10 American words you were still ignorant of the meaning of at 40

YOU were on the cusp of middle age before you realised what exactly a ‘semester’ was. These still confuse:

Funfairs only fun if they're rundown deathtraps

FAIRGROUNDS are only worth going to if they look so ramshackle that you are in genuine fear for your life, it has been confirmed.

I'm worried I'll never be able to afford my own second home

THE current cost of living crisis and impending hikes in energy bills are worrying for all of us, but especially people like me who are seeing their humble dreams of owning a second home crumble to dust.

Man judges foreign countries exclusively on cost of a pint

A MAN bases his opinion of every country he visits purely on how cheap it is to buy beer.

Childhood sweethearts bitterly regret not sleeping around more
A COUPLE who met when they were 16 and have been married for 35 years say they both hugely regret not f**king more people.
Six involuntary noises made by the middle-aged

YOU used to have enough energy to get out of bed without giving a weird grunt. Here are some other involuntary noises you make when you reach middle age.

Who says men aren't loyal? 44-year-old's top five celebrity shags the same as when he was 21

A 44-YEAR-OLD man still has the same top five celebrity shag list as when he was a young man, it has emerged

People who say they're happier single lying

PEOPLE who say they feel happier without a relationship are lying to themselves and others, it has been confirmed.

How to be vegan but not a prick

WHILE it’s fine to follow a plant-based diet, it’s less fine to get on everyone’s tits about it. Here’s how to strike that delicate balance.

Spam or a message from your mum? Take our quiz

RECEIVED a near-incomprehensible message suggesting you check out some new online game or health fad? Find out if it’s genuine spam or just a message from your mum. 

Man has nightmare where only person on his side is Nadine Dorries

A MAN has awoken from a horrific nightmare in which he had f**ked up so badly the only person defending him was Nadine Dorries. 

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Politics

Sue Gray's guide to fifteen minutes of political fame

IT’S January 2022, and the name on every Conservative minister desperately stalling for time’s lips is Sue Gray. But what’s it like to be her?

One Starmer beer equals twelve Downing Street parties: the Daily Mail guide to maths

MATHEMATICS is yet another great British instutition captured by hard-left teachers who insist on things ‘adding up’. Here’s how patriots do it.

'Can the Queen sack the prime minister', Googles Queen

HER Majesty the Queen has consulted an internet search engine over whether she can fire Boris Johnson, it has emerged.

The BBC, and seven other things much more popular than Boris Johnson he can kill to win the nation round

BORIS Johnson is to kill the BBC for being more popular with Britain than he is. What else could he destroy to win us round?

You're f**king right you're sorry, says Queen

THE Queen has responded to Downing Street’s apology by commenting ‘f**king right they’re sorry’ but ‘not as sorry as they’re going to be’.

Fill me with your babies, Rishi: Another toe-curling column about Sunak

I’M allegedly an adult woman and a serious journalist, but I think I speak for all the ladies when I say: shag me, sexy Mr Chancellor, and fill me with your little Rishis.

Mourning world may never know what Meat Loaf wouldn't do for love
WITH the passing of US singer Meat Loaf, a mourning public may never discover the meaning behind his cryptic lyrics.

Society

'So's your mum': the 1980s schoolkid's guide to wit

DID you once savage your classmates with your astounding repartee? Then you no doubt used these zingers back in the day.

15 ways in which all other drivers prove themselves to be arseholes

DRIVING would be so much nicer if it wasn’t for all the other total twats on the roads doing these things.

How to summon the energy to be outraged

TOO unsurprised to be properly pissed off by yet another f**king Tory lockdown party? Build your anger stamina with these tips.

A hundred people bringing their own booze and other things the Met Police haven't noticed

POLICE at Downing Street completely failed to spot 100 staffers with eight-packs of Stella in blue plastic bags getting shitfaced in the garden. What else did they miss?

Piranhas, spontaneous combustion and the Bermuda Triangle: how kids thought they'd meet their doom

REMEMBER when you thought you’d die of something cool, and not from a sedentary lifestyle and poor genes? You were convinced these five things would kill you.

Nobody has to go and see any f**ker this weekend

WITH all relatives and friends met and all obligations discharged, the entire UK is not open to seeing any f**ker this weekend.

How stewed should your tea be? Find out your professional Northerner rating
FANCY being a professional Northerner to get attention and respect? There’s a strict Northern code of conduct you must adhere to. See if you can pass our test.

