What your shitty birthday was like in 2020

UNSURE if it matters that Johnson’s July 2020 birthday party broke the rules? Compare it to the shitty celebration you had that year.

The unwritten rules of office life that you will be exiled forever for breaking

OFFICES are back, and with them the threat of being a pariah for life if you dare violate their unwritten and unspoken rules. Watch out for these.

Six great reasons for Brexiters to join the army immediately

WAR with shifty foreign tyrant Putin is on the way, so it’s time for all those gammons who defeated Hitler by voting Leave to enlist. Here’s six reasons to volunteer.

New McPlant burger lets vegans feel ashamed and disgusted too

MCDONALD’S have introduced a new plant-based burger that lets vegans experience the shame and disgust of consuming vile, greasy processed food.

We need a shit lying lawbreaker of a leader because war is coming
THE United Kingdom could soon be at war. And in wartime we need a strong, lying, blame-everyone-else leader with no moral backbone who cares only for himself.
Threats to kill or misogynist abuse: How should you react to the Swift/Albarn Twitter spat?

BRITPOP’S Damon Albarn has had a pop at total world dominance’s Taylor Swift about songwriting. As ever, it is the duty of Twitter users to provide deranged overreaction.

Funko Pops, and other stuff that will be worth f**k all in 20 years

COLLECTING useless tat in the delusion that it will be worth a fortune one day? You’d have been better investing in a nightly takeaway than this crap.

Your parents' six utterly trivial obsessions that make you want to shit

DO your parents’ long-running obsessions make you so frustrated you go down the end of their garden for an angry fag? They never shut up about this bullshit.

'Perhaps start by asking the police guarding Downing Street?' public advises Met

THE police investigating Downing Street lockdown parties have been advised that the police guarding Downing Street might provide a few answers.

Invading Russia always goes well so chill, advise historians

HISTORIANS have reassured the world that war with Russia will be no problem because the country is notoriously easy to invade.

The new dickhead-friendly Highway Code

THE Highway Code has been updated to meet the needs of the dickheads who dominate Britain’s roads. Be aware of these new rules.

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Politics

Eight other quotes you could use to tell Boris Johnson to f**k off

DAVID Davies yesterday quoted Oliver Cromwell to tell Johnson to piss off. Which other quotes, with helpful amendments, might help the dick get the message? 

Even Tim Martin doesn't like you, and other ways to know you're really up shit creek

BORIS Johnson has found himself in non-stop trouble recently. Here he explains the telltale signs that you might be irretrievably f**ked.

Dear Boris, when I called you a 'lying sack of shit' I may have spoken in haste

AS a loyal Tory MP, I feel I should make it clear that when I referred to you as a ‘lying sack of shit’, a ‘f**king liability’ and a ‘dead man walking’, I was only kidding.

Tory MP joins Labour just in time for the good bit

A CONSERVATIVE MP has crossed the floor sides just in time to enjoy the downfall of his former party.

'I always thought I'd have to quit because I'd been caught f**king someone'

I NEVER thought it would end like this. In my head, after I’d led Britain roaring back to imperial glory, I have to quit because I’ve been caught f**king someone.

Nine reasons why your vote for Boris Johnson doesn't make you a prize dick

DID you vote for Boris Johnson in 2019? Feeling quite the rosette-wearing cock? Former Boris fan Norman Steele has nine pathetic ways to justify it.

'I had no idea I was leading a conga': Boris Johnson's birthday apology in full
THANK you. I attended my birthday party in June 2020, but at no point did I realise I was attending my birthday party. Let me explain.

Society

'So's your mum': the 1980s schoolkid's guide to wit

DID you once savage your classmates with your astounding repartee? Then you no doubt used these zingers back in the day.

15 ways in which all other drivers prove themselves to be arseholes

DRIVING would be so much nicer if it wasn’t for all the other total twats on the roads doing these things.

How to summon the energy to be outraged

TOO unsurprised to be properly pissed off by yet another f**king Tory lockdown party? Build your anger stamina with these tips.

A hundred people bringing their own booze and other things the Met Police haven't noticed

POLICE at Downing Street completely failed to spot 100 staffers with eight-packs of Stella in blue plastic bags getting shitfaced in the garden. What else did they miss?

Piranhas, spontaneous combustion and the Bermuda Triangle: how kids thought they'd meet their doom

REMEMBER when you thought you’d die of something cool, and not from a sedentary lifestyle and poor genes? You were convinced these five things would kill you.

