Exhausted woman barely has energy to tell you how exhausted she is

A WOMAN claiming to be tired is almost too tired to tell you how tired she is.

Single man has single pan

A SINGLE man who lives by himself owns and does all his cooking with one single pan, it has emerged.

The seven things you used to have that are worth absolutely shitloads now

THAT thing you used to have? Selling for a grand on eBay now. If only you'd kept it, along with all this shit.

20-year-old thinks he's hungover

A MAN who is too young to know what a bad hangover actually feels like thinks he is experiencing one.

Woman on terrible date has fingers crossed she'll be ghosted
A WOMAN on a terrible date with a dickhead is secretly hoping she will be ghosted by him when it is over.
Tolkien character or bullshit middle class baby name? Take our quiz

TOLKIEN characters and middle class babies are both detached from reality and have stupid names. Can you tell your hobbits from your hoi polloi?

Woman unleashes Armageddon by leaving school mums' WhatsApp group

A WOMAN has unleashed Armageddon by removing herself from a WhatsApp group for school mums.

Goth visibly uncomfortable in weekend retail job uniform

A GOTH is clearly not enjoying having to wear a lurid uniform as part of their weekend retail job.

The Hoosiers and other bands that prove the Noughties were a musical wasteland

FROM 2000 to 2010 the UK was completely void of good musical talent. How else do you explain these chart-topping bands?

Queen irritated by people who don't do anything

THE Queen has confessed being really irritated by people who do nothing their whole lives but sit around giving well-meaning speeches.

Every female organism on earth to get divorced after hearing new Adele song

EVERY human woman, female mammal, insect, fish and multi-cellular organism on the planet is to split with its partner after hearing Adele’s new single.

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Politics

Dominic Raab's guide to words people don't understand

WORDS can be difficult, especially if you didn’t go to Cambridge like I did. Here’s my explanation of words people don’t understand, but I do.

Build back bollocks: Six other alliterative slogans the fat prick could have used

A BORED Boris Johnson told Britain to ‘build back beaver’ and ‘build back burger’ for shits and giggles yesterday. What else could the verbose bastard have said?

The Brexiter's guide to admitting you miss cheap migrant labour

DO you secretly regret your former zeal for kicking out all foreigners because you like petrol and ham? Here’s how to admit it without losing face.

Women can avoid attacks by rogue police officers by 'not existing', advises Met Police

THE Metropolitan Police have issued official advice today telling women the best way to avoid attacks by rogue police officers is by simply ceasing to exist.

Fuel crisis normal now

THE government has announced that fuel queues and shortages are now so normal they are no longer worth mentioning.

Petrol shortages, inflation and no deal with America: how to blame it all on Remainers

THE UK is out of fuel and faces a harsh winter and cancelled Christmas – all thanks to bloody Remainers. Here’s how to tell them.

Man shifts from gentle liberal to angry selfish bastard within seconds of getting in the car
A MILD-MANNERED and socially conscious man descends into a bundle of intolerant raving fury the moment he gets in his car.

Society

Southerner returns from North with wild stories of it being 'alright'

A SURREY man has returned from a trip to Manchester with outlandish stories of it being 'alright actually' and 'quite like London'.

Vladimir Putin's demands in return for gas this winter

Britain. Not enough respect I get from you. You want the gas, this winter? You want cosy and warm-warm? This is what I get from you.

Care home workers holding whip-round for MPs on £82,000 a year

CARE home workers, delivery drivers and warehouse operatives are putting their hands in their pockets for MPs on a pitiful £82,000 a year. 

Teenager has devastating realisation she will one day be middle-aged prick

A TEENAGE girl is reeling from the bombshell that she will get old and become an arsehole just like her parents.

Fuel crisis now only affecting southern twats

THE fuel crisis is now only affecting motorists in London and south-east England or as the rest of Britain terms them ‘twats’, retailers have confirmed.

Man scared of group of teenagers who do not even register his existence

A GROWN man is feeling intimidated by a group of teenagers who have not even noticed he is there.

Office try-hard treating Friday like a work day
AN overeager office worker is treating Friday as if it is a normal working day and toiling away accordingly.

