Footballers of today who could be the angry, biased pundits of tomorrow

BIASED? Dour? Permanently irate? When Keane and Carragher hang up their mics, we’ll need those qualities. But which current players will be the pundits of the future?

'Men are intimidated by you', and other lies to tell your perpetually single female friend

FRIENDS with a fundamentally undateable woman? Reassure her that it’s not her fault even though it is with these lies.

Wales arrogantly expecting to win whole thing as usual

THE cocksure, entitled nation of Wales is already arrogantly assuming it will at the very least reach the final of Euro 2020.

Five films ruined by finding out there's a twist

WANT to spoil any potential enjoyment of a movie before you watch it? Find out there’s a twist. Here’s five films with surprises you wouldn’t have seen coming, but now definitely will.

Wetherspoons' Curry Club and the other brands that should advertise on GB News
BUSINESSES including IKEA and Kopparberg have stopped advertising with GB News because they’re Swedish cowards. Which brands should leap in?
Shocked UK had no idea Matt Hancock was totally f**king hopeless

BRITAIN is struggling to come to terms with claims that the health secretary who has led us through this pandemic is totally f**king hopeless.

The seven mums you meet on parenting Facebook

GOT children? Desperate to not be suffering alone? Then you’ve visited a parenting group on Facebook and met these people.

The Greenpeace guide to making a great point in the worst way possible

AS A Greenpeace activist I’m saving the earth any way I can, even if that means crashing into France vs Germany like a reckless wanker.

The six twats that love to sit in your train carriage

EVER think that irritating twats deliberately sit in your train carriage? Yeah, they do. Here’s the line-up of rail companions for your next 100 journeys.

Batman doesn't do oral and Superman can't get it up – the surprising sex lives of the super heroes

BATMAN’S publishers have confirmed that he refuses to perform oral sex on his partners. And according to comics nerd Tom Booker, that’s just the beginning.

Middle-class family resentfully install pizza oven they're now required to have

A MIDDLE-CLASS family are fuming about the top-of-the-range pizza oven, complete with brick surround, that they are currently having built in their garden.

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Politics

Britain so pleased we're doing this First Lady bullshit

THE UK is uniformly delighted that after years of not doing this American White House First Lady bollocks, we now apparently are.

Dear Donna: I made a mistake at work and had to get married

I’m a successful man in his 50s who recently married his girlfriend, but only because work made me.

Johnson places advert for mistress in Times

BORIS Johnson has placed an advertisement for the vacant position of mistress to the prime minister in the Sunday Times. 

Carrie Symonds' mental letters to newspapers

CARRIE Symonds, as a PR professional and divorcé’s nightmare, writes daily letters to newspapers which are intercepted and burned. Here are a few of them: 

Five desperate ways to still think Boris Johnson is doing his best

DOMINIC Cummings has damned Boris Johnson by saying tens of thousands of people needlessly died. If you’re a diehard Boris supporter, here’s how to pretend he’s still great.

Standing like a f**king weirdo: 15 to 20 other reasons Hancock should have been fired

NOT been paying attention to the news for the last few years? Here are all the reasons the health secretary should have been given the boot long ago.

A batshit mental Daily Mail article from the point of view of the First Baby, Wilf Johnson
GOOD morning, I’m national engine of hatred the Daily Mail, and today I’ll be wearing the mask of Boris Johnson’s one-year-old son Wilf. Isn’t that disturbingly adorable?

Society

The five best imaginary scandals to start a culture war over

THERE might not be rationing or gas masks, but a war is raging right now: the ‘culture war’. Here are the best concocted scandals people are losing their shit over.

Six pathetic insecurities men won't admit to

AS a man, do you feel you should be an ‘alpha male’? Here are some of the pathetic and unrealistic things you’re probably secretly worried about.

Oxford students replace Queen portrait with Pulp Fiction poster

STUDENTS at Oxford University have replaced a controversial portrait of the Queen with a Pulp Fiction poster from the SU shop, it has been confirmed.

The 15 most agonisingly boring moments of parenthood

THERE are so many moments to cherish with kids, and also so many times when you are so very, very bored.

Yorkshire man who says pronouns are for snowflakes furious to be mistaken for Lancastrian

A YORKSHIRE man who thinks anyone specifying pronouns is a 'snowflake' is seething after being thought to be from Lancashire.

Drinking a lager top and other signs you've betrayed your Northern roots

MAINTAINING your Northernness can be a tricky business. Here are six worrying signs that you’re slipping into the behaviour of a soft Southerner.

Five sexual fantasies that would be mortifying to actually go through with
Got some sexual fantasies to tick off your bucket list? These should never become a reality because they’d be an excruciating let down.

Lifestyle

A lady never tells her age, says 25-year-old

A WOMAN who is only 25 bizarrely thinks it is her prerogative as a female to keep her age a closely guarded secret.

The five most terrifying things that happen in the first year of having a baby

HAVING a child is a life-changing experience. A mostly terrifying one. Here are five of the worst bits from year one, although there could be 50.

Five essential summer care tips for your goth

A HOT summer can be a testing time for goths. Follow our advice to ensure yours stays safe, but gloomy.

Are you being gentrified? Take our quiz

WORRIED that you might be a victim of the gentrification usually reserved for areas of cities? Find out if you’ll soon be priced out of your own life:

Bikini-clad woman at beach refuses to frolic

A WOMAN wearing a bikini to the beach on a scorching summer day has outraged observers with her flat refusal to frolic.

