A WOMAN with a head shaped like a perfect black square is outraged to have her identity exposed by the release of the Epstein files.

RIGHT-WINGERS are calling for a merger between the Conservatives and Reform. But what could be the name of such an unholy union?

THE BBC has searched its archives but cannot find any trace of an offensive 1970s sitcom about how much better life would be if Hitler had won the war.

EVERYBODY loves Reform, while everybody hates prominent Conservatives who lost their seats at the last election. But are there similarities between the two?

RECEIVED a hand-delivered Christmas card and wondering who the hell sent it? These methods to identify the culprits could set your minds to rest.

A PENSIONER has once again spent Christmas alone because he has alienated everyone in his life by being a bastard, it has emerged.

A COUPLE of top-tier tools have f**ked up royally by giving birth to a baby on Christmas Day, of all the f**king days.

DEAR all, where to begin? Another super busy year has flown by, and like all meaningful years it was defined primarily by interactions with the criminal justice system.

OUR Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ has told friends he is not really feeling his birthday this year and is probably just going to stay in.

NO-ONE wants to look as if they're selling sexual services at a New Year's gathering, so if you're a woman paranoid about her outfit use our checklist.

STAYING awake to witness one year transition to the next is a gruelling marathon that will never end when done with children under ten, parents agree.

YOU thought AI understood you and knew your likes and dislikes. But your faith in your new digital best friend was shaken when it got you these gifts.

CHRISTMAS is almost upon us and you’ve got everything in except, hang on, you just need this one item and Tesco is open until 7pm. What is it?

ARE you a mum under pressure to organise a perfect Christmas? Good. Forget any of these, and you’ve ruined it for everyone, you heartless bitch.

CHRISTMAS is but days away, and around the country families are getting together to do dizzyingly weird shit they think is normal. What’s your bizarre tradition?

NOT sure if the woman who agreed to be with you for the rest of your life fancies you? Look out for these telltale signs.

TINDER has rolled out a seasonal desperation mode to connect users who are anxious to get laid by the first of January.

THE wonderful, embracing decision to invite a son’s boyfriend for a Christmas meal has been spoiled by said boyfriend being an arsehole.

A MOTHER believes every present she has opened from her husband and children to be a covert critique on her personality and parenting.

A WOMAN is indulging in an extra-marital affair on the grounds that it is the festive season and she has had a hard year.

MILLIONS of woman across the world are, against their better judgment, still allowing men to put their gross willies inside of them, research has found.

NOT sure if the worst ideas you’ve ever had are in fact brilliant? Your supportive friend ChatGPT is here to endorse them.

AUSTRALIAN teens are the first demographic to be banned from social media, but they shouldn’t be the last. These six have no right to intrude on your evening doomscroll.

A RETIRED 80-year-old with no social media presence is understandably afraid his likeness will be stolen to generate pornographic deepfakes on the dark web.

GRAND Theft Auto VI will not now be released until next November. How will you slake your degenerate urges until then?

A MAN who is home alone watching Jools Holland’s Hootenanny on New Year’s Eve has begun masturbating as a challenge to himself to sink even lower.

A BOY who had his heart set on getting dry markers and ugly paints for Christmas is amazed to find them under the Christmas tree.

CHRIS Rea, the Middlesbrough-born singer-songwriter who wanted to be known for his more serious work, has departed this life at exactly the wrong time for that.

OUR national institutions have fallen one by one, and this weekend we lost the last. No Bond, no Who, no-one in Downing Street and no Strictly presenters. It’s over.

THREE years ago, I and my fellow critics gave Avatar II a kicking. Then it made $2.3 billion. We have never felt so powerless, and now it’s going to happen again.

I CAN'T say 2025 was a great year, but I'll be doing my best to recreate some of the good times I had back in the day with good old Jeff.

KING Charles is to instruct the nation to look around at their family, decide who the bastard is and send them into exile in Norfolk.

PORTRAYING me as the world’s worst person is lazy journalism. These people are way worse because they don’t practise what they preach.

KELLY LeBrock has been talking about her new career in ranching, but attempting to watch her films is a bit of a slog. Here are more sex symbols you have to be very committed to ogling. 

YOU’RE back in the office, and your colleagues are so consistently annoying it feels as if you’ve never been away. Here is the tiresome behaviour you can expect today.

A YEAR of simmering flirtation, suggestive Slack messages and provocatively reloaded printers spectacularly detonated last night at the Wexford Consulting Christmas event.

ARE you the one grafting all the way through the festive period? Want everyone to know it? These lines will leave nobody in any doubt as to how vitally important you are.

AGREED to the office Secret Santa and were handed an entirely unfamiliar name? And now you’ve got to buy them a present? Consider these cursory gifts.

A FATHER explaining to his sons that he coupled school with 13 hours of twilight manual labour a week has realised in hindsight how bizarre that was.

ANYONE over 50 is perplexed by younger people’s delusions that work should be anything other than a thankless slog endured in order to buy things.

AN OFFICE manager has been invited to buy his round at this week’s office Christmas party and then leave so everybody can hate him.

CHRISTMAS is coming, yet unaccountably all our Christmas songs fail to mention the unstinting alcohol abuse which is the hallmark of the season. That can be fixed.

HOME from the pub but don’t want the party to end yet? Behold, five questionable mixers you can make without nipping back out to the corner shop.

ANYONE else sick of gym bros saying you need to give up booze to get shredded? I’ve made heavy drinking part of my workout and I’m fitter than a Navy SEAL. You can be too.