Six incredible special effects you wouldn't even look up from your phone for today

FILM makers think you’re breathlessly going ‘Wow!’ and ‘Awesome!’ at their amazing CGI. You’re not. Here are some we all just stare at blankly now:

Seven ways they'll cancel Christmas again, by a right-wing bellend

CHRISTMAS - remember that? But now it keeps getting cancelled by the woke brigade. Makes you choke on your turkey, except you’re not allowed that unless it’s halal.

Five cliches that never actually happen at office Christmas parties

OFFICE Christmas parties are mundane procedures devoid of fun, famous for debauched antics that never, ever happen in real life.

Five movies with unexpected sex scenes to ruin family film night

YOU’VE settled in for a classic with the kids only to be confronted with an excruciating, lengthy f**kfest you’d forgotten about. These movies hide their sexy secrets.

Man opens door on advent calendar to reveal howling black void of consumerism
A MAN has opened the first door on his advent calendar to reveal a yawning black consumerist void demanding to be fed with money.
Six disgusting habits that you just can't stop

YOU know you shouldn’t do it, but you can’t help it. These are the gross habits you carry through life that are repulsive even to you.

Twat refusing to wear a mask on bus thinks he's Rosa Parks or something

A MAN refusing to wear a mask on a bus believes he is part of a long line of important political activists rather than an annoying prick.

Uncharitable Christmas Appeal: donate now and stop a lifeboat saving people

JUST a few pounds of your money can help stop the launch of a lifeboat that might rescue migrants. Here’s what you’ll get for your donation.

Six rebel songs that are bollocks now you're old and sensible

REMEMBER these rebellious songs that had you righteously aflame in your youth? How misguided they seem to older, wiser, middle-aged you.

Get Back extended edition has alternate ending where the Beatles stay together

THE extended edition of Peter Jackson’s Beatles documentary includes an alternative ending where the Fab Four do not break up.

Nine wildly contradictory claims about the Omicron variant

THE Omicron variant is the hot new strain of Covid sweeping the world, but what are the facts and what are their exact opposites?

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Politics

Now is not the time for Priti Patel

THE public has united in the face of the Channel tragedy by agreeing that now is not the time for Priti Patel to be saying anything at all. 

How to wriggle out of criticism by calling it misogyny, by Nadine Dorries

I CAN get away with loads of stupid shit by calling any man who legitimately criticises me a misogynist. Here’s how I go about it:

'The prime minister is not on crystal meth, not confused about which country he lives in and was not in the rose garden with his cock out at 3am'

AFTER issuing a categorical denial that Boris Johnson is unwell and losing his grip, a Downing Street spokesman has issued a further, more specific denial.

It's only the racism keeping me voting Tory, admits 77-year-old

AN elderly woman who will lose her house under new plans for social care said she only  keeps voting Conservative because of their long-standing commitment to racism.

Poor people to stay poor: the new social care cap explained

CONFUSED by the changes to the social care cap? Find out how it will f**k you over with our guide.

Daddy Pig turns up to work pissed

POPULAR cartoon character Daddy Pig has arrived at work to give an important speech rambling and obviously drunk.

Not worth going anywhere once you factor in parking, study finds
A STUDY has revealed that the ballache involved in parking your car when going anywhere makes it not worth leaving the house for anything at all.

Society

Pythagoras' Theorem, and other pointless things from school still taking up space in your head

DESPITE having left school many, many years ago, there are still some absolutely useless pieces of learning clogging up your brain...

Nick Fletcher's crime wave terror level female Doctor Who scale

AS Conservative MP for Don Valley, I’m an expert in crime, terrorism, and declining masculinity caused by Doctor Who. Here’s how they correspond:

Six amateur psychological diagnoses idiots always come out with

MORONS love to try and sound like professional psychiatrists by bandying about psychological terms they don’t understand. Here are some of the more annoying ones.

Everybody knackered so shut up about it

EVERYONE in Britain have been told to stop banging on about how knackered they are because so is everyone else.

The Tory guide to knocking off your parents to keep their house

NEW social care laws mean your elderly parents will have to sell their home to pay for their care, unless they live in the South-East. Care minister Gillian Keegan explains how to hang onto your inheritance.

Why a pile of stinking manure is the perfect Christmas gift – AD FEATURE

LOOKING for a Christmas gift for that person who has it all? Pile of stinking manure salesman Martin Bishop explains why it’s this year’s hottest gift.

