Michael Sheen and five other celebrities who you'd never guess it but are actually Welsh

NOT all celebrities are from America, some of them even come from Wales. Not that you would ever suspect these ones hail from the Land of Song.

Self-proclaimed 'fag hag' has one gay friend

A STRAIGHT woman who likes to call herself a ‘fag hag’ only actually has one gay male friend, it has emerged.

Fearless man risks wank while waiting in for parcel

A COURAGEOUS hero took the plunge and started tugging away while waiting in for his Amazon delivery, it has emerged.

Should you be worried about your partner's opposite-sex friends? Obviously 'yes'
YOUR partner should be able to have opposite-sex friends without you acting like a jealous nutter, right? No - these potential shaggers need to be watched like a hawk. Ask yourself these questions.
Woman has admirably feminist reason for cheating

A WOMAN caught cheating has a respectable, patriarchy-smashing reason for doing so, it has emerged.

Madame Web, and six other films you could improve in moments even though you're thick

SOMETIMES a film is so flawed you think of obvious improvements while looking in the fridge for a snack. Here are some that suggest you should be being paid millions in Hollywood.

Six wankers who always pipe up when the meeting reaches Any Other Business

READY for this tedious, pointless meeting to end, so you can get the f**k out of there? Not so fast, these six arseholes will always have something to add.

Decision to dump boyfriend made by committee

A WOMAN has consulted her female friends and relatives so that they can collectively decide wether or not she should dump her boyfriend.

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Politics

We ask you: with inflation only four per cent, can anything stop a Conservative election landslide?

WITH inflation remaining at four per cent, just double the target, for the second month running have the Tories got the next election in the bag?

How to not know Israel even exists: A guide for Labour party candidates

STANDING for election for Labour? Could you trash your party’s chances by opening your mouth and letting Zionist conspiracy theories flow out? Forget the the country even exists.

Labour drops plans to stand at next general election

THE Labour Party has announced it will not be fielding any candidates at the next general election. 

What to do if your child identifies as Rishi Sunak

IT’S many parents’ worst nightmare - their child announcing they want to become Rishi Sunak. Here psychologist Donna Sheridan explains how to discuss it in a calm and supportive way.

This week in Mash History: Marie Antoinette invents being a dickhead influencer, 1770
THE name of Marie Antoinette, consort of Louis XVI of France, has endured almost entirely because of how fit she was. But did you know she also invented influencing?

Society

Britain enters recession it's been in for ages

BRITAIN has officially entered the recession that it has been in for at least two f**king years, figures have shown.

Valentine's Day makes fatal error of going right up against much better Pancake Day

DEVOURING circles of delicious fried batter will win over romantic declarations of love every time, it has been confirmed.

How to help in a life-threatening situation by filming it on your phone

FIRST aiders and have-a-go heroes often save lives in dangerous situations. But who is filming it for Twitter and TikTok? Here’s how to play an equally vital role with your smartphone.

18-month-old living in Orwellian surveillance state

AN infant has expressed her resentment toward the nightmarish surveillance society she is forced to live in.

Temporary traffic lights opportunity for mindfulness, claim men in hi-viz

HIGHWAYS workers have urged the public to embrace the opportunity for relaxation and centering oneself afforded by their temporary lights.

Man watching The Traitors in underpants 'more than ready to go to war'

A MAN who spent last night watching The Traitors and drinking lager in his underpants is ready for war with Russia ‘tomorrow’, he has claimed.

Rail replacement buses, and other pains in the arse it should be illegal to charge for
‘BECAUSE we value our customers, we are continuing to charge the full price for a service that is far worse than advertised,’ say businesses, and the f**kers get away with it.

Lifestyle

A signet ring on his pinky finger, and other small but certain signs a man is a twat

MET a bloke for the first time and aren’t sure if he's going to turn out to be a dickhead? Look for these visual signifiers.

Fanny, growler, minge: What your choice of word for vaginas says about you

THE English language is second to none when it comes to words for minge. So what is your preferred term for vaginas, and what does it say about you? 

Playing shows at 1.5x speed: the weird ways boomers and Gen Z watch TV

YOUR elderly parents and the youth of today have little in common, except they choose to watch television like f**king maniacs. This is how they get it wrong.

Naked Attraction and TikTok dances: Six things brave conscripts will be fighting for

LIKE their ancestors, today’s potential brave young conscripts will be fighting for what makes Britain great. And that includes these beacons of freedom and democracy.

Leather sofas only owned by parents and perverts

LEATHER sofas are only owned by parents and perverts who need wipe-clean furniture, retailers have confirmed.

All woman's anecdotes about how attractive she is
EVERY single one of a 28-year-old woman’s anecdotes centre on ardent men, jealous women or the sadness of only being appreciated for her stunning looks.

Sport

Newborn in Liverpool shirt fake fan and glory hunter

A TINY baby in a Liverpool top who has barely supported them during the week since his birth has been accused of chasing clout and trophies.

We ask you: how will football's new blue cards unfairly punish your club?

FOOTBALL is considering the introduction of blue cards but has yet to decide how they should work; the FA just really likes the colour. How would you use them?

We ask you: what now for Liverpool after Jurgen Klopp?

CHARISMATIC Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp is leaving the club at the end of the season. What now for the club and the city?

'Just imagine how good he'll be once he's on the lager' say awed darts fans

AMAZED darts fans believe that once 16-year-old darts semi-finalist Luke Littler can drink ten pints his game will take a quantum leap forward.

Everything a snub to Barbie
EVERY award not won, every headline about anything else and every moment spent watching a film that is not Barbie is a calculated snub to Barbie, it has emerged.

Science & Technology

Clock ticking on when shiny new laptop will be used to look at absolute filth

IT is only a matter of hours until a man’s gleaming new laptop will be used to view the most degrading pornography imaginable, he has admitted.

