Man trapped inside pair of skinny fit jeans
A 32-YEAR-OLD man has spent the last three hours trapped inside a pair of super-skinny jeans in a changing room.
Which tw*ts are coming to your school reunion?
IT’S traditional for school reunions to only be attended by people you didn’t like. So which t*ssers from the past can you expect to see?
Revving of car engine makes woman fall helplessly in love
A WOMAN has fallen head-over-heels in love with the driver of a hot hatchback who revved his car at traffic lights.
Which Tory MP is the gimp prowler of Somerset?
THE gimp-suited prowler of Somerset’s identity remains a mystery but, let’s face it, he or she will be a Conservative MP. But which?
Ocado drivers more effective at blocking roads than Extinction Rebellion
CLIMATE activists trying to paralyse cities by blocking roads and causing traffic jams could learn a lot from Ocado delivery drivers, it has emerged.
The upper-class guide to Brexit
THEY are taking their damn time about it, but Brexit is due to take place later this year. But how will it barely affect the upper classes?
Six phrases that instantly single you out as an absolute b*llend
MET someone who believes ‘gin o’clock!’ is the last word in wit? What a great timesaver to discovering they’re a tedious c*ck. Watch out for these:
Five films from your childhood to screw up your kids with
DO you think it’s only fair that your kids should suffer through the films that traumatised you as a child?
Is saying ‘Go back to your own country’ racist or are you f**king kidding me?
IS telling someone non-white to go back to their own country, as President Trump did, racist or are you seriously asking that question?
Holding up traffic best part of tractor driver’s day
A TRACTOR driver holding up a long queue of traffic on an A-road has admitted he is absolutely f**king loving it.
Kids sent home from school with whole year’s worth of sh*t
CHILDREN are unexpectedly appearing at the school gates with a full year’s worth of books, artwork, homework and all the other crap, parents have confirmed.
Self-help book really giving woman the confidence to bang on about her problems
A POP psychology book has really helped a woman unburden herself of her trivial, tedious problems to everyone she meets.
Exorcism casts vegan cheese straight back to hell
VEGAN cheese has been cast back into the hell from which it was spawned from, exorcists have confirmed.
Wetherspoons to replace foreign beers with bags of glue
JD Wetherspoons has confirmed that it will be removing all foreign drinks from its pubs and replacing them with proper British bags of sniffing glue.
People who don’t like cricket are wrong, say experts
CRICKET is brilliant and if you disagree you are less than a buffoon, according to experts.
Office worker having lovely day off in office
AN office worker has taken a much needed day off for rest and relaxation within the confines of his office.
Are you a far-right extremist or were you just picked last for football in school?
FILLED with hate? Directing it at vulnerable targets? You could be a neo-Nazi, or you could be kicking out at the world because Darren Jackson always got picked before you at football.
Eco-friendly couple discover their marriage is disposable
A COUPLE who are strict vegans, wear upcycled clothing and go on holiday by train have realised their marriage is toxic and disposable.
Cricket fans ready to trash Waitrose if England win World Cup
CRICKET fans are threatening to rampage through Waitrose, Cath Kidston and SpaceNK wreaking havoc if England win today’s World Cup.
How to justify your long-haul holiday to your socially conscious friends
SPENDING thousands on a fancy summer holiday but worried about being looked down on by your sanctimonious friends? Here’s how to get away with it.
