Why moving out of London was the best thing I ever did then the worst and why I regret moving back again

I WAS fed up of the rat race, the dreary commute, living in the armpits of sweaty businessmen on the 7.15 train, the tired cliche of unfriendly strangers rushing by without time to say ‘Hello’.

How to learn to live with Wordle

POPULAR online puzzle game Wordle shows no sign of going away any time soon. Here's how to learn how to live with  this population-enslaving time-waster.

Eight other quotes you could use to tell Boris Johnson to f**k off

DAVID Davies yesterday quoted Oliver Cromwell to tell Johnson to piss off. Which other quotes, with helpful amendments, might help the dick get the message? 

'Getting the popcorn out': Six things idiots online think are original and hilarious

EVER noticed that every online discussion is full of people making the same old tired jokes and observations? Here are some of the most wearisome.

Even Tim Martin doesn't like you, and other ways to know you're really up shit creek
BORIS Johnson has found himself in non-stop trouble recently. Here he explains the telltale signs that you might be irretrievably f**ked.
Dear Boris, when I called you a 'lying sack of shit' I may have spoken in haste

AS a loyal Tory MP, I feel I should make it clear that when I referred to you as a ‘lying sack of shit’, a ‘f**king liability’ and a ‘dead man walking’, I was only kidding.

Tory MP joins Labour just in time for the good bit

A CONSERVATIVE MP has crossed the floor sides just in time to enjoy the downfall of his former party.

Six films where everyone's a twat

ARE you baffled by films where you’re expected to identify with blundering twats? These six made you wish they’d all piss off.

The stingy bastard's guide to riding out the cost of living crisis

INFLATION got you worried? Bills rocketing? Can’t pay rent? Not me, because I’m a tight bastard. Let me show you how to cut costs to zero.

'I always thought I'd have to quit because I'd been caught f**king someone'

I NEVER thought it would end like this. In my head, after I’d led Britain roaring back to imperial glory, I have to quit because I’ve been caught f**king someone.

Are you punishing yourself enough this January?

WE’RE halfway through a month of gruelling self-improvement, from temperance to exercise to chugging oat milk. But are you hurting yourself enough?

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Politics

You're f**king right you're sorry, says Queen

THE Queen has responded to Downing Street’s apology by commenting ‘f**king right they’re sorry’ but ‘not as sorry as they’re going to be’.

Fill me with your babies, Rishi: Another toe-curling column about Sunak

I’M allegedly an adult woman and a serious journalist, but I think I speak for all the ladies when I say: shag me, sexy Mr Chancellor, and fill me with your little Rishis.

Millions from journalism and public speaking: The destitution that awaits Boris Johnson

BORIS Johnson will surely soon be deposed as PM, leaving politics in shame and disgrace. Here’s what the remainder of his wretched, penniless existence has in store for him.

A form letter of no confidence for Tory MPs with writer's block

ARE you a Tory MP? Have you written your letter to the 1922 Committee yet? Here is an easy template to follow: 

Why haven't you f**ked off yet?

BORIS Johnson has arrived at work to face one burning question from his party and the country: why haven’t you f**ked off yet?

Priti Patel's totally unbiased guide to whether a party is criminal or not

IN 2020 Priti Patel said she’d call the police to report a neighbour holding a party but now she’s defending Boris Johnson’s. Here’s her guide to whether a party breaks the law.

Nine reasons why your vote for Boris Johnson doesn't make you a prize dick
DID you vote for Boris Johnson in 2019? Feeling quite the rosette-wearing cock? Former Boris fan Norman Steele has nine pathetic ways to justify it.

Society

15 ways in which all other drivers prove themselves to be arseholes

DRIVING would be so much nicer if it wasn’t for all the other total twats on the roads doing these things.

How to summon the energy to be outraged

TOO unsurprised to be properly pissed off by yet another f**king Tory lockdown party? Build your anger stamina with these tips.

A hundred people bringing their own booze and other things the Met Police haven't noticed

POLICE at Downing Street completely failed to spot 100 staffers with eight-packs of Stella in blue plastic bags getting shitfaced in the garden. What else did they miss?

Piranhas, spontaneous combustion and the Bermuda Triangle: how kids thought they'd meet their doom

REMEMBER when you thought you’d die of something cool, and not from a sedentary lifestyle and poor genes? You were convinced these five things would kill you.

Nobody has to go and see any f**ker this weekend

WITH all relatives and friends met and all obligations discharged, the entire UK is not open to seeing any f**ker this weekend.

