THE government has explained that anything good which happens in Britain is all Boris Johnson but anything bad is your fault and your problem. 

ANGRY balloon-faced Tory MP Mark Francois has called for more respect in public life, despite not having a spotless record himself. Here’s what he’s demanding.

CARBON net zero? What happened to the good old days of zero belief in global warming? Who’s got to Boris?

MY BROTHERS and their birds. God, by way of the Prophet Farage, has revealed unto me, Roy Hobbs, the rules by which we must live our lives.

ONE of the hundreds of white suit-wearing male Conservative MPs in his 50s has admitted that to him all Asians look the same.

THE public has been exposed to so much bullshit over the last year that nobody is surprised or depressed by it anymore.

A CAR PARK just outside Hull has received a blue plaque from English Heritage for being the country’s oldest dogging site.

TOLKIEN characters and middle class babies are both detached from reality and have stupid names. Can you tell your hobbits from your hoi polloi?

A GOTH is clearly not enjoying having to wear a lurid uniform as part of their weekend retail job.

A MILD-MANNERED and socially conscious man descends into a bundle of intolerant raving fury the moment he gets in his car.

SUPPLY chain problems continue, but there’s no shortage of morons determined to prove they’re right about it. Here’s how to carefully pick your evidence...

THINK things were better in the old days? Feel nostalgic for a time you didn’t live through? Find out if you would have been happier living through the Blitz.

NEVER achieved much? Imagine you’re special and boost your self-esteem by taking a weird amount of pride in these non-achievements.

YOU’VE got a new puppy. Should your employer give you three weeks paid leave to enjoy learning to live and grow together? F**k they should.

KIDS been quiet for five minutes? Cause a massive childcare emergency by attempting to do one of these simple things.

A SINGLE man who lives by himself owns and does all his cooking with one single pan, it has emerged.

THAT thing you used to have? Selling for a grand on eBay now. If only you'd kept it, along with all this shit.

A WOMAN has unleashed Armageddon by removing herself from a WhatsApp group for school mums.

THE rulers of Afghanistan are to buy out Middlesbrough FC for £320 million, the Premier League has confirmed.

REMAINERS have admitted that unprecendented British sporting success the first summer after Brexit is not doing their cause any favours.

THERE are many reasons the education secretary could have confused Rashford and Itoje, and none of them were because they are both black. It was probably one of these:

RONALDO is an absolutely crap transfer for Manchester United who’ve proved what a total desperate mess they are, as fans of other teams explain.

WANT to annoy the hell out of people who don't give two shits that the football season has started again? Try these tactics.

SOME football shirts indicate that you’re a twat from a mile off. If you’re a fan of one of these clubs know that you’re judged by everyone.

THE silent smugness of an approaching electric car can scare you shitless. What sounds could be added as a warning?

A CARDIGAN that claims on its care label to be 'hand-wash only' has been told to get a f**king grip.

INCREDIBLE cosmic events are ideal for proclaiming ‘Let’s stay up’ before nodding off by 10pm. These spectacular meteor showers will be missed for these valid reasons.

A FATHER has printed out a meme and distributed it by post because he thinks that is how they work.

THE world’s population has been left struggling to function after a six-hour blockage of the pipes that spew bullshit into their faces 24-7.

YOUR child’s room is a shit tip, but their Minecraft inventory is meticulously organised into elements, ores and enchanted bullshit.

EVEN as a small child you had an inkling that certain beloved TV shows were a bit illogical. With hindsight, here’s why.

HAVE you ever been to a wedding where the dance floor wasn’t full the second ‘Come on Eileen’ came on? Here are some other ear-destroyers Brits adore.

THERE are profoundly moving pop masterpieces and there’s All Saints’ Never Ever saying ‘the alphabet runs right from A to Z’.

FROM 2000 to 2010 the UK was completely void of good musical talent. How else do you explain these chart-topping bands?

EVERY married women in the UK has filed for divorce after hearing new Adele song Easy On Me.

ROBERT Webb has admitted he quit Strictly because his heart could not handle the non-stop 24-7 athletic extra-marital sex. 

A SHOP assistant is distraught to learn a customer will be shopping elsewhere following a minor incident.

AMAZON’S algorithm, like an elephant, never forgets. And to this day it’s making helpful suggestions based on a 2018 smoke alarm purchase.

TESCO Metro has unveiled a new slogan that reflects the half-arsed shopping habits of its customers.

THE Pandora Papers have revealed that you are the only person in the entire world paying their fair share of taxes and everyone is laughing at you.

ENERGY firms facing bankruptcy due to soaring bills have been patronisingly advised that a prepayment meter would control their spending.

NOBODY'S using trains because they're expensive as f**k and always late. Here's what they'd have to do to be more appealing.

A SHOP assistant is distraught to learn that a customer loudly complaining about a minor thing will not be shopping in her store again.

A GARDEN office installed this summer as a perfect homeworking solution is f**king freezing, it has emerged.

EVEN in post-Brexit Britain’s upside-down economy, marketing executives on £30k would rather stay in the office than do this dispiriting shit.

AN overeager office worker is treating Friday as if it is a normal working day and toiling away accordingly.

LOOKING to make everyone else in your office resent you for making them feel like a lazy bastard? Try these lunchtime activities. 

LOVE the thrill of a mutual connection? Entrepreneur and leadership yogi Bill McKay explains how to live through LinkedIn.

A MAN discovered that, contrary to convention, Monday morning is actually a far better time to drink than Friday night.

A MAN who is too young to know what a bad hangover actually feels like thinks he is experiencing one.

DAILY Mash readers who hate adverts and love getting shitfaced while someone else buys the beers have been offered an incredible deal.

A COMPLETE bastard enjoys nothing more than explaining what a wasted dick you were the night before.

QUITTING alcohol for a month will bring huge health benefits, but what about the damage it will do to your weekends? Count the cost here.

THERE were times in primary school when your teacher was clearly suffering the after-effects of a rough night - you were just too young to notice these tell-tale tricks.