SOME boys like conkers. Others playing rugby or collecting stamps. But I believe that casual racism is a hobby which offers joy to every English schoolboy.

EACH week we meet a couple with a fascinating story about how their romance began. This week: far-right activist Tommy Robinson and home secretary Shabana Mahmood.

THE government has confirmed its new policy on asylum is a little bit vicious, a little bit Denmark and a little bit Nigel Farage’s gonads taken right out of his red trousers.

THE country needs revenue and tax rises are forecast in the coming budget. Who, discounting you obviously, should be targeted?

THE voting public has told Wes Streeting to halt his leadership manoeuvres because ousting Starmer is their job and will be their delight.

AS former breast-expanding hypnotherapist Zach Polanski’s Greens rise in the polls, we examine what political leaders can do for the size, lift and morale of your knockers.

A FATHER believes the Covid inquiry’s verdict that lockdown irreparably damaged a generation of children pretty much gets him off the hook.

THE Covid inquiry is set to publish more findings about how the pandemic was handled. Here are the five adult videos that tell the real story of how the country reacted.

A LECTURER is unable to tell if a poorly-written, shoddily-researched university essay is the moronic work of her student or AI.

JUST 21 per cent of the UK’s top earners actually feel rich. The other 79 per cent, heartbreakingly, don’t. How can we all rally round to support them?

THE sight of a town’s Christmas lights going up is a terrifying glimpse of the nightmarish festivity on its way.

IT’S the hypocrisy I hate. We’ve all done crazy shit for kicks in late middle-age. But suddenly it’s only me who fakes being an admiral on Remembrance Sunday.

MIDDLE-class mums on cocaine one week, middle-class mums on Tramadol the next. I’m blasting skunk nightly. Where’s my f**king Daily Mail article?

SURELY she isn’t. But then there are odd little hints that your significant other is masturbating as frenziedly as a man would. These are the signs.

CHANGING rooms are carefully designed to make you feel repulsed by yourself, the items you are considering buying, the whole concept of clothing and the world, it has emerged.

A KINDLY old man has reassured younger people that the thrill of masturbation never fades.

SO the Northern Lights are back. Big f**king deal, you might say. Well, it is for those of us who blew four grand to see the f**kers in Norway seven years ago.

A MAN’S hearing is so sensitive that he can detect a bra being unhooked from the other side of the house, his girlfriend has confirmed.

CUFFING season is over. Did you manage to trap another human being into spending winter with you, or will you perish in a blizzard alone?

YOU realise your partner’s dad is from a different generation with a different view of the world. But how the f**k did he come up with these impossible questions for you?

LIKE a long cuddle after sex? Or are you clinging on desperately like a koala on a branch while your partner tries to wriggle free from your crushing grip? Find out.

THERE is no experience available to humanity more shameful than finding another person attractive, research has found.

A HUSBAND and wife who clearly loathe each other are under the impression that every marriage is a horrible, relentless slog day after bitter day.

IT’S the question every straight man has asked himself: which fellow male would you have sex with if the alternative was being executed or something? Here are the least bad options.

GRAND Theft Auto VI will not now be released until next November. How will you slake your degenerate urges until then?

WOMEN have confirmed every sexually explicit text message they send goes through comprehensive rounds of group evaluation.

YESTERDAY’S widespread internet outage has offered the world a fleeting vision of the paradise life could be if not deluged with endless online bollocks.

GREAT. Now I can specify my erotic needs – Scarlett Johansson, H-cups, PSCO outfit – and ChatGPT will spin up a bespoke scenario. And I’m meant to leave the house?

ANYONE with a job is likely to have witnessed managers gushing about AI then quietly ditching the idea. See where your employer is in the cycle of AI hype.

GILLIAN Anderson’s portrayal of a depressed alcoholic in Channel 4 drama Trespasses has confirmed she chooses roles to challenge her fans’ masturbatory boundaries.

A HABITUAL smoker of cannabis has claimed if you begin Wicked: For Good and The Wizard of Oz at the same time, the pair match up perfectly.

BEING afflicted with same-song syndrome isn’t necessarily a barrier to success. These artists have discovered what works and are in no hurry to change it.

THE BBC has issued an amber Children In Need warning across BBC1 and Radio 2 beginning this morning and running until 10pm tonight.

MANY great songs are born out of heartbreak. But it’s a shame certain artists didn’t find lasting love and not have to inflict these albums on the world.

IF your partner likes celebrity nonsense it might pay to know the basics of the Stacey Solomon and Mrs Hinch feud. Here is a guide to read while she's making you watch I'm A Celebrity.

TRAUMATISED by the image of Trump giving Bill Clinton a blowjob, as suggested in recent Epstein file leaks? Drive it from your mind with these.

WHATEVER happens with Kylie, I will always regret not following my heart and dating a woman who is British, middle-aged and drinks too much. And now, at 29, I fear it may be too late.

YOU’VE put in the hours, done the groundwork and become a member of Britain’s professional class. But are you a twat accountant, arsehole doctor or wanker journalist?

AN office worker has exposed his lack of mental faculties by describing the solution to a complicated work problem as a 'no-brainer'.

YOUR boss is unfairly expecting you to work at your desk without falling asleep after you have eaten lunch, it has emerged.

A MIDDLE manager is experimenting with being pleasant to his staff in a bid to improve their productivity, it has emerged.

ENGLISH teachers likening themselves to Taylor Swift after the star referred to herself as ‘your English teacher’ have been sternly informed they can f**k off.

THERE is no better motivation to get promoted, change career or finally start your own business than having an utter arsehole as your manager, experts have confirmed.

HOME from the pub but don’t want the party to end yet? Behold, five questionable mixers you can make without nipping back out to the corner shop.

ANYONE else sick of gym bros saying you need to give up booze to get shredded? I’ve made heavy drinking part of my workout and I’m fitter than a Navy SEAL. You can be too.

YOUNG people are either exceeding or falling short of the specific amount of acceptable alcohol consumption older generations dictate, they have admitted.

WAYNE Rooney has admitted drinking throughout his Manchester United career, explaining a great deal. Perhaps these other luminaries were smashed the whole time.