I TRIUMPHED in the Clacton by-election, therefore Count Binface must face the Parliamentary Standards Committee. Because that is democracy in action.

A RESIDENT of Clacton-on-Sea feels the by-election sparked by its grifting, usually absent MP is making the depressing, anachronistic resort look bad.

NIGEL Farage and Count Binface have announced they are hopelessly in love and whatever tomorrow’s result is will rule Clacton together.

THE prime minister is on holiday, but has unsportingly refused to reveal where to avoid class-based judgements. Where do you believe the coward has run off to?

A NEW survey has ranked all England’s towns by friendliness. But is it accurate? We visit the five towns lowest on the list to get told to go f**k ourselves.

THE next emergency alert sent to all residents of the UK without warning will warn against sending a text to your ex.

A 34-YEAR-OLD woman’s greatest fear is not only being targeted by a serial killer but also being his least alluring victim.

AFTER subscription renewals and fake sales, Andy Burnham has outlined the next nine minor rip-offs his government is directing its efforts to stopping.

ACROSS Britain, thousands of patriots have spent a long, hot summer hoping for a trigger to riot. But here in Thetford they’re not waiting around!

TEENAGERS are being recruited on social media to carry out contract killings. Could your offspring be planning a hit, or is he furiously wanking as usual?

ARE this couple trying to be your holiday hombres for the next fortnight, or are they pushing for a four-way in their five-star suite? Check these clues.

PARENTS demand presents but want nothing. Your attempt to treat them to something different will be resented and reviled.

IS your holiday is a gruelling test of your love for your partner? Here are some behaviours you wish they’d saved for when you’re not in their company 24/7 after spending a fortune.

ONLY attractive people with toned, fit bodies are truly enjoying the summer.

DESPITE their popularity, tattoos are still not fully accepted by those who do not cover their skin with childish drawings. Could it be for these obvious reasons?

A QUIRKY, independent 38-year-old man believes he is too focused on his job and his happiness to give in to the pressure to marry.

A WOMAN is concerned that her one-night liaison with a personable stranger is moving a little too fast for both of them.

LIKE a beloved family pet being put down, before parting with one’s girlfriend she must be given one last wonderful day. Follow this schedule.

I HAVE recently discovered that the passage of time has been unfairly applied to me.

THE relationship is deceased even if the bedroom lurches on like a drooling zombie hungry for flesh. If you’re doing these end it, or at least cheat.

MEN who favour Anne Hathaway over Sydney Sweeney are the great sexual thinkers of their time. Follow these precepts and you can become the Einstein of being horny.

FOUND a lovely new partner? Great, but be aware she’s probably already drawing up a list of which of your friends you won't be seeing again.

ALRIGHT, you’re not that fascinating, but your company is less predictable than the 10,000th hour of Tank Wars. Get that phone down with these techniques.

A CRAP desk fan from Argos is questioning whether it has the fortitude to keep its owner cool through a fifth heatwave.

I AM proud to announce we have successfully landed a SpaceX rocket on the – what? That’s not Mars? You have to be f**king shitting me.

FIRST a version of ChatGPT hacked other systems, now it’s Anthropic’s Claude AI doing it. Are you understandably scared of an AI hacking you?

AS I explained in a somewhat tetchy interview with The Economist, an incredible tech-topia awaits humanity thanks to me. Here's what it will be like when I actually do it.

A MAN in his mid-40s has been hospitalised after mistakenly listening to a song released in 2025.

THEATRE is about speaking the truth, however raw or unpalatable it may be. And I believe I have done that with my Fringe show No Daddy, I’m Not Going to the Gymkhana.

FAME undoubtedly has its downsides, but there are always jobs at Greggs. Spare a thought for these unhappily successful musicians.

13-YEAR-OLDS are learning that Lemmy, widely known as St Kilmister of Motörhead, was not canonised by any major church and their fathers were lying.

WOULD you like to impress friends, strangers and edit Radio 4’s Today by telling the same lies every other fantasist does? Take my accredited course in how.

SINGER and actress Ariana Grande has announced the next stage of her stardom journey will be a step back from public life, livestreamed to her 363 million Instagram followers.

THE world is shocked by revelations that Jared Leto has been accused of serial abuse, stressing they could never have suspected the Joker actor was a freaky creep.

WAKING up with a hangover so raging it has been declared a national emergency, I quaff several gallons of water to control the unfolding crisis.

YOUR teenage years are notoriously awkward, so what advice would you give to Prince George, who turned 13 this week?

A MANAGER has reserved 30 minutes of a meeting to give his team a thorough briefing on his recent fortnight of seven-star luxury in the Dutch Antilles.

AN office worker is living in fear of a colleague who believes he is a real friend and not merely a work friend. 

FANCY being able to call yourself something impressive like ‘tycoon’? Sadly these occupations are not open to the likes of you average income peasants.

PEOPLE who think toil should be enjoyable suffer from higher levels of work-related anxiety, it has been confirmed.

NATO Secretary-General Mark Rutte and shy Reform UK donor George Cottrell have called other men ‘Daddy’ in professional settings, so should you?

MOST of England will be covered by amber heat health alerts for the next three days. How does that translate to lager consumption? Dr Helen Archer explains.

THERE’S a row over whether standing in pubs, or ‘vertical drinking’, should be banned. But there are plenty of other irritations to ban first, like these. 

HE’S been sitting there all evening and you know, and he knows you know, it’s his round. Use these ways to gently point it out to the scrounging bastard.

I READ Keir Starmer is allowing pubs to open until 5am on Monday morning to show the England game. Am I extending my hours? Am I f**k.

NEW research has found making a train journey in Britain can be survived and even enjoyed if the passenger has drunk enough.