EVERY play performed by a school revolves around the single piece of stage technology that school possesses, it has emerged.
POLITICS is like any relationship – it’s about compromise. And a Machiavellian brain like mine can compromise any enemy into submission by abandoning his beliefs at every turn.
THE rest of the UK has requested that today’s 33ºC heat in London be viewable on a livestream for their entertainment and pleasure.
GLASTONBURY was a cesspit of anti-Semitism gleefully encouraged by the BBC, except everywhere that wasn’t the West Holts stage between 2.30pm and 3.30pm, Saturday. Is Wimbledon next?
HOT weather makes Britons behave unusually, and so it was when 17-year-old Catherine Howard stripped out of her lady-in-waiting outfit to wash a gun carriage.
TODAY is set to be one of the hottest June days on record. Consequently nobody can realistically task you with any of these...
THE British Broadcasting Corporation, Glastonbury Festival and Keir Starmer’s government must all be permanently dissolved because of what a punk band said.
A MAN who has bothered to learn the basics about astrology could get laid every night of the week, he has confessed.
Politics
PRESIDENT f**king Trump is to call an asshole a motherf**king asshole through his remaining years in the bastard White House, he has confirmed.
PRESIDENT Trump has announced that after a single intervention by the greatest leader the world has ever known, the Middle East is now fixed.
FINALLY Starmer has bowed to public pressure and set up a national inquiry into grooming gangs. And from there, believes Martin Bishop, these actions are inevitable.
THE chancellor yesterday outlined a government spending spree of either £113bn, £300bn, or £4 trillion, depending on the strength of your loathing for her. Which are you?
THE government has pledged £14.2bn of its own money to build a new nuclear power plant. What happened to just getting Aldi or whoever to build them?
Society
THE arrival of summer has primed a father to condescendingly share his exhaustive lawn care knowledge with his ignorant family.
VANDALISM is now terrorism, according to the government’s rulings on Palestine Action, and you’re guilty. These are the atrocities you committed aged 12.
THE nanny state’s latest idea? That its citizens are so helpless they need assistance even to die. Well, I can die perfectly well on my own, thank you very much.
THE British public has been invited to believe its police forces are so passionately opposed to racism in any form they willingly cover up crimes.
DADS are struggling with normal life after 24 hours of unbridled Father's Day self-indulgence.
Lifestyle
THE Lake District has unveiled a new advertising campaign reminding the public that travelling there is always to be regretted and never, ever pays off.
YOUR friend who you have previously mocked for their lack of interest in current affairs may have had the right idea the entire time, you have admitted.
IT’S the Summer Solstice tomorrow, and celebrations will include every type of mystical bollocks from the Mother Goddess to fae folk. Here’s how to take a more practical, grounded approach.
AFTER receiving clothes that smell like a nuclear warhead went off in a detergent factory, Vinted buyers are wondering what their purchases are cleaned in.
TEENAGERS leaving secondary school have been plunged into the harsh reality of ten weeks off pissing about with their mates.
A SHORT afternoon nap will either refresh and recharge you in just 20 minutes or leave you in a stumbling daze for the rest of the day, it has emerged.
Sport
AN URGENT report has confirmed that a football is bouncing across the park directly towards you and you are expected to return it.
BOOING our own player? Who’s just won the league? Of course we did. And anyone who criticises that doesn’t understand he’s made all Liverpool fans look right dicks.
A 63-YEAR-OLD man has explained to his grandchildren that once, Liverpool were just as successful and twatty about it as Manchester City are today.
COMPETITORS in the London Marathon are running into an actual, physical wall and attempting to grittily push through it.
Science & Technology
TOKEN gifts for fathers were so easy in times gone by, when a Simpsons tie did the job perfunctorily enough for no messy emotions to be bared on either side. These were adequate.
ELON Musk has turned to his AI chatbot for advice on how to reverse his fortunes, it has emerged.
SEVEN-and-a-half million Britons will be trained in AI by 2030. Your workplace AI course leads you to question the value of this, because here’s what you learned.
GROWING up pre-internet provided a wealth of opportunities to aggravate your family and community that technology has snatched away.
WE have all seen him, admired him and wondered what it takes to become him: the tit buzzing his budget drone around a public park. Follow these rules.
Arts & Entertainment
NEW film 28 Years Later follows the zombies from the original 2001 film meeting for the first time in almost three decades to discuss how they are all getting on.
YOU live in a small town of no real note and yet someone has decided you deserve your own music festival. These are the only headliners you can get.
CLUTCHING your pearls at Sabrina Carpenter’s new album cover? Grow up and look at some proper smut with these alternatives.
AN acclaimed new album by Pulp focuses on the age-appropriate subject of erectile dysfunction for nine of its 11 tracks.
LADY Gaga and Pulp are both rumoured to be performing surprise Glastonbury sets. But the anguish of the audience if these artists strode onstage instead would be a joy.
Business
POUNDLAND is closing 68 stores, leaving many Britons bereft without their beloved cheap shit retailer. They share their moving stories of how Poundland touched their lives.
A COUPLE who believe that anything is achievable when you’re in deeply in love are proving it by starting a business.
Work
THE novelty of a toddler interrupting a professional Zoom call is waning fast, all participants confirmed.
THE key office skillset is not implementing core competencies or working the printer. It’s persuading twats to piss off back to their twat desks with twat bobbleheads on.
A TEENAGER bragging that he is basically being paid to check out some cool bands is about to enter his own personal hell.
A TEACHER recognised by his pupils as ‘cool’ is actually a 28-year-old man desperate to be popular with children, it has emerged.
A MAN has brightened after realising that, despite his having masturbated already today, a second go is a distinct possibility.
Alcohol
BRITISH drinkers have agreed both Samuel Smith and Wetherspoons pubs are freakshows with an alcohol license but the former has the edge.
A MAN has arrived at his office prompt and early on Monday morning to be informed of what took place late and intoxicated on Friday evening.
JEREMY Clarkson’s new ‘100 per cent British’ pub has dared play American music, but the British love of the pub has always been based on myths.
A MAN who does not have a single coherent memory of a music festival he spent the weekend at firmly believes he had the time of his life.
KEIR Starmer is allowing pubs to stay open two hours later tonight to celebrate VE Day. Here’s how to show your respect for those who experienced the war by drinking more.
A MAN has looked at the power cut across Spain, considered his options, and decided that in similar circumstances in the UK he would get pissed.
