A DAILY Mail reader has been rushed to hospital after mentally picturing Angela Rayner as prime minister.

A BRITISH public incessantly faced with the question of whether Starmer can survive has come up with some more imaginative scenarios for it.

THE prime minister has assured Britain’s voters that the loathing is entirely mutual.

REFORM have taken a handful of councils across Britain and will now attempt to end immigration using only local planning laws. This is how they’ll try:

WE'RE set for big gains today, so let’s look forward to a fairer, greener Britain. That's assuming Green councillors don’t bollocks things up as impressively quickly as me.

HEADING out to vote in elections today but don’t know if you have everything you need? Consult this handy election guide.

NOBODY but a resident or a Reform candidate dreaming of an MP’s salary would ever visit, but these two-stall market towns have Tourist Information Centres anyway. Why?

A LONDON resident told housing outside the capital is readily available for less than half a million pounds has dismissed it as a provincial hoax.

THE conductor of a train from London to Manchester has enjoyed his sixth climax of the day by telling passengers their tickets are invalid.

A PROPER traditional racist who bases his prejudice on skin colour is horrified by the rising tide of anti-Semitism.

THE classic ice lollies of the 70s and 80s are more than just nostalgia. They symbolise a better time which only Reform can bring back, explains councillor Norman Steele.

A FATHER’S ideal activity on a beautiful sunny day is taking his children to a series of industrial site and scrapyards so he can cheaply purchase a fuel pump housing.

A WOMAN who recently lost weight is now the subject of a race by her female friends to put it back on her as quickly as possible. 

SCOWLING landladies of unwelcoming bed-and-breakfasts at windswept British seaside resorts are looking forward to resenting you this summer.

A MAN praised for being physically affectionate and in touch with his emotions is surreptitiously following the dictates of his penis, he has confirmed.

THE Devil is flattered you imagine he can still afford designer clothing in this economy, but says you are sadly mistaken.

I’M not exaggerating when I say a pint of Guinness cheered me right up and made the opposite sex appear more attractive. And you can buy one at pretty much every pub in any town.

DRINKING establishments are shuttering because men no longer mind being at home with their spouses, it has emerged.

UNQUALIFIED FBI head Kash Patel is facing allegations of alcoholism and incompetence caused by his girlfriend being objectively more attractive than he is. Here’s how he clings on.

SHE liked diamonds and Picasso paintings. He slept under bridges and sketched caricatures for cash. It was a holiday romance with an unfortunate iceberg, and these wouldn’t last either.

IF she’s a serious actress in highbrow movies? Then your wife sanctions and allows your crush because it shows your discerning taste in women. All these are permitted.

JD Vance recently said he had forbidden his wife from going skydiving in a strange comparison to Iran. Here he explains the benefits of controlling tendencies - for her and you.

A WOMAN who has split up with her hopeless loser of a boyfriend is searching for a new man who is functionally identical, she has confirmed.

IS this a spam email, or is it a genuine offer from Elon Musk to send you frozen sperm to birth yet more of his legion of children? You decide!

A MAN cannot help but admit that a clickbait headline has done an incredible job of piquing his fickle interest.

A FATHER of refined tastes watches only the cream of awful AI videos spewed out by social media, it has emerged.

ARE you still bitter about the writers of a TV show you loved messing around with a perfect formula and ruining it? You may have been watching these.

WISH you looked as laughably idiotic as the celebrities attending the Met Gala? Create an appropriate wardrobe on a budget with our guide.

LATER this year, half an act that rode to fame on the popularity of lap-dancing will play UK arenas. Their combined age will be 137 but they hobble on regardless, as do these.

MASTURBATORY opportunities can present themselves at the strangest of times. Who would have thought these classic movies would contain dubious wanking material?

THEY created punk and galvanised a generation, but almost five decades on from their debut release, how does The Sex Pistols’ discography stack up? Find out.

THE Michael Jackson biopic made the lucrative decision to end his story in 1988, before it all went too badly wrong. Which others need to call it early?

KEIR Starmer is so right to face down his massive unpopularity, as proved by these examples of people who bounced back from being hated to become the nation’s darlings.

A SWINDON woman is unsurprised that Vernon Kay and Tess Daly have separated, because 16 years ago he sent numerous explicit texts to a Page 3 stunner.

THE 12-year-old heir to the throne is moving to big school, but which educational establishment should we pay the fees for him to attend?

THE animal kingdom have clubbed together to get Sir David Attenborough a birthday greeting performed by a stripper, they have revealed. 

THE Princess of Wales has announced she is embarking on a solo trip to Italy where she intends to take a lover.

OUR monarch has done as he was told and performed a humiliating little show for president Trump. Which potentate who hates laws should he do it for next?

A GROUP of office workers who have requested their manager set out an orderly timetable for his resignation have been told to f**k off and do their jobs.

A MAN has forgotten how to be an underperforming drone after the four-day Easter weekend, it has emerged.

ATTENDING an online seminar is a fantastic opportunity to get stuff done while some arsehole is droning on about bullshit, research has found.

A MAN who accidentally ticked a box saying he was gay on his equalities form now feels compelled to go along with it, to be an ally.

AN army of retired old bastards with nothing better to do but sit at home resenting your working at home wants legislation to stop you.

NEW research has found making a train journey in Britain can be survived and even enjoyed if the passenger has drunk enough.

CHILDREN are disturbing heavy-drinking adults at their serious work of getting shitfaced, so should they be given pubs of their own?

IRELAND’S proud Celtic heritage and long, complex history is being celebrated by millions drinking ceremonial pints of beer.

A MAN is never more than 480 minutes from being able to neck pints of delicious, refreshing beer, it has emerged.