A private education and an Oxbridge degree: Things twats think make life hard for them

PEOPLE love to complain about how bad they have it, especially pricks who've been handed everything on a platter. Here's what they enjoy whining about.

Six bands who pretended to be from the future but looked like twats 
CLAIMING to be from the future is near-impossible to pull off, especially if you’re a pop star with stupid hair. These acts made the future look shit.

Lifestyle

Woman in luxurious bath surrounded by candles bored as f**k

A WOMAN who ran herself a luxurious bubble bath to relax in got out after eight minutes because she was utterly bored.

Perving over your neighbours, and other reasons to be a creep with a ring camera

GOT a camera on your doorbell that you claim is for security reasons? Here’s what you really use it for.

Woman buys coat she's too embarrassed to wear

A WOMAN has bought a funky, brightly coloured coat that she is too embarrassed to step outside in.

Pampas grass means swingers: Sex secrets of the suburbs

THE British suburbs may seem a sexless desert of women in gardening kneepads and men washing cars, but they are actually red-hot pits of depravity. These are the signs.

Calling your teacher 'mum': Embarrassing moments you still relive every single week

SOME moments are so embarrassing that the memory of them pops up on shuffle every few days. Here are some low points in your life you'll be made to relive.

How sex education is different nowadays, by a middle-aged man speculating

TEENAGERS today are at it like rabbits, I reckon. I’m Martin Bishop, I’m 44, and I’m shocked by my own speculations about how sex education is now.

How to cope now that you're rooting for that bellend Cummings
FOUND yourself rooting for that bastard Cummings now that he’s putting the boot into Johnson? Come to terms with this development.

Sport

Djokovic to defend title via Zoom

TENNIS star Novak Djokovic is to compete in the Australian Open remotely via Zoom, it has been confirmed.

George Best and other sports stars today's modern, pansy athletes can’t compare to

MONEY and woke rules have ruined modern sports, according to old school fan Roy Hobbs. Here's his take on why today’s athletes can never compare to these gods:

Letting Djokovic stay could ruin our delicate ecosystem of twats, says Australia

ALLOWING Novak Djokovic to stay and compete in the Open could unbalance Australia’s ecosystem of enormous twats, the country has confirmed.

Five sports that don't count as exercise

WANT to do competitive physical activity, but not to break a sweat? These five activities are technically sports but medically aren’t.

Racist can't face getting into cricket

A KEEN and committed racist has admitted that despite Yorkshire’s exemplary record of bigotry he is still not getting into cricket.

Taliban to take over Middlesbrough FC

THE rulers of Afghanistan are to buy out Middlesbrough FC for £320 million, the Premier League has confirmed.

Chief Disruptor and other made-up job titles for complete wankers
THE corporate world is a minefield of ‘innovation managers’ and ‘change agents’. Never interact with any arsehole in one of these bollocks jobs.

Science & Technology

'My phone is listening to my conversations', thinks woman who Googled that thing a week ago

A WOMAN who constantly feeds her phone personal information is convinced it is eavesdropping on her conversations.

The twat's guide to thinking you're making a difference with a bunch of stupid memes

IS your immediate response to important events to send out a picture with an unfunny caption? Here Martin Bishop explains how he’s changing the world one meme at a time.

Six household objects you'd like to physically fight

PHYSICAL objects are such aggravating bastards that sometimes you just want to punch them into little pieces. Here are six frequent offenders.

Man explaining non-fungible tokens to date still thinks he could score

A MAN who has spent 30 minutes explaining to his date what non-fungible tokens are is somehow under the impression that the evening is going well.

Six totally un-Christmassy things everyone does at Christmas now

BACK in the day you played with Lego, ate leftover turkey and watched Where Eagles Dare. But Christmas has changed irrevocably, and here’s what you do now.

12 ways to be a dickhead on Facebook this Christmas

FACEBOOK can be irritating at the best of times, but Christmas seems to bring out the worst in people who are already dicks.

Protestors celebrate defeat of crime bill by not being rounded up and shot
PEACEFUL protestors have celebrated the defeat of the government’s crime bill in the Lords by not being arrested, imprisoned without charge and shot at dawn.

Arts & Entertainment

'I have no son': What to do when your 13-year-old gets into Warhammer

WHEN your son announces that he would like to go to the Warhammer shop, your first instinct is to disown him. And that’s correct. Follow it with these.

