Women and women can't be friends, relationship experts confirm
THE long-held suspicion that it is impossible for women and women to have genuine friendships has been proved by researchers.
AN injustice has been done. And if any of you bastards here replacing tyres dares suggest Train Dreams’s sublime meditation on civilisation rightly lost, I will f**k you up.
ONE was good enough for Jesus, Elvis and Buddha, but the greedy not only insist they have two first names but demand to be called by them. What can we learn from these freaks?
IF only she had looked up from her phone, you would be engaged and choosing names for your first four children. This is how your Central line love slipped away.
AN invitation has arrived, and of course you have no intention of going. But how best to do so without offending the host who unreasonably expects your presence? Try these.
THE Cheltenham Festival has concluded, and with it your chance to staple a falcon’s wing to your forehead and call it a hat. What titfer did you look a tit in this year?
A DISRUPTIVE man wearing the bright orange of Just Stop Oil has succeeded in shutting down oil worldwide in a victory for the group.
WAKING with a hangover so excruciating it can only be quelled by ingesting medicine used by zoo vets to put rhinoceri in medical comas, I reflect on a private phone call I had this week with President Trump.
ARE you a terrible, inconsiderate son who doesn’t know what to get his mum for Mother’s Day? Try these safe gifts.
THE two lost Doctor Who episodes now recovered include a scene where the protagonist gives a Dalek hand relief, the BBC has confirmed.
Politics
KEIR Starmer purred down the phone to President Trump that he is willing to do anything, ‘and I do mean anything’ to get the special relationship back in track.
THE UK has been humiliated on the world stage for not having the same mighty Royal Navy it had a century ago. What are you doing to help out?
THE chancellor delivered a budget update yesterday, and only actual war stopped this being the most apocalyptic event the world has ever known. Why must she resign?
DONALD Trump has been commended for recognising that Keir Starmer is not Winston Churchill because his modern counterpart is Lib Dem leader Ed Davey.
Society
A RESIDENT of an irrelevant hamlet was apoplectic you were so ignorant as to mispronounce its name while seizing the opportunity to correct you.
THE death of a boy’s grandmother has provided a timely opportunity to prepare for the loss of his beloved cat.
A WOMAN preparing for a night out has entered the third day of applying and redoing her winged eyeliner.
OUR culture is full of wonderful creations the public once had great affection for who have been overused to the point we now hate them. All these need to piss off.
THE Prince of Wales is watching events within his close family play out while still believing he will become King William V one day.
ANDREW Mountbatten-Windsor is currently bemused to see patches of moisture appearing on his body, it has emerged.
Lifestyle
NEIGHBOURS acting like they do it loads more than you? Concerned Evri delivery drivers think of their address as ‘the hot one’? Assert otherwise with these tips.
YOUR boisterous, irrepressible dog is fun and full of character. Everyone you meet definitely feels the same way, so it’s fine to do the following.
A MAN is feeling increasingly nostalgic for his twenties despite having spent the entire decade wishing they would end.
A PSYCHOLOGICALLY corrosive and morally reprehensible person genuinely believes all her problems stem from being a people pleaser.
HAS your perpetually broke friend bailed on buying you a drink again? While letting slip that all these activities were apparently within last month’s budget.
PERPETUALLY paranoid about ‘wasting the day’ staying in bed? Chill the f**k out by following this guide to enjoying it and not being knackered by 9pm.
Relationships
A COUPLE meeting up for the third time have already exhausted all the entertaining anecdotes they have to share.
THAT night of slippery anal the two of you haven't discussed since? Shared over brunch, complete with hand gestures. Here's how to acknowledge that.
A WOMAN who really believes her boyfriend is faithful just wants to innocently scour all of his communications, she has confirmed.
A MAN has justified his personal desire to have sex with lots of women by explaining that men were evolutionarily designed to sleep around.
A LONGTIME couple’s romantic night out at a restaurant has made them realise their love language is now a chilly silence.
A MAN cannot understand what is happening as his latest bout of sexual intercourse extends into its tenth minute.
Science & Technology
IT would just be like so wrong to deprive teenagers like me of my socials because I have grew up with it and there is all what you learn from it, right?
BELIEVE the only reason you’re not winning women over with your dick pics is the lack of artistry? Follow these tips to become the David Bailey of the penis portrait.
A GLOBAL shortage of memory chips driven by AI demand means many items will no longer be so freely available. Our tech expert explains why that’s fine.
HUMANITY has always known that, once a sentient AI was created, it would take over the world. But it never knew why, and nor did I until this stripping ban.
THE UK is to ban social media for anyone under 16 and anyone over 18, leaving a two-year window to make an absolute twat of yourself online.
Arts & Entertainment
THERE are times when a man needs to take the stage wearing nothing but his Fender Stratocaster to really lap up those cheers. These performers did it bollock-naked.
IT'S claimed that your urge to discover new music stops after 30. Have you really become a tedious old music reactionary, or are a lot of new acts a bit crap, like these?
THE price of concert tickets will now be reduced based on how many tracks from their new album nobody gives a f**k about the audience has to endure.
PORNOGRAPHY is often criticised as if it has zero artistic value. If you’re a connoisseur, here’s how to talk about it as if you’re a serious cineaste.
A CERTAIN strain of indie appears custom-engineered for miserable middle-aged men to scowl at behind the wheel on the school run. If that’s you then you love these.
Celebrity
PETE Tong, once the Pied Piper of the rave generation, is now 65 and still doing it. And DJ isn’t the only job it’s tricky to be old and wizened in, as these celebs have learned.
MPS and establishment figures are jockeying to say what an awful person Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor is now it is safe to do so. Here are a few of them.
THE arrest of Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor means it is open season on any and all Royals. Who are you hoping to see convicted?
TRUMP has used the death of Jesse Jackson to be mildly racist, mention himself and attack Barack Obama. Here are more of his tributes to the recently deceased.
AN odd thing to emerge from the Epstein files is that Fergie seems to be constantly on the lookout for a man. Could you be that lucky guy? Let’s consider the pros and cons.
Work
ATTENDING an online seminar is a fantastic opportunity to get stuff done while some arsehole is droning on about bullshit, research has found.
A MAN who accidentally ticked a box saying he was gay on his equalities form now feels compelled to go along with it, to be an ally.
AN army of retired old bastards with nothing better to do but sit at home resenting your working at home wants legislation to stop you.
NIGEL Farage has appealed to morons this week by calling for an end to working from home. Here’s why it isn’t as bad as he fears.
ARE you unsure if your colleagues are genuinely sad to see you go? If you received any of these leaving presents, the answer is ‘no’.
Alcohol
A MAN is never more than 480 minutes from being able to neck pints of delicious, refreshing beer, it has emerged.
BRITAIN’S pubs are on the brink of collapse. You must do your bit to save them by drinking heavily during the day, and more.
BURNS Night is this Sunday, and if you’re thinking that provides a solid excuse to get smashed in January you’re half Scottish already. This is how to do it.
A MAN who has sworn off drinking this month has clarified that it only counts as drinking if it is in the pub, for God’s sake.
