REFORM have taken a handful of councils across Britain and will now attempt to end immigration using only local planning laws. This is how they’ll try:

WE'RE set for big gains today, so let’s look forward to a fairer, greener Britain. That's assuming Green councillors don’t bollocks things up as impressively quickly as me.

HEADING out to vote in elections today but don’t know if you have everything you need? Consult this handy election guide.

PRIVATELY receiving £5 million from a crypto billionaire is the one thing Nigel Farage has done the media has deemed to be a non-story.

AN individual standing for the local council in your area holds deranged views from their radicalised corner of social media. But are they Green or Reform? Find out.

THE Mansion Tax was, like raising the top rate of income tax, always going to cost Britain money because economics works backwards over a certain level. Let me explain.

A LONDON resident told housing outside the capital is readily available for less than half a million pounds has dismissed it as a provincial hoax.

THE conductor of a train from London to Manchester has enjoyed his sixth climax of the day by telling passengers their tickets are invalid.

A PROPER traditional racist who bases his prejudice on skin colour is horrified by the rising tide of anti-Semitism.

THE classic ice lollies of the 70s and 80s are more than just nostalgia. They symbolise a better time which only Reform can bring back, explains councillor Norman Steele.

A LONDONER’S journey to work resembles Odysseus’s journey home from Troy according to her self-serving bullshit account of the saga.

A WOMAN who recently lost weight is now the subject of a race by her female friends to put it back on her as quickly as possible. 

SCOWLING landladies of unwelcoming bed-and-breakfasts at windswept British seaside resorts are looking forward to resenting you this summer.

A MAN praised for being physically affectionate and in touch with his emotions is surreptitiously following the dictates of his penis, he has confirmed.

THE Devil is flattered you imagine he can still afford designer clothing in this economy, but says you are sadly mistaken.

I’M not exaggerating when I say a pint of Guinness cheered me right up and made the opposite sex appear more attractive. And you can buy one at pretty much every pub in any town.

WOMEN with big boobs have confirmed they cannot go out of fashion because they were never in it, but remain enduringly popular nonetheless.

UNQUALIFIED FBI head Kash Patel is facing allegations of alcoholism and incompetence caused by his girlfriend being objectively more attractive than he is. Here’s how he clings on.

SHE liked diamonds and Picasso paintings. He slept under bridges and sketched caricatures for cash. It was a holiday romance with an unfortunate iceberg, and these wouldn’t last either.

IF she’s a serious actress in highbrow movies? Then your wife sanctions and allows your crush because it shows your discerning taste in women. All these are permitted.

JD Vance recently said he had forbidden his wife from going skydiving in a strange comparison to Iran. Here he explains the benefits of controlling tendencies - for her and you.

A WOMAN who has split up with her hopeless loser of a boyfriend is searching for a new man who is functionally identical, she has confirmed.

SHE is so lovely, and she has captured your soul. But as you’ve never exchanged a single word, how to tell her? Would staring like a pervert do it? Let’s hope so.

IS this a spam email, or is it a genuine offer from Elon Musk to send you frozen sperm to birth yet more of his legion of children? You decide!

A MAN cannot help but admit that a clickbait headline has done an incredible job of piquing his fickle interest.

A FATHER of refined tastes watches only the cream of awful AI videos spewed out by social media, it has emerged.

ARE you still bitter about the writers of a TV show you loved messing around with a perfect formula and ruining it? You may have been watching these.

WISH you looked as laughably idiotic as the celebrities attending the Met Gala? Create an appropriate wardrobe on a budget with our guide.

LATER this year, half an act that rode to fame on the popularity of lap-dancing will play UK arenas. Their combined age will be 137 but they hobble on regardless, as do these.

MASTURBATORY opportunities can present themselves at the strangest of times. Who would have thought these classic movies would contain dubious wanking material?

THEY created punk and galvanised a generation, but almost five decades on from their debut release, how does The Sex Pistols’ discography stack up? Find out.

THE Michael Jackson biopic made the lucrative decision to end his story in 1988, before it all went too badly wrong. Which others need to call it early?

THE animal kingdom have clubbed together to get Sir David Attenborough a birthday greeting performed by a stripper, they have revealed. 

THE Princess of Wales has announced she is embarking on a solo trip to Italy where she intends to take a lover.

OUR monarch has done as he was told and performed a humiliating little show for president Trump. Which potentate who hates laws should he do it for next?

THE King has admitted claiming to own a domed ballroom a mile high in conversation with Donald Trump to see his crestfallen reaction.

FAT, proud and a role model for those who through no fault of their own are larger? Until an injection came alone and now you’re inspiringly thin instead?

DID you see Madonna onstage with Sabrina Carpenter at Coachella and eruditely muse that while one is young, the other is old? Decide which you should fancy with this guide.

A MAN has forgotten how to be an underperforming drone after the four-day Easter weekend, it has emerged.

ATTENDING an online seminar is a fantastic opportunity to get stuff done while some arsehole is droning on about bullshit, research has found.

A MAN who accidentally ticked a box saying he was gay on his equalities form now feels compelled to go along with it, to be an ally.

AN army of retired old bastards with nothing better to do but sit at home resenting your working at home wants legislation to stop you.

NIGEL Farage has appealed to morons this week by calling for an end to working from home. Here’s why it isn’t as bad as he fears.

NEW research has found making a train journey in Britain can be survived and even enjoyed if the passenger has drunk enough.

CHILDREN are disturbing heavy-drinking adults at their serious work of getting shitfaced, so should they be given pubs of their own?

IRELAND’S proud Celtic heritage and long, complex history is being celebrated by millions drinking ceremonial pints of beer.

A MAN is never more than 480 minutes from being able to neck pints of delicious, refreshing beer, it has emerged.