THE prime minister has affirmed his commitment to locking ‘em up is matched by his commitment to letting ‘em out early. Who do you want to see released?

KEIR Starmer has told pensioners worried about their winter fuel allowance that being furiously and impotently right-wing will give them an inner glow.

WERE you not expecting miracles from Labour, but are now justifiably annoyed at how shit they actually are? Here’s how to cope with it for the next five f**king years.

THE deputy prime minister has remained on the decks spinning fat tunes from the end of her holiday and into parliament, it has emerged.

PRITI Patel feels she has only been knocked out of the Tory leadership race because the party is not ready for a strong woman with her awful qualities.

THE Grenfell Tower Inquiry final report has saved the nation from trawling through its tragic pages by ending with a summary blaming the Conservative government.

THE number of young people going to university could soon be the same as the number of young people who should be going to university, the government has confirmed.

AFTER Jon Bon Jovi successfully prevented a suicide attempt on a bridge, Radiohead’s Thom Yorke has attempted to do likewise with slightly less positive results.

CAN you no longer walk down the high street without being stuck behind a gaggle of self-important slowly-perambulating freshers ? This is your next ten weeks:

TRUMP wasn’t lying about immigrants eating pets. They’ve been doing it in Britain for years, and there's a mountain of evidence if you know where to look. Such as this...

THE picturesque town of Luton in Bedfordshire is considering a levy on visitors to pay for the upkeep of its iconic but over-touristed streets.

MEN have explained that they leave the toilet seat up not because they are lazy bastards, but so women can feel confident it will not be covered in piss.

THE younger generation has warned it will increase its production of ridiculous slang unless its demands are met.

A HOUSEHOLD is holding a ceremony to officially mark the start of months of competitive heating-related feuding.

YOU watched, rapt, as these visions of the future unfolded. Ignorant of the fact your teacher stuck the video on because she was lazy, and none of it would happen.

THE UK’s debts and historically high tax levels could leave households unable to buy whatever they fancy, according to a new report.

KNOCKING over skittles while wearing silly shoes is a uniquely depressing activity reserved for the most tragic occasions. Including these.

THE gifts of the internet are many: email, wide access to troubling pornography and something to do on buses. But these phrases are not to be employed offline.

NOBODY seems to want the England job and fans believe anyone could do it better than Gareth Southgate, so should we let this lad Lee Carsley do it?

FOLLOWING the shocking exposure of Jermaine Jenas as neither bland nor sexless enough for The One Show, who will take football’s top presenting job?

THE multi-million pound transfer market is once again ridiculing the pointless allegiances of football fans.

A NEW Premier League season has begun, but which club deserves to win it most and will therefore inevitably triumph?

THE Olympic Games were kidnapped by an abseiling maniac from the Church of Scientology right under the noses of a global audience last night.

THE horrific crash during the women’s cycling at the Paris Olympics yesterday has raised hopes that cycling can now be stopped altogether.

A BILLIONAIRE has finally achieved his dream of looking down on the entire world’s population while shaking his head condescendingly.

THE average Briton spends almost half of every day maintaining a dubious series of streaks, it has emerged.

THE driver of an electric vehicle is making the noises of an internal combustion engine with his mouth, he has admitted.

TALL researchers have concluded that short men are inferior in every possible way.

DISNEY has halted production on all of its terrible Star Wars projects for 24 hours as a tribute to the late James Earl Jones.

BARELY a single male actor or movie star has suffered male pattern baldness in decades, it has emerged.

GOT up to buy Oasis tickets in your lucky bucket hat and round sunglasses? These are the six stages of your failure.

BRITAIN'S media is frantically churning out witless articles about ‘Cool Britannia II’ thanks to the Oasis reunion. See how many of these words and phrases you can spot.

CAME of age during Britpop? Can’t hear those classic songs without flashing back to a moment of buttock-clenching shame? These are the memories they evoke.

MEN are simple creatures who can easily be convinced to do anything. Here’s how to sell them even the most feminine of beverages.

xBRITAIN’S richest plumber and worst Rod Stewart tribute Charlie Mullins is leaving the UK to avoid tax. But what if he tries to return? Here’s how to keep this scourge from our shores.

TICKETMASTER have explained tickets were only priced so low for Oasis’s concerts next year because they were not convinced it would be popular.

RYANAIR and Wetherspoons are fighting each other while rolling in filth and shouting incoherently, all over a couple of cans of lager.

A CONSULTANCY firm is proud of its distinctive workplace culture of drinking too much while employing multiple staff members with the same name.

HI, [INSERT NAME HERE], I came across your LinkedIn profile and thought you would be a great fit to make me look like I’ve got a wealth of candidates. Here’s how I’ll screw you over.

A SWEET, delusional man expects his 40-hour a week job to cover not only rent but utility bills and food, he has admitted.

A DEVIOUS manager has heaped praise on his staff only because he knows it will motivate them to double their efforts.

A RELAXED, fashionable office of high-earning professionals kept at a breezy 21 degrees is being watched jealously from the pavement outside.

A MAN who absolutely underdid it on the pints has woken up mortified at the not even slightly embarrassing things he said the night before.

SCIENTISTS in Britain’s capital believe they are only months away from creating an ordinary point of beer which costs more than £15.

SHITFACED way after midnight? Illogically hungry? These are the foods you will stumblingly prepare yourself, ranked from worst to best.

PINTS are scientifically proven to make all your troubles melt away, but the time of day can make them taste even sweeter. These are the best times to drink one, ranked.

THE time is now exactly knock off work and drink five delicious pints in a beer garden o’clock, scientists have confirmed.