ONLY a self-centred idiot would make a funeral all about them. Here Prince Andrew explains why he should be the centre of attention as the nation mourns.
BEING a bloke comes with a hideous array of unreasonable expectations. Consider yourself a failure as a man if you fall foul of any of the following:
A WOMAN who has just joined 25 million Britons in having her Covid vaccine is mortified she forgot to share her special news on social media.
SOME UK universities have relaxed their standards on spelling and grammar. Here pompous old git Norman Steele debates the issue with young, trendy wanker Josh Hudson.
HAVE you ever wondered what sort of twat has the time and inclination to abuse strangers online all day? Here leading troll Martin Bishop explains his craft.
HAVE you inadvertently brought your child up to be a total nightmare? Here’s how to absolve yourself from blame by saying it’s all the fault of their teacher.
LEARN to speak proper and not get on other people’s nerves by avoiding these five common mistakes:
WHY is it that some perfectly easy tasks are impossible to do? No one knows, but here are the piss-easy things you cannot get around to doing.
A MAN keeps saying how great it is that things are back to normal, as if getting shitfaced in a freezing cold pub garden in the morning was something he used to do often.
LIKE an SAS operation, lunch hour drinking requires you to go in fast, get the job done and get the hell out of there after an hour. Here Andy McNab advises how to do it.
GETTING older but not happy about it? Here’s how to maintain the facade of youthfulness even if it means being a bit of a twat.
SHOULD we really describe people as ‘not suffering fools gladly’ when in fact they’re just opinionated gobshites? Here are some weird euphemisms for unreasonable folk.
FALLEN out? Want the next family get-together to be sphincter-tighteningly awkward for everyone? Princes William and Harry explain how.
DID you have a rival at school? Have you continued your competition into adulthood? Has it effectively destroyed a country?
DOZENS of brave Britons have perished in noble and gallant service to their country by getting hammered in beer gardens.
DO you love those articles explaining how iconic tracks of the past were put together? Here musical artists recall how they made the hits you f**king hate.
LOCKDOWN stupid. Want go Homebase and get big plant pots and go pub with Pete, Gavin and Steve. Covid is silly and stupid and I hate it.
FROM Farage to Johnson, British politics is awash with awful men whose popularity is based on the spurious notion they would be good company over a pint. But would they?
A SMUG bellend is already back in the gym to give his rippling vanity a workout, he has confirmed.
CRISPS are the best British foodstuff, but is there really any f**king point whatsoever to ready salted ones?