TRUMP has oddly started showing an interest in men's buttocks. Here the broadminded aesthete explains what qualities you should look for in a man's mudflaps.

THE UK’s media has announced it will not stop searching until it has found a critical mass of between three and 15 Brexiters angry at plans to reverse it.

BRITAIN has texted the EU at 3am to see if it is still awake for some casual, no-strings-attached fun, it has emerged.

YOUR elderly parents have admitted they only voted for Brexit because they have been in the pay of Russia for 40 years, and your real surname is Denisovich.

HAS something happened in the capital you don't live in and which will never affect you? Get furious about it anyway with this rational guide.

A RUDDY-FACED patriot is furious that one of his political enemies is commemorating Britain’s war dead in a way everyone is allowed to.

CHANCELLOR John Healey has delighted the nation by removing import tax from garlic. But how would you, someone with no financial education, improve the budget?

A WOMAN has stressed that the nurse outfit she is wearing for Halloween is sex positive, not slutty.

NEED to apologise to get the situation over with? Here’s how to insinuate that you're not really to blame.

ARE you getting older and are in a band that appears, to other people, to be going nowhere fast? Here’s how to justify it to yourself and your weary partner and friends.

IT’S easy to feel Halloween should be a spooky extravaganza due to all the suggestions and tips in the media. So how are you deciding you can’t be arsed?

A HETEROSEXUAL man has yet again found himself wondering if oral sex performed by another man would be different and possibly better.

THE foundations of a father’s identity have been shaken after he decided to put the heating on before November.

AS a couple, we wondered if there could be something more to our hollow lives. So we tried buying everything we wanted all the time, and it’s been brilliant.

AN old-fashioned time piece is shamelessly showing off its incredibly sexy, curvaceous figure for all to see.

DOES your inept partner keep trying to arouse you with random foreplay techniques he’s convinced himself are incredibly sexy? Beware of these.

A LESBIAN is reconsidering everything after a drunk man convincingly pitched heterosexuality to her in a pub last night. 

A MAN living and working in London could maybe squeeze in an extramarital tryst around six months from now.

MEETING the police is usually to be avoided, but men often feel differently when the club shuts and they’re female. Here are some ways to impress while shitfaced.

A YOUNGER partner sounds great until you realise sex is different now and you’ll look like an old fart for not being into it. Will you be broadminded enough for these things?

THE older generation wanted generic classics. The happy millennial couple demanded this bullshit.

THANKS to Google, once-in-a-lifetime spectacles can be seen from the comfort of your phone at any time. Including these.

MEN who equate advanced mathematical ability with hotness after Hannah Fry’s stint on Celebrity Traitors are confused that not all in the profession are equally gorgeous.

ELON Musk’s car company Tesla has launched an effective new way to tell if someone is an insufferable bellend.

SO, all this brown stuff just plopped out of my bottom and into the toilet. What should I do next?

CYBER criminals are threatening to tell M&S all about your secret addiction to buying cheap fast fashion from ASOS.

DESPITE last night's events, there's noticeably less fervour surrounding The Celebrity Traitors than when it started. Dare anyone suggest it's just another slightly silly reality TV show? Here's why it might be.

IT’S fair enough when actors lie about being chased by a Terminator or whatever, but not so much when they lie about the not-made-up world. Here are six of their most common porkies.

BRITAIN needs a new Bond, and rather than young Americans we should look to homegrown performers usually seen on ITV1 on Sunday evenings. Who are you backing?

FOLLOWING the huge success of The Celebrity Traitors the BBC is planning to produce a spin-off of Strictly Come Dancing with celebrities.

GB News is launching its own radio station to win round those few Britons not already devoted to its TV channel. Here’s a sneak preview.

SHARLEEN Spiteri chose not to go on The Celebrity Traitors, it turns out. But this reminder of Texas raises a wider question: should you listen to Scottish music? Let’s look at the nation’s top songs.

SIR Patrick Stewart's passing is all the more heartbreaking because he will never find out if Maya murdered Michael Sheen.

THE allegations about Meghan Markle’s estranged father are disgusting, and obviously no sane person would hold her responsible in any way. But is that true?

PRINCE William has said he enjoyed knighting rugby star Kevin Sinfield, but should we really keep pretending sportspersons are historical horse warriors? Here’s why not.

FOLLOWING allegations about Meghan Markle’s father, the Royal family is to follow its tried and tested nonce protocol.

PRINCE Harry has confessed his inability to understand what his petty shithead brother and his droopy impotent dick’s issues with him are.

FINDING a parking space is the most challenging aspect of the average working week, according to a new survey.

AN overreliance on irate emails is leaving Britain’s bosses incapable of delivering furious face-to-face criticism, research has found.

WISTFULLY staring at manual workers imagining they have it easier than you? Any one of these good, honest careers would cause your underpaid limbs immense pain.

DUE to my six-figure income and shrewd investments I have close to a million in my pension scheme. Should I give up work, or am I content with showing off in this article?

A TWO-HOUR Monday morning meeting has ended with all participants drained, shaken and unable to explain what went on.

PUB customers will have to pass an age check to prove they are middle-aged enough to drink Britain’s many indifferent bitters.

A MAN’S attempts to cure his hangovers are getting increasingly complicated to the point where they may be too difficult to do while hungover. 

THEY sell pints. but we all know they’re actually about the fancy food. Yet I dared to dream, challenged the herd and got absolutely wrecked at a country gastropub.

MEETING an old pal you haven't seen in years only to find he’s not only sober, but proud of it? Here’s how the long, long evening will inevitably pan out.

DISCARDED nicotine pouches yellowing in urinal troughs in are ushering in a public house’s seasonal transition to Scandinavian cosiness.

EXPERIENCED Munich’s festival of outdoor beer-swilling and keen to attract similar drunken overspending to your provincial piss-pot parish? Go ahead.