ANDY Burnham is stupidly frittering his time on issues like buses and social care. This is not the job of the prime minister, who should be laser-focused on things like this:

EVERYONE is speculating about my plans as PM, but no one has guessed I intend to turn Britain into the nightmarish ‘grimdark’ world of Warhammer 40k. Here’s what to expect. 

REMEMBER June 2024? When Britain was a paradise? When taxes were low, public services thriving, the armed forces roaring with power?

AT lunchtime today, I will be made the leader of the Labour Party. Whoop-di-f**king-woo. Think I give a shit about that?

THE prime minister is genuinely touched that his colleagues wrote the most generic of messages in his leaving card, he has revealed.

A PAIR of designer sandals are doing an incredible job of caking their owner’s feet in filth.

ANDY Burnham is helping struggling music venues, but this is bad news if you've got a muso friend who keeps insisting on seeing awful bands. Here's how to minimise your suffering.

GARY Lineker’s call for millionaires to be taxed more has proved beyond doubt that he is evil incarnate.

BOMBARDING social media with holiday photos is the best part of going away. Which insufferable snaps are you posting online?

THE public have informed Andy Burnham that chucking everyone two grand would provide some much-needed breathing space.

A FATHER is refusing to let a spot of uncontrollable wildfire ruin his family’s holiday in Bordeaux.

OFF to sunny climes completely not expecting it to piss it down? These unfulfilling emergency pastimes will take your mind off knowing you could be in Britain for free.

MILLIONS of Britons have agreed to end the misery of painfully awkward occasional conversations with their neighbours.

YET another woman with a successful corporate job is leaving to follow her ludicrous middle-class passion.

A MAN has opted for agonising sunburn after concluding that a male friend applying sun cream would be gay.

LONG-TERM unemployment means playing the long game. And while all you suckers have been buying houses, cars and holidays, my grift has paid off big-time.

BEING dumped can be devastating, but thankfully there’s no way you could be to blame. Here are the real reasons she did it. 

A MAN’S girlfriend kept helpfully interjecting while he was telling a funny story to ensure it was an accurate account of events. 

NAN passed away four years ago, but Grandad is coping. He's been to Bangkok and now he's introducing people to his ‘special friend’. Here's how to deal with it.

'EXPLORING your sexuality' sounds like a worthy attempt to grow as a sexual being, but are you just using it as an excuse to cheat? Take our quiz.

IS your sex life lacking? With a new film about The Joy of Sex starring Colin Firth coming out, there’s never been a better time to emulate the original 1970s book. 

BOYFRIENDS may think they’ve won the approval of a girlfriend’s close friends. But don’t feel too pleased - if you split up it may turn out you were a monster all along. 

A GRANDMOTHER is operating her TV remote as if she intends to crush it into oblivion.

THIS week OpenAI claimed an AI ‘went rogue’, but does anyone believe their melodramatic tales anymore? In fact scepticism is well overdue for AI nonsense like this.

DONALD Trump has made at least $1 billion from cryptocurrency, it has emerged. So who better to give advice on putting your money into this risky and complex investment?

NONE of the advances in technology of the last half-century have made it any easier to enter text via a remote control.

SICK deviants who use social media to prey on young people have asked you to consider their feelings during this difficult time.

UNDER-16s have explained that whether on social media or not, they will still be completely unbearable dickheads.

IN a new relationship everything about each other is fascinating, so you won’t want to admit you mostly watch films about violent robots. Here’s what your film taste should be.

LOOKING for a holiday read that actively lowers your intelligence? Take inspiration from the shite your retired mother claims to enjoy.

EVERYONE loves Bonnie Tyler belting out Total Eclipse of the Heart, but Gen Z should be warned that 80s soft rock is not a safe space. These songs are why.

THE Odyssey, a proud story of white men’s heroism, has been totally ruined by a woke film adaptation. Let me tell it how Homer did, six Stellas in.

YOUR teenage years are notoriously awkward, so what advice would you give to Prince George, who turned 13 this week?

WOULD it be wrong to use blood harvested from the late Sam Neill to create an entire island of cloned Sam Neills as a tourist attraction? We debate.

TAYLOR Swift is contemplating just how many hit songs would come from cancelling her wedding just before it happened.

THE Princess of Wales has announced that if she has to climb three peaks in 24 hours just to get away from the f**king kids, that is what she will do.

FANCY being able to call yourself something impressive like ‘tycoon’? Sadly these occupations are not open to the likes of you average income peasants.

PEOPLE who think toil should be enjoyable suffer from higher levels of work-related anxiety, it has been confirmed.

NATO Secretary-General Mark Rutte and shy Reform UK donor George Cottrell have called other men ‘Daddy’ in professional settings, so should you?

THE boss of a company has informed staff of his intention to do an endurance challenge and received no follow-up questions from anyone.

CO-WORKER bigging up the thrill of watching last night’s match live in their local when you suspect they only saw the score when they woke up? Catch them out.

COLLEAGUES in their 50s are making unexplained references to something called Um Bongo triggered by tonight’s England game against DR Congo.

HE’S been sitting there all evening and you know, and he knows you know, it’s his round. Use these ways to gently point it out to the scrounging bastard.

I READ Keir Starmer is allowing pubs to open until 5am on Monday morning to show the England game. Am I extending my hours? Am I f**k.

NEW research has found making a train journey in Britain can be survived and even enjoyed if the passenger has drunk enough.

CHILDREN are disturbing heavy-drinking adults at their serious work of getting shitfaced, so should they be given pubs of their own?

IRELAND’S proud Celtic heritage and long, complex history is being celebrated by millions drinking ceremonial pints of beer.