Lifestyle

How turning 50 will sneak up on you like a bastard

ARE you worryingly close to the age of 50? Here’s how you’ll suddenly realise you’re really quite old.

Do you still eat chicken? Thick as shit questions vegetarians love to be asked

ASIDE from feeling superior, the best perk of being vegetarian is repeatedly being asked these inane questions...

Which YouTube videos are raising your children for you?

TOO tired or lazy to be a parent? These are the mindless YouTube videos raising your kids for you.

Eating in the street, and other things your mum inexplicably believes are 'common'

DOES your mum strangely think eating food in the street marks you out as incredibly common and lacking in decorum? Here are  some things that will bring out her raging inner snob.

The dull-as-f**k shit you get excited about in your 30s

ONCE you turn 30 you’re boring and only boring things thrill you. These are the punishingly dull things you now find fascinating.

Money can't buy you happiness, says rich f**ker

A MAN with a massive house, a big car and a f**kton of cash has told everyone that money is not the source of all happiness.

'No shortages at my Tesco': The moron's guide to cherry-picking evidence
SUPPLY chain problems continue, but there’s no shortage of morons determined to prove they’re right about it. Here’s how to carefully pick your evidence...

Sport

Taliban to take over Middlesbrough FC

THE rulers of Afghanistan are to buy out Middlesbrough FC for £320 million, the Premier League has confirmed.

British sporting success making us look like dicks, Remainers admit

REMAINERS have admitted that unprecendented British sporting success the first summer after Brexit is not doing their cause any favours.

They both play sport: Reasons why Gavin Williamson confused Marcus Rashford with Maro Itoje

THERE are many reasons the education secretary could have confused Rashford and Itoje, and none of them were because they are both black. It was probably one of these:

Five reasons why Ronaldo's a crap transfer, by supporters of other teams

RONALDO is an absolutely crap transfer for Manchester United who’ve proved what a total desperate mess they are, as fans of other teams explain.

How to bore non-football fans shitless now the season is back

WANT to annoy the hell out of people who don't give two shits that the football season has started again? Try these tactics.

Six football teams exclusively supported by twats

SOME football shirts indicate that you’re a twat from a mile off. If you’re a fan of one of these clubs know that you’re judged by everyone.

Going for a run, and four other ways office pricks spend their lunch break
LOOKING to make everyone else in your office resent you for making them feel like a lazy bastard? Try these lunchtime activities. 

Science & Technology

Father prints out and posts meme

A FATHER has printed out a meme and distributed it by post because he thinks that is how they work.

World crippled by six-hour bullshit outage

THE world’s population has been left struggling to function after a six-hour blockage of the pipes that spew bullshit into their faces 24-7.

Organising all their shit, and other things kids can do on Minecraft but apparently not in real life

YOUR child’s room is a shit tip, but their Minecraft inventory is meticulously organised into elements, ores and enchanted bullshit.

Electric car drivers suffocating on own smugness

DRIVERS of electric vehicles are being asphyxiated by their own toxic smugness during the fuel crisis, it has emerged.

Self-driving Audis programmed to be aggressive tailgating dickheads

AUDI'S driverless cars will be specially programmed to treat other road users just as badly as current Audi drivers.

The five bastard tradespeople who can charge what they like

AT some point we all need an expensive expert to help us. Here are five people who can shaft you, and there's nothing you can do.

Would you be happier in the Blitz? Take our quiz
THINK things were better in the old days? Feel nostalgic for a time you didn’t live through? Find out if you would have been happier living through the Blitz.

Arts & Entertainment

All women to get divorced after listening to Adele single

EVERY married women in the UK has filed for divorce after hearing new Adele song Easy On Me.

Piercing blue eyes, and other romance cliches that sound sexy, but aren't

ROMANCE novels contain descriptions that are good on the page but would be horrifying in real life. Here are six descriptors you don't want to encounter:

Your guide to what the f**k Squid Game is about

HAVEN'T watched Squid Game? Stuck in another sodding conversation about it? Bluff your way through with our guide.

Halsey and other world famous pop stars you've literally never f**king heard of

THE music industry is booming, not that you'd know. Here are the monumentally famous artists passing you by.

