Why I should be the centre of attention at a funeral, by Prince Andrew
ONLY a self-centred idiot would make a funeral all about them. Here Prince Andrew explains why he should be the centre of attention as the nation mourns.
Kicking a football back, and five other challenges to your masculinity
BEING a bloke comes with a hideous array of unreasonable expectations. Consider yourself a failure as a man if you fall foul of any of the following:
Horrified woman forgets to tell social media she’s had her Covid jab
A WOMAN who has just joined 25 million Britons in having her Covid vaccine is mortified she forgot to share her special news on social media.
Do spelling and grammar matter? A debate by two twats
SOME UK universities have relaxed their standards on spelling and grammar. Here pompous old git Norman Steele debates the issue with young, trendy wanker Josh Hudson.
My busy day, by a scumbag internet troll
HAVE you ever wondered what sort of twat has the time and inclination to abuse strangers online all day? Here leading troll Martin Bishop explains his craft.
How to blame a teacher for your child being a horrible little shit
HAVE you inadvertently brought your child up to be a total nightmare? Here’s how to absolve yourself from blame by saying it’s all the fault of their teacher.
‘With regards to yourself’ and other annoying ways people speak
LEARN to speak proper and not get on other people’s nerves by avoiding these five common mistakes:
Seven jobs you’ve been putting off for three years that would take five minutes
WHY is it that some perfectly easy tasks are impossible to do? No one knows, but here are the piss-easy things you cannot get around to doing.
It’s great to be back to normal, says man downing six pints on a Wednesday morning
A MAN keeps saying how great it is that things are back to normal, as if getting shitfaced in a freezing cold pub garden in the morning was something he used to do often.
Andy McNab’s SAS guide to lunch hour drinking
LIKE an SAS operation, lunch hour drinking requires you to go in fast, get the job done and get the hell out of there after an hour. Here Andy McNab advises how to do it.
Five embarrassing ways to stay young at heart
GETTING older but not happy about it? Here’s how to maintain the facade of youthfulness even if it means being a bit of a twat.
‘Doesn’t suffer fools gladly’, and other ways to describe unreasonable bastards
SHOULD we really describe people as ‘not suffering fools gladly’ when in fact they’re just opinionated gobshites? Here are some weird euphemisms for unreasonable folk.
How to have an arse-clenchingly awkward family reunion, by William and Harry
FALLEN out? Want the next family get-together to be sphincter-tighteningly awkward for everyone? Princes William and Harry explain how.
Has your ongoing feud with an old school rival f**ked up the country?
DID you have a rival at school? Have you continued your competition into adulthood? Has it effectively destroyed a country?
36 heroic Englishmen die of exposure in beer gardens
DOZENS of brave Britons have perished in noble and gallant service to their country by getting hammered in beer gardens.
How we made… six f**king terrible songs
DO you love those articles explaining how iconic tracks of the past were put together? Here musical artists recall how they made the hits you f**king hate.
Want go Primark and pub-pub, by a grown British adult
LOCKDOWN stupid. Want go Homebase and get big plant pots and go pub with Pete, Gavin and Steve. Covid is silly and stupid and I hate it.
Which politicians would actually be a laugh down the pub?
FROM Farage to Johnson, British politics is awash with awful men whose popularity is based on the spurious notion they would be good company over a pint. But would they?
Man returns to gym to flex his smugness
A SMUG bellend is already back in the gym to give his rippling vanity a workout, he has confirmed.
Ready salted crisps: what’s the f**king point?
CRISPS are the best British foodstuff, but is there really any f**king point whatsoever to ready salted ones?
