FAIRGROUNDS are only worth going to if they look so ramshackle that you are in genuine fear for your life, it has been confirmed.
THE current cost of living crisis and impending hikes in energy bills are worrying for all of us, but especially people like me who are seeing their humble dreams of owning a second home crumble to dust.
A MAN bases his opinion of every country he visits purely on how cheap it is to buy beer.
A 44-YEAR-OLD man still has the same top five celebrity shag list as when he was a young man, it has emerged
A MAN has awoken from a horrific nightmare in which he had f**ked up so badly the only person defending him was Nadine Dorries.
IT’S January 2022, and the name on every Conservative minister desperately stalling for time’s lips is Sue Gray. But what’s it like to be her?
MATHEMATICS is yet another great British instutition captured by hard-left teachers who insist on things ‘adding up’. Here’s how patriots do it.
HER Majesty the Queen has consulted an internet search engine over whether she can fire Boris Johnson, it has emerged.
BORIS Johnson is to kill the BBC for being more popular with Britain than he is. What else could he destroy to win us round?
THE Queen has responded to Downing Street’s apology by commenting ‘f**king right they’re sorry’ but ‘not as sorry as they’re going to be’.
I’M allegedly an adult woman and a serious journalist, but I think I speak for all the ladies when I say: shag me, sexy Mr Chancellor, and fill me with your little Rishis.
DID you once savage your classmates with your astounding repartee? Then you no doubt used these zingers back in the day.
DRIVING would be so much nicer if it wasn’t for all the other total twats on the roads doing these things.
TOO unsurprised to be properly pissed off by yet another f**king Tory lockdown party? Build your anger stamina with these tips.
POLICE at Downing Street completely failed to spot 100 staffers with eight-packs of Stella in blue plastic bags getting shitfaced in the garden. What else did they miss?
REMEMBER when you thought you’d die of something cool, and not from a sedentary lifestyle and poor genes? You were convinced these five things would kill you.
AN astrologer of 30 years’ standing has begun to wonder if the horoscopes she provides are actually accurate in any way.
A WOMAN who ran herself a luxurious bubble bath to relax in got out after eight minutes because she was utterly bored.
GOT a camera on your doorbell that you claim is for security reasons? Here’s what you really use it for.
A WOMAN has bought a funky, brightly coloured coat that she is too embarrassed to step outside in.
THE British suburbs may seem a sexless desert of women in gardening kneepads and men washing cars, but they are actually red-hot pits of depravity. These are the signs.
SOME moments are so embarrassing that the memory of them pops up on shuffle every few days. Here are some low points in your life you'll be made to relive.
TENNIS star Novak Djokovic is to compete in the Australian Open remotely via Zoom, it has been confirmed.
MONEY and woke rules have ruined modern sports, according to old school fan Roy Hobbs. Here's his take on why today’s athletes can never compare to these gods:
ALLOWING Novak Djokovic to stay and compete in the Open could unbalance Australia’s ecosystem of enormous twats, the country has confirmed.
WANT to do competitive physical activity, but not to break a sweat? These five activities are technically sports but medically aren’t.
A KEEN and committed racist has admitted that despite Yorkshire’s exemplary record of bigotry he is still not getting into cricket.
A MAN has discovered his wife’s vibrator, turned it on to see what it does and is now frantically trying to turn it off.
A WOMAN who constantly feeds her phone personal information is convinced it is eavesdropping on her conversations.
IS your immediate response to important events to send out a picture with an unfunny caption? Here Martin Bishop explains how he’s changing the world one meme at a time.
PHYSICAL objects are such aggravating bastards that sometimes you just want to punch them into little pieces. Here are six frequent offenders.
A MAN who has spent 30 minutes explaining to his date what non-fungible tokens are is somehow under the impression that the evening is going well.
BACK in the day you played with Lego, ate leftover turkey and watched Where Eagles Dare. But Christmas has changed irrevocably, and here’s what you do now.
YOU stupidly thought you could cope with 18 films at 12 years old. Here are the ones you sneakily watched that traumatised you for life.
THE cream of television captivates audiences with good plots and characters. Or there's these, which were total shite apart from their theme tunes.
WHEN your son announces that he would like to go to the Warhammer shop, your first instinct is to disown him. And that’s correct. Follow it with these.
DANIEL Craig says he was ‘choked up’ by the death of 007, but it would have been kinder to cinemagoers and Bond to kill him off years ago. Here are some characters who should join him.
MUSICIANS can’t be content with writing tunes and feel the need to pretend they’re hard. Here are some of the least convincing.
THERE is nothing like a woman kicking ass in the business world to make other women feel like failures. Begin the year with these pioneers.
ONCE rulers of the high street, it’s now impossible to believe that their unsettling concepts were ever viable businesses. How did they ever survive?
ONLINE shops are beginning a relentless quest for customer feedback that will only end when you have given them five stars or are dead.
A LITTLE boy has been delighted to realise that Christmas is more of a hollow capitalist scam than he dared to dream possible.
THE most important man in recorded history has set an out-of-office auto-response on his email for 1pm until 6pm today.
IT’S Monday morning and your inbox is full of treasures. Here are five emails to make you grateful you opened Outlook.
THE worst possible twats who worked over Christmas have booked the next two weeks off, it has emerged.
A REGIONAL manager who has never bothered to find out your name is offended by your lack of commitment to your job.
REMOTE working means unexpected screen sharing and shit, you forgot you’d left that tab open. But which websites are the most shaming?
A MAN has been disheartened by the discovery that his employment continues to exist and that he is expected to take part in it.
A Wetherspoons has been levelled by a seismic volley of orgasms after a pint was served in a glass with a little crown on it.
SCOTLAND has once again admitted that it cannot return to work until tomorrow because it overdid it massively at New Year.
A MAN sure his New Year's Eve would end in the throes of passionate sex found himself home alone in bed without making it to midnight.
THERE are more shit ways to spend New Year’s Eve than there are stars in the sky. Here are just a few of them.
IF you’ve overindulged on Christmas Day, avoiding a hangover on Boxing Day will be a challenge needing a creative solution. Try these: