Six bands who pretended to be from the future but looked like twats 

CLAIMING to be from the future is near-impossible to pull off, especially if you’re a pop star with stupid hair. These acts made the future look shit.

How to cope now that you're rooting for that bellend Cummings

FOUND yourself rooting for that bastard Cummings now that he’s putting the boot into Johnson? Come to terms with this development.

Chief Disruptor and other made-up job titles for complete wankers

THE corporate world is a minefield of ‘innovation managers’ and ‘change agents’. Never interact with any arsehole in one of these bollocks jobs.

Protestors celebrate defeat of crime bill by not being rounded up and shot

PEACEFUL protestors have celebrated the defeat of the government’s crime bill in the Lords by not being arrested, imprisoned without charge and shot at dawn.

All homeless people admit it was the TV licence that broke them
THE UK’s homeless population have confirmed that it was the annual £159 TV licence payment that forced them onto the streets.
Sue Gray's guide to fifteen minutes of political fame

IT’S January 2022, and the name on every Conservative minister desperately stalling for time’s lips is Sue Gray. But what’s it like to be her?

One Starmer beer equals twelve Downing Street parties: the Daily Mail guide to maths

MATHEMATICS is yet another great British instutition captured by hard-left teachers who insist on things ‘adding up’. Here’s how patriots do it.

What women want in bed, according to a man who's never bothered to ask

STRUGGLING to please a lady in bed? Never fear, for I, Stephen Malley, expert on women and sex from years of online study, can deliver you to sexual greatness.

'Can the Queen sack the prime minister', Googles Queen

HER Majesty the Queen has consulted an internet search engine over whether she can fire Boris Johnson, it has emerged.

Astrologer starting to worry it's all bullshit

AN astrologer of 30 years’ standing has begun to wonder if the horoscopes she provides are actually accurate in any way.

The BBC, and seven other things much more popular than Boris Johnson he can kill to win the nation round

BORIS Johnson is to kill the BBC for being more popular with Britain than he is. What else could he destroy to win us round?

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Politics

Why haven't you f**ked off yet?

BORIS Johnson has arrived at work to face one burning question from his party and the country: why haven’t you f**ked off yet?

Priti Patel's totally unbiased guide to whether a party is criminal or not

IN 2020 Priti Patel said she’d call the police to report a neighbour holding a party but now she’s defending Boris Johnson’s. Here’s her guide to whether a party breaks the law.

All work BYOB from lunchtime today

FOLLOWING Boris Johnson’s admission that he ‘believed implicitly’ that 30 people in the garden drinking was a work event, all work is bring your own booze from 1pm today.

WKD Blue for Gove: which booze would which politician take to a BYOB party?

THE Conservative government appears to have been having it large throughout lockdown. But which type of booze would which politician favour?

I'll always remember that party summer, by Boris Johnson

THE summer of 2020. For many it was a time of Covid, of lockdowns, of furlough. But I and a hundred close colleagues will always remember it as our party summer.

The self-serving, transparent, favour-abusing texts you've sent vs Boris Johnson's

WE’VE all sent sly texts blatantly intended to bring in a massive favour or get a freebie. But how do yours compare with Boris Johnson’s?

Five f**king delightful emails to find in your inbox on Monday morning
IT’S Monday morning and your inbox is full of treasures. Here are five emails to make you grateful you opened Outlook.

Society

15 ways in which all other drivers prove themselves to be arseholes

DRIVING would be so much nicer if it wasn’t for all the other total twats on the roads doing these things.

How to summon the energy to be outraged

TOO unsurprised to be properly pissed off by yet another f**king Tory lockdown party? Build your anger stamina with these tips.

A hundred people bringing their own booze and other things the Met Police haven't noticed

POLICE at Downing Street completely failed to spot 100 staffers with eight-packs of Stella in blue plastic bags getting shitfaced in the garden. What else did they miss?

Piranhas, spontaneous combustion and the Bermuda Triangle: how kids thought they'd meet their doom

REMEMBER when you thought you’d die of something cool, and not from a sedentary lifestyle and poor genes? You were convinced these five things would kill you.

Nobody has to go and see any f**ker this weekend

WITH all relatives and friends met and all obligations discharged, the entire UK is not open to seeing any f**ker this weekend.

