Petrol shortages, inflation and no deal with America: how to blame it all on Remainers

THE UK is out of fuel and faces a harsh winter and cancelled Christmas – all thanks to bloody Remainers. Here’s how to tell them.

The six horrifically pervy things men say to ruin their chance of sex

MALE? Every wondered why a seemingly sure thing suddenly evaporated? It’s because you said this.

Honk at gridlocked traffic: the twat's guide to panic-buying petrol

THE public has been told not to panic-buy petrol, so of course that’s exactly what it’s doing. Here’s how to purchase fuel like a hoarding twat.

'Character-building' and other euphemisms for stuff that's shit

BEEN through an experience that was abjectly shit, but you’re trying to spin it? Here are five useful euphemisms for when you’ve been through the wringer.

Government outlines plans for army to take over entirely
THE government is to bring in the Army to deliver petrol, fix supply chains and take over all functions of government permanently.
The five best pointless, destructive in-fights at this week's Labour conference

THE country is in crisis and people are looking to Her Majesty’s Opposition for answers just as they’re having a seaside punch-up. These are the headline bouts.

BMW X7 driver offering sex for petrol

THE driver of a BMW X7 SUV has signalled his willingness to trade sex for petrol effective ongoing, his colleagues have confirmed.

Man's chivalrous offer of coat to cold date ruined by her acceptance

A MAN'S gallant offer of his coat to a chilly date has backfired by her accepting and wearing it.

In a car park, and four other grim as shit places to have your first kiss

FIRST kisses are awkward, unsatisfying and not very romantic. So it makes sense they take place in these grotty locations.

Sudoku, and four other hobbies that are life-drainingly dull

THANKS to the miracle of television nobody needs hobbies. Yet people still piss away their free time on these dull activities:

The next six things we're taking away from poor people, by the Government

YOU scrounging paupers have had it too easy for too long. Here's what we, the government, will be taking away after £20 off Universal Credit.

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Shortages, power cuts, soaring inflation: welcome to Jeremy Corbyn's 70s heaven

REMEMBER me? I’m the guy that overwhelmingly won the moral argument in 2017 and 2019. And now you’re living in my 1970s heaven. Let me show you round.

Nadine Dorries made culture war minister

NADINE Dorries has been made the minister for culture war with a remit to have all Britain in vicious conflict about bullshit by 2024.

Tax-rise supporting Tories against benefit cuts and what the f**k

CONSERVATIVE backbenchers who backed tax rises for social care are against cutting Universal Credit by £20 and what the f**k?

The Tory voter's guide to being betrayed yet again

THE government has once again reneged on the manifesto that swept it into power, like it always does. Practised Tory voter Wayne Hayes explains how to handle it.

Margaret Thatcher rising from her grave

MARGARET Thatcher is rising from her grave in horror at Boris Johnson’s social care tax rises, senior Conservatives believe.

I pocketed the £350 million a week, Johnson admits

BORIS Johnson has admitted that all of the £350m a week he promised to the NHS when we left the EU has gone straight into his pocket.

Husband on date night thinks he could be in here
A MAN on a date night with his wife reckons that with the amount she is flirting and drinking his luck may well be in.


Five great things we had in the 1970s that we won't have in the coming 70s rerun

READY for the return of the shortages and inflation of the 1970s? Don’t worry, the Tories won’t offer us these comforts...

Loser student joins all the societies

A CREDULOUS loser of a student has signed up to all the societies at his university’s Freshers’ Fair.

The three-day week, inaccurately remembered

IN 1974, coal shortages forced Britain to move to a three-day working week. As that prospect looms again, Britons remember those times entirely inaccurately.

Five things that should no way be that bloody expensive

INFLATION is skyrocketing, which is bad news for those household items that are guttingly expensive. Which are you digging deep for?

Man who says he never knows when to tip always defaults to 'not tip'

A MAN who never knows when it is appropriate to tip always decides it would be less embarrassing not to, friends have noticed.

Mid-30s woman with no partner or kids unsure whether she's a total failure or f**king smashing it

A SINGLE woman in her mid-30s with no kids cannot tell if she is winning at life or a complete and utter loser.

