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    the dailymash

    Thursday, 15th April 2021
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    Why I should be the centre of attention at a funeral, by Prince Andrew

    ONLY a self-centred idiot would make a funeral all about them. Here Prince Andrew explains why he should be the centre of attention as the nation mourns.

    Kicking a football back, and five other challenges to your masculinity

    BEING a bloke comes with a hideous array of unreasonable expectations. Consider yourself a failure as a man if you fall foul of any of the following:

    Horrified woman forgets to tell social media she’s had her Covid jab

    A WOMAN who has just joined 25 million Britons in having her Covid vaccine is mortified she forgot to share her special news on social media.

    Do spelling and grammar matter? A debate by two twats

    SOME UK universities have relaxed their standards on spelling and grammar. Here pompous old git Norman Steele debates the issue with young, trendy wanker Josh Hudson.

    My busy day, by a scumbag internet troll

    HAVE you ever wondered what sort of twat has the time and inclination to abuse strangers online all day? Here leading troll Martin Bishop explains his craft.

    How to blame a teacher for your child being a horrible little shit

    HAVE you inadvertently brought your child up to be a total nightmare? Here’s how to absolve yourself from blame by saying it’s all the fault of their teacher.

  • ‘With regards to yourself’ and other annoying ways people speak

    LEARN to speak proper and not get on other people’s nerves by avoiding these five common mistakes:

    Seven jobs you’ve been putting off for three years that would take five minutes

    WHY is it that some perfectly easy tasks are impossible to do? No one knows, but here are the piss-easy things you cannot get around to doing.

    It’s great to be back to normal, says man downing six pints on a Wednesday morning

    A MAN keeps saying how great it is that things are back to normal, as if getting shitfaced in a freezing cold pub garden in the morning was something he used to do often.

    Andy McNab’s SAS guide to lunch hour drinking

    LIKE an SAS operation, lunch hour drinking requires you to go in fast, get the job done and get the hell out of there after an hour. Here Andy McNab advises how to do it.

    Five embarrassing ways to stay young at heart

    GETTING older but not happy about it? Here’s how to maintain the facade of youthfulness even if it means being a bit of a twat.

    ‘Doesn’t suffer fools gladly’, and other ways to describe unreasonable bastards

    SHOULD we really describe people as ‘not suffering fools gladly’ when in fact they’re just opinionated gobshites? Here are some weird euphemisms for unreasonable folk.

    How to have an arse-clenchingly awkward family reunion, by William and Harry

    FALLEN out? Want the next family get-together to be sphincter-tighteningly awkward for everyone? Princes William and Harry explain how.

    Has your ongoing feud with an old school rival f**ked up the country?

    DID you have a rival at school? Have you continued your competition into adulthood? Has it effectively destroyed a country?

    36 heroic Englishmen die of exposure in beer gardens

    DOZENS of brave Britons have perished in noble and gallant service to their country by getting hammered in beer gardens.

    How we made… six f**king terrible songs

    DO you love those articles explaining how iconic tracks of the past were put together? Here musical artists recall how they made the hits you f**king hate.

    Want go Primark and pub-pub, by a grown British adult

    LOCKDOWN stupid. Want go Homebase and get big plant pots and go pub with Pete, Gavin and Steve. Covid is silly and stupid and I hate it.

    Which politicians would actually be a laugh down the pub?

    FROM Farage to Johnson, British politics is awash with awful men whose popularity is based on the spurious notion they would be good company over a pint. But would they?

    Man returns to gym to flex his smugness

    A SMUG bellend is already back in the gym to give his rippling vanity a workout, he has confirmed.

    Ready salted crisps: what’s the f**king point?

    CRISPS are the best British foodstuff, but is there really any f**king point whatsoever to ready salted ones?