TikTok teenagers to dance to AI songs in lovely sunny dystopia

TEENAGERS are to dance to robot music on a Chinese surveillance app in our lovely sunny dystopian future, it has emerged.

Post-nut clarity lasts for two minutes, scientists confirm

THE mental acuity which men experience after ejaculation lasts for precisely 120 seconds, scientists have confirmed.

Why banning under-16s from using phones and social media would be piss-easy, by the government

YOUNG people always listen to adults and never want things they are told they can’t have. Here Tory MP Miriam Cates explains how she would make them stick to a smartphone ban.

How to set up your account on our foolproof Postmaster Compensation Hub: A guide by Fujitsu

HAVE you been wrongly accused of theft due to clunky Fujitsu technology? Here’s how to claim compensation from our 100 per cent reliable Fujitsu online hub.

MPs under 30 'deeply weird'
ANYONE who enters politics when still in their 20s is strange, disturbed and should be stopped, voters have agreed.

Arts & Entertainment

Spaceman by Babylon Zoo: Songs that taught you a valuable lesson in disappointment

LIFE is disappointing, and it’s good that musicians remind us of this with songs that rapidly descend into shit. Here are some classic let-downs.

A bloke off the telly getting his knob out: the gimmicks keeping theatre alive

BRITONS aren’t natural theatregoers, but promise celebrity penis or make a shit film into a musical and we lap it up.

'What a sad little life, Jane': six TV moments that deserve epic dramatisations

DOES the world really need a dramatisation of Emily Maitlis’s interview with Prince Andrew? When these key TV moments have yet to get big-budget remakes?

Cult leader issues new decree to followers

THE leader of a rabid, fanatical cult last night issued a new decree to her international army of acolytes.

Ladies and Gentleman We Are Floating in Space, and other albums that are unlistenable without drugs

TRIED listening to Spiritualized for the first time in two decades without the aid of copious amounts of weed? Best avoid these other albums too.

Your astrological week ahead for February 17th, with Psychic Bob
“I want to thank you. For the advice you gave me? That flying f**k at that rolling donut was the best sexual experience of my life.”

Business

'Dogs welcome' only refers to middle-class dogs, businesses clarify

BUSINESSES displaying ‘Dogs Welcome!’ signs have clarified that they only mean nice, well-behaved and well-groomed middle-class dogs whose owners spend money.

Pay up or the turds start coming out of the taps, say water companies

WATER companies have told customers they can either pay higher bills or start enjoying excrement coming out of their taps.

Michelle Mone's frozen assets – a guide

£75m of Baroness Mone’s assets have been frozen. These are just a few of them.

The Post Office, and other companies with bullshit slogans that need updating

EVERY big company in the UK has a wanky slogan, even the laughably useless privatised utilities and the downright evil Post Office. Here are some suggestions for updating them.

Paula Vennells to charge exorbitant delivery fee for returning her CBE

FORMER Post Office chief Paula Vennells will charge an eye-watering sum for returning her CBE by post, it has emerged.

Night out with mates disappointingly good in the end
A MAN who had spent all week complaining about a night out he was forced to go on with close friends is deeply annoyed at himself for enjoying it.

Work

What you do for a living versus what your mum tells people you do

YOU’VE got an important and interesting job which your mum can’t get her head round. Here’s what you actually do, compared to what she tells people you do.

The five monotonous stages of Monday morning office chat

ONCE again it is Monday, as if you were not already well aware, and you must run the torturous gamut of post-weekend office chat. It will go like this.

Woman wrongly believes office flirtation will survive moving six desks away

A WOMAN who has been engaged in a long-term flirtation with a colleague mistakenly believes it will continue despite her moving 24 feet away.

Office 'best wishes' card signed by five million people

POLICE are trying to trace the recipient of a card signed by an estimated 5,000,000 workers across the UK.

Conniving office bastards have already stolen the best holiday dates

THREE weeks into 2024 all the best holiday dates have already been booked up by the scheming bastards you work with, it has emerged.

'I didn't know you existed': How to avoid getting your colleagues anything from the shops

YOU need something from the shops, but you’re surrounded by hungry, bored colleagues waiting to put in detailed requests. Here’s how to avoid being their pack mule.

We ask you: can Cat Deeley and Ben Shephard pull This Morning out of a death spiral of depravity?
ONCE Britain’s favourite mid-morning weekday ITV magazine show, This Morning is now better known for corruption, betrayal and queue-jumping. Can new hosts save it?

Alcohol

Five reasons school night hangovers are worse than weekend hangovers

WEEKEND hangovers are bad enough, but they’ve got nothing on ones during the working week. Here’s why you’ll regret getting shitfaced on a school night.

Seven unpleasant truths you'll have to confront in Dry January

DRY January lasts just one month, but the things you learn while not drinking will stay with you forever. Prepare yourself for these grim truths about your existence.

Woman who drinks shitloads of wine surprisingly unknowledgeable about it

A WOMAN who has been drinking at least three bottles of wine a week for decades knows very little about it except that it comes in red, white and pink varieties.

Reasons to do Dry January, ranked from smug superiority to health benefits

DECIDED not to drink for a month? Here are the best reasons to do so, from being insufferably pleased with yourself right down to trivial benefits like living longer.

Woman completes first day of Dry January by being horribly, terminally hungover

A WOMAN has inadvertently got Dry January off to a flying start by being so ill she could not contemplate alcohol.

Shit local pub believes itself worthy of ticket-only New Year's Eve

A CRAPPY little local pub has decided that it costs £10 even to pass through its hallowed doors becase it is New Year’s Eve.

Write a caption and win a Mash mug
CAPTION the above image of Joe Biden and Rishi Sunak, and the funniest wins a Daily Mash mug.