THAT Nadim Zahawi? I get where he’s coming from, mate. Because just like him, I’m backing Reform for government because no f**ker would elevate me to the Lords.

THE prime minister has announced that, in order to demolish Reform’s lead in polling, he too is defecting to Reform.

THE EU is demanding a Farage clause be inserted in any trade deal, and the UK is demanding the following Farage clauses be inserted now that’s an option.

IT is impossible to predict Donald Trump’s actions except by working out what is easy to do that he will personally gain prestige or money from, according to political observers.

A WOMAN with a head shaped like a perfect black square is outraged to have her identity exposed by the release of the Epstein files.

LINGUISTS, HR departments and men named Steve have confirmed that the following words are technically compliments in the same way a pat on the head is. Avoid these.

COTSWOLD Council is facing a backlash from residents forced to use roads and pavements cleared with normal, non-boutique salt. 

A GROUP of mums on a housing estate in a deprived area are aggressively questioning the motives of a snowman playing with kids.

RECEIVED a hand-delivered Christmas card and wondering who the hell sent it? These methods to identify the culprits could set your minds to rest.

A PENSIONER has once again spent Christmas alone because he has alienated everyone in his life by being a bastard, it has emerged.

A COUPLE of top-tier tools have f**ked up royally by giving birth to a baby on Christmas Day, of all the f**king days.

ARE you desperate for attention on the internet? Thousands of people are constantly posting shit that never happened, so here’s how to make sure your dubious tale gets likes.

AMBER snow warnings have been issued for the UK, which sounds scary. But car journeys need not be hazardous with these simple precautions and a willingness to eat human flesh.

NO-ONE wants to look as if they're selling sexual services at a New Year's gathering, so if you're a woman paranoid about her outfit use our checklist.

STAYING awake to witness one year transition to the next is a gruelling marathon that will never end when done with children under ten, parents agree.

YOU thought AI understood you and knew your likes and dislikes. But your faith in your new digital best friend was shaken when it got you these gifts.

CHRISTMAS is almost upon us and you’ve got everything in except, hang on, you just need this one item and Tesco is open until 7pm. What is it?

AN American football star is in an odd legal wrangle over his ex-wife claiming his penis was too big. But what man hasn’t wondered if he’s mightily endowed? Take our test and find out.

WOMEN worldwide are struggling to comprehend how two men have amicably agreed to no longer be friends with no emotional fallout whatsoever.

BABE, I know you’re concerned about why you never appear on my Insta. So I want to address this transparently to reassure you while continuing to seem unattached.

NOT sure if the woman who agreed to be with you for the rest of your life fancies you? Look out for these telltale signs.

TINDER has rolled out a seasonal desperation mode to connect users who are anxious to get laid by the first of January.

THE wonderful, embracing decision to invite a son’s boyfriend for a Christmas meal has been spoiled by said boyfriend being an arsehole.

FAKE images of undressed women are why technology exists, but are they better than an actual woman? Tech reviewer Tom Logan road-tested both.

THE latest item of the recent past disinterred and fetishised by Gen Z bellends is the enormous brick telephone of the 1980s.

NEW Year means nudification to Elon Musk’s deranged AI stripping women on social media. If you need to see ladies in bikinis, these are more dignified than using Grok.

NOT sure if the worst ideas you’ve ever had are in fact brilliant? Your supportive friend ChatGPT is here to endorse them.

AUSTRALIAN teens are the first demographic to be banned from social media, but they shouldn’t be the last. These six have no right to intrude on your evening doomscroll.

NOEL Gallagher has confirmed he will draw on the similarities between James Bond and their own fans in new Bond theme ‘Fighting While Pissed’.

JANUARY? Depressed? These self-pitying acts unable to see past their own dejected noses will provide the perfect soundtrack for your gloom.

A MAN who is home alone watching Jools Holland’s Hootenanny on New Year’s Eve has begun masturbating as a challenge to himself to sink even lower.

A BOY who had his heart set on getting dry markers and ugly paints for Christmas is amazed to find them under the Christmas tree.

CHRIS Rea, the Middlesbrough-born singer-songwriter who wanted to be known for his more serious work, has departed this life at exactly the wrong time for that.

BROOKLYN Beckham is lining up a long, long period of regret for himself for when his wife divorces him, observers believe.

MALE? Perplexed by persistent speculation as to why Timothée Chalamet and Kylie Jenner, two young, attractive, vapid people are dating? Your questions answered.

I CAN'T say 2025 was a great year, but I'll be doing my best to recreate some of the good times I had back in the day with good old Jeff.

KING Charles is to instruct the nation to look around at their family, decide who the bastard is and send them into exile in Norfolk.

PORTRAYING me as the world’s worst person is lazy journalism. These people are way worse because they don’t practise what they preach.

THOUGHT just being aware of mental health was enough? No. These are the uniquely detrimental generational challenges that you, as my employer, should be considering.

YOU’RE back in the office, and your colleagues are so consistently annoying it feels as if you’ve never been away. Here is the tiresome behaviour you can expect today.

A YEAR of simmering flirtation, suggestive Slack messages and provocatively reloaded printers spectacularly detonated last night at the Wexford Consulting Christmas event.

ARE you the one grafting all the way through the festive period? Want everyone to know it? These lines will leave nobody in any doubt as to how vitally important you are.

AGREED to the office Secret Santa and were handed an entirely unfamiliar name? And now you’ve got to buy them a present? Consider these cursory gifts.

A FATHER explaining to his sons that he coupled school with 13 hours of twilight manual labour a week has realised in hindsight how bizarre that was.

A MAN who has sworn off drinking this month has clarified that it only counts as drinking if it is in the pub, for God’s sake.

I WISH to make it clear that I do not hate pubs, in fact I am a huge fan of these places you like. How boring would life be without a lovely pint of Wife Beater and a game of ‘arrows’?

AN OFFICE manager has been invited to buy his round at this week’s office Christmas party and then leave so everybody can hate him.

CHRISTMAS is coming, yet unaccountably all our Christmas songs fail to mention the unstinting alcohol abuse which is the hallmark of the season. That can be fixed.