    NEXT >
    • Features

      • Five weekend activities that say 'this relationship is dead'
      • Boris Johnson's guide to 'levelling up' your life
      • The social media ars*hole's guide to being right
      • Four IKEA products in urgent need of a Brexit makeover
      • Six fun things to do with your Brexit 50p
      • 'It sounds completely insane, but I genuinely like my kids'
      • This year’s top five bullsh*t food trends
      • How to go easy on people who wear hats
    • Arts & Entertainment

      • How we made... six f**king terrible songs
      • Nation in mourning has definitely not been watching Netflix
      • Five horror films that are laughable now
      • Six reasons why we must never 'find the new Oasis'
      • Six popular song lyrics that are batshit crazy in retrospect
      • TV shows they wouldn't make nowadays, according to a gammon
      • Whether to watch Finding Dory for the 67th time - a child discusses the pros and cons
      • The Mr Men books 21st century Britain desperately needs
    • Business

      • UK's remaining high street shop to reopen
      • Five deeply unfunny April Fools' day jokes brands will make
      • Ronald McDonald and four other creepy as shit mascots
      • A single Pritt Stick, and other things delivery drivers have risked their lives to bring you
      • How to lose money in just 30 minutes
    • Environment

      • Snow falling across North as per bloody usual
      • Seven alternatives for when you forget your dog poo bags
      • How to disconnect from nature post-lockdown
      • Twats out and about, and the other signs spring has sprung
      • Beautiful dusting of white snow the last thing we f**king need
    • Most Popular

    • Freshers working hard on ridiculous personas

      TEENAGERS about to start university are developing absurd new personalities in an attempt to seem interesting.

    • Man who can't stop talking boll*cks clearly ideal for Brexit negotiations

      BORIS Johnson’s incessant flow of bullsh*t is perfect for Brexit negotiations, it has been claimed.

    • 'Predator' to win all film awards for 30th consecutive year

      PREDATOR is set to continue its unbroken run of winning every film prize since 1988.

    • Berlin to send back thousands of British hipsters

      BERLIN will return thousands of hipsters when Britain fully departs the EU, it has emerged.

    • No, really, what's the plan, though? May asked

      THERESA May has been told that yesterday's speech was great fun but she now needs to announce the real Brexit plan.

    • Unstable friend now somehow a counsellor

      A WOMAN with a chaotic personal life and a history of believing in total nonsense is now being paid to give people advice, shocked friends have revealed.

    • Agony Aunt: Dear Boris, Under no circumstances should you call someone a 'fannybadger'

      Dear Holly, Can you help me come up with an insult that is more accessible to the ignorant underclasses? Yours, Boris

    • Ask Holly: We're going to put on a massive concert to end Nigel Farage - Do you think we can pull it off?

      If Brexit happens the British people will no longer have access to Nutella or Toblerone or Ferrero Rocher, which would be nothing short of a CATASTROPHE.

    • Dear Holly: Do you think I've got that Lyme disease or something?

      “After about nine months there is an intense searing pain in my crotch and, weirdly, I hear a baby crying.”

    • Dear Holly: "I've basically been fannying about"

      I’m in the shit. I need an excuse, and quick, can you help? Yours, Sir John Chilcot

    • Ask Holly: How can I ensure my retorts are always witty in future?

      Dear Holly,
      The other day I got involved in an exchange of  words with a taxi driver and only later did I think of something funny  to say, but by then it was too late.

    • Health

      • Man returns to gym to flex his smugness
      • Do you give a shit what f**king vaccine you get? Take our quiz
      • Want to feel old? Here's what you look like now
      • We’ll all have a great 2021, and the other dumbshit things you believed this time last year
    • Society

      • 'Doesn't suffer fools gladly', and other ways to describe unreasonable bastards
      • Want go Primark and pub-pub, by a grown British adult
      • Shoddy parking, and other reasons your dad wants to bring back hanging
      • Five memes that need to die a slow, painful death
    • Politics

      • Has your ongoing feud with an old school rival f**ked up the country?
      • How I'd easily sort out Northern Ireland, by a Brexiter
      • Six other things that aren't a problem according to a government report
      • How I got f**ked over by Boris for four years, by a Brexiter
    • Celebrity

      • How to have an arse-clenchingly awkward family reunion, by William and Harry
      • Five places to hide if you're not that into the Royal family
      • Prince Philip: A life spent not giving a bugger what you think
      • 'You f**king calling me a liar?' says Archbishop of Canterbury
    • Sport

      • The sure-fire losers to back in the Grand National
      • Middle class football fan prefers it without those dreadful crowds
      • Six Nations fans forced to piss in pint glasses over Zoom
      • Football club that's 'more than just a football club' just a football club
    • Science & Technology

      • Six very obvious problems with believing in UFOs
      • Six things to not understand about Bitcoin
      • Key in front door substantially increases the need to have a piss
      • Five people you wish you hadn't looked up on Facebook
    • Most Popular

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