The 18 most depressing situations to see someone wearing a Santa hat in

A SANTA hat teamed with hi-viz on a worker down the council recycling centre unaccountably fails to lift the spirit. Nor does it on these occasions.

Acceptable son-in-law given official tour of garage

A DAD has given his daughter’s boyfriend his official seal of approval by taking him on a guided tour of the garage.

Man starts moisturising far, far too late

A MIDDLE-AGED man has adopted a new skincare routine, despite being so leathery and grizzled that it is too late to make a difference.

Only two of the busiest weeks left until the most stressful day of the year

THE public has been reminded there are only 14 of the most hellish days left until the most stressful time of the year.

Six of the most annoying Christmas pub twats
PUBS are full of twats at the best of times. But at Christmas they’re filled with a special range of festive idiots, including these.
I watch 18 certificate films and stay up until midnight: The lies you told gullible babysitters

WERE you ever looked after by a babysitter who was barely older than you? Here are all the ways you took advantage of their naivety.

Tiny village somehow supporting seven different hairdressers

A RURAL village is managing to run several hair salons despite having few residents and being located in the arse end of nowhere.

Pissing rain making woman feel all Christmassy

A WOMAN is standing inside looking out at the pissing rain that traditionally envelops Britain in December and feeling a Yuletide glow of warmth.

Classic movie moments your boyfriend talks over with behind-the-scenes trivia

WHEN your boyfriend suggests watching a film, he doesn’t want to engage with the story - he wants to show off his little facts to you. Here are some to get ahead of the game with.

Youth's tan sweat pants and sweatshirt make him look like a teddy bear

A TEEN’S attempts to look hard have been fatally undermined by his decision to wear a full tan sweatsuit that makes him resemble a giant cuddly toy.

Cutting from Magic Money Tree gifted to Rwanda

A SLENDER branch from the Magic Money Tree has been gifted to Rwanda for taking away asylum seekers, it has emerged.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday


If you only knew how racist we really are, sigh right-wing voters

THE right-wing voters the Conservatives are wooing with a 25 per cent cut in legal immigration are shaking their heads at this woeful underestimate of their prejudice.

I dress up as Thatcher and strangle myself until I ejaculate, says Starmer in appeal to middle England

KEIR Starmer has set out to appeal to Home Counties Conservatives by revealing he dresses as Margaret Thatcher and chokes himself to orgasm.

Current Suella Braverman attacks Suella Braverman of Sept 2022-Nov 2023

THE Suella Braverman of Sept 2022-Nov 2023 was ‘a slap in the face’ for voters, Suella Braverman has insisted.

Tories genuinely think you've been blown away

THE Conservative party actually believes that you are overwhelmed by their generosity in yesterday’s budget.

Yeah, it's the National Insurance that's f**king killing us, everyone agrees

BRITAIN has agreed that between inflation, rent, mortgage rates and taxes, National Insurance was definitely the problem in need of urgent attention.

'Sorry I lost the house gambling, here's some flowers from the garage' say Tories

THE Conservative party has apologised for losing the house in a series of ill-advised bets by presenting Britain with a bunch of flowers from the all-night garage.

The Welsh town where every man, woman and child is on Viagra
DEEP in the Welsh valleys, far beyond civilisation’s call, is an unusual town. A town where the erections never droop. For here every man, woman and child is on Viagra.


It's not shoplifting if it's a self-service checkout, woman claims

THEFT does not count as a crime if it involves a self-service checkout, a woman firmly believes.

How to understand today's youth with the Teen-English Dictionary

HAVING remained a mystery for centuries, a new dictionary has translated the various grunts and noises used by teenagers. Start understanding them with these entries.

Big gaudy jewel or cheap boring band: How not to say what you think about a friend's engagement ring

BEING forced to react to an engagement ring? Learn how to bury your honest opinion with this guide.

Snooze button lets man repeat worst part of the day

THE snooze button on a man's phone allows him to repeat the most torturous part of the day again and again, it has emerged.

Man who accidentally used girlfriend's shower gel horrified to find he smells nice

A MAN who unknowingly used his partner's mango and passion fruit shower gel is utterly disgusted at how delightful he smells.

Dads call for insulting birthday cards to be classed as hate speech

FATHERS have called for birthday cards that stereotype them as lazy, useless drunks to be classified as hate speech.

