A canal barge, and other f**king stupid places to have a stag or hen party

DO you think 15 absolutely shitfaced people should be in charge of operating a lock? Then you’ll enjoy these stag and hen destinations.

Couple role-playing as strangers bond over complaining about annoying spouses

A COUPLE attempting to spice up their marriage by role-playing as strangers have connected by discussing how awful their partners are.

'It's not for girls' and other mental ad slogans that somehow saw the light of day

WERE you an ad executive at some time in the last few decades? If so, you have an awful lot to answer for given these insane slogans.

Six films where love saves everything, unlike in real life

IN movies love is the great solution that saves lives and worlds, unlike in real life where it’s kind of a pain in the arse. These films lie:

Queen requests Britain take it easy this weekend in preparation for four-day Jubilee bender
HER Majesty the Queen has ordered her subjects to drink in moderation this weekend in readiness for their four-day Platinum Jubilee session.
F**king wasps, men in shorts, and other hot weather shit you forget about every year

LOOKING forward to the summer? You really shouldn't be. Here are a few reasons why hot days are actually the worst.

Five simple wellness hacks that aren't as good as a wank and a smoke

WANT to boost your wellbeing? Do not bother with these simple hacks which are nothing compared to a wank and a smoke.

Man at club urinal asked how his night's going

A MAN has been asked if he is having a good night in the totally appropriate environment of a piss-soaked club urinal.

Five telltale signs your partner has stopped listening

YOU’VE been rattling on about shite and your partner has zoned out completely. Here are five signs that mean you should shut up next time it starts happening.

Man discovers he doesn't have the charisma for shaven head

A BALDING man has been left heartbroken after discovering he does not possess the raw masculine energy required to pull off the shaved-head look. 

How to make a celebrity death all about you

THE death of a beloved celebrity is always sad. Make things even worse by putting yourself at the centre of the story with these tips.

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Politics

'Call that a party?'

AN idiot would look at ITV’s photos and leap to the conclusion that a large group of people drinking alcohol constitutes a party. That would be foolish and wrong.

You don't care about this, public reminded

THE public have been reminded by the Conservatives that they are not the least interested in Partygate and want the government to get on with the job.

What I wasn't told at the meeting that didn't happen, by Sue Gray

SEVERAL weeks ago, I did not attend a meeting with not the prime minister who at no point edited my report. Here is my timeline of non-events.

Your FREE Daily Mail 'Johnson is innocent' 18-page souvenir special

CELEBRATE Boris Johnson being found innocent enough by the Met with today’s historic Daily Mail souvenir special. Here’s a taste of the high-quality journalism it contains.

Bare-faced lying works a treat, agrees Britain

THE whole of Britain has agreed that next time they do something wrong and there is loads of damning evidence they will simply deny it entirely.

Spin the Conservative Distraction Policy Generator!

LOOKING for a policy that will tear headlines away from your cost-of-living ineptitude for a day? Try spinning the Conservative Distraction Policy Generator! Just follow these instructions...

The crimes I will commit when I am prime minister, by Sir Keir Starmer
GOOD morning. When I am elected prime minister, it is my pledge to you that I will commit the following crimes:

Society

How to cut down on your outgoings and battle rampant inflation in 1982

INFLATION is at its highest since the dark days of 1982. So how would you have coped with the spiralling cost of living 40 years ago?

The vindictive bastard's guide to why a recession would be great

MANY voters in the UK are mainly motivated by seeing other people get shafted. Here total shit Norman Steele explains whose lives should be made miserable by the predicted recession.

Middle class family enjoying pretending cost-of-living crisis will affect them

A MIDDLE class family are having lots of fun pretending they will be impacted by the cost-of-living crisis, it has emerged.

N-Dubz, and other f**king awful things from the 2000s to get weirdly nostalgic about

A SURPRISINGLY large number of people are excited to hear that N-Dubz are reforming. What other cultural lowlights are best left in the 2000s?

Grey squirrels voted UK's cutest vermin

THE grey squirrel has topped a poll to find the country's cutest vermin that should be exterminated, closely followed by moles.

Man who claims he's neither a boob or an arse guy asked what he likes about women then

A MAN who says he is neither a boob man nor an arse man has forced friends to conclude that there must be not be anything he likes about women.

£40 Waitrose gin and other Jubilee products that are taking the f**king piss
QUEENIE'S big celebration to mark 70 years on the throne throws up all sorts of opportunities to rip off people with more money than sense. Try these horribly overpriced items.

