The twat's guide to letting everyone know you're sick of standing in a queue

WANT to make the queue you’re standing in move faster? Here are five tactics that won’t make a blind bit of difference but will make sure everyone else knows you’re a dickhead.

Crisp sandwiches and other meals that aren't anything to be proud of

PEOPLE rave about crisp sandwiches and other stupid food concoctions. If that’s you, here are some to stop wanking on about and eat a normal grown-up meal instead.

Have you considered already being extremely rich? By Rishi Sunak

WITH prices hitting a 40-year high, guest columnist Rishi Sunak asks if you have considered being extremely rich like him.

How to talk about inflation but not mention Brexit

INFLATION rampant? Exports dropping? Sterling completely f**ked? Here’s how to discuss it without mentioning the red, white and blue elephant in the room.

The five stages of getting sucked into a really shit TV show
FROM slagging off your partner for watching it to staying up all night to finish the series, these are the stages of getting stupidly invested in a dreadful telly programme.
Seven topics of conversation you shouldn't get your arsehole colleagues started on

SMALL talk is the office go-to for a reason – it avoids you discovering the extent of your colleagues’ awful personalities. Broach these topics at your own risk.

Not having your own side of the bed, and other unhinged relationship behaviours

RELATIONSHIPS are largely arguments about chores, not having sex and staying together out of habit. But this out-there shit is the province of true freaks.

Preston supporter stresses his hatred of Blackpool is non-homophobic

A PRESTON North End supporter has stressed his enduring hatred of Blackpool FC has nothing to do with its pioneering out gay player.

How to be a f**king annoying passenger on a car journey

NOT content with reclining in the passenger seat while someone else does all the work? Here’s how to be so irritating they drive into a tree.

Grey squirrels voted UK's cutest vermin

THE grey squirrel has topped a poll to find the country's cutest vermin that should be exterminated, closely followed by moles.

How we could ease the cost-of-living crisis but no f**king way will we, by the Tories

THERE are so many things we could do to ease the cost-of-living crisis that we will not go f**king near. Conservative MP Denys Finch Hatton explains.

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Politics

Five humiliating TikTok trends Boris Johnson will jump on for votes

DOWNING Street has set up a TikTok account for the Prime Minister. So which pathetic trends will he be following in an attempt to be popular?

Six laughably pathetic Tory ideas to solve the cost-of-living crisis

THE government could not be less interested in the cost-of-living crisis. But people keep asking about it, so MP Martin Bishop has some ideas.

A boring korma and a San Miguel for Starmer: What politicians' curry orders say about them

IT’S entirely plausible that a dull, play-it-safe type like Keir Starmer would order a chicken korma. Curry aficionado Wayne Hayes explains what politicians’ choices say about them.

Starmer's pretense of principle proves him a duplicitous double-dealer who, wait, I’m f**king lost here, by a right-wing columnist

KEIR Stamer’s latest underhand move proves he is playing petty politics with police lives and hang on, I’m out of my f**king depth here.

Please notice me, by Sir Keir Starmer

NOTICE me. Please notice me. Have you noticed me yet? Do I have to take some kind of principled idiotic stand or something?

A day in the busy life of the Minister for Brexit Opportunities

The first to present me with a gilt-edged Brexit opportunity will in turn be presented with this shiny sovereign. Now, to work!

Six ways to get through three weeks of Jubilee wank
HORSES are parading, M&S biscuits are rebranded, and Nicholas Witchell is clearing his throat. Jubilee hysteria is upon us. Here’s how to make it through.

Society

How out of touch are you on a scale of '0' to 'an MP who says meals cost 30p'?

WORRIED you’re losing touch with real life? Take our quiz and find out if you’re quite grounded or talking shite like Tory MP Lee Anderson. Award yourself points as instructed.

Five people you're going to give a piece of your mind to but never do

BEEN let down? Messed about? Want to give someone an almighty bollocking? Here are five culprits you’re almost brave enough to have a go at.

Public worried about the health of their Jubilee bank holidays

FOLLOWING the Queen’s failure to deliver her annual address to parliament, Britain is concerned for its Jubilee bank holidays.

Your top five character flaws, ranked!

EVER wondered which of your deficiencies as a person really seals the deal?

Crop circles, and other things aliens don't do

INTELLIGENT life may exist elsewhere in the universe. It may even have visited Earth. But it definitely did not do any of this bullshit.

Discovering there wasn't any sex on TV even after the watershed: disappointments kids today will never know

WERE you saddened to discover that telly wasn’t all soft porn after 9pm? You were probably gutted by these other childhood revelations too.

