THE prime minister is genuinely touched that his colleagues wrote the most generic of messages in his leaving card, he has revealed.

AN astute voter in Clacton-on-Sea has a hunch that Count Binface might not actually be from the planet Sigma IX.

COUNT Binface is clearly the favourite to win the Clacton by-election. But it is impossible to rule out a surprise result with candidates of this calibre standing.

NOT watching England get knocked out by Argentina this evening? Here’s how to enjoy a country where everyone else is busy.

RESEARCH has found there is no correlation between giving teachers expensive end-of-year gifts and academic performance so parents should not waste their money.

PATRIOTS have been banned from painting a 60ft England flag on the side of a building just because they are planning to use human blood for the red bits.

LOOKING for a parcel that’s allegedly arrived? Don't worry. I, your humble and innovative delivery driver, have left it in one of these clever places.

STRUGGLING to tell the difference between a multi-millionaire former London trader-cum-MP and the establishment? Know your enemy with this guide.

A MEMBER of an ethnic minority who bastardised his name into a single, easy-to-pronounce syllable has been lifted into the air by his gammon colleagues.

LONG-TERM unemployment means playing the long game. And while all you suckers have been buying houses, cars and holidays, my grift has paid off big-time.

A 52-YEAR-OLD man has admitted he cannot purchase anything costing upwards of £99 online unless sitting soberly in front of a laptop computer.

MY sex problem is incredibly shocking and also hot, but to read about it in today’s Daily Mail you’ll have to click on the link. Do it now – there might be tits and cocks!

LONDONERS tired of Manchester’s arrogant attitude and its residents’ belief the world revolves around them are keen to remind it that other places exist.

A PROFESSIONAL tarot reader has a sixth sense that her client’s life is in disarray because she is putting her life choices in the hands of a stranger with a pack of cards.

OPENED the door in stockings and suspenders, only for him to shoulder past asking which cupboard the crisps are in? Use these excuses for why you’re in a lacy set.

THE heartwarming story of how your grandfather wooed your grandmother has you considering whether to report him to the police.

A MAN who was impressed by how quietly his girlfriend was able to have sex while staying at his parents’ house is now worried instead.

A MAN was astonished to find that women’s profiles on dating apps contain useful information about them once you scroll past the first photo.

A COUPLE seem to be pretending they did not get pissed and do outrageously dirty things to each other last night.

A DESPICABLE bastard of a boyfriend is on thin ice after being openly unsure if the person his partner is telling an anecdote about is an obviously malevolent idiot.

DONALD Trump has made at least $1 billion from cryptocurrency, it has emerged. So who better to give advice on putting your money into this risky and complex investment?

NONE of the advances in technology of the last half-century have made it any easier to enter text via a remote control.

SICK deviants who use social media to prey on young people have asked you to consider their feelings during this difficult time.

UNDER-16s have explained that whether on social media or not, they will still be completely unbearable dickheads.

THE only age it is healthy and useful for anyone to have a phone is 22, it has been confirmed.

POPULAR T-shirt manufacturer Nasa is racing China to land a manned flight on the lunar surface. What do they expect to find there?

EVERYONE loves Bonnie Tyler belting out Total Eclipse of the Heart, but Gen Z should be warned that 80s soft rock is not a safe space. These songs are why.

THE Odyssey, a proud story of white men’s heroism, has been totally ruined by a woke film adaptation. Let me tell it how Homer did, six Stellas in.

WHEN your career’s based on your shocking youth, it can make still flogging it around arenas as a sexagenarian tough. These acts are balancing age and dignity.

IT’S genuinely amazing what people will overlook if you can churn out decent songs. Why don’t more music fans care about these atrocities?

CONFUSED as to why public demand for tickets to see the Bayeux Tapestry in the UK is so high? Learn about its importance with this guide.

A PODCAST has quickly got down to the subject it is ostensibly about a mere 17 minutes into its runtime.

WOULD it be wrong to use blood harvested from the late Sam Neill to create an entire island of cloned Sam Neills as a tourist attraction? We debate.

TAYLOR Swift is contemplating just how many hit songs would come from cancelling her wedding just before it happened.

THE Princess of Wales has announced that if she has to climb three peaks in 24 hours just to get away from the f**king kids, that is what she will do.

SHE doesn’t know why she hates them, but she does. These celebrities are subject to decades-long maternal vendettas beyond any understanding.

YEAH, it’s over between me, Ethan Slater the Munchkin from Wicked, and elfin Ariana. Honestly it’s a relief. This is what I’ve had to put with for three years.

NATO Secretary-General Mark Rutte and shy Reform UK donor George Cottrell have called other men ‘Daddy’ in professional settings, so should you?

THE boss of a company has informed staff of his intention to do an endurance challenge and received no follow-up questions from anyone.

CO-WORKER bigging up the thrill of watching last night’s match live in their local when you suspect they only saw the score when they woke up? Catch them out.

COLLEAGUES in their 50s are making unexplained references to something called Um Bongo triggered by tonight’s England game against DR Congo.

STAFF who will find any excuse to have a few drinks after work strangely never celebrate employee of the month awards, it has emerged.

A TRAINEE bartender who asks questions like ‘sorry, what’s a Guinness?’ cannot wait to serve thirsty patrons during his shift covering this evening’s England’s match.

HE’S been sitting there all evening and you know, and he knows you know, it’s his round. Use these ways to gently point it out to the scrounging bastard.

I READ Keir Starmer is allowing pubs to open until 5am on Monday morning to show the England game. Am I extending my hours? Am I f**k.

NEW research has found making a train journey in Britain can be survived and even enjoyed if the passenger has drunk enough.

CHILDREN are disturbing heavy-drinking adults at their serious work of getting shitfaced, so should they be given pubs of their own?

IRELAND’S proud Celtic heritage and long, complex history is being celebrated by millions drinking ceremonial pints of beer.