Nobody has to go and see any f**ker this weekend

WITH all relatives and friends met and all obligations discharged, the entire UK is not open to seeing any f**ker this weekend.

How to get everyone to f**k off and leave you alone
MONDAY morning in January? Surrounded by bloody people? Want nothing more than for them all to just piss off?

Lifestyle

How stewed should your tea be? Find out your professional Northerner rating

FANCY being a professional Northerner to get attention and respect? There’s a strict Northern code of conduct you must adhere to. See if you can pass our test.

Why moving out of London was the best thing I ever did then the worst and why I regret moving back again

I WAS fed up of the rat race, the dreary commute, living in the armpits of sweaty businessmen on the 7.15 train, the tired cliche of unfriendly strangers rushing by without time to say ‘Hello’.

The stingy bastard's guide to riding out the cost of living crisis

INFLATION got you worried? Bills rocketing? Can’t pay rent? Not me, because I’m a tight bastard. Let me show you how to cut costs to zero.

Astrologer starting to worry it's all bullshit

AN astrologer of 30 years’ standing has begun to wonder if the horoscopes she provides are actually accurate in any way.

Woman in luxurious bath surrounded by candles bored as f**k

A WOMAN who ran herself a luxurious bubble bath to relax in got out after eight minutes because she was utterly bored.

Perving over your neighbours, and other reasons to be a creep with a ring camera

GOT a camera on your doorbell that you claim is for security reasons? Here’s what you really use it for.

How to explain where you're from when it's not London
FIND yourself struggling to articulate where you hail from because it’s outside the M25? If you’re one of the dozens of people not from London, follow this guide.

Sport

Djokovic to defend title via Zoom

TENNIS star Novak Djokovic is to compete in the Australian Open remotely via Zoom, it has been confirmed.

George Best and other sports stars today's modern, pansy athletes can’t compare to

MONEY and woke rules have ruined modern sports, according to old school fan Roy Hobbs. Here's his take on why today’s athletes can never compare to these gods:

Letting Djokovic stay could ruin our delicate ecosystem of twats, says Australia

ALLOWING Novak Djokovic to stay and compete in the Open could unbalance Australia’s ecosystem of enormous twats, the country has confirmed.

Five sports that don't count as exercise

WANT to do competitive physical activity, but not to break a sweat? These five activities are technically sports but medically aren’t.

Racist can't face getting into cricket

A KEEN and committed racist has admitted that despite Yorkshire’s exemplary record of bigotry he is still not getting into cricket.

Taliban to take over Middlesbrough FC

THE rulers of Afghanistan are to buy out Middlesbrough FC for £320 million, the Premier League has confirmed.

Woman first person ever to be pregnant
A WOMAN who recently became pregnant is the first woman ever to have experienced the magic of conception, friends have confirmed.

Science & Technology

'Getting the popcorn out': Six things idiots online think are original and hilarious

EVER noticed that every online discussion is full of people making the same old tired jokes and observations? Here are some of the most wearisome.

Man turns on wife's vibrator then can't turn it off

A MAN has discovered his wife’s vibrator, turned it on to see what it does and is now frantically trying to turn it off.

'My phone is listening to my conversations', thinks woman who Googled that thing a week ago

A WOMAN who constantly feeds her phone personal information is convinced it is eavesdropping on her conversations.

The twat's guide to thinking you're making a difference with a bunch of stupid memes

IS your immediate response to important events to send out a picture with an unfunny caption? Here Martin Bishop explains how he’s changing the world one meme at a time.

Six household objects you'd like to physically fight

PHYSICAL objects are such aggravating bastards that sometimes you just want to punch them into little pieces. Here are six frequent offenders.

Man explaining non-fungible tokens to date still thinks he could score

A MAN who has spent 30 minutes explaining to his date what non-fungible tokens are is somehow under the impression that the evening is going well.

The six shittest Number Ones of the 00s
THE Noughties were a time of low-rise jeans and even lower standards for music. These six singles meant the new millennium was a write-off almost immediately:

Arts & Entertainment

How to learn to live with Wordle

POPULAR online puzzle game Wordle shows no sign of going away any time soon. Here's how to learn how to live with  this population-enslaving time-waster.