Man who claims he's neither a boob or an arse guy asked what he likes about women then
A MAN who says he is neither a boob man nor an arse man has forced friends to conclude that there must be not be anything he likes about women.

Lifestyle

Six aspects of your porn viewing you'd rather not talk about

IT’S supposedly normal to watch porn now, but you’d still prefer not to have a good old chat about it with your partner. Here are some issues you’d rather didn’t come up.

Jeans with holes in: products Northern dads can't see the bloody point of

ARE you looking to fritter away your hard-earned cash on pointless, defective goods? Then you no doubt buy these stupid products, writes Northern father Bill McKay. 

Seven hobbies that inexplicably haven't caught on with women

STRANGELY, certain hobbies have never developed a female following. Here beer festival regular Martin Bishop lists some of the wonderful activities women are missing out on.

iPods, and other things teens depressingly think are 'vintage'

TEENAGERS are appropriating the things you loved and claiming they’re ‘vintage’ or ‘retro’. And it’s definitely just to make you feel geriatric. Here are their top olden-days picks.

Some f**ker always up an hour earlier than you

NO matter how early you get up some bastard has always been up for a whole hour already, it has been confirmed.

'The garden's a bit wild': six innocuous phrases that will totally shit on your weekend

READY for 48 blissful work-free hours, only for your mood to crash on realising the implications of the seemingly-innocent phrase you’ve just heard?

The beloved TV pets from your childhood who are long dead
REMEMBER the adorable animals who had you pressing your nose to your TV screen as a small child? Wondering where they are now? Get ready for bad news.

Sport

Man's greatest achievements in life were as an imaginary football manager

A MAN has looked back at his life and concluded that all of the achievements he is proudest of came while playing simulations of managing football teams.

Six sports that aren't sports because you play them pissed in the pub

THINK you’re sporty because you once beat your dad at arm-wrestling? No sport you can do after eight pints really counts as a true athletic endeavour.

The Guardian guide to whether supporting your football club is ethical

FOOTBALL fans love nothing more than running their support past the Guardian to check they’re meeting its ethical standards. Where does your club stand?

Child should not be learning martial arts

AN already aggressive child is taking lessons in how to punch and kick people more effectively.

The pleb's guide to dressing up all fancy like a twat for Cheltenham

GOING to the races and want to look fancy when your normal attire is trackie bottoms and trainers? Here’s how to dress for Cheltenham on a budget.

Other football clubs asked to take in Chelsea fans

OTHER Premier League football clubs have been asked to take in displaced Chelsea fans as their team faces ruin.

The five-point guide to deciding if you should have a wank
WAVERING about your commitment to having a hand shandy? Find out if the conditions are opportune with this guide.

Science & Technology

Six essential cybersecurity tips to ignore entirely

YOUR money, your identity and your life are all online, and you’re still using the same password you used on MySpace in 2006. Ignore these tips.

Six statements of corporate bullshit every company feels obliged to make

EVERY business trots out varying amounts of spurious bullshit on their website. But which statements are embraced by all marketing teams trying to convince us they aren't evil?

If only there were some way I could leave Twitter, sigh Twitter obsessives

TWITTER obsessives outraged by Elon Musk’s purchase of it wish there was some way they could quit the hellsite ruining their lives.

14 WhatsApp messages to pretend you haven't seen

WHATSAPP can be useful, but it’s just as likely to turn into the bane of your f**king life. Mainly when people do these things... 

Motorists allowed to watch TV while self-driving cars fight crime

UNDER the new Highway Code, motorists will be allowed to watch TV while self-driving cars fight crime, it has emerged.

Nuclear power plants 'won't make Suffolk any more unliveable'

THE construction of new nuclear power plants in Suffolk will not make the region significantly worse to live in, it has emerged.

Horsey-horsey better than parliament, says Queen
THE Queen has confirmed that, aged 96, she sees more point to watching a load of horses gallop in circles than going to parliament.

Arts & Entertainment

Ukraine to win, Britain nul points: Your guide to the Eurovision popularity contest

EUROVISION is just around the corner, but how will it go down? As predictably as you expect, so like this:

Large swathes of history off-limits to new Doctor Who

TIME traveller Doctor Who has admitted he will not by swinging by America pre-1960s quite so often after he regenerates as a black man.

Grunge and other musical micro-genres best forgotten

SOME categories of music change your life. Then there are these micro-genres which are not worth bothering your ears with.

Man doing week of revision so he can enjoy new Marvel film

A MAN is preparing to see the latest Marvel blockbuster by spending 96 hours rewatching previous films from the franchise.