Lifestyle

Astrologer starting to worry it's all bullshit

AN astrologer of 30 years’ standing has begun to wonder if the horoscopes she provides are actually accurate in any way.

Woman in luxurious bath surrounded by candles bored as f**k

A WOMAN who ran herself a luxurious bubble bath to relax in got out after eight minutes because she was utterly bored.

Perving over your neighbours, and other reasons to be a creep with a ring camera

GOT a camera on your doorbell that you claim is for security reasons? Here’s what you really use it for.

Woman buys coat she's too embarrassed to wear

A WOMAN has bought a funky, brightly coloured coat that she is too embarrassed to step outside in.

Pampas grass means swingers: Sex secrets of the suburbs

THE British suburbs may seem a sexless desert of women in gardening kneepads and men washing cars, but they are actually red-hot pits of depravity. These are the signs.

Calling your teacher 'mum': Embarrassing moments you still relive every single week

SOME moments are so embarrassing that the memory of them pops up on shuffle every few days. Here are some low points in your life you'll be made to relive.

What I spent that two million quid on, by Tommy Robinson
BOLLOCKS. I seem to have £2 million in unpaid debts and now people are hassling me for their money. Here are some things I probably shouldn’t have blown the cash on.

Sport

Djokovic to defend title via Zoom

TENNIS star Novak Djokovic is to compete in the Australian Open remotely via Zoom, it has been confirmed.

George Best and other sports stars today's modern, pansy athletes can’t compare to

MONEY and woke rules have ruined modern sports, according to old school fan Roy Hobbs. Here's his take on why today’s athletes can never compare to these gods:

Letting Djokovic stay could ruin our delicate ecosystem of twats, says Australia

ALLOWING Novak Djokovic to stay and compete in the Open could unbalance Australia’s ecosystem of enormous twats, the country has confirmed.

Five sports that don't count as exercise

WANT to do competitive physical activity, but not to break a sweat? These five activities are technically sports but medically aren’t.

Racist can't face getting into cricket

A KEEN and committed racist has admitted that despite Yorkshire’s exemplary record of bigotry he is still not getting into cricket.

Taliban to take over Middlesbrough FC

THE rulers of Afghanistan are to buy out Middlesbrough FC for £320 million, the Premier League has confirmed.

Why moving out of London was the best thing I ever did then the worst and why I regret moving back again
I WAS fed up of the rat race, the dreary commute, living in the armpits of sweaty businessmen on the 7.15 train, the tired cliche of unfriendly strangers rushing by without time to say ‘Hello’.

Science & Technology

Man turns on wife's vibrator then can't turn it off

A MAN has discovered his wife’s vibrator, turned it on to see what it does and is now frantically trying to turn it off.

'My phone is listening to my conversations', thinks woman who Googled that thing a week ago

A WOMAN who constantly feeds her phone personal information is convinced it is eavesdropping on her conversations.

The twat's guide to thinking you're making a difference with a bunch of stupid memes

IS your immediate response to important events to send out a picture with an unfunny caption? Here Martin Bishop explains how he’s changing the world one meme at a time.

Six household objects you'd like to physically fight

PHYSICAL objects are such aggravating bastards that sometimes you just want to punch them into little pieces. Here are six frequent offenders.

Man explaining non-fungible tokens to date still thinks he could score

A MAN who has spent 30 minutes explaining to his date what non-fungible tokens are is somehow under the impression that the evening is going well.

Six totally un-Christmassy things everyone does at Christmas now

BACK in the day you played with Lego, ate leftover turkey and watched Where Eagles Dare. But Christmas has changed irrevocably, and here’s what you do now.

How to learn to live with Wordle
POPULAR online puzzle game Wordle shows no sign of going away any time soon. Here's how to learn how to live with  this population-enslaving time-waster.

Arts & Entertainment

Child's Play, and other 18-rated movies you deeply regret watching too young

YOU stupidly thought you could cope with 18 films at 12 years old. Here are the ones you sneakily watched that traumatised you for life.

Six shows that were toss but had great theme tunes

THE cream of television captivates audiences with good plots and characters. Or there's these, which were total shite apart from their theme tunes.

'I have no son': What to do when your 13-year-old gets into Warhammer

WHEN your son announces that he would like to go to the Warhammer shop, your first instinct is to disown him. And that’s correct. Follow it with these.