Six films where everyone's a twat

ARE you baffled by films where you’re expected to identify with blundering twats? These six made you wish they’d all piss off.

Six bands who pretended to be from the future but looked like twats 

CLAIMING to be from the future is near-impossible to pull off, especially if you’re a pop star with stupid hair. These acts made the future look shit.

Child's Play, and other 18-rated movies you deeply regret watching too young

YOU stupidly thought you could cope with 18 films at 12 years old. Here are the ones you sneakily watched that traumatised you for life.

Six shows that were toss but had great theme tunes

THE cream of television captivates audiences with good plots and characters. Or there's these, which were total shite apart from their theme tunes.

'I have no son': What to do when your 13-year-old gets into Warhammer

WHEN your son announces that he would like to go to the Warhammer shop, your first instinct is to disown him. And that’s correct. Follow it with these.

How to order an inquiry into your own behaviour when you're in the shit
ACCUSED of holding parties, Islamophobia or murder? Simply order an inquiry into it then say you can’t discuss it because of the inquiry.

Business

Six inspiring female entrepreneurs to make you feel shit about yourself

THERE is nothing like a woman kicking ass in the business world to make other women feel like failures. Begin the year with these pioneers.

Rumbelows and other shops it's hard to believe existed

ONCE rulers of the high street, it’s now impossible to believe that their unsettling concepts were ever viable businesses. How did they ever survive?

'We will get feedback if we have to take it from your cold, dead fingers' vows online shop

ONLINE shops are beginning a relentless quest for customer feedback that will only end when you have given them five stars or are dead.

Christmas more commercial than kid could have even dreamed

A LITTLE boy has been delighted to realise that Christmas is more of a hollow capitalist scam than he dared to dream possible.

Most important man in the world puts out-of-office response on for afternoon off

THE most important man in recorded history has set an out-of-office auto-response on his email for 1pm until 6pm today.

Shopworker devastated to hear complaining customer taking business elsewhere

A SHOP assistant is distraught to learn a customer will be shopping elsewhere following a minor incident.

Subscribe or we go right wing, threatens Guardian
THE Guardian is warning online readers that if they do not pay monthly subscriptions it will move sharply to the right.

Work

Chief Disruptor and other made-up job titles for complete wankers

THE corporate world is a minefield of ‘innovation managers’ and ‘change agents’. Never interact with any arsehole in one of these bollocks jobs.

Five f**king delightful emails to find in your inbox on Monday morning

IT’S Monday morning and your inbox is full of treasures. Here are five emails to make you grateful you opened Outlook.

Twats have booked the next fortnight off

THE worst possible twats who worked over Christmas have booked the next two weeks off, it has emerged.

Boss who doesn't know your name would like to see more commitment from you

A REGIONAL manager who has never bothered to find out your name is offended by your lack of commitment to your job.

The worst websites to be caught browsing by your boss

REMOTE working means unexpected screen sharing and shit, you forgot you’d left that tab open. But which websites are the most shaming?

Man disappointed to find his job still there

A MAN has been disheartened by the discovery that his employment continues to exist and that he is expected to take part in it.

10 American words you were still ignorant of the meaning of at 40
YOU were on the cusp of middle age before you realised what exactly a ‘semester’ was. These still confuse:

Alcohol

Wetherspoons hit by mass orgasm as pint served with crown on the glass

A Wetherspoons has been levelled by a seismic volley of orgasms after a pint was served in a glass with a little crown on it.

We'll be taking our usual second bank holiday today, admits horrendously hungover Scotland

SCOTLAND has once again admitted that it cannot return to work until tomorrow because it overdid it massively at New Year.

Man convinced he was going to get laid on New Year's Eve in bed by 11pm

A MAN sure his New Year's Eve would end in the throes of passionate sex found himself home alone in bed without making it to midnight.

22 shit ways to spend New Year's Eve

THERE are more shit ways to spend New Year’s Eve than there are stars in the sky. Here are just a few of them.

Six creative ways to avoid a Boxing Day hangover

IF you’ve overindulged on Christmas Day, avoiding a hangover on Boxing Day will be a challenge needing a creative solution. Try these:

Mum pissed

MOTHERS across the UK are very, very drunk right now, it has emerged.

Funfairs only fun if they're rundown deathtraps
FAIRGROUNDS are only worth going to if they look so ramshackle that you are in genuine fear for your life, it has been confirmed.