Seven bloody awful songs you'll love if you're an estate agent

DO you like music that’s bland and mainstream but motivates you to earn more commission? You may well be an estate agent. Here’s your ultimate playlist.

Led Zeppelin II, and other albums your dad's just seen a documentary about

HAS your dad just spent an evening furiously reminiscing about his youth after a music documentary on BBC Four? Prepare for him to drone on about these ‘classics’.

Six things to say about your friend's new boyfriend that aren't 'he's a prick'
YOUR friend has introduced you to the semi-sentient skid mark she claims is her new boyfriend, then asked your opinion. What the f**k do you say?

Business

Smug Bitcoin bastards getting long-overdue comeuppance

SMUG twats who piled all their cash into imaginary numbers money are finding out they are not cleverer than the entire world after all.

Seven brands that arseholes love

IN our capitalist label-obsessed society, some brands attract more tosspots, twats and knobheads than others. Avoid anyone devoted to these.

Coked-up guy ranting about crypto in bar hopes everyone is listening

A DRUNK man, noticeably high on cocaine and bellowing about cryptocurrencies in a central London pub, is hoping people are taking his excellent financial advice. 

So how exactly do tax cuts make the rich work harder? A CEO explains

THE budget supposedly benefits the rich at the expense of the ‘poor’. If you can call them that, they’ve got phones, shoes and running water, haven’t they? Anyway, here I explain why more money motivates wealthy people but not the povs.

If I can become a multi-millionaire anyone can, says businessman vastly underestimating role of luck

A BUSINESSMAN from a humble background who built a fortune from scratch wrongly believes his example proves that anyone can be rich.

Theme parks, cinemas, on trains: how to get maximally ripped off for the most basic of f**king snacks

ARE you paying the absolute maximum possible amount for a Twix, or saving money like a total loser? Spend like a billionaire at these outlets.

UK comes second in Eurovision sympathy vote
BRITAIN came a proud second after Ukraine in Eurovision after being recognised as the next most f**ked country in the competition.

Work

World's first non-toxic workplace discovered

EXPLORERS have discovered the world’s first non-toxic workplace, which until now was believed to be a myth.

Basically, you're f**ked: The changes to National Insurance explained

NOT sure what the changes to National Insurance are all about? Get your head around the basics with this guide.

Dear Donna. How can I deal with my arsehole boss? Nikolai, 3rd Spetsnaz Brigade

MY boss is a complete arsehole, ordering me and my colleagues to do things we're not happy about, such as our current works outing to Ukraine.

Meeting couldn't even have been an email

AN outright pointless Monday meeting did not even contain enough substance to have made it as an email, attendees have confirmed.

'Any plans for the weekend?': Six workplace questions that might be a trap

CONVERSATIONS with colleagues can be fun, or you may start to suspect you’re being quietly interrogated for nefarious purposes. Here are six questions that should set off alarm bells.

'We didn’t throw them in the sea': How P&O cares for its workers

THERE is no greater champion of workers than P&O Ferries, which is why we have championed a new group of workers over our current workers. And there’s more:

Straight man afraid to watch Eurovision
AN INSECURE heterosexual man is too scared to watch Eurovision because it is so camp, it has emerged.

Alcohol

Drinking at lunchtime: The dream versus the reality

ARE you tempted to have a lunchtime drink like some sort of effortlessly cool continental? Here's how reality will shit on your dreams of sophistication.

'May contain prosecco' t-shirts, and other ways Brits pretend their rampant alcoholism is fun

IT’S hard to believe, but we Brits like a few drinks. However the last thing we want to do is take punishing our livers too seriously. Here’s how to keep terrifying levels of alcohol consumption fun.

How to carefully mix your drinks for the ultimate all-day hangover

YOU'RE drinking tonight, but have you planned your alcohol consumption to create a hangover that will take you out for 24 hours? Follow this guide.

How to talk to an incredibly pissed person

YOU'RE out the pub when a pissed-up stranger, who seems to think he knows you, opens a slurred dialogue. Here's how to cope.

Is it your fault that last round cost £36 f**king quid? Take our quiz

THE drinks are in but the twat who paid for them looks f**king livid. Find out if their rage is your fault.

Snakebite, and other favourite cocktails of UK teenagers

FORGET martinis and mojitos, these are the vile concoctions generations of British teenagers have used to get tanked.

We must help those least impacted by the cost of living crisis, pledges Johnson
WITH the poorest struggling to put food on the table, it’s imperative that we slash taxes for the nation’s highest earners, writes Boris Johnson.