A private education and an Oxbridge degree: Things twats think make life hard for them

PEOPLE love to complain about how bad they have it, especially pricks who've been handed everything on a platter. Here's what they enjoy whining about.

Man still blaming his dry spell on Covid
A MAN is blaming his lack of sex on the pandemic, even though physical restrictions ended several months ago.

Lifestyle

Woman buys coat she's too embarrassed to wear

A WOMAN has bought a funky, brightly coloured coat that she is too embarrassed to step outside in.

Pampas grass means swingers: Sex secrets of the suburbs

THE British suburbs may seem a sexless desert of women in gardening kneepads and men washing cars, but they are actually red-hot pits of depravity. These are the signs.

Calling your teacher 'mum': Embarrassing moments you still relive every single week

SOME moments are so embarrassing that the memory of them pops up on shuffle every few days. Here are some low points in your life you'll be made to relive.

How sex education is different nowadays, by a middle-aged man speculating

TEENAGERS today are at it like rabbits, I reckon. I’m Martin Bishop, I’m 44, and I’m shocked by my own speculations about how sex education is now.

Woman will find correct bra size the moment she's comfortable with strange woman in shop poking at her tits

A WOMAN has promised to be in her perfect bra size as soon as she is cool with a shop assistant prodding and lifting her boobs.

Next year to be mostly spent staring into distance thinking about sex

THE majority of next year will be spent vacantly staring at nothing and daydreaming about shagging, scientists have confirmed.

Man turns on wife's vibrator then can't turn it off
A MAN has discovered his wife’s vibrator, turned it on to see what it does and is now frantically trying to turn it off.

Sport

George Best and other sports stars today's modern, pansy athletes can’t compare to

MONEY and woke rules have ruined modern sports, according to old school fan Roy Hobbs. Here's his take on why today’s athletes can never compare to these gods:

Letting Djokovic stay could ruin our delicate ecosystem of twats, says Australia

ALLOWING Novak Djokovic to stay and compete in the Open could unbalance Australia’s ecosystem of enormous twats, the country has confirmed.

Five sports that don't count as exercise

WANT to do competitive physical activity, but not to break a sweat? These five activities are technically sports but medically aren’t.

Racist can't face getting into cricket

A KEEN and committed racist has admitted that despite Yorkshire’s exemplary record of bigotry he is still not getting into cricket.

Taliban to take over Middlesbrough FC

THE rulers of Afghanistan are to buy out Middlesbrough FC for £320 million, the Premier League has confirmed.

British sporting success making us look like dicks, Remainers admit

REMAINERS have admitted that unprecendented British sporting success the first summer after Brexit is not doing their cause any favours.

'So's your mum': the 1980s schoolkid's guide to wit
DID you once savage your classmates with your astounding repartee? Then you no doubt used these zingers back in the day.

Science & Technology

'My phone is listening to my conversations', thinks woman who Googled that thing a week ago

A WOMAN who constantly feeds her phone personal information is convinced it is eavesdropping on her conversations.

The twat's guide to thinking you're making a difference with a bunch of stupid memes

IS your immediate response to important events to send out a picture with an unfunny caption? Here Martin Bishop explains how he’s changing the world one meme at a time.

Six household objects you'd like to physically fight

PHYSICAL objects are such aggravating bastards that sometimes you just want to punch them into little pieces. Here are six frequent offenders.

Man explaining non-fungible tokens to date still thinks he could score

A MAN who has spent 30 minutes explaining to his date what non-fungible tokens are is somehow under the impression that the evening is going well.

Six totally un-Christmassy things everyone does at Christmas now

BACK in the day you played with Lego, ate leftover turkey and watched Where Eagles Dare. But Christmas has changed irrevocably, and here’s what you do now.

12 ways to be a dickhead on Facebook this Christmas

FACEBOOK can be irritating at the best of times, but Christmas seems to bring out the worst in people who are already dicks.

Child's Play, and other 18-rated movies you deeply regret watching too young
YOU stupidly thought you could cope with 18 films at 12 years old. Here are the ones you sneakily watched that traumatised you for life.

Arts & Entertainment

Bond and other fictional characters who needed killing off years ago

DANIEL Craig says he was ‘choked up’ by the death of 007, but it would have been kinder to cinemagoers and Bond to kill him off years ago. Here are some characters who should join him.

