Your astrological week ahead for November 2nd, with Psychic Bob
Have loud sex at 3am on the cold, wet paving slabs where your wheelie bins are. That'll show those fox bastards.
A DICKISH couple are certain people from miles around will gratefully gaze at the huge free fireworks display they are putting on.
BRITONS will be gleefully watching effigies of Guy Fawkes burn this weekend. But would the UK be a better place if his plot had succeeded?
WAKING up with a hangover the size of a former Soviet satellite state which turns out to be twice the size of Western Europe, I reflect on yesterday’s successful fight with a nun.
A WARM, loving message from a father is clearly a scam designed to trick his son out of money.
A MAN is not tight or anything, he just thinks it is daft to spend a fiver on a pint.
REMEMBER when every dodgy bastard in the UK was screeching about being cancelled? Considering they’ve been ruthlessly silenced by the forces of woke, these individuals are still strangely vocal.
HALLOWEEN? Load of bollocks if you ask me. Another American import we neither want nor need, like Starbucks, Black Friday and taking the knee. Not sure if the last two are related.
Politics
THE prime minister is once again facing criticism by accepting the gift of an extra hour of daylight to spend however he pleases.
THE super-rich can avoid any tax they like, as they frequently tell us. But then why are they fighting so hard to keep taxes low?
SO fellow Tory MP Christopher Chope thinks I can’t be party leader because I have children? Frankly I am shocked to hear outdated, bigoted attitudes from a member of the Conservative Party.
THE prime minister has asked the public if they really believe that he, a 62-year-old man who has spent his life in the legal profession, is a keen Swiftie.
Society
A PAIR of moneyed new parents have given their beautiful, hours-old daughter a name best suited to a sour schoolmarm who lived a hundred years ago.
Labour have been criticised for saying landlords cannot be viewed to be working as human beings. What do you think?
BRITONS can now only achieve happiness while seeing others, preferably also Britons, having a total and utter nightmare.
HELLO, Double Dave here. Despite Brexit cementing my reputation for being thick as mince, I’m 90 per cent sure Lucy Letby is innocent. I could also help these obvious miscarriages of justice.
STEPHEN Fry? F**k off. These are the real national treasures of Britain, according to builder Wayne Hayes and the lads down the Portakabin.
Lifestyle
LIFE is dull. Inject the seedy glamour of organised crime into your day by turning mundane activities into Hollywood fantasies.
ARE needless thoughts racing through your head 24/7 or could your anxious brain be doing more? Find out with this quiz.
THE prime minister has told teenagers to be sensible and invest in a reliable, refillable vape that will serve their nicotine dependency for years to come.
A FATHER-OF-TWO who is unafraid to tell the truth has said that having children is a lot like having a dog.
A TEENAGE boy has been turned on to seriously obscure alternative music after hearing it for the first time in a series of popular commercial films.
AN idiot who is habitually late acts as if it is completely out of her control even when she has been lying in bed watching TikTok until two minutes before she needs to leave.
Sport
THOMAS Tuchel has explained his being German and managing England is not an issue because the two nations are essentially identical.
THOMAS Tuchel has nobly accepted his career as a football manager who won trophies is in the past and begun a long, sad slide into irrelevance.
ENGLAND played five strikers on Thursday and lost. Logic dictates they should therefore increase the number of strikers to 11 for Sunday’s game, but will they?
NOBODY seems to want the England job and fans believe anyone could do it better than Gareth Southgate, so should we let this lad Lee Carsley do it?
Science & Technology
THE business-focused social media network LinkedIn has just begun an exciting new role rigging presidential elections in the United States. Click here to add your congratulations!
THE price of a good, solid shot of healthy human semen has risen by a full ten pounds to a princely £45 a time.
GOOGLE is wondering if you meant a different search term which requires less effort and more showing of sponsored posts, it has confirmed.
BANNING mobile phones in schools makes sense because why should they have fun? But in these sacred spaces devices should always be allowed.
Arts & Entertainment
MUSIC fans around the world are joining in the fun pretence that they would love to hear a new album by Kate Bush.
KEIRA Knightley has written a children’s book, based on no literary merit other than being in Pride & Prejudice. Here are some more famous people who really shouldn’t bother either.
AN artificial intelligence trained on Radiohead’s music can produced precisely two good albums before dissolving into an electronic morass, researchers have found.
YOU bought their records, and now they want you to buy appalling artwork which proves their talent is solely musical. None of these would be hung on merit.
THERE is ugliness in Hollywood, but only on the inside. Which is why the casting directors of these had to cast tanned and toned actors with glowing veneers.
WANT to avoid crucial plot details but don’t have an ounce of common sense? Dodge spoilers with this painfully obvious guide.
Business
WATER bills are to rise, because otherwise businesses failing by every metric would be unable to reward their shareholders. Here’s how that happened.
A GROUP of natural Tories have warned Labour to run the country in their best interests or every one of them will have left the country by Friday.
ARE you concerned that when the inevitable call from banking scammers arrives, you will be too savvy to fall for it and end up keeping all your money? Follow these steps.
RESIDENTS of a gentrified town are dismayed that the artisan cheese shop they collectively neglected is going out of business.
TENANTS are ungrateful bastards. Always complaining about broken sinks and holes in roofs but no appreciation for the finer points of interior design. Detail is everything.
Work
A WOMAN is under the mistaken impression that her leaving for another job is an important emotional event for those around her.
A BOSS is hoping that his employee’s five year plan aligns with his own vision of an increased workload for decreased compensation.
A BUSINESS is rethinking its morale-boosting strategy of asking staff to bring children to work after a group of teenage girls tore them to shreds.
EXPERTS are disparaging the need to be physically in the office you work in as mere ‘presenteeism’. But what if that’s the only bit you’re good at?
Alcohol
MORE than 60 per cent of craft beer is brewed by big bastard corporations rather than independent bearded wankers, research has found.
A GROUP of work colleagues have been assured by a co-worker that they can continue their drinking at a great bar situated a mere 45 minute walk away.
A NEW range of boutique 12 per cent lagers are the drink of choice for sophisticated urban professionals at upscale dinner parties.
MORNING! Oh God, what did you do? How did unwinding with three bottles of wine lead to this? What is your pickled brain claiming happened and did it?
A MAN who absolutely underdid it on the pints has woken up mortified at the not even slightly embarrassing things he said the night before.