Most children don't really need to go to school, say experts

THE majority of British children should be excused school as it is a waste of their and society’s time, say experts.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on… enjoying Wonderwall for the 10,000th time, Noel?

WAKING with a hangover the size of Hampshire, I clear my system by vomiting copiously from an upstairs window, which drenches a passerby but calms my stomach magnificently, and reflect upon the week’s events. 

Man going to Greece for holiday learning how to speak English louder

A MAN heading to Athens for his summer holiday is brushing up on how to speak English slowly and more loudly.

My reference to 'secrets' in Epstein letter was to the secret levels on Tony Hawk's Underground, explains Trump

DONALD Trump has explained the ‘secret’ he and Jeffrey Epstein shared was how to unlock Shrek as a playable character on Tony Hawk’s Underground.

We have always been passionate about vaping, Fortnite and drip, by Kemi Badenoch
AFTER a hard day being Tory leader, there’s nothing I like more than to chillax with a mango ice vape, some Charlie XXX and spawning into a nice relaxing game of Fortnite. I find it very nang.
Patties like beer mats and chips from f**king sweet potatoes: The gammon food critic's smash burger bar experience

NOBODY knows their burgers like us Brits. They're a homegrown national institution, like pizzas and curry. Except these days everyone feels the need to reinvent the f**king wheel.

Setting up a full outdoor kitchen, and other ways to piss off fellow campers at a festival

ARE you setting up tables, chairs and a six-ring gas hob in very limited space at a summer festival? You’re probably being a dick in these ways too.

If someone removed the whip from me I'd be f**king delighted, by an office worker

SO Starmer’s removed the whip from four of his MPs, meaning no nasty bastard threatening them if they don’t follow orders? Is anyone else not seeing a downside?

How we faked the whole Epstein scandal to screw Trump. By Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama

DONALD Trump has claimed the entire Epstein scandal is a hoax by Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. Here they explain how they pulled off this incredible feat of deception.

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Politics

France vs Rwanda: Which will stop the boats?

TWO deals with foreign countries were made to stop boats of migrants coming to our shores. But which was best? We compare and contrast the two. 

We ask you: what are your fondest memories of the late Norman Tebbit?

YET another member of the beloved Thatcher cabinet we grew up with has passed on. How will you remember Norman Tebbit?

Who's definitely in the Epstein Files, by a gobshite down the pub

YOU know why they’ve lost that Epstein client list, don’t you? Trump’s all over it. And Prince Andy, of course, and Musk. Mine’s a pint and I’ll tell all.

Just tell me how much you want, says Reeves

RACHEL Reeves has asked Britain exactly how much money each of them wants to stop it.

Best thing to do when a colleague cries is to be an oblivious, unfeeling automaton, says Starmer

KEIR Starmer has shared his technique for dealing with emotional women or co-workers by ignoring them entirely and pretending it did not happen.

How to see a boob once porn sites roll out age checks: A guide for teenage boys
UNDER the age of 18 and worried how you’ll ever see funbags again when porn sites ask for age verification? Follow these simple steps.

Society

F**k you! We're off on a term-time holiday

ONE week to go until the end of summer term and go f**k yourself, schools! We’re off on a term-time holiday!

A practical guide to claiming all those lovely benefits it's so easy to get

ARE you furious about sickness benefits supposedly paying more than a job? Clearly it’s time to start claiming yourself since it’s so easy and lucrative. Here’s how.

Have you seen the twats on these f**king juries, says senior judge

A SENIOR judge has invited the public to look at the cretins and halfwits on the average jury and ask if they would like to be judged by them.

Smell of cannabis makes me feel unsafe, says wuss

A TOTAL f**king wuss has confessed the odour of cannabis makes him feel terribly unsafe and as if police should arrest everyone within a 500ft radius who is not him.

Shit town has hop-on, hop-off tour bus

THE objectively awful town of Skegness runs a hop-on, hop-off open-top bus service so people can tour its grim sights at their leisure.

The six best legal loopholes for a speeding fine you've made up yourself that won't work

BEEN slapped with a speeding fine? Convinced this is one of those laws that doesn't really count? Wriggle out of paying it with these clever excuses that will convince nobody.

Lifestyle

Holidays, breathing, feeling sad: Six things clever Gen Z have invented for us all

BEFORE Gen Z came along, life was devoid of pleasure, style and emotional nuance. Thank goodness they invented all these things completely by themselves.

Woman on Instagram really milking wedding photos from three years ago

A WOMAN is wringing every possible like out of her wedding photos by still posting them to Instagram three years after the fact.

'This was a mistake,' realises man who is at Glastonbury until Tuesday

JUST one hour into the Glastonbury festival, attendee Tom Booker has admitted it is ‘not for him’ with approximately 96 hours left to go.

First in at Glastonbury enjoying some pretty sweet bogs

THE first arrivals at Glastonbury are shitting with barely a tremor of revulsion, they have gleefully confirmed.

Lake District unveils new slogan 'The Lake District: never f**king worth it'

THE Lake District has unveiled a new advertising campaign reminding the public that travelling there is always to be regretted and never, ever pays off.

How to not send an email that risks 100,000 lives and costs £7 billion
WORRIED you might be about to send the most expensive and life-endangering email ever sent? But it’s 4.58pm? Here’s how to do the most basic checks.

Sport

Why going beyond the Wimbledon quarter-finals is gauche and un-British, by Tim Henman

BRITON Cameron Norrie has reached the quarter-finals of Wimbledon and, I trust, has the manners to go no further. For it is not our nation’s way.

How to survive Euro 2025 when you're bored with the Lionesses now: a guide for women

EURO 2025 kicks off today, but what if you're a woman who was briefly into football but now isn't really? Here's how to survive weeks of dutiful support.

