DESPERATE to go up a social class or two? Choke down this disgusting food to fit in with all the other 'posh' people.
WONDERING why you are not turning the heads of the opposite sex? You're probably afflicted with these physical traits.
WANT to help save water during the drought? Follow the advice and sacrifices of selfish moron Roy Hobbs.
THEY f**k you up, your mum and dad. Philip Larkin said they don't mean to, but you've got your doubts. Here are five traumas they inflicted which they still classify as 'character building'.
DO you pretend to have a different home life when people visit? Here are five things that are at odds with the squalid truth.
WANT to keep the family busy in this sweltering heat? Try these activities which are an annual lesson in misery.
A STUNNING woman with the face and physique of a supermodel took to Twitter to tell the world she resembles a ‘horrible ugly little toad’.
THERE are thousands of tiny villages across our green and pleasant land, each with their own weird shit going on, Here are five things that only happen there:
A EUROVISION Song Contest hosted in Brexit Britain is bound to be an anti-EU disaster. Here are the many ways it will go wrong.
BRITONS are finding it impossible to sign up with an NHS dentist. That’ll teach you to do better at school and go private, says health minister Steve Barclay. Here’s his dental advice.
DESPITE being a chaotic nightmare while in office, Boris Johnson has taken steps to aid his successor. Here are his handover notes in full.
HOOTS, I’ve caused a stir by saying we should ignore Nicola Sturgeon and Scotchish independence. Here’s what I learned during a government fact-finding trip to this strange, backward little province.
LIZ Truss is posing for a photoshoot in England kit with a football under one arm as we f**king speak, Britain has realised.
LIZ Truss has been accused of distorting accounts of her Northern childhood. Here the surely-this-is-a-joke leadership candidate recounts her impoverished upbringing.
DOCTORS are increasingly worried about a woman who has lost the power of speech due to years of expressing herself only in inane, unfunny internet memes.
FROM being born to turning 40, life is littered with horrible experiences. Here are six you'll be glad you only have to suffer once.
THE death of a family hamster is tragic for kids but boring for everyone else. Dad Roy Hobbs explains the seven tedious stages of their grief.
A WOMAN wearing a leopard print top on a night out is guaranteed to get more drunk than any of her friends, it has been confirmed.
THE cost of living has skyrocketed, and many people need urgent government help. But is there any chance that your own shopping costing double is down to… you?
RISHI Sunak has promised to clamp down on those who ‘vilify’ the fascist regime, sorry, ‘Britain’. So are you a treacherous vilifier or just a bit of a moaner? Read our checklist and be sure where you stand.
IF you’re trying to buy a plain t-shirt from the shops these days, you’re f**ked. Here’s the type of bizarre nonsense that seems to be emblazoned across all of them:
LOOKING for a budget holiday this year? Here are five places you hypothetically could fly to on the cheap, but f**k knows why you’d want to.
THE economy is once again hurtling towards recession, so how will having f**k all cash impact on your spending habits? Find out with our guide.
DO you think an Englishman’s home is his castle? If so you may well be a wanker who adds stupid, self-important accessories to your dwelling. Like these.
YOU’VE got an enviable lifestyle, but are you rubbing other people’s noses in it enough? Forget Porsches and designer clothes, the real status symbols are these bourgeois kitchen accessories.
THINK you’re about to embark on a delightful holiday with your lovely family? You aren’t. Here are six ways your kids will f**k it up.
MEN who scoff at star signs believe they can know a person's entire character and future life-trajectory based on what football team they support.
PUBS are the perfect place to watch the Premier League on a big screen and make lunch unendurable for innocent bystanders. Football fan Wayne Hayes explains how.
NEED to learn about the Premier League so you can fit in with the real men? Fake your knowledge ahead of the new season with this guide.
THE Lionesses’ victory has inspired women, but only up to a point. Follow our checklist to ascertain your level of inspiration-linked activity.
THE Lionesses have left the Euro 22 trophy in one of a possible sixteen nightclub toilets, they have confirmed.
THEY harvest your data, sell it on and use your every click to advertise you stuff, all perfectly targeted. Until you f**k with them.
THINKING of sending naked pictures of yourself to someone you barely know online? Ask yourself these questions before doing this very obviously stupid thing.
CATFISHING – being defrauded online by someone pretending to be something they are absolutely not – isn’t for everyone. Are you thick enough to fall for it?
A MAN was sent into a spiral of shame and self-loathing after being confronted by his own recommended videos on YouTube.
ARE you a Silicon Valley zealot reshaping the world in your inhuman image? Include all these in your 3.0 version build:
THE reliability of your home’s internet connection can be improved through good deeds and pure thoughts, senior UK church members said today.
HORROR films are designed to scare, but nothing is more terrifying than these dumb, clichéd lines they insist on using.
WITH Warner Bros canning its upcoming Batgirl film amid rumours that it’s incredibly bad, perhaps it’s time Hollywood stopped shitting out the same old franchises? Just a thought.
THE battle between Sunak and Truss is frequently compared to 2004 movie Alien vs Predator, and is just as shit.
WANT to make the first dance at your wedding something people will remember forever? Play one of these inappropriate songs.
BRUCE Springsteen has been criticised for tickets being on sale for $4,000. But at least people want to see him. Here are some artists you wouldn’t watch even if the transaction worked the other way round.
YOUR holiday? We’re having that. Your new kitchen? That’s ours now. Your second car? Give it the f**k here. We are BP, and we’ve having all your shit.
THE poundshop may soon be a thing of the past, as few items still cost £1. Britons are predictably upset, but the truth is they were always bollocks. Here’s why.
HORSES are parading, M&S biscuits are rebranded, and Nicholas Witchell is clearing his throat. Jubilee hysteria is upon us. Here’s how to make it through.
SMUG twats who piled all their cash into imaginary numbers money are finding out they are not cleverer than the entire world after all.
IN our capitalist label-obsessed society, some brands attract more tosspots, twats and knobheads than others. Avoid anyone devoted to these.
A DRUNK man, noticeably high on cocaine and bellowing about cryptocurrencies in a central London pub, is hoping people are taking his excellent financial advice.
WORK in an office? Surrounded by wankers desperate to make themselves sound important? Then you’ll be sick of these irritating terms:
HOMEWORKERS with children begin six weeks of an endlessly harried logistical f**king nightmare today, they have confirmed.
A CHRONIC labour shortage hasn’t stopped the audacity of prospective employers. Here’s what they now demand.
IS everyone else on the video call younger and cooler than you? Did they not get your ‘computer says no’ gag? Hide your true age with these tips.
YOU care so much about your employees, you even call them at home at weekends. A management expert explains how to make your business your family.
SOME drinks take parties to a new level but are tragic when knocked back alone. Avoid quaffing these during solo sessions.
A GOOD few spritzers at a garden party are harmless, right? You may revise that opinion after having a violent drunken row or blacking out and pissing your shorts. Here are some summer drinks to be wary of.
ALCOHOL makes most of life’s problems easier, but it’s not a miracle cure. Here are five challenging situations it will not help you navigate effortlessly.
ALCOHOL makes you better-looking and more interesting - that’s just a scientific fact. Yet somehow women don’t always fall into bed with you after nine pints. Here’s what to avoid.
WORKING in Britain? Then a ‘swift half’ will be suggested at around noon. What does this really mean, and what will happen next?
LOOKING to get drinks at your busy local, and also a wanker? Follow these tips and you’ll have an irate member of staff pulling your pint in no time.