Your astrological week ahead for June 15th, with Psychic Bob

“Billy Zane is not my girl, no, he’s a guy who used to date Kelly Brook. My God her acting sucked.”

Nation struggles to think of something to thank their fathers for

AS FATHERS Day looms, Britain is trying its hardest to think of any occasion where their fathers did anything worthy of recognition or gratitude.

We ask you: who do you fancy to knock England out of Euro 2024?

THIS could be England’s year to go all the way to the stage where they are defeated by a better team, but who will that team be?

Animals obstructing progress again
SUPERFLUOUS wildlife is once again standing in the way of logging, beef farming and fossil fuel extraction, industry has confirmed.
The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Sunak's heartbreaking tale of growing up without QVC

WAKING with a hangover so thumping I expect a gorilla’s fist to come bursting out of my cranium at any moment, I reflect on the meeting with Sir Keir Starmer that led me to drink.

Reform ahead of Tory party in contest of the ugliest bastards

REFORM have narrowly edged ahead of the Conservatives in a battle to be Britain’s most unelectable right-wing arseholes.

Man discovering wife's affair finally able to admit he broke missing mug

A HUSBAND who discovered his wife had been having a year-long affair was relieved to finally admit he broke a mug while unloading the dishwasher.

How the Euros are going to f**k up your month if you don't give a shit about football

IF you don’t care about football, your life is about to become a waking nightmare. Despair as you're subjected to these things, you non-football-loving weirdo.

What is capital gains tax and have you ever met anyone who has paid it?

LABOUR will not promise that capital gains tax will rise, but have you, or has anyone you know, ever paid it? This FAQ explains what it is and why the answer is no:

Artisan bollocks and wall-to-wall f**king fudge: The gammon food critic visits a food festival

FOOD is fuel, and anyone who talks pretentious bollocks about it is a con artist. ‘The sea bass goujons are sublime.’ Piss off. They’re just up-themselves fish fingers.

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Fellate Paddington: How Sunak can claw back his patriotic credentials

SUNAK hates Britain and backed the Nazis during World War Two, most Britons now believe. This is what he must do to show he’s a hardcore flag-shagger.

We ask you: is it wrong to politicise Rishi Sunak f**king off D-Day veterans to be on telly?

THE prime minister chose not to disrespect ITV, our greatest terrestrial channel, by missing his interview with them. Are opponents wrong to make this a political issue?

Sorry, didn’t realise you were all a bunch of history nerds

THE prime minister has apologised for leaving the D-Day service early but he was unaware that you were all a lame bunch of history swots.

'Being fined for dangerously speeding on the motorway got your attention,' says triumphant Ed Davey

AFTER trying to make the electorate notice him with a series of entertaining japes, Sir Ed Davey has finally got the attention he craves by being fined for speeding.

Builder doing excellent job of being a stereotypical working-class arsehole
A BUILDER working on a couple’s loft conversion has surpassed their expectations of him being an uncultured, bigoted wanker with zero professionalism.


Barratt Homes admit they've no idea where the houses come from, who is building them or why

BARRATT Homes have confessed they have no idea who designs, builds or orders their identical housing estates or why they keep appearing everywhere.

Knitted postbox toppers, and other signs your area's becoming terminally twee

WORRIED about crime in your area? Excessive whimsy is much more of a danger. Here are some warning signs to look out for.

Parents thankful that child is just naturally rich

A WELL-off mother and father are feeling grateful that their child has the good fortune to be born wealthy, it has emerged.

Man in hotel missing underlying passive-aggressive tone of an Airbnb stay

A MAN staying in a regular hotel is longing for the underlying hostility of booking a night in an Airbnb, it has emerged.

Not enough graduates know about Freudian subtext in Alien 3, say employers

TOO many graduates have insufficient knowledge of the psychosexual elements of the Alien films, industry leaders have warned.

Sunak aide's second bet on election was that Tories would lose
THE MP and aide to Rishi Sunak who placed a bet on a July election has placed a second bet on the result, but admitted he does not stand to win a great deal.


Pain au chocolat and other things that are delightfully fun to mispronounce

DELIBERATELY cocking up the pronunciation of words is one of life's little pleasures, so liven up your otherwise drab existence by mangling these.

Birdwatching, and other hobbies suited to people who've given up on ever getting laid

ABANDONED all hope of getting a shag? Fill your time with one of these cripplingly dull hobbies where your lack of sexual charisma will see you fit right in.

University town fun for three years and not a day more

TOWNS where students go to get drunk and occasionally attend lectures are fun for exactly three years only, it has emerged.

'I'm fresh from the surf', claims woman wearing DryRobe for school run in Derby

A MUM wearing a DryRobe on the school run has come fresh from a strenuous cold-water swim at the beach, she has implied.

Couple insist underfloor heating won't change them

A COUPLE who have just had underfloor heating installed are claiming they will not let it go to their heads.

Letting someone with one item go in front of you: Good deeds you've got no sodding choice about

SOME acts of kindness are so unavoidable you can’t even congratulate yourself on your incredible generosity toward the little people. Here are some you just grudgingly have to do.

Students learn nothing from school trip except Josh's mum well fit
PUPILS on a school trip have come back with no new knowledge except that a classmate’s mum is a certified MILF.


Why is it here? What did we do wrong? The US guide to the US-hosted Cricket World Cup

THE USA is co-hosting a Cricket World Cup it knows f**k all about. Here’s a guide to the perplexing, tedious sport so beloved of British people.

We ask you: will United beat City in today’s FA Cup final, or does the world make sense?

MANCHESTER United play rivals Manchester City in today’s FA Cup final, but would a shock win cause the magnetic poles to reverse and the dead to walk the earth?