Is Wimbledon the BBC's next hotbed of anti-Semitic chanting?

GLASTONBURY was a cesspit of anti-Semitism gleefully encouraged by the BBC, except everywhere that wasn’t the West Holts stage between 2.30pm and 3.30pm, Saturday. Is Wimbledon next?

Shit: football bouncing across park right towards you

AN URGENT report has confirmed that a football is bouncing across the park directly towards you and you are expected to return it.

Sycamore Gap prisoners confronted by group of oaks in showers
THE men who cut down the Sycamore Gap tree have been cornered by a copse of menacing oaks in the prison showers hissing ‘Where’s your chainsaw now?’

Science & Technology

iPhone convinced you want to commemorate Battle of the Boyne

YOUR iPhone has, for the 15th consecutive year, reminded you that all your other appointments come second to celebrating the Battle of the Boyne.

'There was a crumb in the cupboard': Online reviews by arseholes with insanely high expectations

ARE you an idiot with unrealistic expectations who loves finding things to moan about? You’re probably responsible for one of these online reviews…

Every school play hinges on either UV light, strobe light or smoke machine

EVERY play performed by a school revolves around the single piece of stage technology that school possesses, it has emerged.

Funny ties, and other Father's Day gifts now made sadly obsolete

TOKEN gifts for fathers were so easy in times gone by, when a Simpsons tie did the job perfunctorily enough for no messy emotions to be bared on either side. These were adequate.

Musk asking Grok how to unf**k his life

ELON Musk has turned to his AI chatbot for advice on how to reverse his fortunes, it has emerged.

I am outraged that the current government did this in 2022
JUST when you thought it couldn’t get any worse for Starmer, we find out that before he even took office he cleared thousands of Afghans to enter the UK.

Arts & Entertainment

Bruce Springsteen, and other artists who release far too much material

FANS of The Boss are still reeling after he dropped seven unreleased albums a fortnight ago. He and these artists need the locks changing on their f**king vaults.

How to get that middle-aged, two-pints-from-violence Oasis fan look: A guide for the young

SEEING Oasis live this weekend? Get the appropriate ‘pissed-up gobshite who’s mad for a fight’ look with this straightforward guide.

Walking doesn't cure terminal illness: The Salt Path fact-checked

INSPIRATIONAL memoir The Salt Path has been exposed as the conspicuous bullshit it was all along. These are the questions every middle-class reading group didn’t ask.

Woman not reading fairy porn for the world-building

A WOMAN on her third volume of fantasy-themed pornography would like to inform its author she is not here for the rich fairy world-building.

Wet Leg, and other indie bands whose novelty wore off fast
JUST because your band appeals to 6Music listeners doesn’t mean you’re more than a one-hit wonder. These bands found their fans’ loyalty did not stretch to a second album.

Business

Why nobody must be punished for the Post Office scandal, by anyone in any kind of power

THERE is loose talk of penance. Of ‘having to pay’. But as a person who has done well in life, I believe we cannot punish anyone involved in the Post Office scandal.

'Proposing to my girlfriend after a romantic dinner of Bombay Bad Boy': Readers share their treasured Poundland memories

POUNDLAND is closing 68 stores, leaving many Britons bereft without their beloved cheap shit retailer. They share their moving stories of how Poundland touched their lives.

Couple start business together because they're in love

A COUPLE who believe that anything is achievable when you’re in deeply in love are proving it by starting a business.

Grace Dent exposed as Grand Wizard of Ku Klux Klan
THE BBC is facing a fresh MasterChef controversy after it emerged that presenter Grace Dent is the Grand Wizard of the Alabama Ku Klux Klan.

Work

Charm of child on Zoom call rapidly dissipating

THE novelty of a toddler interrupting a professional Zoom call is waning fast, all participants confirmed.

How to get someone to f**k off away from your desk and let you work

THE key office skillset is not implementing core competencies or working the printer. It’s persuading twats to piss off back to their twat desks with twat bobbleheads on.

'Yeah, it'll be chill' says teenager about to work three 16-hour shifts at festival

A TEENAGER bragging that he is basically being paid to check out some cool bands is about to enter his own personal hell.

'Cool' teacher actually fully grown adult seeking approval of 15-year-olds

A TEACHER recognised by his pupils as ‘cool’ is actually a 28-year-old man desperate to be popular with children, it has emerged.

Man suddenly realises he could wank again

A MAN has brightened after realising that, despite his having masturbated already today, a second go is a distinct possibility.

Alcohol

We ask you: what event are you pairing with this weekend's alcohol?

BLAZING sun compels every Briton to indulge in alcohol at an event designed for same, whether called ‘Trudy’s wedding’ or ‘Glyndebourne’. What’s yours?

BuzzBallz: Your guide to surviving the unprecedented threat of 13.5% alcohol

A DANGEROUS new novelty drink, BuzzBallz, is sweeping the UK, the media has warned us. So is there any way to prevent this sherry-strength alcopop ruining your life? Try these measures.

Man begins pre-drinks for Oasis gig

MINDFUL that there are only 55 hours to go before the first gig of the Oasis reunion, a man has started on pre-drinks this afternoon.

Banning alcohol adverts to instantly stop UK getting pissed

A BAN on alcohol adverts is guaranteed to make the British public immediately stop drinking permanently, it is believed.

Swindon 18-year-old would have hired dwarves for Mafia-themed birthday party if he could
AN 18-YEAR-OLD in Swindon wishes he had hired party dwarves for a Mafia-themed birthday party like Lamine Yamal, but instead went bowling and to Nando’s.