LABYRINTH has hit 40, while the knobheads who endlessly quote it turned 40 quite some years ago. It, and these children’s films, are apparently impossible to get over.
NONE of the advances in technology of the last half-century have made it any easier to enter text via a remote control.
THE UK’s lotharios have been notified that the England squad’s wives and girlfriends are hot and undefended 1,250 miles from the team’s base.
SICK deviants who use social media to prey on young people have asked you to consider their feelings during this difficult time.
GETTING older is a natural process and nothing to be ashamed of. And if you believe that, please exit the dating market and go to an open space to die.
OVERLONG hydration breaks during the World Cup are ruining the spontaneous flow and raw emotion of VAR.
UNDER-16s have explained that whether on social media or not, they will still be completely unbearable dickheads.
THE Scottish man two desks across is very clearly still inebriated which nobody has yet had the courage to mention.
Politics
CARS and homes were set ablaze by riots in Belfast last night. But for reasons some newspapers broadly approve of, which is why they get this spin.
AN elderly Belfast resident is chuckling at the relatively small scale of last night’s violence.
THE Makerfield by-election campaign means that once again, the UK is being forcibly exposed to the political opinions of bewildered troglodytes.
THE police acted incompetently in the Henry Nowak case, but opportunists have turned it into a bandwagon about two-tier, anti-white policing. Here’s who couldn’t wait to get on board.
VIOLENT twats who believe themselves to be helping are emphatically not helping, Britain has agreed.
Society
A SMALL child is allowed as much TV and tablet time as they like if they are watching an iconic BAFTA or Emmy-winning drama.
THE Bank of England has announced the 18-strong shortlist of beasts for British banknotes and the country is in uproar. Which will you go to war to be included?
TUITION fees and high-interest student loans have returned Britain’s universities to the domain of the wealthy and stupid, as they were intended to be.
YOUNG people are unable to get jobs, locked out of education and suffering poor mental health. But if we really try, can we find a way for it to be their fault?
UKRAINE, Gaza, Iran, Sudan, melting glaciers. But, through it all, you’ve remained in a nice house in Sussex eating crisps in your joggers. Here’s how to cope.
Lifestyle
A MAN’s attempt to treat himself to a solo sexual experience while on a business trip has foundered on his own lack of interest.
THE Spanish tourist board is encouraging Britons to visit this summer for a good chuckle at all those miserable because they cannot be in Dubai.
A WOMAN is subjecting herself to enormous stress over what she will wear for an upcoming wedding, irrespective of the fact nobody will notice.
WHEN events such as divorce, redundancy and disastrous tweakments befall other people it’s natural to be excited. Here’s how to yap about it without sounding too pleased.
SPONTANEITY is limited to people who have the financial means to go on exciting adventures at the last minute, it has emerged.
A 18-YEAR-OLD who has made no effort to find any kind of job has decided his unemployment is down to global economic factors far beyond his control.
Relationships
YOUNG Britons are entering into three-way romantic and sexual relationships because they are a great way to keep rent and bills down.
A 45-YEAR-OLD who exclusively dates women in their 20s while claiming they are ‘emotionally mature’ does not seem to have any male friends of that age.
THAT sickly, ingratiating grin isn’t for everyone. It isn’t for you. It seems to specifically be for women employed to serve him, like these.
A MAN who wanted to avoid the awkwardness of turning a woman down after their first date achieved the same result by having sex with her instead.
A MAN has nodded through a 60-minute monologue from his girlfriend on how they need to sit down and have a proper talk about their relationship.
WANT to terminate a relationship abruptly? Say any of the following and you’ll never see him again.
Science & Technology
THE only age it is healthy and useful for anyone to have a phone is 22, it has been confirmed.
POPULAR T-shirt manufacturer Nasa is racing China to land a manned flight on the lunar surface. What do they expect to find there?
ONCE it was the next big thing, now you can’t even Freecycle it. Were you one of the visionaries who bought a piece of the future that turned out to be a dusty piece of crap?
CAMERON, Ezra, Hector? 22 reasons why you’re emotionally dead and need therapy, Mark. Become size eight. A woman’s Notes app offers regrettable insights.
IS this a spam email, or is it a genuine offer from Elon Musk to send you frozen sperm to birth yet more of his legion of children? You decide!
A MAN cannot help but admit that a clickbait headline has done an incredible job of piquing his fickle interest.
Arts & Entertainment
GOSH, this is just such amazing news, isn’t it? I’m the new James Bond! Me, the posh Fleabag woman! And I've got some brilliant ideas for the script!
A YOUTUBER turned filmmaker’s successful debut feature means tens of thousands of teenagers now believe they can do the same, wrongly.
CERTAIN fictional universes have been so polluted with mediocre new content you’re wondering what you ever saw in them. Such as these.
JEREMY Clarkson has made such a success of his farm that in his new series he engages in sexual congress with a sheep so nobody notices.
HEADPHONES in the office? But real, good music too distracting? These meticulous peddlers of dullness have created oeuvres with your eight-hour shift in mind.
Celebrity
YEAH, it’s over between me, Ethan Slater the Munchkin from Wicked, and elfin Ariana. Honestly it’s a relief. This is what I’ve had to put with for three years.
ANDREW Mountbatten-Windsor, who remains beloved by his public, has somehow been on the wrong end of a right twatting. But who could have done it? We investigate.
YES, I’ve been sticking my oar in again, but that’s fine because I’m an expert on Britain from surfing the internet while high. Here’s what I've learned.
DUA Lipa is off the market. But do not let that deter you, an overweight man in Reading, from your quest to land a hot, high-earning pop princess. All these are still available.
TOM Hardy has been dismissed from hit drama MobLand, which is on a channel you do not watch and have never heard of. But why? We make up the reasons.
Work
AN office arsehole has greeted the end of the May heatwave by saying ‘Hope you enjoyed summer,’ and the worst of it is that he may well be correct.
IT’S only a matter of hours until office chat turns to what people are doing at the weekend. But probably keep these plans to yourself.
ALL homeworkers are completing their allotted tasks and attending meetings entirely naked, they have confirmed.
YOUR middle-aged co-worker who confidently opines on any subject he does not understand has begun stating everything is ‘probably AI’.
THE grovelling sentences a man comes out with when writing a covering letter disgust him to his core, it has emerged.
A 32-YEAR-OLD man has been forced to confront the fact that, as well as a mortgage and back pain triggered by sleeping the wrong way, he also has a crush.
Alcohol
NEW research has found making a train journey in Britain can be survived and even enjoyed if the passenger has drunk enough.
CHILDREN are disturbing heavy-drinking adults at their serious work of getting shitfaced, so should they be given pubs of their own?
IRELAND’S proud Celtic heritage and long, complex history is being celebrated by millions drinking ceremonial pints of beer.
A MAN is never more than 480 minutes from being able to neck pints of delicious, refreshing beer, it has emerged.