Relegations fail to reduce football

TEAMS relegated on the last day of the Premier League season will only be replaced by different ones, it has emerged.

We ask you: is it time to kick out England's most successful manager since 1966 for being shit?

GARETH Southgate, the most successful England manager since Alf Ramsey, is a miserable failure who lost his country two Euros and a World Cup. Time for him to go?

What your neighbours' election sign tells you about the kind of delusional bastard they are
ONE of the few good things about the election is finding out what type of bellend your neighbours are from the poster in their window or sign in their garden. Here’s how to judge them.

Science & Technology

Woman believes social media best place to cry and discuss personal problems

A WOMAN is convinced social media is a suitable forum for her to cry and discuss her most intimate personal problems.

Call from unknown number can go f**k itself

AN INCOMING phone call from a number you do not recognise can do one, it has been confirmed.

Looks not everything but they are about 95 per cent, scientists confirm

BEING handsome or beautiful is not the be-all-and-end-all of being attractive but it does account for 95 per cent, scientists have confirmed.

Mate in the group chat who never says anything died in 2019

A WHATSAPP group is the mourning the loss of one of its members after it was discovered his silence was not due to him ‘being shit at the bantz’, but because he is dead.

We ask you: should cafes ban laptops and their overpaid scum users?

A CANTERBURY cafe has banned laptops and claims it has helped build a community. Should others do the same?

Arts & Entertainment

Festivalgoers warned only to consume corporate-sponsored drugs

AS the summer festival season gets under way, organisers have warned against using ecstasy, cocaine and skunk that does not carry the logo of an official sponsor.

'What have I unleashed?' laments first person to put slowed-down pop song in film trailer

THE first person to use a slow, acoustic cover of a pop song in a film trailer has taken a moment to reflect on the horror they have unleashed onto the world.

Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins: Liberating songs for middle-aged blokes who are out and proud

DO you refuse to deny your true middle-aged male self any longer? Do you think the Top Gun soundtrack is a bloody good record, actually? It’s time to come out of the musical closet with these tracks.

Kanye and Paul McCartney, and other weird musical collaborations we moved on from far too quickly

THERE are many classic musical collaborations, and then there are some really weird ones that nobody asked for. Like these.

The Spark, and other hits by the under-12s that must be expunged from history

A GROUP of Irish pre-teen rappers have recorded the viral hit The Spark. Unsurprisingly it is f**king horrible and all traces of it should be destroyed, along with these other ‘heartwarming’ child hits.

We ask you: which is more implausible, the Tory manifesto or the Green Party manifesto?
BOTH the Conservative and Green Party manifestos are packed with impossible promises from unelectable parties. But which is the more preposterous?


Dead office workers costing Britain millions, say Tories

THE soaring number of office workers selfishly dying at their desks is costing Britain £2.6bn a year, a new report has found.

Successful young person can f**k right off

A MAN decades younger than you who has already achieved more than you ever will can go and f**k himself, older generations have agreed.

Post Office blames postmasters for counterfeit stamps, bad weather and the decline of the Arctic Monkeys

THE Post Office has announced that counterfeit stamps, heavy rain and the Arctic Monkeys’ recent loungecore albums are all postmasters’ fault.

Adult nappies: are you missing out?
DEMAND for adult nappies is soaring, with one in five Britons wearing them. Are you missing out on this convenient new lifestyle option? These are just some of the benefits.


'Back in your day…' and other comments you can sue Gen Z bastards for now

A JUDGE has ruled that saying ‘back in your day’ to an older colleague could be considered age harassment. Here are some phrases young people had better not say to you, then.

Guru, wizard, rock star: six suffixes to your job title that make it clear you're a twat

TO stand out in the job market, why not impress on employers that you’re a first-class prick with your job title alone? Any of these should do it.

The five and only five emails people send in office jobs

OFFICE jobs look complicated from the outside, but all they really involve is sending these five emails again and again and again forever.

Trip to office printer like a little holiday

WALKING to the office printer to make some copies is as fun and relaxing as a fortnight in the Lake District, it has been confirmed.

Workplace safety assessment finds main hazard being around twats all day

WORKPLACE safety assessments are finding that the main occupational hazard facing Britons is being around twats all day.

Emergency plumber drunk on godlike power

AN emergency plumber with an exorbitant call out fee and a string of desperate clients is feeling more powerful than Zeus, he has confirmed.

What we weren't allowed as children: the privileged whines from leaders of all parties
RISHI Sunak wasn’t allowed Sky TV, so the leaders of all other parties have rushed to share their heartbreaking childhood deprivations to catch up. This is what they suffered.


Have you got time for a quick pint? A quiz

YOUR body, as usual, is craving a quick pint. But do you have time to squeeze one in? Take our quiz.

Major European city great place to get pissed, reports couple

A COUPLE on a citybreak have reported that Berlin is a marvellous location for getting absolutely shitfaced.

We ask you: are your children boozing enough?

ENGLAND has the highest rate of child alcohol consumption of all countries surveyed by the World Health Organisation, but are your children doing their part?

The sordid details of your sex life: Things you'll deeply regret telling your mates when pissed

DRINKING sessions are a great way to connect with friends when your inhibitions are down. And also ruin your life by sharing these overly personal admissions. 

Every type of British person able to afford to drink every day

INCOME, age, race and class have proved no obstacle to any British citizen’s inalienable right to drink alcohol whenever they want to.

Lads' pub chat dries up after all 90s footballers named

A GROUP of lads out for an all-day session have lapsed into silence after exhausting their stock of ironic football-based banter.

Paul Mescal: seven celebrities every woman believes she could pull in the right circumstances
AS women we scoff at male delusions that it it came to it, they could pilot an aircraft to an emergency landing. While simultaneously believing these men are within our reach.