Five shite items from your wardrobe a Gen Z teen would buy as 'vintage'
TEENS will wear any old shit if you say it's vintage. Here are five items of clothing you can flog to the idiot young.


Five wake-up hacks to get your day off to the worst possible start

HATE mornings? Want to extend that feeling to the rest of the day? These tried-and-tested methods will ruin the whole week.

Dolls that piss, and other inexplicably popular childhood toys

KIDS are weird, and the crap they play with is equally f**ked up. Take these five unhinged toys.

Foreign holidays cleared for total f**kers

TOTAL f**king bastards who sat and watched everyone else try to enjoy themselves on British holidays have been cleared to go abroad.

Wally, lemon, plank: 15 truly underrated insults

INSULTING people is too complicated these days, what with irritating epithets such as 'cockwomble'. Here are some old classics:

Why I never take my earbuds out, by a twat

ME? I’m the guy in earbuds. All day every day, from the train to the coffeeshop to the office, through every conversation. Because I’m a dick, that’s why.

The top six ways your dog will f**k up your life

A DOG is man’s best friend and his greatest burden. This is how your pet will ruin you.

Man who isn't a total arsehole keeps being called 'woke'
A MAN who is not an irredeemably awful arsehole is being praised as a 'woke' progressive.


British sporting success making us look like dicks, Remainers admit

REMAINERS have admitted that unprecendented British sporting success the first summer after Brexit is not doing their cause any favours.

They both play sport: Reasons why Gavin Williamson confused Marcus Rashford with Maro Itoje

THERE are many reasons the education secretary could have confused Rashford and Itoje, and none of them were because they are both black. It was probably one of these:

Five reasons why Ronaldo's a crap transfer, by supporters of other teams

RONALDO is an absolutely crap transfer for Manchester United who’ve proved what a total desperate mess they are, as fans of other teams explain.

How to bore non-football fans shitless now the season is back

WANT to annoy the hell out of people who don't give two shits that the football season has started again? Try these tactics.

Six football teams exclusively supported by twats

SOME football shirts indicate that you’re a twat from a mile off. If you’re a fan of one of these clubs know that you’re judged by everyone.

Britain’s Olympic heroes prove we're best at everything, says country unable to supply own food

THE UK has proudly proclaimed that its Olympic heroes mean it is a major world power, while ignoring empty supermarket shelves.

What the shit you went out and got framed and put on your wall says about you
YOU have a nice flat with framed stuff on the walls, like in films. But why the f**k did you go and frame that?

Science & Technology

Self-driving Audis programmed to be aggressive tailgating dickheads

AUDI'S driverless cars will be specially programmed to treat other road users just as badly as current Audi drivers.

The five bastard tradespeople who can charge what they like

AT some point we all need an expensive expert to help us. Here are five people who can shaft you, and there's nothing you can do.

You've passed your test, but can you actually drive? Take our quiz

YOU'VE officially passed your driving test and you’re allowed to be in a car on your own. But can you actually drive? Time to find out.

What to do when you've just wasted an hour of your life in social media comments

HAVE you just spaffed an hour of your life up the wall reading bigoted comments from illiterate strangers online? Here’s how to cope.

The real reasons Jeff Bezos is going into space

AMAZON boss Jeff Bezos is blasting into space, and there’s surely no reason to be suspicious about what the f**k he’ll do while he’s there. But why is he going?

'Why’s the sky blue?' and other arsehole questions from kids

CHILDREN’S curiosity is a wonderful thing, until you’re required to provide the answers. These basic questions will baffle you.

Cat living Sheba lifestyle on Whiskas budget
A CAT is trying to live an upmarket, Sheba lifestyle on Whiskas money, it has emerged.

Arts & Entertainment

Raising the ghost of Oswald Mosley: how to save GB News

GB NEWS has lost leading man Andrew Neil and is haemorrhaging viewers as even Farage is tired old repeats. Can anything save it?

Every once good thing now ruined by fans of that thing

EVERY positive addition to the cultural canon has now been irreparably destroyed by its own fans, a new study has found.

TalkSport presenter and other dickhead jobs Andrew Neil could do now

ANDREW NEIL is unemployed after jacking in GB News just three months after he started it. What dickhead job could he do next?

