the truth is they were always bollocks. Here’s why.
HORSES are parading, M&S biscuits are rebranded, and Nicholas Witchell is clearing his throat. Jubilee hysteria is upon us. Here’s how to make it through.
SMUG twats who piled all their cash into imaginary numbers money are finding out they are not cleverer than the entire world after all.
IN our capitalist label-obsessed society, some brands attract more tosspots, twats and knobheads than others. Avoid anyone devoted to these.
A DRUNK man, noticeably high on cocaine and bellowing about cryptocurrencies in a central London pub, is hoping people are taking his excellent financial advice.
THE budget supposedly benefits the rich at the expense of the ‘poor’. If you can call them that, they’ve got phones, shoes and running water, haven’t they? Anyway, here I explain why more money motivates wealthy people but not the povs.
HOMEWORKERS with children begin six weeks of an endlessly harried logistical f**king nightmare today, they have confirmed.
A CHRONIC labour shortage hasn’t stopped the audacity of prospective employers. Here’s what they now demand.
IS everyone else on the video call younger and cooler than you? Did they not get your ‘computer says no’ gag? Hide your true age with these tips.
YOU care so much about your employees, you even call them at home at weekends. A management expert explains how to make your business your family.
A WOMAN is bitterly regretting her decision to wear a blazer to work on one of the muggiest days of the year.
ALCOHOL makes you better-looking and more interesting - that’s just a scientific fact. Yet somehow women don’t always fall into bed with you after nine pints. Here’s what to avoid.
WORKING in Britain? Then a ‘swift half’ will be suggested at around noon. What does this really mean, and what will happen next?
LOOKING to get drinks at your busy local, and also a wanker? Follow these tips and you’ll have an irate member of staff pulling your pint in no time.
POPPED out for a pint but realised something feels a bit off? Find out if you are in a pub for dickheads with this guide.
DO you frequently wonder why noisy, unpleasant bars need to be quite so horrific? Here Martin Bishop, owner of shite cocktail bar Lorenzo’s of Stevenage, explains his craft.