Most Haunted and other bullshit TV classics of yesteryear

YVETTE Fielding has claimed on GMTV that the obviously bollocks ghost show Most Haunted was real. Here’s more televisual nonsense you sat through uncritically.

Adele launches combined album and diet plan

ADELE has announced that she is releasing a new album of heartbroken songs with which listeners can shed 30 pounds in just 12 weeks.

Free gifts on comics: Rubbish things you had to have as a kid
AS a child did you think you’d die if you didn’t own certain items of tat? Here are the things you pestered your parents endlessly to get.

Business

Tesco Metro changes slogan to 'because you can't be f***ed doing a big shop'

TESCO Metro has unveiled a new slogan that reflects the half-arsed shopping habits of its customers.

Pandora Papers reveal you're the only dickhead paying tax

THE Pandora Papers have revealed that you are the only person in the entire world paying their fair share of taxes and everyone is laughing at you.

Energy companies facing huge unexpected bills offered prepayment meters

ENERGY firms facing bankruptcy due to soaring bills have been patronisingly advised that a prepayment meter would control their spending.

Five things trains would have to do to win you back

NOBODY'S using trains because they're expensive as f**k and always late. Here's what they'd have to do to be more appealing.

When I find out who's done this to my pubs I'll f**king kill them, says Tim Martin

WETHERSPOONS boss Tim Martin has confirmed that when he finds out who f**ked up his business by taking his beer and chefs away, they are dead.

Turn it into a paintball arena, and other ideas for abandoned high streets

IS your once-bustling high street now a parade of empty shops and broken dreams? Here are five ideas to bring life back to your city centre.

Robert Webb: 'I simply could not cope with the shagging'
ROBERT Webb has admitted he quit Strictly because his heart could not handle the non-stop 24-7 athletic extra-marital sex. 

Work

High-flying career woman just wants to escape her family

A HIGH-FLYING career woman has only climbed the corporate ladder to escape her tedious husband and whining kids.

Woman gearing up to unleash true personality as soon as job probation ends

A MODEL new employee is planning to unleash her true self the second day her probation period is over.

Ten jobs you told your careers officer you wanted to do vs what you're doing now

BACK at school, you told your careers officer what you wanted to do. Two decades later, this is what you’re doing. How did it work out?

Company 'away day' sounding suspiciously like workday

A COMPANY’S itinerary for their team-building day away from the office has all the components of a normal, tedious working day.

The office worker's guide to pissing away your lunch break

THE lunchbreak is an oasis of free time in a dull, unrewarding working day. Waste that precious break like a pro.

Six reasons working from a cafe sucks balls

WORKING from a cafe? Trying to convince yourself it was a good idea? These are the reasons it wasn’t.

Just say 'woke' once a paragraph: A guide to being a Telegraph columnist
WANT a lucrative job churning out opinions for the Daily Telegraph? Follow this tried-and-tested advice for writing pandering, reactionary drivel.

Alcohol

No adverts and free beer a 'f**king great deal', experts confirm

DAILY Mash readers who hate adverts and love getting shitfaced while someone else buys the beers have been offered an incredible deal.

Evil bastard loves telling you how drunk you were last night

A COMPLETE bastard enjoys nothing more than explaining what a wasted dick you were the night before.

What happens to your weekends if you ditch alcohol for a month

QUITTING alcohol for a month will bring huge health benefits, but what about the damage it will do to your weekends? Count the cost here.

Morning 'quiet time', and four other ways of telling if your teacher was hungover 

THERE were times in primary school when your teacher was clearly suffering the after-effects of a rough night - you were just too young to notice these tell-tale tricks.

Light, carefree summer drinking gives way to grim, determined winter drinking

THIS weekend marks the official end of Britain’s relaxed, airy summer drinking and the beginning of a hard winter of grim-faced serious drinking.  

Are you drinking enough red wine in the morning?

DRINKING three glasses of red wine a week is good for your health, according to new research. Functioning alcoholic Donna Sheridan gives her misinterpretation:

The tortuous thought process of deciding whether you support Insulate Britain or not
ONE minute you think they’ve got a point, the next they’re desperately annoying f**kwits blocking your route to Tesco. Do you support Insulate Britain or not?