A WOMAN with a head shaped like a perfect black square is outraged to have her identity exposed by the release of the Epstein files.

RIGHT-WINGERS are calling for a merger between the Conservatives and Reform. But what could be the name of such an unholy union?

THE BBC has searched its archives but cannot find any trace of an offensive 1970s sitcom about how much better life would be if Hitler had won the war.

EVERYBODY loves Reform, while everybody hates prominent Conservatives who lost their seats at the last election. But are there similarities between the two?

A COUPLE of top-tier tools have f**ked up royally by giving birth to a baby on Christmas Day, of all the f**king days.

DEAR all, where to begin? Another super busy year has flown by, and like all meaningful years it was defined primarily by interactions with the criminal justice system.

OUR Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ has told friends he is not really feeling his birthday this year and is probably just going to stay in.

LONDONERS have confirmed the bloody lights and Christmas markets are bad enough, but the soot-covered chimney sweeps performing upbeat musical numbers are worse.

BANKS have confirmed that repeatedly tapping the wrong bit of the contactless card reader before angrily entering your PIN will not change.

CHRISTMAS is almost upon us and you’ve got everything in except, hang on, you just need this one item and Tesco is open until 7pm. What is it?

ARE you a mum under pressure to organise a perfect Christmas? Good. Forget any of these, and you’ve ruined it for everyone, you heartless bitch.

CHRISTMAS is but days away, and around the country families are getting together to do dizzyingly weird shit they think is normal. What’s your bizarre tradition?

A WOMAN in her 30s has been left traumatised after realising her friends are starting to look and sound like their parents she remembers from childhood. 

WHILE you sit around eating Hob-Nobs, one hard-working Welsh couple have just won £1 million on the lottery for the second time. Here’s how you can be more like them.

AN intense eight-year-old has spent an entire weekend herding sheep in preparation for his role in today’s nativity play.

A WOMAN is indulging in an extra-marital affair on the grounds that it is the festive season and she has had a hard year.

MILLIONS of woman across the world are, against their better judgment, still allowing men to put their gross willies inside of them, research has found.

ASKING boyfriends to meet certain basic requirements can ruin a woman’s chances of love. Single man Martin Bishop explains why it’s time to stop being so picky.

A MAN’S erotic texts have improved a hundredfold now he runs his sentiments through an large language model AI, his girlfriend has confirmed.

A MAN has managed to secure a girlfriend at least four levels hotter than he is by wooing a foreign woman unable to recognise his knobhead qualities.

UNRAVELLING your over-insulated partner for sexual frolics can be a race against losing interest. Here’s how to get there with the mood intact.

NOT sure if the worst ideas you’ve ever had are in fact brilliant? Your supportive friend ChatGPT is here to endorse them.

AUSTRALIAN teens are the first demographic to be banned from social media, but they shouldn’t be the last. These six have no right to intrude on your evening doomscroll.

A RETIRED 80-year-old with no social media presence is understandably afraid his likeness will be stolen to generate pornographic deepfakes on the dark web.

GRAND Theft Auto VI will not now be released until next November. How will you slake your degenerate urges until then?

CHRIS Rea, the Middlesbrough-born singer-songwriter who wanted to be known for his more serious work, has departed this life at exactly the wrong time for that.

OUR national institutions have fallen one by one, and this weekend we lost the last. No Bond, no Who, no-one in Downing Street and no Strictly presenters. It’s over.

THREE years ago, I and my fellow critics gave Avatar II a kicking. Then it made $2.3 billion. We have never felt so powerless, and now it’s going to happen again.

NEW Doctor Who spin-off The War Between the Land and the Sea centres around a man banging a Sea Devil. Fair enough, because you wouldn’t kick these out of bed.

XMAS by Kylie looks set to be the Christmas number one, but many tracks which achieved the same feat never get featured on Christmas playlists. Specifically these.

PORTRAYING me as the world’s worst person is lazy journalism. These people are way worse because they don’t practise what they preach.

KELLY LeBrock has been talking about her new career in ranching, but attempting to watch her films is a bit of a slog. Here are more sex symbols you have to be very committed to ogling. 

KATE Winslet has followed appearing in a film with her daughter by starring in a film written by her son. She, and these celebrities, should realise talent isn’t genetic.

NIGEL Farage should be glad of my support. I’m practically a household name, I have a strong work ethic, and I'm not out of touch with young people, many of whom I have f**ked.

A YEAR of simmering flirtation, suggestive Slack messages and provocatively reloaded printers spectacularly detonated last night at the Wexford Consulting Christmas event.

ARE you the one grafting all the way through the festive period? Want everyone to know it? These lines will leave nobody in any doubt as to how vitally important you are.

AGREED to the office Secret Santa and were handed an entirely unfamiliar name? And now you’ve got to buy them a present? Consider these cursory gifts.

A FATHER explaining to his sons that he coupled school with 13 hours of twilight manual labour a week has realised in hindsight how bizarre that was.

ANYONE over 50 is perplexed by younger people’s delusions that work should be anything other than a thankless slog endured in order to buy things.

PUTTING up a bit of tinsel to bring festive cheer to your corporate gulag? Best consider these issues first lest you fall foul of overzealous human resources.

AN OFFICE manager has been invited to buy his round at this week’s office Christmas party and then leave so everybody can hate him.

CHRISTMAS is coming, yet unaccountably all our Christmas songs fail to mention the unstinting alcohol abuse which is the hallmark of the season. That can be fixed.

HOME from the pub but don’t want the party to end yet? Behold, five questionable mixers you can make without nipping back out to the corner shop.

ANYONE else sick of gym bros saying you need to give up booze to get shredded? I’ve made heavy drinking part of my workout and I’m fitter than a Navy SEAL. You can be too.