TWO deals with foreign countries were made to stop boats of migrants coming to our shores. But which was best? We compare and contrast the two. 

YET another member of the beloved Thatcher cabinet we grew up with has passed on. How will you remember Norman Tebbit?

YOU know why they’ve lost that Epstein client list, don’t you? Trump’s all over it. And Prince Andy, of course, and Musk. Mine’s a pint and I’ll tell all.

RACHEL Reeves has asked Britain exactly how much money each of them wants to stop it.

KEIR Starmer has shared his technique for dealing with emotional women or co-workers by ignoring them entirely and pretending it did not happen.

ONE week to go until the end of summer term and go f**k yourself, schools! We’re off on a term-time holiday!

ARE you furious about sickness benefits supposedly paying more than a job? Clearly it’s time to start claiming yourself since it’s so easy and lucrative. Here’s how.

A SENIOR judge has invited the public to look at the cretins and halfwits on the average jury and ask if they would like to be judged by them.

A TOTAL f**king wuss has confessed the odour of cannabis makes him feel terribly unsafe and as if police should arrest everyone within a 500ft radius who is not him.

THE objectively awful town of Skegness runs a hop-on, hop-off open-top bus service so people can tour its grim sights at their leisure.

BEEN slapped with a speeding fine? Convinced this is one of those laws that doesn't really count? Wriggle out of paying it with these clever excuses that will convince nobody.

BEFORE Gen Z came along, life was devoid of pleasure, style and emotional nuance. Thank goodness they invented all these things completely by themselves.

A WOMAN is wringing every possible like out of her wedding photos by still posting them to Instagram three years after the fact.

JUST one hour into the Glastonbury festival, attendee Tom Booker has admitted it is ‘not for him’ with approximately 96 hours left to go.

THE first arrivals at Glastonbury are shitting with barely a tremor of revulsion, they have gleefully confirmed.

THE Lake District has unveiled a new advertising campaign reminding the public that travelling there is always to be regretted and never, ever pays off.

BRITON Cameron Norrie has reached the quarter-finals of Wimbledon and, I trust, has the manners to go no further. For it is not our nation’s way.

EURO 2025 kicks off today, but what if you're a woman who was briefly into football but now isn't really? Here's how to survive weeks of dutiful support.

GLASTONBURY was a cesspit of anti-Semitism gleefully encouraged by the BBC, except everywhere that wasn’t the West Holts stage between 2.30pm and 3.30pm, Saturday. Is Wimbledon next?

AN URGENT report has confirmed that a football is bouncing across the park directly towards you and you are expected to return it.

YOUR iPhone has, for the 15th consecutive year, reminded you that all your other appointments come second to celebrating the Battle of the Boyne.

ARE you an idiot with unrealistic expectations who loves finding things to moan about? You’re probably responsible for one of these online reviews…

EVERY play performed by a school revolves around the single piece of stage technology that school possesses, it has emerged.

TOKEN gifts for fathers were so easy in times gone by, when a Simpsons tie did the job perfunctorily enough for no messy emotions to be bared on either side. These were adequate.

ELON Musk has turned to his AI chatbot for advice on how to reverse his fortunes, it has emerged.

FANS of The Boss are still reeling after he dropped seven unreleased albums a fortnight ago. He and these artists need the locks changing on their f**king vaults.

SEEING Oasis live this weekend? Get the appropriate ‘pissed-up gobshite who’s mad for a fight’ look with this straightforward guide.

INSPIRATIONAL memoir The Salt Path has been exposed as the conspicuous bullshit it was all along. These are the questions every middle-class reading group didn’t ask.

A WOMAN on her third volume of fantasy-themed pornography would like to inform its author she is not here for the rich fairy world-building.

THERE is loose talk of penance. Of ‘having to pay’. But as a person who has done well in life, I believe we cannot punish anyone involved in the Post Office scandal.

POUNDLAND is closing 68 stores, leaving many Britons bereft without their beloved cheap shit retailer. They share their moving stories of how Poundland touched their lives.

A COUPLE who believe that anything is achievable when you’re in deeply in love are proving it by starting a business.

THE novelty of a toddler interrupting a professional Zoom call is waning fast, all participants confirmed.

THE key office skillset is not implementing core competencies or working the printer. It’s persuading twats to piss off back to their twat desks with twat bobbleheads on.

A TEENAGER bragging that he is basically being paid to check out some cool bands is about to enter his own personal hell.

A TEACHER recognised by his pupils as ‘cool’ is actually a 28-year-old man desperate to be popular with children, it has emerged.

A MAN has brightened after realising that, despite his having masturbated already today, a second go is a distinct possibility.

BLAZING sun compels every Briton to indulge in alcohol at an event designed for same, whether called ‘Trudy’s wedding’ or ‘Glyndebourne’. What’s yours?

A DANGEROUS new novelty drink, BuzzBallz, is sweeping the UK, the media has warned us. So is there any way to prevent this sherry-strength alcopop ruining your life? Try these measures.

MINDFUL that there are only 55 hours to go before the first gig of the Oasis reunion, a man has started on pre-drinks this afternoon.

A BAN on alcohol adverts is guaranteed to make the British public immediately stop drinking permanently, it is believed.