'A bit hungover are we?' and other things not to ask your girlfriend

ARE you unsure how to keep on the right side of your girlfriend? Here is a guide to the questions you should avoid if you ever want to see her again.

Five f**king crazy ways schools will celebrate One Britain One Nation day

WONDERING how school kids are meant to express their British pride when they can’t even tie their shoelaces? Here are five weird ways they’ll be made to celebrate this strange day.

Six useless ways you tried to hide the smell of weed as a teenager

DID you think a spray of Lynx Africa in a bedroom that pungently stank of weed helped? It didn’t. No doubt you tried these other tricks too:

Thinking pubs are too loud, and other real milestones of ageing

WHILE society might encourage you to mark the passing of time with birthdays, here are the real signs that you’re knocking on in years.

Woman desperately hoping romantic weekend away won't end in awkward marriage proposal
A WOMAN going on a romantic weekend with her boyfriend is praying he is not planning to ask her to marry him.
The white person's guide to being a dick about your white privilege

A REPORT has suggested that the idea of ‘white privilege’ is holding white children back. This is probably bollocks, but why not get angry about it anyway? Here’s how.

Six f**king good reasons to never take part in a pub quiz

WITH pubs reopening, are you tempted to pop down for quiz night? Here’s why you should stay the f**k away.

Football only allowed home if it has a skilled job earning £47,110 a year, says Patel

FOOTBALL will only be able to return to its country of origin if guaranteed a highly-skilled job worth £47,110 a year, the home secretary has confirmed.

12 occasions Britons can only survive with a cup of tea

THERE are times in any British person’s life which would not be survivable without the cool, soothing balm of tea. How many have you been through?

Five insanely questionable videos from MTV's golden age

FOND memories of the golden age of MTV? Wrong. It was full of wild and terrible shite like this.

Harry Kane 'ornamental'

ENGLAND captain and striker Harry Kane is an ornamental flourish like the silver lady on the bonnet of a Rolls-Royce, Gareth Southgate has explained.

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Politics

Could you be the next DUP leader?

DUP leader Edwin Poots has quit after just 21 days, three times longer than it took God to create Earth. Can you drag the DUP into the 18th century?

Lib Dem victory would have been earth-shaking shock changing politics forever if it had been UKIP

TODAY’S Lib Dem by-election victory would be a seismic political event transforming the political landscape permanently if it had been UKIP, experts have agreed.

Scottish independence to be decided by tonight's football result

THE question of Scottish independence will be decided not by referendum but by the result of tonight’s England-Scotland result, it has emerged.

Shocked UK had no idea Matt Hancock was totally f**king hopeless

BRITAIN is struggling to come to terms with claims that the health secretary who has led us through this pandemic is totally f**king hopeless.

A batshit mental Daily Mail article from the point of view of the First Baby, Wilf Johnson

GOOD morning, I’m national engine of hatred the Daily Mail, and today I’ll be wearing the mask of Boris Johnson’s one-year-old son Wilf. Isn’t that disturbingly adorable?

Britain getting the full affair-with-Boris experience

THE UK is finding out first-hand what it’s like to be seduced, lied to, and repeatedly f**ked over by Boris Johnson.

1066 and six other historical events, as reported by GB News
THE history we have is clearly biased reporting by the ivory-tower liberal elite. How would it be reported fairly and without prejudice by GB News?

Society

Working long hours for shit wages doesn't make you working class

BRITONS have been informed that mere labouring for long hours in precarious jobs for minimum wage does not entitle them to call themselves ‘working class’.

The seven mums you meet on parenting Facebook

GOT children? Desperate to not be suffering alone? Then you’ve visited a parenting group on Facebook and met these people.

The six twats that love to sit in your train carriage

EVER think that irritating twats deliberately sit in your train carriage? Yeah, they do. Here’s the line-up of rail companions for your next 100 journeys.

Britons pretending to enjoy sun through gritted teeth 

PEOPLE across the UK have miserably begun their annual ritual of pretending to enjoy temperatures above 18 degrees Celsius.

Ten new commandments for modern life

EVERYONE’S got Thou Shalt Not Kill by now, and coveting thy neighbour’s ox isn’t what it was. Follow these ten new commandments for modern life.

Five rich person problems to moan about at the school gates

WORRIED people don't realise you are substantially more successful than they are? Make it clear with these topics.

The Kays Catalogue, and five other pathetic excuses for porn in the 1980s
IF THE over-40s were honest about how technology has transformed the world, they’d say ‘you can get porn now.’ Back in their younger years, these had to suffice.

Lifestyle

Middle-class family resentfully install pizza oven they're now required to have

A MIDDLE-CLASS family are fuming about the top-of-the-range pizza oven, complete with brick surround, that they are currently having built in their garden.

Woman shaves six milliseconds off time between putting on heels and regretting it

A WOMAN has scored a new personal best in her time between putting on heels for the day and deeply regretting it.

A lady never tells her age, says 25-year-old

A WOMAN who is only 25 bizarrely thinks it is her prerogative as a female to keep her age a closely guarded secret.

The five most terrifying things that happen in the first year of having a baby

HAVING a child is a life-changing experience. A mostly terrifying one. Here are five of the worst bits from year one, although there could be 50.

Five essential summer care tips for your goth

A HOT summer can be a testing time for goths. Follow our advice to ensure yours stays safe, but gloomy.

