Ben Kingsley as Gandhi: Batshit casting choices that wouldn't work today
IF you were planning to remake film classics, the first thing you’d do is make sure none of these ‘What the f**k were they thinking?’ casting choices were repeated.
THINKING of sending naked pictures of yourself to someone you barely know online? Ask yourself these questions before doing this very obviously stupid thing.
CONSIDERING half-heartedly trying to lose weight? Allow a man to give you tips to ensure you never really commit.
BORIS Johnson has appointed a new cabinet after losing key members to morality yesterday. But who are they, and how has it come to this?
THE UK has agreed that the long, slow demise of Boris Johnson should be as long, as slow and as enjoyable as possible.
LEAD singers already get all the attention without the need for headwear. These six acts cannot be appreciated musically because of a hat.
A WOMAN’S colleagues have discovered that her entire character is limited to the fact that she will turn down crisps for a handful of seeds.
A CHRONIC labour shortage hasn’t stopped the audacity of prospective employers. Here’s what they now demand.
THE scandal over the wildly gropey deputy chief whip continues along entirely predictable lines today. Here’s how they all unfold.
MADE the mistake of reading more than one fantasy trilogy? Then you’ll have realised they’re all the f**king same and these clichéd tropes crop up every time.
Politics
THE government is facing more embarrassing sex allegations after an advisor claimed he saw Gavin Williamson performing a sex act on a venomous spider.
PARLIAMENT has agreed they would not have silenced anti-Brexit campaigner Steve Bray if he had mixed it up occasionally with a dubstep set.
SCOTLAND is once again acting like living next door to England under English rule is not an entirely positive experience.
THE UK has announced and outlined in full its plan to break international law, as all successful criminals routinely do before committing crimes.
IF your bin goes uncollected or your train is cancelled, Britain demands those responsible are shot as communists. If these non-key workers withdraw labour, nobody gives a shit.
BORIS Johnson is planning a third term in office, unaware that he’s f**ked. But a competent evil genius would be a better leader than any of the actual options.
Society
A WOMAN wouldn’t have invaded Ukraine, according to Boris Johnson, apparently unaware he was patronising them in a different way. Here are some more classic generalisations about the ladies.
RECKON it’s fine to park in a disabled space because you’d get a ticket for stopping right outside the gates? You could be a school run wanker. Find out here.
WANT to end a friendship by leaving a voice message? Do it in the most irritating way possible.
OUR lives are full of unspoken but universally observed rules that must never be broken. Only the wilfully lawless would dare contravene these.
ARE popular, lauded and hugely famous people now a good decade younger than you? Keep telling yourself you’ve got plenty of time with these tips.
A MAN’S once-functioning gaydar is so outdated it is no longer able to detect anyone who came out post-millennium.
Lifestyle
HOLIDAYING abroad is a bewildering experience for patriotic Brits. Here dyed-in-the-wool xenophobe Roy Hobbs explains the bollocks you'll have to put up with from the weird locals.
HOLIDAYS are a time of rest, relaxation, and taking the same tedious photos as everyone else. Such as these.
AIRPORT chaos and the cost of living crisis means yet another staycation. Well-heeled couple the Muirs explain how to survive without a fortnight in Tuscany.
ONLY the most annoying people you know are in the position to buy a second home abroad, it has been confirmed.
THE summer’s here, clothes are skimpy, nobody’s around, you’ve initiated sex and wish you hadn’t. Here’s how to finish.
GETTING pissed and vomiting in the gutter not a bad enough way to end a night out? Try these grim situations instead.
Sport
BRITISH people ignore tennis all year until Wimbledon rolls around, but why? These are the real reasons behind their fickle obsession.
THE UK has realised it would be balls-deep in a World Cup summer right now if the tournament had not been awarded to f**king Qatar.
PITCH invaders at football games have discovered that the pitch is no more than a large grassed oblong with white lines painted on it.
A PRESTON North End supporter has stressed his enduring hatred of Blackpool FC has nothing to do with its pioneering out gay player.