Six musical acts who laughably tried to sound hard

MUSICIANS can’t be content with writing tunes and feel the need to pretend they’re hard. Here are some of the least convincing.

How to choose which TV series to stream and get it wrong every time

IT’S time to get into a new TV series. Here are five tactics to help you choose that are guaranteed to leave you disappointed.

Five ways the Grange Hill movie will massively let you down

THE Grange Hill movie is guaranteed to ruin your childhood by being a massive let-down. Here’s how it will disappoint.

Tits for no reason: the essential features of every 80s film

EVERYONE loves 80s movies for their neon palette and banging synthesised soundtracks. But rewatching them reveals other key elements which are bizarre...

The unmissable cultural events you'll miss in 2022

A VIBRANT, thrilling programme of theatre, art and contemporary dance events are scheduled for this year. Here’s why you’ll miss them.

Man on super-healthy diet doing incredibly strange shits
A MAN has discovered that going on an extreme diet to improve his health has the side effect of making him produce unbelievably weird shits.

Business

Six inspiring female entrepreneurs to make you feel shit about yourself

THERE is nothing like a woman kicking ass in the business world to make other women feel like failures. Begin the year with these pioneers.

Rumbelows and other shops it's hard to believe existed

ONCE rulers of the high street, it’s now impossible to believe that their unsettling concepts were ever viable businesses. How did they ever survive?

'We will get feedback if we have to take it from your cold, dead fingers' vows online shop

ONLINE shops are beginning a relentless quest for customer feedback that will only end when you have given them five stars or are dead.

Christmas more commercial than kid could have even dreamed

A LITTLE boy has been delighted to realise that Christmas is more of a hollow capitalist scam than he dared to dream possible.

Most important man in the world puts out-of-office response on for afternoon off

THE most important man in recorded history has set an out-of-office auto-response on his email for 1pm until 6pm today.

Shopworker devastated to hear complaining customer taking business elsewhere

A SHOP assistant is distraught to learn a customer will be shopping elsewhere following a minor incident.

Six shows that were toss but had great theme tunes
THE cream of television captivates audiences with good plots and characters. Or there's these, which were total shite apart from their theme tunes.

Work

Twats have booked the next fortnight off

THE worst possible twats who worked over Christmas have booked the next two weeks off, it has emerged.

Boss who doesn't know your name would like to see more commitment from you

A REGIONAL manager who has never bothered to find out your name is offended by your lack of commitment to your job.

The worst websites to be caught browsing by your boss

REMOTE working means unexpected screen sharing and shit, you forgot you’d left that tab open. But which websites are the most shaming?

Man disappointed to find his job still there

A MAN has been disheartened by the discovery that his employment continues to exist and that he is expected to take part in it.

Office dickhead referring to every day this week as 'Twixmas'

A MORONIC office worker is delighting in calling every day between now and New Year 'Twixmas'.

Worker jubilant after IT problem doesn't have blindingly obvious solution

A WOMAN is celebrating avoiding a mortifying IT incident after the shocking discovery her broken computer is not a simple error and her fault.

'I have no son': What to do when your 13-year-old gets into Warhammer
WHEN your son announces that he would like to go to the Warhammer shop, your first instinct is to disown him. And that’s correct. Follow it with these.

Alcohol

Wetherspoons hit by mass orgasm as pint served with crown on the glass

A Wetherspoons has been levelled by a seismic volley of orgasms after a pint was served in a glass with a little crown on it.

We'll be taking our usual second bank holiday today, admits horrendously hungover Scotland

SCOTLAND has once again admitted that it cannot return to work until tomorrow because it overdid it massively at New Year.

Man convinced he was going to get laid on New Year's Eve in bed by 11pm

A MAN sure his New Year's Eve would end in the throes of passionate sex found himself home alone in bed without making it to midnight.

22 shit ways to spend New Year's Eve

THERE are more shit ways to spend New Year’s Eve than there are stars in the sky. Here are just a few of them.

Six creative ways to avoid a Boxing Day hangover

IF you’ve overindulged on Christmas Day, avoiding a hangover on Boxing Day will be a challenge needing a creative solution. Try these:

Mum pissed

MOTHERS across the UK are very, very drunk right now, it has emerged.

Woman in luxurious bath surrounded by candles bored as f**k
A WOMAN who ran herself a luxurious bubble bath to relax in got out after eight minutes because she was utterly bored.