Lifestyle

Five things you can get out of by blaming the cost-of-living crisis

THE cost-of-living crisis isn’t all bad news, except for the Tories. It’s a cast-iron excuse to get out of these obligations.

Hourglass, pear, spoon or bloke: what's your body shape?

DO you think your body is of averagely human appearance? You’re wrong. These are the bullshit body shapes you need to choose between.

The five worst house guests you've ever had, ranked

HAVING guests over seems like a nice idea but the reality is that people are largely rude, annoying bastards. Here are the worst.

We need a big house because we've got a lifetime of shit, explain grandparents

GRANDPARENTS have explained to their children that they cannot sell up and give them all their money because they own so much crap.

Were you a crap lad of the 1990s? Take our quiz

LAD culture was all the rage in the 90s, but it was harder being a lad than you might expect. Take our quiz and see if you didn’t quite live up to the Loaded ideal.

The twat's guide to letting everyone know you're sick of standing in a queue

WANT to make the queue you’re standing in move faster? Here are five tactics that won’t make a blind bit of difference but will make sure everyone else knows you’re a dickhead.

Well that's us sorted for life, say Britons getting 400 quid
GRATEFUL Britons are relieved that the cost of living crisis is now over thanks to Rishi Sunak’s incredibly generous one-off payment of £400.

Sport

Pitch just a large grassed area, pitch invaders discover

PITCH invaders at football games have discovered that the pitch is no more than a large grassed oblong with white lines painted on it.

Preston supporter stresses his hatred of Blackpool is non-homophobic

A PRESTON North End supporter has stressed his enduring hatred of Blackpool FC has nothing to do with its pioneering out gay player.

Man's greatest achievements in life were as an imaginary football manager

A MAN has looked back at his life and concluded that all of the achievements he is proudest of came while playing simulations of managing football teams.

Six sports that aren't sports because you play them pissed in the pub

THINK you’re sporty because you once beat your dad at arm-wrestling? No sport you can do after eight pints really counts as a true athletic endeavour.

The Guardian guide to whether supporting your football club is ethical

FOOTBALL fans love nothing more than running their support past the Guardian to check they’re meeting its ethical standards. Where does your club stand?

Child should not be learning martial arts

AN already aggressive child is taking lessons in how to punch and kick people more effectively.

How to not get dumped by a partner way better than you deserve
YOU know it. Everyone knows it. You’re involved with someone who’s way more attractive than you and it can’t last. But take heart - here’s how to postpone the inevitable.

Science & Technology

Cling film and other seemingly simple inventions they still manage to f**k up

MANKIND can travel into space and cure cancer, so how come so many straightforward minor inventions are useless and annoying? Like these…

Six essential cybersecurity tips to ignore entirely

YOUR money, your identity and your life are all online, and you’re still using the same password you used on MySpace in 2006. Ignore these tips.

Six statements of corporate bullshit every company feels obliged to make

EVERY business trots out varying amounts of spurious bullshit on their website. But which statements are embraced by all marketing teams trying to convince us they aren't evil?

If only there were some way I could leave Twitter, sigh Twitter obsessives

TWITTER obsessives outraged by Elon Musk’s purchase of it wish there was some way they could quit the hellsite ruining their lives.

14 WhatsApp messages to pretend you haven't seen

WHATSAPP can be useful, but it’s just as likely to turn into the bane of your f**king life. Mainly when people do these things... 

Motorists allowed to watch TV while self-driving cars fight crime

UNDER the new Highway Code, motorists will be allowed to watch TV while self-driving cars fight crime, it has emerged.

What those 'Live, Laugh, Love' signs would say if they were telling the truth
DOES a friend have a house full of pukey little signs saying things like ‘Family is where the heart is’? Here’s what they'd say if they were honest.

Arts & Entertainment

Under Pressure, and other classic karaoke songs you will absolutely butcher

THINK you're an amazing singer who smashes it at karaoke? Prepare to realise how shit you actually are when you attempt these classics.

The five stages of getting sucked into a really shit TV show

FROM slagging off your partner for watching it to staying up all night to finish the series, these are the stages of getting stupidly invested in a dreadful telly programme.

The beloved TV pets from your childhood who are long dead

REMEMBER the adorable animals who had you pressing your nose to your TV screen as a small child? Wondering where they are now? Get ready for bad news.

UK comes second in Eurovision sympathy vote

BRITAIN came a proud second after Ukraine in Eurovision after being recognised as the next most f**ked country in the competition.