The six times a day to spray yourself with Lynx: A teenage boy explains
NOT sure when you should be putting on deodorant? More often than you are now, says teenage Lynx addict Wayne Hayes.


Christmas tree leaning because it's already pissed

THE reason your tree is lopsided no matter how much you adjust it is because it is already shitfaced, experts have confirmed.

Snowman hanging around to taunt you with how shit it is

A SNOWMAN you made in the back garden is to remain in place after all other snow melts to remind you of what a poor job you did.

Only so much slimming black can do, middle-aged goth confirms

A PORTLY middle-aged goth has confirmed there is a limit to the slimming capabilities of an all-black wardrobe.

Rural neighbours who can't do enough for you a pain in the arse

CITY dwellers who relocated to the countryside for a quieter life find their friendly, helpful village neighbours an absolute pain in the backside.

Sitting backwards on a train will make woman die horribly or something

A WOMAN is unable to sit backwards on a moving train for unspecified yet ominous reasons, it has emerged.

Five futile things twats do when they're stuck in traffic

IN a jam and going nowhere fast? Here are five irrational acts that will have absolutely no f**king effect on your traffic situation.

Seven less-fortunate people to patronise this Christmas if you're middle-class
CHRISTMAS is a time to remember those less middle-class than ourselves. Here Charlotte Phelps suggests some who will rightly be eternally grateful for your one-off generosity.


Winner-stays-on pool champion dies at his post after 30 years of back-to-back victories

STILL longing for a worthy opponent, the undisputed champion of winner-stays-on pool has died at the table after 30 years of victories.

If Terry Venables was so good how come England never won, woman asks mourning boyfriend

A WOMAN consoling her boyfriend over the loss of Terry Venables has asked how come England never won if he was so good.

If City win let's just call the season there, football fans agree

FANS of Premier League clubs have agreed that if Manchester City win today’s match against Liverpool they may as well just call the whole season for them.

'It was worth it for the wild thrill-ride of success we've been on' says Everton fan

AN Everton fan has said the Premier League can deduct ten points but cannot take away the memories of his club's incredible last few years.

Let Saudi Arabia win the f**king World Cup as well if you want, shrugs football

FOOTBALL fans have suggested that, since Saudi Arabia is going to host the World Cup in 2034, why not let the murdering pricks win the f**ker as well.

Shattered nation finding what comfort it can in Manchester United defeat

A COUNTRY beset by horrifying news on every front is trying to wrap itself in the warm glow of Manchester United being beaten three-nil by City.

Rural couple sell country cottage to live dream life of making shitloads of money in city
A COUPLE have given up their life in the country to pursue their dream of earning enormous salaries and living in a tiny property in London. 

Science & Technology

Dad's phone torch on again

A DAD has left his phone torch on again, it has been confirmed.

Man has no passwords left to give

A MAN has admitted he has no passwords left in him after years of using the internet.

'It was closed' and other incredibly helpful online reviews morons leave

CHECKING online reviews is a minefield of idiots, pricks with a vendetta, and people who are incapable of spelling anything longer than two letters. Like these.

Pensioners at computer literacy class all keen to spread bigotry online

ALL attendees at a computer literacy class for the over-70s are learning to use the internet so they can share their prejudices with the world.

Texting with one finger the correct way, scientists confirm 

EXPERTS agree with your mum that jabbing the screen with a single finger is the most effective method of text messaging.

Hipster teen has growing collection of obsolete MP3s 

A TEENAGE boy believes he is  the coolest person in his university halls thanks to his arsenal of outdated digital downloads.

Letting your partner buy your clothes, and other things that make you a pathetic man baby
ARE you a man who allows your partner to buy your underpants for you? Here are the other ways she's accidentally strayed into parenting you.

Arts & Entertainment

Six shows the BBC could cancel and no-one would miss

THE BBC is not allowed to raise the licence fee by £15 because, in Sunak’s Britain, such a sum could break any family. They should cancel this crap instead.

Six bullshit best-of-2023 lists you'll hate yourself for engaging with

FEELING pressured to skim through subjective rankings of things you haven’t bothered to see or hear written by twats with nothing better to do?

Girlfriend fine with Bridgerton sex scenes not okay with MILF porn

A MAN has discovered his partner has terrible double standards about sex scenes that are not part of the popular TV show Bridgerton.

Chronic liar tells friend he will watch TV series they recommended

A DEVIOUS man has yet again told a friend he will watch a TV series they recommended despite having no intention of doing so.