Are you being gentrified? Take our quiz

WORRIED that you might be a victim of the gentrification usually reserved for areas of cities? Find out if you’ll soon be priced out of your own life:

Suddenly get really good at football: Scotland's routes to qualification
SCOTLAND’S hopes of qualification hang by a thread. Which of these miracles could see them get through to the next round?

Sports

Footballers of today who could be the angry, biased pundits of tomorrow

BIASED? Dour? Permanently irate? When Keane and Carragher hang up their mics, we’ll need those qualities. But which current players will be the pundits of the future?

Wales arrogantly expecting to win whole thing as usual

THE cocksure, entitled nation of Wales is already arrogantly assuming it will at the very least reach the final of Euro 2020.

England fans leave work early to enjoy Scotland loss

ACROSS England fans are leaving work early and settling down by the telly with a few cans to enjoy Scotland’s loss this afternoon.

Six deliberately irritating questions to ask during the match

NOT understanding the offside rule is for amateurs. Try these questions to get your football-loving companion truly enraged.

Keep politics out of football, says booing England fan making racist political statement

AN England fan tired of politics getting in the way of football has expressed his disagreement by making a racist political statement that gets in the way of football.

Britain’s football songs from worst to better-but-still-shit

DO you like music? You won’t like football songs then. But with the Euros on the way here’s a few ranked from whale excrement to tolerable.

England to strike fear into opponents by scoring second goal
ENGLAND have vowed to strike terror into opponents at Euro 2020 by scoring a second goal.

Science & Technology

The real reasons Jeff Bezos is going into space

AMAZON boss Jeff Bezos is blasting into space, and there’s surely no reason to be suspicious about what the f**k he’ll do while he’s there. But why is he going?

'Why’s the sky blue?' and other arsehole questions from kids

CHILDREN’S curiosity is a wonderful thing, until you’re required to provide the answers. These basic questions will baffle you.

'Is it cheating if we just have sex?' Stupid questions you shouldn't have to Google

LIFE is full of mysteries, but some of it is bleeding obvious. Here are some of the f**king stupid questions that end up being googled...

Five moronic ways to use your phone

SMARTPHONES are incredibly intelligent pieces of technology which put the world at your fingertips. Here are some ways to use them like an absolute twat.

Blueyonder old as shit, Gmail dull as f**k – what your email address says about you

EVER wondered what conclusions people draw about you based on your email address? Here’s what they think when you turn up in their inbox.

The five most annoying promotional emails you'll get today

INBOX constantly stuffed to bursting with irritating promotional emails? You'll be familiar with these...

Five things your parents follow with 'not that there's anything wrong with that'
YOUR parents aren’t as backwards or as phobic as you believe. Here are five things they’re totally cool with through gritted teeth.

Arts & Entertainment

Six songs it will physically pain you to discover came out more than 25 years ago

IN denial about your age? Make sure you’ve got painkillers to hand, because this list of quarter-century old songs will get your back playing up.

Five films ruined by finding out there's a twist

WANT to spoil any potential enjoyment of a movie before you watch it? Find out there’s a twist. Here’s five films with surprises you wouldn’t have seen coming, but now definitely will.

Batman doesn't do oral and Superman can't get it up – the surprising sex lives of the super heroes

BATMAN’S publishers have confirmed that he refuses to perform oral sex on his partners. And according to comics nerd Tom Booker, that’s just the beginning.

Five Bible plot holes that make the whole thing totally unbelievable

ADAM and Eve only had sons, so where did their grandkids come from? Here are some other glaring Biblical plot holes.

How to be a sneering dick about stuff you haven't seen

IS YOUR superiority to others based on not consuming the same media as them? Nathan Muir flaunts his iconoclastic ignorance of perfectly enjoyable things he hasn’t seen.

Gammon fuming at black Anne Boleyn perfectly happy with white Jesus

A BRITISH man fuming at Channel 5 casting a black actress as Anne Boleyn is entirely at ease with a Caucasian Jesus, he confirmed.

How to give your child a f**king ridiculous name: a celebrity guide
CELEBRITY? Had a baby? Keen to make it an accessory to your glittering life, rather than allowing it an identity of its own? Follow our naming guide.

Business

Five rip-off toys to sell to kids

DO you want to make money without having anything of actual merit to sell? Try flogging these toys to gullible kids.

Man receives text advising that delivery driver has stopped for a piss

A MAN is getting constant, eager updates from a delivery company advising him on the precise whereabouts of his parcel.

How to celebrate Pride as a rapacious British company

ARE you a British business keen to let LGBT+ customers and staff know that they’re special for one month only? Here are the best ways to be an ally.

Tim Martin proposes Britain launch new 'Union of Europe' to attract workers

WETHERSPOONS boss Tim Martin has urged the government to set up some sort of ‘Union of Europe’ to solve his shortage of pub staff. 

'You're fat now, buy accordingly' say clothes shops

CLOTHING shops have reminded all their customers that they are now fat bastards so should buy their clothes accordingly.

'We value your privacy' and six other blatant corporate lies

THE corporate world is a palace of lies so glaringly obvious that they go almost unnoticed. Here are a few of the most frequent:

Emily Bronte’s Love Island
THIS year’s Love Island, as befits one of the most romantic stories ever told, is to have a tie-in novelisation by none other than Emily Brontë.