Straight man afraid to watch Eurovision

AN INSECURE heterosexual man is too scared to watch Eurovision because it is so camp, it has emerged.

Ukraine to win, Britain nul points: Your guide to the Eurovision popularity contest

EUROVISION is just around the corner, but how will it go down? As predictably as you expect, so like this:

Six wankers you only meet in London
LONDON - cultural powerhouse, historic capital and magnet for wankers. Here are some pain-in-the-arse individuals who the regions can’t hope to match.

Business

Six ways to get through three weeks of Jubilee wank

HORSES are parading, M&S biscuits are rebranded, and Nicholas Witchell is clearing his throat. Jubilee hysteria is upon us. Here’s how to make it through.

Smug Bitcoin bastards getting long-overdue comeuppance

SMUG twats who piled all their cash into imaginary numbers money are finding out they are not cleverer than the entire world after all.

Seven brands that arseholes love

IN our capitalist label-obsessed society, some brands attract more tosspots, twats and knobheads than others. Avoid anyone devoted to these.

Coked-up guy ranting about crypto in bar hopes everyone is listening

A DRUNK man, noticeably high on cocaine and bellowing about cryptocurrencies in a central London pub, is hoping people are taking his excellent financial advice. 

So how exactly do tax cuts make the rich work harder? A CEO explains

THE budget supposedly benefits the rich at the expense of the ‘poor’. If you can call them that, they’ve got phones, shoes and running water, haven’t they? Anyway, here I explain why more money motivates wealthy people but not the povs.

If I can become a multi-millionaire anyone can, says businessman vastly underestimating role of luck

A BUSINESSMAN from a humble background who built a fortune from scratch wrongly believes his example proves that anyone can be rich.

Magic money tree provides unexpected bumper crop
DESPITE apparently not existing, the magic money tree is set to cut UK energy bills by hundreds of pounds, it has emerged.

Work

Seven topics of conversation you shouldn't get your arsehole colleagues started on

SMALL talk is the office go-to for a reason – it avoids you discovering the extent of your colleagues’ awful personalities. Broach these topics at your own risk.

World's first non-toxic workplace discovered

EXPLORERS have discovered the world’s first non-toxic workplace, which until now was believed to be a myth.

Basically, you're f**ked: The changes to National Insurance explained

NOT sure what the changes to National Insurance are all about? Get your head around the basics with this guide.

Dear Donna. How can I deal with my arsehole boss? Nikolai, 3rd Spetsnaz Brigade

MY boss is a complete arsehole, ordering me and my colleagues to do things we're not happy about, such as our current works outing to Ukraine.

Meeting couldn't even have been an email

AN outright pointless Monday meeting did not even contain enough substance to have made it as an email, attendees have confirmed.

'Any plans for the weekend?': Six workplace questions that might be a trap

CONVERSATIONS with colleagues can be fun, or you may start to suspect you’re being quietly interrogated for nefarious purposes. Here are six questions that should set off alarm bells.

'He's got away with it again!' say same people letting him get away with it
THE exact same people facilitating Boris Johnson’s escape from any kind of consequence are marvelling that he has escaped without consequences.

Alcohol

The Disney characters who'd be good fun to get hammered with

EVER watched a Disney film, wishing you were down the pub, and wondered which would be the best to go on a 12-hour session with? These are the top seven.

Your local pubs, from worst to best

THERE are many pubs within walking distance of your home, but you only drink in one. Two at a push. Here’s why.

Hair of the dog: phrases to convince yourself to keep drinking like an idiot

NOT sure whether you need another drink or not? Utter one of these phrases and your doubt will instantly be washed away by another pint of lager.

Drinking at lunchtime: The dream versus the reality

ARE you tempted to have a lunchtime drink like some sort of effortlessly cool continental? Here's how reality will shit on your dreams of sophistication.

'May contain prosecco' t-shirts, and other ways Brits pretend their rampant alcoholism is fun

IT’S hard to believe, but we Brits like a few drinks. However the last thing we want to do is take punishing our livers too seriously. Here’s how to keep terrifying levels of alcohol consumption fun.

How to carefully mix your drinks for the ultimate all-day hangover

YOU'RE drinking tonight, but have you planned your alcohol consumption to create a hangover that will take you out for 24 hours? Follow this guide.

Deeply boring people finally represented on TV thanks to Conversations with Friends
BORING people with the personalities of wet bread are celebrating finally getting public recognition thanks to the BBC series Conversations with Friends.