Shit songs you couldn't be arsed to fast-forward on Now That's What I Call Music!

IT’S the 40th anniversary of the Now That’s What I Call Music! compilations. Here are some tracks you’ll never forget, much as you’d like to, because fast-forwarding them was such a pain in the arse.

Seven roles playing arseholes more appropriate for Laurence Fox

LAURENCE Fox has claimed accusations of racism scuppered his chances of being in a Batman film, but maybe he needs to set his sights a little lower. These parts would be ideal.

Guardian reader concerned about Santa's carbon footprint
A GUARDIAN reader is deeply troubled by the environmental impact of Santa’s annual round-the-world trips.


Successful person admits lack of working-class backstory

A SUCCESSFUL entrepreneur has confessed that she neither has a working-class background or is prepared to make one up.

How to escape from a crappy little gift shop selling overpriced shite without buying anything

WANDERED into a curious little shop only to realise it sells nothing worth buying, you’re alone and the proprietor is staring at you? Here’s how to politely free yourself.

Government aiming to end north-south travel by 2025 by renewing Avanti's rail contract

THE government has confirmed that it will make it impossible to travel between the north and south of the UK by totally f**king up the railways.

Failing American candy shop wishes it was money-laundering front

THE proprietor of a struggling American candy business only wishes money-laundering criminal syndicates were interested in his business.

'I am a successful businessman staying in a five-star hotel, and I'm f**king having Coco Pops for breakfast'

WHEN staying alone in a hotel, a man powering through a five-figure deal must seize the opportunity for the breakfast of champions. Coco Pops.

Should you sext someone who just wanted a ham and mushroom pizza? A guide for arseholes

A THIRD of 18 to 34-year-olds have been inappropriately texted by staff at takeaways or delivering parcels. Here’s a handy checklist to read before sending customers a picture of your cock.

48-year-old stops ageing entirely by pursuing women in their 20s
A MAN who would otherwise be quite old has stopped the ageing process in its tracks by only pursuing much younger women.


Boss giving presentation thinks he's doing a f**king TED talk

A MANAGER giving a presentation to 20 bored employees is under the misguided impression he is delivering a dazzling TED talk.

We choose candidates based on their Religious Studies GCSE grade, admit employers

EMPLOYERS have confirmed they only consider giving the top roles to candidates with top grades in their religious studies GCSEs.

Colleague's tits suddenly bigger

A WOMAN who has been absent on medical leave has return to the office with, to her co-workers’ surprise, significantly larger breasts.

Get back in the office or you're fired and fill in your satisfaction survey positively: five contradictory statements from human resources

HUMAN resources want to fully exploit their humans as a resource and for them to be happy about it. These are the contradictory messages you will get this week.

Getting reprimanded politely the worst, employees confirm

BEING told off in a constructive and professional manner by a manager who only wants to help is far worse than a red-faced bollocking, workers have agreed.

Lanyard powerless outside corporate realm

A CORPORATE worker is beginning to realise that her lanyard wields no power in the outside world.

Jenrick leaves Britain for Rwanda
IMMIGRATION minister Robert Jenrick has quit the cabinet and Britain for the ‘earthly paradise’ of Rwanda.


Doncaster celebrates 20 years of wine

DONCASTER is marking the 20th anniversary of wine being introduced to the city’s pubs, shops and supermarkets.

British women best at being pissed

BRITISH women have triumphed against their gutless continental counterparts in the global race to be the best binge-drinkers.  

Hungover woman determined to make everyone suffer for it

A WOMAN who drank two bottles of red wine last night is determined to share her pain with everyone around her, it has emerged.

You've been drinking body shots off strippers WRONG your whole life

EVERYONE likes to slurp up a shot of tequila from a stripper’s belly button, but did you know you’ve been doing it wrong your whole life?

American treated to traditional British Halloween of getting shitfaced in regular clothes

A GUEST from the US is enjoying a British celebration of Halloween without all the sobriety and costumed nonsense he’s used to.

London Zoo, British Museum: Six places where it's inappropriate, but possible, to get drunk

GETTING pissed in the pub is beginner shit. Advanced drinkers should head to these places where it's weird to get half-cut, but still possible.

Seven celebrities who'd be f**ked if it wasn't for Christmas
WHETHER it’s collecting the royalties from 40-year-old hits or knocking out children’s books now they’re not on TV, some celebs would be stuffed without Christmas. Like these…