BEING snubbed for the Nobel Peace Prize has prompted Trump to become a dedicated warmonger. This is how he’d cope with losing out on other accolades.

A CONSERVATIVE MP who defected to Reform has observed the lack of reaction and swiftly defected back again.

THE prime minister has confirmed that President Trump accidentally called him over the weekend for a tough discussion about US-UK relations.

COME one! Come all! See the largest collection of venal turncoats disliked by the British electorate one can ever imagine!

THAT Nadim Zahawi? I get where he’s coming from, mate. Because just like him, I’m backing Reform for government because no f**ker would elevate me to the Lords.

IN turbulent times, one 82-year-old is bucking modern trends of racial and xenophobic hatred by reserving his ire for one specific group: the French.

LINGUISTS, HR departments and men named Steve have confirmed that the following words are technically compliments in the same way a pat on the head is. Avoid these.

COTSWOLD Council is facing a backlash from residents forced to use roads and pavements cleared with normal, non-boutique salt. 

A GROUP of mums on a housing estate in a deprived area are aggressively questioning the motives of a snowman playing with kids.

RECEIVED a hand-delivered Christmas card and wondering who the hell sent it? These methods to identify the culprits could set your minds to rest.

NEW hobbies, sports and joining bloody book clubs are proposed as cures for the January blues, but what about an innovative new approach to self-pleasuring? Give these a go.

LOOK, I just think it’s unfair I’m suddenly the bad guy when you never said, in clear terms: ‘Please don’t walk around the flat stark bollock naked like a Victorian asylum patient.’

MARRIAGE isn’t the same for men as women. There isn’t the same trust. Which is why I, as all men should, keep £20k hidden from my wife for emergency shagging.

THE whole nation is approaching the midpoint of a very successful Dry January, if referring to sex only.

ARE you desperate for attention on the internet? Thousands of people are constantly posting shit that never happened, so here’s how to make sure your dubious tale gets likes.

AMBER snow warnings have been issued for the UK, which sounds scary. But car journeys need not be hazardous with these simple precautions and a willingness to eat human flesh.

A 30-YEAR-OLD man has admitted he is going through a slutty phase right now. 

A WOMAN of 35 who once relished being seduced by older men has an entirely different view now she is competing for their affections against 20somethings.

AN American football star is in an odd legal wrangle over his ex-wife claiming his penis was too big. But what man hasn’t wondered if he’s mightily endowed? Take our test and find out.

WOMEN worldwide are struggling to comprehend how two men have amicably agreed to no longer be friends with no emotional fallout whatsoever.

BABE, I know you’re concerned about why you never appear on my Insta. So I want to address this transparently to reassure you while continuing to seem unattached.

NOT sure if the woman who agreed to be with you for the rest of your life fancies you? Look out for these telltale signs.

HUMANITY has always known that, once a sentient AI was created, it would take over the world. But it never knew why, and nor did I until this stripping ban.

THE UK is to ban social media for anyone under 16 and anyone over 18, leaving a two-year window to make an absolute twat of yourself online.

FAKE images of undressed women are why technology exists, but are they better than an actual woman? Tech reviewer Tom Logan road-tested both.

THE latest item of the recent past disinterred and fetishised by Gen Z bellends is the enormous brick telephone of the 1980s.

NEW Year means nudification to Elon Musk’s deranged AI stripping women on social media. If you need to see ladies in bikinis, these are more dignified than using Grok.

NOT sure if the worst ideas you’ve ever had are in fact brilliant? Your supportive friend ChatGPT is here to endorse them.

IDLY listening to music when you realise the gasps and moans enacted by clothed women in recording studios are more believable than last night’s performance? She should study these.

A MAN in his mid-40s is enjoying a gig by dancing with his arms firmly crossed, it has emerged.

TRAITORS fans, chasing a buzz in Dry January, have convinced themselves all this year’s cast are secretly connected. These perfectly sensible theories explain how.

NOEL Gallagher has confirmed he will draw on the similarities between James Bond and their own fans in new Bond theme ‘Fighting While Pissed’.

JANUARY? Depressed? These self-pitying acts unable to see past their own dejected noses will provide the perfect soundtrack for your gloom.

A MAN who is home alone watching Jools Holland’s Hootenanny on New Year’s Eve has begun masturbating as a challenge to himself to sink even lower.

LIKE many men, I am expert in hearing what my wife says and later, without consultation, voicing all her views as if they were always and forever mine own. Here’s how.

HAS someone close to you been brainwashed into worshipping TV presenter Richard Osman, believing he’s an infallible genius polymath? Here’s how to stage an intervention.

BROOKLYN Beckham is lining up a long, long period of regret for himself for when his wife divorces him, observers believe.

MALE? Perplexed by persistent speculation as to why Timothée Chalamet and Kylie Jenner, two young, attractive, vapid people are dating? Your questions answered.

I CAN'T say 2025 was a great year, but I'll be doing my best to recreate some of the good times I had back in the day with good old Jeff.

A WOMAN has made up a feline scapegoat to blame for any personal noises or interruptions when in meetings with co-workers.

THOUGHT just being aware of mental health was enough? No. These are the uniquely detrimental generational challenges that you, as my employer, should be considering.

YOU’RE back in the office, and your colleagues are so consistently annoying it feels as if you’ve never been away. Here is the tiresome behaviour you can expect today.

A YEAR of simmering flirtation, suggestive Slack messages and provocatively reloaded printers spectacularly detonated last night at the Wexford Consulting Christmas event.

ARE you the one grafting all the way through the festive period? Want everyone to know it? These lines will leave nobody in any doubt as to how vitally important you are.

AGREED to the office Secret Santa and were handed an entirely unfamiliar name? And now you’ve got to buy them a present? Consider these cursory gifts.

A MAN who has sworn off drinking this month has clarified that it only counts as drinking if it is in the pub, for God’s sake.

I WISH to make it clear that I do not hate pubs, in fact I am a huge fan of these places you like. How boring would life be without a lovely pint of Wife Beater and a game of ‘arrows’?

AN OFFICE manager has been invited to buy his round at this week’s office Christmas party and then leave so everybody can hate him.

CHRISTMAS is coming, yet unaccountably all our Christmas songs fail to mention the unstinting alcohol abuse which is the hallmark of the season. That can be fixed.