Bond and other fictional characters who needed killing off years ago

DANIEL Craig says he was ‘choked up’ by the death of 007, but it would have been kinder to cinemagoers and Bond to kill him off years ago. Here are some characters who should join him.

Six musical acts who laughably tried to sound hard

MUSICIANS can’t be content with writing tunes and feel the need to pretend they’re hard. Here are some of the least convincing.

How to choose which TV series to stream and get it wrong every time

IT’S time to get into a new TV series. Here are five tactics to help you choose that are guaranteed to leave you disappointed.

Five ways the Grange Hill movie will massively let you down

THE Grange Hill movie is guaranteed to ruin your childhood by being a massive let-down. Here’s how it will disappoint.

Tits for no reason: the essential features of every 80s film

EVERYONE loves 80s movies for their neon palette and banging synthesised soundtracks. But rewatching them reveals other key elements which are bizarre...

All homeless people admit it was the TV licence that broke them
THE UK’s homeless population have confirmed that it was the annual £159 TV licence payment that forced them onto the streets.

Business

Six inspiring female entrepreneurs to make you feel shit about yourself

THERE is nothing like a woman kicking ass in the business world to make other women feel like failures. Begin the year with these pioneers.

Rumbelows and other shops it's hard to believe existed

ONCE rulers of the high street, it’s now impossible to believe that their unsettling concepts were ever viable businesses. How did they ever survive?

'We will get feedback if we have to take it from your cold, dead fingers' vows online shop

ONLINE shops are beginning a relentless quest for customer feedback that will only end when you have given them five stars or are dead.

Christmas more commercial than kid could have even dreamed

A LITTLE boy has been delighted to realise that Christmas is more of a hollow capitalist scam than he dared to dream possible.

Most important man in the world puts out-of-office response on for afternoon off

THE most important man in recorded history has set an out-of-office auto-response on his email for 1pm until 6pm today.

Shopworker devastated to hear complaining customer taking business elsewhere

A SHOP assistant is distraught to learn a customer will be shopping elsewhere following a minor incident.

Sue Gray's guide to fifteen minutes of political fame
IT’S January 2022, and the name on every Conservative minister desperately stalling for time’s lips is Sue Gray. But what’s it like to be her?

Work

Twats have booked the next fortnight off

THE worst possible twats who worked over Christmas have booked the next two weeks off, it has emerged.

Boss who doesn't know your name would like to see more commitment from you

A REGIONAL manager who has never bothered to find out your name is offended by your lack of commitment to your job.

The worst websites to be caught browsing by your boss

REMOTE working means unexpected screen sharing and shit, you forgot you’d left that tab open. But which websites are the most shaming?

Man disappointed to find his job still there

A MAN has been disheartened by the discovery that his employment continues to exist and that he is expected to take part in it.

Office dickhead referring to every day this week as 'Twixmas'

A MORONIC office worker is delighting in calling every day between now and New Year 'Twixmas'.

Worker jubilant after IT problem doesn't have blindingly obvious solution

A WOMAN is celebrating avoiding a mortifying IT incident after the shocking discovery her broken computer is not a simple error and her fault.

One Starmer beer equals twelve Downing Street parties: the Daily Mail guide to maths
MATHEMATICS is yet another great British instutition captured by hard-left teachers who insist on things ‘adding up’. Here’s how patriots do it.

Alcohol

Wetherspoons hit by mass orgasm as pint served with crown on the glass

A Wetherspoons has been levelled by a seismic volley of orgasms after a pint was served in a glass with a little crown on it.

We'll be taking our usual second bank holiday today, admits horrendously hungover Scotland

SCOTLAND has once again admitted that it cannot return to work until tomorrow because it overdid it massively at New Year.

Man convinced he was going to get laid on New Year's Eve in bed by 11pm

A MAN sure his New Year's Eve would end in the throes of passionate sex found himself home alone in bed without making it to midnight.

22 shit ways to spend New Year's Eve

THERE are more shit ways to spend New Year’s Eve than there are stars in the sky. Here are just a few of them.

Six creative ways to avoid a Boxing Day hangover

IF you’ve overindulged on Christmas Day, avoiding a hangover on Boxing Day will be a challenge needing a creative solution. Try these:

Mum pissed

MOTHERS across the UK are very, very drunk right now, it has emerged.

What women want in bed, according to a man who's never bothered to ask
STRUGGLING to please a lady in bed? Never fear, for I, Stephen Malley, expert on women and sex from years of online study, can deliver you to sexual greatness.