Bond and other fictional characters who needed killing off years ago

DANIEL Craig says he was ‘choked up’ by the death of 007, but it would have been kinder to cinemagoers and Bond to kill him off years ago. Here are some characters who should join him.

Six musical acts who laughably tried to sound hard

MUSICIANS can’t be content with writing tunes and feel the need to pretend they’re hard. Here are some of the least convincing.

How to choose which TV series to stream and get it wrong every time

IT’S time to get into a new TV series. Here are five tactics to help you choose that are guaranteed to leave you disappointed.

Eight other quotes you could use to tell Boris Johnson to f**k off
DAVID Davies yesterday quoted Oliver Cromwell to tell Johnson to piss off. Which other quotes, with helpful amendments, might help the dick get the message? 

Business

Six inspiring female entrepreneurs to make you feel shit about yourself

THERE is nothing like a woman kicking ass in the business world to make other women feel like failures. Begin the year with these pioneers.

Rumbelows and other shops it's hard to believe existed

ONCE rulers of the high street, it’s now impossible to believe that their unsettling concepts were ever viable businesses. How did they ever survive?

'We will get feedback if we have to take it from your cold, dead fingers' vows online shop

ONLINE shops are beginning a relentless quest for customer feedback that will only end when you have given them five stars or are dead.

Christmas more commercial than kid could have even dreamed

A LITTLE boy has been delighted to realise that Christmas is more of a hollow capitalist scam than he dared to dream possible.

Most important man in the world puts out-of-office response on for afternoon off

THE most important man in recorded history has set an out-of-office auto-response on his email for 1pm until 6pm today.

Shopworker devastated to hear complaining customer taking business elsewhere

A SHOP assistant is distraught to learn a customer will be shopping elsewhere following a minor incident.

'Getting the popcorn out': Six things idiots online think are original and hilarious
EVER noticed that every online discussion is full of people making the same old tired jokes and observations? Here are some of the most wearisome.

Work

Five f**king delightful emails to find in your inbox on Monday morning

IT’S Monday morning and your inbox is full of treasures. Here are five emails to make you grateful you opened Outlook.

Twats have booked the next fortnight off

THE worst possible twats who worked over Christmas have booked the next two weeks off, it has emerged.

Boss who doesn't know your name would like to see more commitment from you

A REGIONAL manager who has never bothered to find out your name is offended by your lack of commitment to your job.

The worst websites to be caught browsing by your boss

REMOTE working means unexpected screen sharing and shit, you forgot you’d left that tab open. But which websites are the most shaming?

Man disappointed to find his job still there

A MAN has been disheartened by the discovery that his employment continues to exist and that he is expected to take part in it.

Office dickhead referring to every day this week as 'Twixmas'

A MORONIC office worker is delighting in calling every day between now and New Year 'Twixmas'.

Even Tim Martin doesn't like you, and other ways to know you're really up shit creek
BORIS Johnson has found himself in non-stop trouble recently. Here he explains the telltale signs that you might be irretrievably f**ked.

Alcohol

Wetherspoons hit by mass orgasm as pint served with crown on the glass

A Wetherspoons has been levelled by a seismic volley of orgasms after a pint was served in a glass with a little crown on it.

We'll be taking our usual second bank holiday today, admits horrendously hungover Scotland

SCOTLAND has once again admitted that it cannot return to work until tomorrow because it overdid it massively at New Year.

Man convinced he was going to get laid on New Year's Eve in bed by 11pm

A MAN sure his New Year's Eve would end in the throes of passionate sex found himself home alone in bed without making it to midnight.

22 shit ways to spend New Year's Eve

THERE are more shit ways to spend New Year’s Eve than there are stars in the sky. Here are just a few of them.

Six creative ways to avoid a Boxing Day hangover

IF you’ve overindulged on Christmas Day, avoiding a hangover on Boxing Day will be a challenge needing a creative solution. Try these:

Mum pissed

MOTHERS across the UK are very, very drunk right now, it has emerged.

Dear Boris, when I called you a 'lying sack of shit' I may have spoken in haste
AS a loyal Tory MP, I feel I should make it clear that when I referred to you as a ‘lying sack of shit’, a ‘f**king liability’ and a ‘dead man walking’, I was only kidding.