The horror of Crazy Frog explained to the under-25s, by a survivor
YOU’LL never know what it was like in the mid-00s. The torture we were put through. The unimaginable horror. But, as It threatens to return, I’ll try to explain.

Lifestyle

Six guilty secrets your family probably don't need to know about

WE'VE all done things in our lives we're not particularly proud of. Here are some it’s best even your nearest and dearest never know about.

Where should babies be allowed? Two unreasonable idiots debate

MP Stella Creasy has sparked a debate about taking your baby to work. Here self-righteous mum Donna Sheridan and child-hater Roy Hobbs exchange unhelpful views.

Five legitimate reasons not to get out of bed this morning

YOUR alarm has just gone off. Here’s why you’re absolutely justified in ignoring it.

Clothes you wear around the house that you wouldn't be seen dead in outside it

FASHION doesn’t exist indoors. Instead comfort reigns, which means you answer the door to the postman wearing these outfits.

Woman believes she can get ready in 15 minutes despite lifetime of evidence to contrary

A WOMAN is convinced she can be ready to leave the house in 15 minutes despite never once doing so in her entire adult life.

The driver's essential guide to abusive hand gestures

SIGNALLING to other motorists is an integral aspect of driving, and some intentions can only be expressed through hand gestures. Here’s a guide to the important ones.

Six f**king obvious questions anti-maskers really need to ask
IF wearing a mask is fascist government oppression, what is it meant to achieve? Here are the questions anti-maskers avoid asking.

Sport

Racist can't face getting into cricket

A KEEN and committed racist has admitted that despite Yorkshire’s exemplary record of bigotry he is still not getting into cricket.

Taliban to take over Middlesbrough FC

THE rulers of Afghanistan are to buy out Middlesbrough FC for £320 million, the Premier League has confirmed.

British sporting success making us look like dicks, Remainers admit

REMAINERS have admitted that unprecendented British sporting success the first summer after Brexit is not doing their cause any favours.

They both play sport: Reasons why Gavin Williamson confused Marcus Rashford with Maro Itoje

THERE are many reasons the education secretary could have confused Rashford and Itoje, and none of them were because they are both black. It was probably one of these:

Five reasons why Ronaldo's a crap transfer, by supporters of other teams

RONALDO is an absolutely crap transfer for Manchester United who’ve proved what a total desperate mess they are, as fans of other teams explain.

How to bore non-football fans shitless now the season is back

WANT to annoy the hell out of people who don't give two shits that the football season has started again? Try these tactics.

Too cold not to have sex, couple begrudgingly admit
A COUPLE who have avoided sex for months have reluctantly agreed that the wintery weather leaves them no choice.

Science & Technology

​​Answering by saying his number: Weird things your dad does on the phone

YOUR dad uses phones in very strange ways. Here are some of the weirder ones to try and not get stressed about.

Five innocent texts that sound aggro as f**k to the recipient

NEED to relay basic information without sounding bitchy? Good luck - even these innocent texts sound passive aggressive.

Ways the Metaverse will be worse than real life

WILL Facebook’s exciting new online world be a digital oasis? Or a bit of a disappointment that’s increasingly a chore? Let’s look at the evidence.

How to decode your mum's emojis

MUM is messaging and the emojis are flowing but her choices are utterly baffling. Here’s what she’s really trying to say:

Five sounds to add to electric cars to make them less f**king creepy

THE silent smugness of an approaching electric car can scare you shitless. What sounds could be added as a warning?

'Hand-wash only' cardigan should f**king get over itself

A CARDIGAN that claims on its care label to be 'hand-wash only' has been told to get a f**king grip.

Average woman feels guilty about 327 things every 24 hours
THE average woman feels guilty approximately 327 times every 24 hours or 13.62 time every hour, new research has found.

Arts & Entertainment

Why I'm now forced to pretend Benny f**king Hill's hilarious, by a gammon

AS A gammon, I can’t be seen laughing at right-on lefties. Instead I enjoy dolly birds with big knockers and Indian men with bad English. Stuff that’s naturally funny.

Party Rock Anthem, and other shit songs that soundtracked the 2010s

REMEMBER the 2010s as a time of musical experimentation and lyrical brilliance? You shouldn’t. These ear-defiling tracks will forever define the decade.

