I WENT walking around Handsworth in Birmingham the other week. And do you know what? Not one of its many residents made me more comfortable by ‘whiting up’.

DEALERS at the Conservative Party conference are struggling to move cocaine but cannot keep opioids in stock, they have confirmed.

THE Conservative conference begins tomorrow, and you need retrospective planning permission for an illegal caravan park. Who are you blowing to get this done?

DO people keep arguing with you whenever you say you support Reform UK? Use it to your advantage by revealing your political allegiance in these challenging situations.

DEAR oh dear. The prime minister has exposed his contempt for Britain’s decent, hardworking snake-oil salesmen. Well, I’m not ashamed to say I’m their champion.

EXPERTS have warned that a new financial crisis which you did nothing to contribute to but will f**k you right up is coming, so bad luck.

KEMI Badenoch wants to curb English degrees due to their ‘poor graduate outcomes’. But she should realise there are many excellent reasons to do them. Like these.

THE British winner of the Nobel Prize for Physics is to spend the whole of his prize money on a customised sports utility vehicle in metallic Muscle Purple.

PADDINGTON Bear has taken legal action over suggestions that he was, in her final year, Queen Elizabeth II’s designated f**kbuddy.

TAYLOR Swift’s former fans have praised the star for prioritising their emotional development by releasing an album bad enough for them to move on.

HISTORIANS have warned that supplies of previously unknown women who can be held up as inspirational figures are about to be exhausted.

ALL five of the people who meet for a weekly Dungeons & Dragons session believe they are the kind of cool person you would not expect to play it, it has emerged.

EVERY adult in Bristol is part of a citywide non-monogamous relationship with everyone else, it has emerged.

LONDON. The big rancid cheeseburger. The place where dreams are made, or were. Because it’s full and I’m getting out. Here’s why.

BILLIONAIRES are shunning climbing Everest as a dreadfully common pastime of the hoi-palloi. Do you agree?

FULFILLED and long-lasting relationships are those where the man is less attractive than his partner and knows it, experts have confirmed.

BAD people can be attractive, and that poses a problem for the ethical masturbator. Examine your conscience before constructing a wank fantasy around these hotties.

A MAN whose dating profiles state he is ‘not sure what he wants right now’ is willing to consider the possibility it could be casual sex.

A WOMAN who sent a salacious drunken text implying sexual availability is horrified that it went to her boyfriend instead of an ex.

A MAN has proposed marriage because he is 39 years old and has no intention of being a man of 40 who still refers to his ‘girlfriend’.

A COUPLE is in agreement that there is nothing suspicious about covertly typing texts with your phone screen angled away from your partner.

ANYONE with a job is likely to have witnessed managers gushing about AI then quietly ditching the idea. See where your employer is in the cycle of AI hype.

NOBEL Prizes are being given out, but do not impress Britain’s many idiots who believe anything they fail to understand is simple. Wayne Hayes explains why they’re bollocks.

AN experiment in taking technology away from teenagers has seen them turn to mead, chainmail, and riding out under the banner of heaven to cleanse heathen lands.

YOUNG people must be stopped from using VPNs to access online porn, middle-aged people only barred from it by shelf-height and shame have asserted.

A MAN still mentally classifies music from nearly a decade ago as new, fresh and unfair to expect him to have an opinion on.

NOT content with multi-million paychecks, duplicitous stars love nothing more than to con their audiences by fooling them into watching serious cinema. We name and shame.

A 59-YEAR-OLD metal fan has decided that since there is such a fuss about it, he will give Taylor Swift’s new one a spin.

CLOSETED superstar Taylor Swift is double-bluffing again with an album of songs ostensibly about macho man Travis Kelce. But the lyrics reveal what we’ve known for years – that she’s a lesbian.

EVERY year, there’s one. Sneaking onto Strictly, the joy of the autumn, ruining my Saturday nights with my Echo Falls and my post-divorce unshared share bag of Maltesers.

A NEW film of Wuthering Heights starring Margot Robbie is essentially a 1990s straight-to-video erotic thriller set in Yorkshire, but not every book is a cinematic bonkbuster ready to happen.

A CAREER based in large part on sexual intercourse makes the tributes slightly awkward when you pass on. These luminaries will be tough to remember respectfully.

WE all had odd childhood crushes, and it’s likely they’re lodged in your psyche forever. Here are some of the slightly obscure hotties your current partner cannot hope to live up to.

PRINCE William has confided in the tabloid press that he misses his grandmother because unlike his father, brother and Britain, she had a high opinion of him.

DO internet-famous twats you’ve never heard of keep intruding on your life? These are the new media knobheads you’ll hate explained as quickly and painlessly as possible.

JK ROWLING has accused Emma Watson of being ‘ignorant of how ignorant she is’ in a lengthy screed on X, formerly Twitter. It could be you next. Be ready to take these actions.

A MIDDLE manager is experimenting with being pleasant to his staff in a bid to improve their productivity, it has emerged.

ENGLISH teachers likening themselves to Taylor Swift after the star referred to herself as ‘your English teacher’ have been sternly informed they can f**k off.

THERE is no better motivation to get promoted, change career or finally start your own business than having an utter arsehole as your manager, experts have confirmed.

THE 3.8 per cent rise in inflation will not trigger any confusing rises in your take-home pay, the UK’s employers have confirmed.

A RETAIL manager accused of gaslighting his staff hit back by outlining a compelling new narrative which proved they had invented the whole thing to hurt him.

HAVE you been working from home and slobbing out in a state of undress due to the warm spell? Prepare to panic when a surprise visit or an Zoom call exposes one of these outfits.

YOUNG people are either exceeding or falling short of the specific amount of acceptable alcohol consumption older generations dictate, they have admitted.

WAYNE Rooney has admitted drinking throughout his Manchester United career, explaining a great deal. Perhaps these other luminaries were smashed the whole time.

WHENEVER a group of diners decide to pay for exactly what each has consumed it is because one of the group got f**king wrecked, it has been confirmed.

SUPERMARKET wine aisles are currently covered with the same ‘Back to School’ promotional displays as aisles selling pencil cases and backpacks.

A MAN believes he has discovered a bold new frontier of nights out by going hard and going home simultaneously.

BLAZING sun compels every Briton to indulge in alcohol at an event designed for same, whether called ‘Trudy’s wedding’ or ‘Glyndebourne’. What’s yours?