The hater’s guide to London
DO you fucking hate London for various bizarre and uninformed reasons? Here’s what those la-di-da shitponces are really like.
Self-employed make annual choice between tax return and faking own death
BRITAIN’S self-employed workers are facing the annual choice of completing a tax return or concocting an elaborate scam to fake their own death.
Philip asks Queen to take the points for him
PRINCE Philip has been trying to get his wife take the points for him, it has emerged.
If anyone else acted like that I’d just call them a dick, admits mother of small child
A WOMAN whose toddler threw his breakfast at the cat is struggling to tell him off in a constructive way.
Second referendum to ask ‘Do you want everything to be brilliant?’
A SECOND referendum will ask voters if they want everything to be brilliant from now on or if they are against that.
Man thinks everyone is genuinely interested in how much water he drinks
A MAN is convinced his newfound commitment to drinking lots of water is genuinely interesting to other people.
‘I’ll do whatever the f**k I want’, says 97-year-old who can do whatever the f**k he wants
A 97-YEAR-OLD who can do whatever he fucking feels like has confirmed his intention to do exactly that.
Teddy bears have left children unprepared for actual bears, say experts
CUDDLY toy bears are giving children dangerous misapprehensions about how to approach actual bears, experts believe.
Have you joined a UFO death cult or have you joined the Lib Dems? Take the test…
Who is your leader? A. An ancient, reincarnated demi-God who will lead us to Eternia where we will live in intergalactic glory forever.
Woman loses argument with her dog
A WOMAN has lost an argument with her own dog about whether he deserved to be fed again.
May asks for same changes to same plan so same MPs can vote same way
THERESA May has confirmed that she will take the same plan back to Brussels to ask for the same changes before the same MPs vote on it the same way.
Woman watching BBC version of Les Mis adding songs in herself
A WOMAN watching the desperately bleak version of Les Miserables sings the songs from the musical to make it bearable.
Five new dating trends to make you think ‘F**k it, I’ll stay single’
ARE you new to the dating scene? Here are some freakish dating behaviours you’ll encounter in our weird modern world.
Middle class man hires working class man to build snowman
A MIDDLE-CLASS man has hired a working class tradesman to build a snowman in the back garden with his beloved children.
Man decides to just agree with everyone that Paddington 2 is some sort of masterpiece
A MAN has decided to just go along with everyone and say that Paddington 2 is one of the greatest pieces of cinema ever made.
Got that f**king grouse though, says Philip
THE Duke of Edinburgh’s impulsive attempt to bag a ‘bloody cheeky’ grouse with his Land Rover was successful, he has confirmed.
What does your hangover pizza say about you?
IF there’s one thing our divided nation can agree on, it’s getting hammered on Friday and treating the resulting hangover with judiciously applied pizza the next day. But what does your choice say about you?
‘For Christ’s sake, stop talking like that’ say babies
BRITAIN'S babies have pleaded with the rest of the population to stop talking like that.
Has your friend been to Australia and turned into a racist?
FOR some mysterious reason, friends who go to Australia often come back a bit racist. Here’s how to help them get back to normal.
Middle class man thinks he’s an expert on street crime
A MIDDLE class man is weirdly knowledgeable about contemporary gang life, people have noticed.