Young people buying cassettes are twats

YOUNG people buying limited edition cassette tapes by their favourite artists are twats, everyone has agreed.

Best film one you didn't know was on, have seen before and start halfway through when pissed

THE best film ever is officially one you have seen before, did not know was on and turn on halfway through at a good bit when drunk.

Stars In Their Eyes, and other TV shows that might have been a bad dream

IT can be disorientating trying to recall a dream, but it's worse when you realise that the dream was actually a real TV show. Here are some of the oddest.

Are you hard enough to listen to a whole Adele album?

UNSURE if Adele’s new album 30 is for you? See if you’ve got the personal mettle to listen to all of these tracks without breaking down.

Advice on booster rollout boils down to 'just f**king get it'
THE advice of scientists in regard to receiving a Covid vaccination booster can be summed up as ‘just f**king get it’.

Business

Most important man in the world puts out-of-office response on for afternoon off

THE most important man in recorded history has set an out-of-office auto-response on his email for 1pm until 6pm today.

Shopworker devastated to hear complaining customer taking business elsewhere

A SHOP assistant is distraught to learn a customer will be shopping elsewhere following a minor incident.

Six items Amazon is suggesting you buy because you bought a smoke alarm three years ago

AMAZON’S algorithm, like an elephant, never forgets. And to this day it’s making helpful suggestions based on a 2018 smoke alarm purchase.

Tesco Metro changes slogan to 'because you can't be f***ed doing a big shop'

TESCO Metro has unveiled a new slogan that reflects the half-arsed shopping habits of its customers.

Pandora Papers reveal you're the only dickhead paying tax

THE Pandora Papers have revealed that you are the only person in the entire world paying their fair share of taxes and everyone is laughing at you.

Energy companies facing huge unexpected bills offered prepayment meters

ENERGY firms facing bankruptcy due to soaring bills have been patronisingly advised that a prepayment meter would control their spending.

I’m A Celebrity cancellation officially proves Wales less hospitable than jungle
THE cancellation of I’m A Celebrity has proven once and for all that Wales is more hostile to human life than the deep Australian jungle.

Work

Work colleagues having extremely f**king obvious affair

A PAIR of colleagues who believe they are engaged in a secret affair could not be more wrong, workmates have confirmed.

'Who are you?' and other truthful messages for office leaving cards

OFFICE leaving cards are a cruel sea of lies and mistruths. Here’s what would be written if they weren’t sparing your feelings.

Enthusiastic on Mondays, and other signs you're the worst colleague

DO your workmates absolutely despise you? This is why.

How is the new office trainee getting on your tits?

THERE'S a new kid on the block at work and he’s driving you round the f**king pipe. Here’s what the obsequious little twat is up to.

Lock up these thieving public sector workers, by a brainwashed tabloid reader

WHAT a surprise. Public sector workers are getting another bumper payout in the budget. I say it’s time to call them what they are - lazy thieving scum, and punish them accordingly.

Shopworker devastated to hear complaining customer taking business elsewhere

A SHOP assistant is distraught to learn that a customer loudly complaining about a minor thing will not be shopping in her store again.

What to do when you're caught doing nothing at work
WORK is dull, so you’re fated to spend time during the working day treading life’s water. Here’s what to do when caught.

Alcohol

What your booze collection says about you

WHICH boozy classics have you got rammed at the back of your cupboard? And what do they say about the kind of person you are?

Pint of water sitting next to bed all night did nothing to stop hangover

AN UNTOUCHED glass of tap water has done nothing to take the edge off a man's raging hangover.

Girls' night out in tearful crisis before end of first drink

A GIRLS' night out has descended into arguments, sulks and tears in the toilet before the first drink has been finished.

First thing Monday morning actually best time to drink, man discovers

A MAN discovered that, contrary to convention, Monday morning is actually a far better time to drink than Friday night.

20-year-old thinks he's hungover

A MAN who is too young to know what a bad hangover actually feels like thinks he is experiencing one.

No adverts and free beer a 'f**king great deal', experts confirm

DAILY Mash readers who hate adverts and love getting shitfaced while someone else buys the beers have been offered an incredible deal.

Why do all our neighbours f**king hate us? An Englishman investigates
FRANCE, Ireland, Scotland – if you’re next door to England you hate the English. But what’s causing this bizarre phenomenon? Wayne Hayes investigates.