A MAN has looked back at his life and concluded that all of the achievements he is proudest of came while playing simulations of managing football teams.
THINK you’re sporty because you once beat your dad at arm-wrestling? No sport you can do after eight pints really counts as a true athletic endeavour.
Science & Technology
A MAN was sent into a spiral of shame and self-loathing after being confronted by his own recommended videos on YouTube.
ARE you a Silicon Valley zealot reshaping the world in your inhuman image? Include all these in your 3.0 version build:
THE reliability of your home’s internet connection can be improved through good deeds and pure thoughts, senior UK church members said today.
A NEW dating app is cutting out the middleman by allowing male users to post a picture of their knob as their profile photo.
A MILLENNIAL woman relatively immature for her age has found herself elevated to the position of wise, venerable matriarch since joining TikTok.
WOMEN can’t get enough of guys that sit on videogames all day ignoring them. They get especially hot when they see an alpha male doing this stuff.
Arts & Entertainment
SIR Paul McCartney has turned 80, headlined Glastonbury and been hailed as Britain’s greatest man with twice the verve and energy of most 20-year-olds. But have you had your fill of the Fab One by now?
POP stars switch up their images to move with the times or grab cash. Makes sense, whereas these awful revamps remain baffling.
WATCHING a film and thinking ‘hang on, what the f**k is that accent supposed to be?’ Nobody has ever spoken like these people.
GLASTONBURY took place this weekend, you watched some of it on the telly, and you’ve decided the ___ set was so great it’s key to your identity. But which?
THE presence of morons returning from Glastonbury by train is worse than the rail strike itself, other passengers have confirmed.
EVERYBODY’S looking for their Glastonbury moment and everyone gets one. But not all of them are positive.
Business
HORSES are parading, M&S biscuits are rebranded, and Nicholas Witchell is clearing his throat. Jubilee hysteria is upon us. Here’s how to make it through.
SMUG twats who piled all their cash into imaginary numbers money are finding out they are not cleverer than the entire world after all.
IN our capitalist label-obsessed society, some brands attract more tosspots, twats and knobheads than others. Avoid anyone devoted to these.
A DRUNK man, noticeably high on cocaine and bellowing about cryptocurrencies in a central London pub, is hoping people are taking his excellent financial advice.
THE budget supposedly benefits the rich at the expense of the ‘poor’. If you can call them that, they’ve got phones, shoes and running water, haven’t they? Anyway, here I explain why more money motivates wealthy people but not the povs.
A BUSINESSMAN from a humble background who built a fortune from scratch wrongly believes his example proves that anyone can be rich.
Work
YOU care so much about your employees, you even call them at home at weekends. A management expert explains how to make your business your family.
A WOMAN is bitterly regretting her decision to wear a blazer to work on one of the muggiest days of the year.
WITH the biggest rail strike for 30 years underway, what should train drivers be paid? 58-year-old Roy Hobbs of Swindon, who knows f**k all, decides.
DOES your mum believe she knows of a career option that would make you rich? She has no idea that these five jobs are just as badly paid as yours.
IS your boss being a dick about giving you a payrise while moving you to a three-day week? Get around their spurious objections.
AIRLINE staff maintain a warm smile even for hen parties on gin who need a piss during take-off. These careers pay you for kindness to arseholes.
Alcohol
CONSUMING alcohol in large quantities can unleash talents you never knew you had. And may possibly want to forget. Skills such as these…
A MAN who drank five pints of lager in the full glare of the sun was bemused to find he still had a raging thirst, it has emerged.
THE pub is a fine British institution where people come together to stare silently into the bottom of a pint glass while getting shitfaced. But what does your choice of pint say about you?
IT is your patriotic duty to get royally pissed for Her Majesty this Jubilee weekend. But make sure you pace yourself properly with these tips.
TRAVELLERS arriving at airports are facing queues of up to eight hours to get served at airport pubs, they have complained.
EVER watched a Disney film, wishing you were down the pub, and wondered which would be the best to go on a 12-hour session with? These are the top seven.