Child-free couple announce they're expecting another hobby

A COUPLE without children have contacted friends and family to let them know they are expecting the arrival of a new hobby.

Five annoying skills that can be transferred to any office job
JOB hunting? Need to punch up your CV? Include these irritating skills that are guaranteed to appeal to every office employer.

Sports

Keep politics out of football, says booing England fan making racist political statement

AN England fan tired of politics getting in the way of football has expressed his disagreement by making a racist political statement that gets in the way of football.

Britain’s football songs from worst to better-but-still-shit

DO you like music? You won’t like football songs then. But with the Euros on the way here’s a few ranked from whale excrement to tolerable.

Gary Neville's post-match analysis of armed insurrections and military coups

AS football punditry’s Che Guevara, it’s not just revolutions at Old Trafford that get my backing. Check out my post-game analysis of these world events.

'Like Brexit but good': the European Super League shitstorm explained to non-fans

PULLING out of a European group that raises everyone’s income, but it’s a good thing? Uh? Manchester United fan Wayne Hayes explains.

Historic six-nil giant-killing victory won by plucky little amateurs

A GROUP of plucky football-loving amateurs have scored a historic six-nil win over England’s billionaire football clubs.

Why we represent the average football fan, by Bozza and Willy

HEY, Willy and Bozza here, just a couple of average football-loving dudes who won’t let this Super League shizz happen.

Britain getting the full affair-with-Boris experience
THE UK is finding out first-hand what it’s like to be seduced, lied to, and repeatedly f**ked over by Boris Johnson.

Science & Technology

The real reasons Jeff Bezos is going into space

AMAZON boss Jeff Bezos is blasting into space, and there’s surely no reason to be suspicious about what the f**k he’ll do while he’s there. But why is he going?

'Why’s the sky blue?' and other arsehole questions from kids

CHILDREN’S curiosity is a wonderful thing, until you’re required to provide the answers. These basic questions will baffle you.

'Is it cheating if we just have sex?' Stupid questions you shouldn't have to Google

LIFE is full of mysteries, but some of it is bleeding obvious. Here are some of the f**king stupid questions that end up being googled...

Five moronic ways to use your phone

SMARTPHONES are incredibly intelligent pieces of technology which put the world at your fingertips. Here are some ways to use them like an absolute twat.

Blueyonder old as shit, Gmail dull as f**k – what your email address says about you

EVER wondered what conclusions people draw about you based on your email address? Here’s what they think when you turn up in their inbox.

The five most annoying promotional emails you'll get today

INBOX constantly stuffed to bursting with irritating promotional emails? You'll be familiar with these...

Five Bible plot holes that make the whole thing totally unbelievable
ADAM and Eve only had sons, so where did their grandkids come from? Here are some other glaring Biblical plot holes.

Arts & Entertainment

How to be a sneering dick about stuff you haven't seen

IS YOUR superiority to others based on not consuming the same media as them? Nathan Muir flaunts his iconoclastic ignorance of perfectly enjoyable things he hasn’t seen.

Gammon fuming at black Anne Boleyn perfectly happy with white Jesus

A BRITISH man fuming at Channel 5 casting a black actress as Anne Boleyn is entirely at ease with a Caucasian Jesus, he confirmed.

Six movie villains who we judged too harshly

AS the Cruella de Vil reboot hits the big screen, here are some other film villains who were misjudged rather than evil.

Five songs that sound romantic if you don't listen to the lyrics

Making a Spotify playlist for your beloved? Avoid these tunes, as they will demonstrate you're a terrible listener.

Can you survive an outdoor gig in Wales?

WALES is allowing up to 10,000 people to attend outdoor gigs from Monday. But could you survive the weather and drinking of a Welsh music festival? 

The bands you loved as a teenager who are knobheads now

DID you unduly respect certain bands as a youth, but now have a sneaking suspicion they were knobheads? Here are some that look like twats with hindsight.

Britons pretending to enjoy sun through gritted teeth 
PEOPLE across the UK have miserably begun their annual ritual of pretending to enjoy temperatures above 18 degrees Celsius.

Business

How to celebrate Pride as a rapacious British company

ARE you a British business keen to let LGBT+ customers and staff know that they’re special for one month only? Here are the best ways to be an ally.

Tim Martin proposes Britain launch new 'Union of Europe' to attract workers

WETHERSPOONS boss Tim Martin has urged the government to set up some sort of ‘Union of Europe’ to solve his shortage of pub staff. 

'You're fat now, buy accordingly' say clothes shops

CLOTHING shops have reminded all their customers that they are now fat bastards so should buy their clothes accordingly.

'We value your privacy' and six other blatant corporate lies

THE corporate world is a palace of lies so glaringly obvious that they go almost unnoticed. Here are a few of the most frequent:

UK's remaining high street shop to reopen

THE UK’s sole remaining high street shop that has not fallen into bankruptcy is to reopen today.

Five deeply unfunny April Fools' day jokes brands will make

NOT sure if a faceless corporation is pulling your leg? Check to see if it’s one of these exhaustingly tedious jokes that brands wheel out every April Fools’ Day.

People who have no freedom of speech given entire broadcast news channel
PUBLIC figures that never shut up have been given their own TV channel where they can talk endlessly about being silenced.