New Coronation Street storyline to raise awareness about being Northern

SOAP opera Coronation Street is to tackle the emotive issue of being Northern in a new storyline, it has emerged.

The six worst films to watch on a first date

MEETING a date for a movie, the coward’s choice for anyone worried they’ll have nothing to say? Choose one of these and you’ll never see them again.

'I'll be back' and other movie lines everyone does shit impressions of

DISCUSSING films? Brace yourself for shit impressions of these memorable lines.

'Put your big coat on’: how to survive the coming winter by a northerner
Rugged Northerners are unfazed by the impending winter energy crisis. No-nonsense Yorkshireman Roy Hobbs explains his survival tactics.


Energy companies facing huge unexpected bills offered prepayment meters

ENERGY firms facing bankruptcy due to soaring bills have been patronisingly advised that a prepayment meter would control their spending.

Five things trains would have to do to win you back

NOBODY'S using trains because they're expensive as f**k and always late. Here's what they'd have to do to be more appealing.

When I find out who's done this to my pubs I'll f**king kill them, says Tim Martin

WETHERSPOONS boss Tim Martin has confirmed that when he finds out who f**ked up his business by taking his beer and chefs away, they are dead.

Turn it into a paintball arena, and other ideas for abandoned high streets

IS your once-bustling high street now a parade of empty shops and broken dreams? Here are five ideas to bring life back to your city centre.

Pandemic and global recession beaten hands-down by triumphant British house prices

A WORLDWIDE pandemic paired with a global recession is no match for heroic rising British property prices, it has emerged.

Olive Oil Only, and five other unbelievably niche shops they only have in posh towns

VISITING a chi-chi little town? Here are six absurdly niche shops you’ll find there and only there.

God damn I wish we weren’t so shit at this, say Tories
SENIOR Tories are furious that the party is so shit at running the country that it could damage their prospects at the next election.


Six reasons working from a cafe sucks balls

WORKING from a cafe? Trying to convince yourself it was a good idea? These are the reasons it wasn’t.

Smoke breaks, and four other ways to piss away time during your working day

LOOKING to waste as much time as possible during your 9-5? Try these tips:

Everyone at first office-based meeting in months desperately trying not to mutter 'wankers'

A GROUP of colleagues in their first real-life meeting in 18 months are all struggling not to press mute and call each other wankers.

Twat boss rewards efficient work with more f**king work

AN absolute twat of a boss has rewarded an employee who finished their assignments in good time with yet more f**king work.

Office coaxes workers back with 'no trousers' policy

OFFICES across Britain are trying to tempt employees to stop working from home by allowing them to go completely bottomless.

'It's so much more efficient working from the office' says man in eighth conversation about it this morning

A MAN has agreed with the eighth colleague he has held a lengthy conversation about office working with that it is so much more efficient.

Best friend's success 'utterly selfish'
A MAN has described the recent incredible success of his closest friend as 'sickening' and 'completely selfish'.


Light, carefree summer drinking gives way to grim, determined winter drinking

THIS weekend marks the official end of Britain’s relaxed, airy summer drinking and the beginning of a hard winter of grim-faced serious drinking.  

Are you drinking enough red wine in the morning?

DRINKING three glasses of red wine a week is good for your health, according to new research. Functioning alcoholic Donna Sheridan gives her misinterpretation:

Bastard orders large glass of wine on your round

A PISS-TAKING bastard of a mate will always order a large glass of white wine when it is your turn to get a round in, he has confirmed.

Five disturbingly mental conversations to overhear in your local pub

POPPING the local for one? Prepared to overhear the most appallingly lunatic conversations ever?

The six stages of a hangover that's still going strong at 6pm

SOME hangovers don't fade away by the end of Lorraine, or lunchtime, or even early evening. Here's how they progress:

Five hideous alcoholic concoctions you drank to get wankered in the 90s

FROM Special Brew to snakebite, you drank some truly awful shit just to get drunk as fast as possible in the 90s. Here are the dated drinks that will make you heave now.

If you're not in a family get f**ked: Keir Starmer's new rules for Britain
IN his pamphlet The Road Ahead, the Labour leader has outlined his vision for Britain. Here are the key takeaways.