YOU are Kemi Badenoch and the microphones are hot. Can you manage a whole hour without spouting lunatic nonsense?

THERE are fewer than 122 of them left in the Houses of Parliament. Their pet newspapers go unread. Nobody even notices their sex scandals.

ANYONE who knows they are, or suspects they may become, a woman should plan ahead financially to avoid inconveniencing men, Kemi Badenoch has asserted.

WES Streeting has admitted that when touching cloth in Covent Garden he would often call into Lord Alli’s penthouse flat to defecate.

THE awarding of an OBE to a horse that stood and watched cars go past is proof once and for all that Britain is sane and rational.

TO you they were friends and companions. To your parents, they were teachers of the brutal reality of mortality. This is how they died.

WORRIED that sending your kids to private school will be unaffordable with VAT on fees? Simply fake the whole thing - you’ll save a fortune, and it can be as ridiculously posh as you like!

THE perpetual question of whether any random space has hosted some level of sexual activity can always, without fail, be answered in the positive, it has emerged.

THE number of young people going to university could soon be the same as the number of young people who should be going to university, the government has confirmed.

A MAN has bravely told his girlfriend how great her new pixie crop looks while pinching his inner wrist hard to hold back the tears.

A FOOL threw away his 20s predominantly sober while holding down a stable job and adult relationship, it has emerged.

GROUPS of middle-aged cyclists in Lycra are unhappy that motorised two-wheeled travellers in denim and leather are far more feared.

ZOMBIE knives in the news make you feel pathetically cosseted and middle-class. But by tweaking the facts, you too can have the benefits of a rough upbringing.

WHEN you’re achieving as much in life as me and Angela Rayner – for her being deputy Labour leader, for me rearranging bird ornaments – it needs to be documented.

NOBODY seems to want the England job and fans believe anyone could do it better than Gareth Southgate, so should we let this lad Lee Carsley do it?

FOLLOWING the shocking exposure of Jermaine Jenas as neither bland nor sexless enough for The One Show, who will take football’s top presenting job?

THE multi-million pound transfer market is once again ridiculing the pointless allegiances of football fans.

A NEW Premier League season has begun, but which club deserves to win it most and will therefore inevitably triumph?

THE Olympic Games were kidnapped by an abseiling maniac from the Church of Scientology right under the noses of a global audience last night.

THE horrific crash during the women’s cycling at the Paris Olympics yesterday has raised hopes that cycling can now be stopped altogether.

THE price of a good, solid shot of healthy human semen has risen by a full ten pounds to a princely £45 a time.

GOOGLE is wondering if you meant a different search term which requires less effort and more showing of sponsored posts, it has confirmed.

BANNING mobile phones in schools makes sense because why should they have fun? But in these sacred spaces devices should always be allowed.

A BILLIONAIRE has finally achieved his dream of looking down on the entire world’s population while shaking his head condescendingly.

PROSECUTORS in the US are to reopen the Menendez murder case, because it was on streaming. What British cases should be re-examined?

YOU have to admire the audacity with which Noel Gallagher pinches musical ideas, and Oasis reforming is a chance to enjoy these classic acts of theft all over again. Here they are ranked from worst to best.

HAVING a gay following is both inclusive and a shrewd business move for a musical artist. These acts need to work harder to build their homosexual fanbase.

JILLY Cooper’s 80s bestseller Rivals has been turned into a Disney+ romp. But what’s the appeal of her racy world of upper-class intercourse?

A GEN Z woman attending a gig is hoping the artist does not demand she spend too much time looking up from her phone.

WITH Joker: Folie a Deux out soon, prepare for a legion of twats angrily taking offence at even the most reasonable criticism of it. Here’s what to expect from them.

RESIDENTS of a gentrified town are dismayed that the artisan cheese shop they collectively neglected is going out of business.

TENANTS are ungrateful bastards. Always complaining about broken sinks and holes in roofs but no appreciation for the finer points of interior design. Detail is everything.

THE overworked staff of a busy clothes shop have found great comfort in the sympathy of a woman who knows what it is like because she worked in retail once.

MEN are simple creatures who can easily be convinced to do anything. Here’s how to sell them even the most feminine of beverages.

xBRITAIN’S richest plumber and worst Rod Stewart tribute Charlie Mullins is leaving the UK to avoid tax. But what if he tries to return? Here’s how to keep this scourge from our shores.

A BUSINESS is rethinking its morale-boosting strategy of asking staff to bring children to work after a group of teenage girls tore them to shreds.

EXPERTS are disparaging the need to be physically in the office you work in as mere ‘presenteeism’. But what if that’s the only bit you’re good at?

A CONSULTANCY firm is proud of its distinctive workplace culture of drinking too much while employing multiple staff members with the same name.

HI, [INSERT NAME HERE], I came across your LinkedIn profile and thought you would be a great fit to make me look like I’ve got a wealth of candidates. Here’s how I’ll screw you over.

A SWEET, delusional man expects his 40-hour a week job to cover not only rent but utility bills and food, he has admitted.

A NEW range of boutique 12 per cent lagers are the drink of choice for sophisticated urban professionals at upscale dinner parties.

MORNING! Oh God, what did you do? How did unwinding with three bottles of wine lead to this? What is your pickled brain claiming happened and did it?

A MAN who absolutely underdid it on the pints has woken up mortified at the not even slightly embarrassing things he said the night before.

SCIENTISTS in Britain’s capital believe they are only months away from creating an ordinary point of beer which costs more than £15.

SHITFACED way after midnight? Illogically hungry? These are the foods you will stumblingly prepare yourself, ranked from worst to best.