THE standards of heterosexual men when choosing a partner are much lower than previously feared, scientists have confirmed.
A COUPLE cannot tell if the pleasure of a friend's company outweighs the hassle of accommodating his allergies.
UNRELIABLE flakes are masters of dodging the blame for their terrible timekeeping. Don't let them get away with these excuses.
A SINGLE woman in her mid-30s with no kids cannot tell if she is winning at life or a complete and utter loser.
A FATHER and son tossing a ball back and forth are the most basic bitches in the park, onlookers have agreed.
KIDS are weird, and the crap they play with is equally f**ked up. Take these five unhinged toys.
THE return of imperial measurements is just the start of our glorious post-Brexit bonuses. Here’s what else we can look forward to.
CONSERVATIVE backbenchers who backed tax rises for social care are against cutting Universal Credit by £20 and what the f**k?
THE government has once again reneged on the manifesto that swept it into power, like it always does. Practised Tory voter Wayne Hayes explains how to handle it.
MARGARET Thatcher is rising from her grave in horror at Boris Johnson’s social care tax rises, senior Conservatives believe.
BORIS Johnson has admitted that all of the £350m a week he promised to the NHS when we left the EU has gone straight into his pocket.
THE Conservative party is in mutiny at the prospect of action being taken against one of the chronic, long-term problems the country faces.
A GEN Z 17-year-old is blown away that a woman in her late 30s is not utterly decrepit.
THE Queen is the wokest, most politically correct person in the entire British Isles, it has emerged.
SOME advertising slogans were amusing the first time you heard them. But the humour soon wore off after years of bellends grimly parroting them. Groan once more at these:
IN an odd move, the Winston Churchill Memorial Trust has dropped his first name because of his unacceptable views on race. But was he the greatest racist of his era? We investigate:
AS debate rages about who should pay for vital services, what better time to revisit Aesop’s classic fable about insect workers and freeloaders?
A CUDDLY, playful kitten is already displaying the character traits of the savage, vengeful bastard it will be as an adult, his new owner has reported.
TALKING about the meaning of life? You must be stoned. Here are the other meandering chats you have when you're high as balls.
SOCIETY expects women to look a certain way, but blokes have beauty standards to live up to as well, such as these bare minimum requirements:
FOR KIDS, birthdays are an exciting occasion of cakes and presents. But once you’re an adult they’re nothing more than a new high number to celebrate in these dull ways.
WITH the weather starting to turn as autumn arrives, all British gardens are now clogged up with pointless summer shit.
MOTHERS hold families together, but even they have secret terrors that stalk their very nightmares. These things scare them shitless.
REMAINERS have admitted that unprecendented British sporting success the first summer after Brexit is not doing their cause any favours.
THERE are many reasons the education secretary could have confused Rashford and Itoje, and none of them were because they are both black. It was probably one of these:
RONALDO is an absolutely crap transfer for Manchester United who’ve proved what a total desperate mess they are, as fans of other teams explain.
WANT to annoy the hell out of people who don't give two shits that the football season has started again? Try these tactics.
SOME football shirts indicate that you’re a twat from a mile off. If you’re a fan of one of these clubs know that you’re judged by everyone.
THE UK has proudly proclaimed that its Olympic heroes mean it is a major world power, while ignoring empty supermarket shelves.
AUDI'S driverless cars will be specially programmed to treat other road users just as badly as current Audi drivers.
AT some point we all need an expensive expert to help us. Here are five people who can shaft you, and there's nothing you can do.
YOU'VE officially passed your driving test and you’re allowed to be in a car on your own. But can you actually drive? Time to find out.
HAVE you just spaffed an hour of your life up the wall reading bigoted comments from illiterate strangers online? Here’s how to cope.
AMAZON boss Jeff Bezos is blasting into space, and there’s surely no reason to be suspicious about what the f**k he’ll do while he’s there. But why is he going?
DISCUSSING films? Brace yourself for shit impressions of these memorable lines.
A 41-YEAR-OLD man has cheerfully resigned himself to an entire life of only enjoying the music of Oasis.
DJs are so grateful when inexperienced strangers tell them how to do their job. Become their favourite person with these suggestions.
THE Netflix button that allows viewers to skip short intros was once again cruelly overlooked at last night's National Television Awards.
REGRETTING agreeing to sit down and watch a film tonight? Here's how to make sure you don't get past the first five minutes.
YOUR first encounter with great literature is always to be treasured, unless you were forced to read it by a twat teacher for an English Lit GCSE you failed.
NOBODY'S using trains because they're expensive as f**k and always late. Here's what they'd have to do to be more appealing.
WETHERSPOONS boss Tim Martin has confirmed that when he finds out who f**ked up his business by taking his beer and chefs away, they are dead.
IS your once-bustling high street now a parade of empty shops and broken dreams? Here are five ideas to bring life back to your city centre.
A WORLDWIDE pandemic paired with a global recession is no match for heroic rising British property prices, it has emerged.
VISITING a chi-chi little town? Here are six absurdly niche shops you’ll find there and only there.
AN absolute twat of a boss has rewarded an employee who finished their assignments in good time with yet more f**king work.
OFFICES across Britain are trying to tempt employees to stop working from home by allowing them to go completely bottomless.
A MAN has agreed with the eighth colleague he has held a lengthy conversation about office working with that it is so much more efficient.
THERE’S a meeting in your diary for this morning, but what kind of hell should you expect and should you even hope to survive?
WANT a glimpse of humanity at its most deplorable? Polish your CV and apply to one of these jobs.
THIS weekend marks the official end of Britain’s relaxed, airy summer drinking and the beginning of a hard winter of grim-faced serious drinking.
DRINKING three glasses of red wine a week is good for your health, according to new research. Functioning alcoholic Donna Sheridan gives her misinterpretation:
A PISS-TAKING bastard of a mate will always order a large glass of white wine when it is your turn to get a round in, he has confirmed.
POPPING the local for one? Prepared to overhear the most appallingly lunatic conversations ever?
SOME hangovers don't fade away by the end of Lorraine, or lunchtime, or even early evening. Here's how they progress:
FROM Special Brew to snakebite, you drank some truly awful shit just to get drunk as fast as possible in the 90s. Here are the dated drinks that will make you heave now.