A TOTAL scumbag is defying the ageing process by getting more attractive as the years pass by, it has emerged.
DESPITE being embarrassingly simple to prepare, there are certain foodstuffs you'll always manage to screw up somehow. Like these:
LAST Christmas, while you stayed indoors, the Downing Street spads were having it large. Here’s what you did and they did laid out in a simple timeline:
CHRISTMAS - remember that? But now it keeps getting cancelled by the woke brigade. Makes you choke on your turkey, except you’re not allowed that unless it’s halal.
OFFICE Christmas parties are mundane procedures devoid of fun, famous for debauched antics that never, ever happen in real life.
YOU’VE settled in for a classic with the kids only to be confronted with an excruciating, lengthy f**kfest you’d forgotten about. These movies hide their sexy secrets.
A MAN has opened the first door on his advent calendar to reveal a yawning black consumerist void demanding to be fed with money.
A MAN refusing to wear a mask on a bus believes he is part of a long line of important political activists rather than an annoying prick.
BEING disinvited by France is the latest in a long line of snubs for Priti Patel. Here is everything the Home Secretary has been turned away from during her life so far.
THE public has united in the face of the Channel tragedy by agreeing that now is not the time for Priti Patel to be saying anything at all.
I CAN get away with loads of stupid shit by calling any man who legitimately criticises me a misogynist. Here’s how I go about it:
AFTER issuing a categorical denial that Boris Johnson is unwell and losing his grip, a Downing Street spokesman has issued a further, more specific denial.
AN elderly woman who will lose her house under new plans for social care said she only keeps voting Conservative because of their long-standing commitment to racism.
FOLLOWING Brexit and Covid, traditional Christmas markets are now a grumpy bastard from Walsall selling cans of Carling out of a shed.
SOURCES have confirmed that it may technically still be November but you might as well face the facts: it is f**king Christmas and there is no point pretending otherwise.
DESPITE having left school many, many years ago, there are still some absolutely useless pieces of learning clogging up your brain...
AS Conservative MP for Don Valley, I’m an expert in crime, terrorism, and declining masculinity caused by Doctor Who. Here’s how they correspond:
MORONS love to try and sound like professional psychiatrists by bandying about psychological terms they don’t understand. Here are some of the more annoying ones.
WE'VE all done things in our lives we're not particularly proud of. Here are some it’s best even your nearest and dearest never know about.
MP Stella Creasy has sparked a debate about taking your baby to work. Here self-righteous mum Donna Sheridan and child-hater Roy Hobbs exchange unhelpful views.
YOUR alarm has just gone off. Here’s why you’re absolutely justified in ignoring it.
FASHION doesn’t exist indoors. Instead comfort reigns, which means you answer the door to the postman wearing these outfits.
A WOMAN is convinced she can be ready to leave the house in 15 minutes despite never once doing so in her entire adult life.
SIGNALLING to other motorists is an integral aspect of driving, and some intentions can only be expressed through hand gestures. Here’s a guide to the important ones.
A KEEN and committed racist has admitted that despite Yorkshire’s exemplary record of bigotry he is still not getting into cricket.
THE rulers of Afghanistan are to buy out Middlesbrough FC for £320 million, the Premier League has confirmed.
REMAINERS have admitted that unprecendented British sporting success the first summer after Brexit is not doing their cause any favours.
THERE are many reasons the education secretary could have confused Rashford and Itoje, and none of them were because they are both black. It was probably one of these:
RONALDO is an absolutely crap transfer for Manchester United who’ve proved what a total desperate mess they are, as fans of other teams explain.
YOUR dad uses phones in very strange ways. Here are some of the weirder ones to try and not get stressed about.
NEED to relay basic information without sounding bitchy? Good luck - even these innocent texts sound passive aggressive.
WILL Facebook’s exciting new online world be a digital oasis? Or a bit of a disappointment that’s increasingly a chore? Let’s look at the evidence.
MUM is messaging and the emojis are flowing but her choices are utterly baffling. Here’s what she’s really trying to say:
THE silent smugness of an approaching electric car can scare you shitless. What sounds could be added as a warning?
MUSIC history is littered with performers hailed as groundbreaking legends. Here are some you'll get abuse for if you so much as hint they’re not musical geniuses.
AS A gammon, I can’t be seen laughing at right-on lefties. Instead I enjoy dolly birds with big knockers and Indian men with bad English. Stuff that’s naturally funny.
REMEMBER the 2010s as a time of musical experimentation and lyrical brilliance? You shouldn’t. These ear-defiling tracks will forever define the decade.
YOUNG people buying limited edition cassette tapes by their favourite artists are twats, everyone has agreed.
THE best film ever is officially one you have seen before, did not know was on and turn on halfway through at a good bit when drunk.
IT can be disorientating trying to recall a dream, but it's worse when you realise that the dream was actually a real TV show. Here are some of the oddest.
THE most important man in recorded history has set an out-of-office auto-response on his email for 1pm until 6pm today.
A SHOP assistant is distraught to learn a customer will be shopping elsewhere following a minor incident.
AMAZON’S algorithm, like an elephant, never forgets. And to this day it’s making helpful suggestions based on a 2018 smoke alarm purchase.
TESCO Metro has unveiled a new slogan that reflects the half-arsed shopping habits of its customers.
THE Pandora Papers have revealed that you are the only person in the entire world paying their fair share of taxes and everyone is laughing at you.
ENERGY firms facing bankruptcy due to soaring bills have been patronisingly advised that a prepayment meter would control their spending.
A PAIR of colleagues who believe they are engaged in a secret affair could not be more wrong, workmates have confirmed.
OFFICE leaving cards are a cruel sea of lies and mistruths. Here’s what would be written if they weren’t sparing your feelings.
DO your workmates absolutely despise you? This is why.
THERE'S a new kid on the block at work and he’s driving you round the f**king pipe. Here’s what the obsequious little twat is up to.
WHAT a surprise. Public sector workers are getting another bumper payout in the budget. I say it’s time to call them what they are - lazy thieving scum, and punish them accordingly.
A SHOP assistant is distraught to learn that a customer loudly complaining about a minor thing will not be shopping in her store again.
WHICH boozy classics have you got rammed at the back of your cupboard? And what do they say about the kind of person you are?
AN UNTOUCHED glass of tap water has done nothing to take the edge off a man's raging hangover.
A GIRLS' night out has descended into arguments, sulks and tears in the toilet before the first drink has been finished.
A MAN discovered that, contrary to convention, Monday morning is actually a far better time to drink than Friday night.
A MAN who is too young to know what a bad hangover actually feels like thinks he is experiencing one.