NOT all celebrities are from America, some of them even come from Wales. Not that you would ever suspect these ones hail from the Land of Song.
A STRAIGHT woman who likes to call herself a ‘fag hag’ only actually has one gay male friend, it has emerged.
A COURAGEOUS hero took the plunge and started tugging away while waiting in for his Amazon delivery, it has emerged.
SOMETIMES a film is so flawed you think of obvious improvements while looking in the fridge for a snack. Here are some that suggest you should be being paid millions in Hollywood.
READY for this tedious, pointless meeting to end, so you can get the f**k out of there? Not so fast, these six arseholes will always have something to add.
WITH inflation remaining at four per cent, just double the target, for the second month running have the Tories got the next election in the bag?
STANDING for election for Labour? Could you trash your party’s chances by opening your mouth and letting Zionist conspiracy theories flow out? Forget the the country even exists.
THE Labour Party has announced it will not be fielding any candidates at the next general election.
IT’S many parents’ worst nightmare - their child announcing they want to become Rishi Sunak. Here psychologist Donna Sheridan explains how to discuss it in a calm and supportive way.
BRITAIN has officially entered the recession that it has been in for at least two f**king years, figures have shown.
DEVOURING circles of delicious fried batter will win over romantic declarations of love every time, it has been confirmed.
FIRST aiders and have-a-go heroes often save lives in dangerous situations. But who is filming it for Twitter and TikTok? Here’s how to play an equally vital role with your smartphone.
AN infant has expressed her resentment toward the nightmarish surveillance society she is forced to live in.
HIGHWAYS workers have urged the public to embrace the opportunity for relaxation and centering oneself afforded by their temporary lights.
A MAN who spent last night watching The Traitors and drinking lager in his underpants is ready for war with Russia ‘tomorrow’, he has claimed.
MET a bloke for the first time and aren’t sure if he's going to turn out to be a dickhead? Look for these visual signifiers.
THE English language is second to none when it comes to words for minge. So what is your preferred term for vaginas, and what does it say about you?
YOUR elderly parents and the youth of today have little in common, except they choose to watch television like f**king maniacs. This is how they get it wrong.
LIKE their ancestors, today’s potential brave young conscripts will be fighting for what makes Britain great. And that includes these beacons of freedom and democracy.
A TINY baby in a Liverpool top who has barely supported them during the week since his birth has been accused of chasing clout and trophies.
FOOTBALL is considering the introduction of blue cards but has yet to decide how they should work; the FA just really likes the colour. How would you use them?
CHARISMATIC Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp is leaving the club at the end of the season. What now for the club and the city?
AMAZED darts fans believe that once 16-year-old darts semi-finalist Luke Littler can drink ten pints his game will take a quantum leap forward.
IT is only a matter of hours until a man’s gleaming new laptop will be used to view the most degrading pornography imaginable, he has admitted.
TEENAGERS are to dance to robot music on a Chinese surveillance app in our lovely sunny dystopian future, it has emerged.
THE mental acuity which men experience after ejaculation lasts for precisely 120 seconds, scientists have confirmed.
YOUNG people always listen to adults and never want things they are told they can’t have. Here Tory MP Miriam Cates explains how she would make them stick to a smartphone ban.
HAVE you been wrongly accused of theft due to clunky Fujitsu technology? Here’s how to claim compensation from our 100 per cent reliable Fujitsu online hub.
LIFE is disappointing, and it’s good that musicians remind us of this with songs that rapidly descend into shit. Here are some classic let-downs.
BRITONS aren’t natural theatregoers, but promise celebrity penis or make a shit film into a musical and we lap it up.
DOES the world really need a dramatisation of Emily Maitlis’s interview with Prince Andrew? When these key TV moments have yet to get big-budget remakes?
THE leader of a rabid, fanatical cult last night issued a new decree to her international army of acolytes.
TRIED listening to Spiritualized for the first time in two decades without the aid of copious amounts of weed? Best avoid these other albums too.
BUSINESSES displaying ‘Dogs Welcome!’ signs have clarified that they only mean nice, well-behaved and well-groomed middle-class dogs whose owners spend money.
WATER companies have told customers they can either pay higher bills or start enjoying excrement coming out of their taps.
£75m of Baroness Mone’s assets have been frozen. These are just a few of them.
EVERY big company in the UK has a wanky slogan, even the laughably useless privatised utilities and the downright evil Post Office. Here are some suggestions for updating them.
YOU’VE got an important and interesting job which your mum can’t get her head round. Here’s what you actually do, compared to what she tells people you do.
ONCE again it is Monday, as if you were not already well aware, and you must run the torturous gamut of post-weekend office chat. It will go like this.
A WOMAN who has been engaged in a long-term flirtation with a colleague mistakenly believes it will continue despite her moving 24 feet away.
POLICE are trying to trace the recipient of a card signed by an estimated 5,000,000 workers across the UK.
THREE weeks into 2024 all the best holiday dates have already been booked up by the scheming bastards you work with, it has emerged.
YOU need something from the shops, but you’re surrounded by hungry, bored colleagues waiting to put in detailed requests. Here’s how to avoid being their pack mule.
WEEKEND hangovers are bad enough, but they’ve got nothing on ones during the working week. Here’s why you’ll regret getting shitfaced on a school night.
DRY January lasts just one month, but the things you learn while not drinking will stay with you forever. Prepare yourself for these grim truths about your existence.
A WOMAN who has been drinking at least three bottles of wine a week for decades knows very little about it except that it comes in red, white and pink varieties.
DECIDED not to drink for a month? Here are the best reasons to do so, from being insufferably pleased with yourself right down to trivial benefits like living longer.
A WOMAN has inadvertently got Dry January off to a flying start by being so ill she could not contemplate alcohol.