FORMER Tory MP Natalie Elphicke is doing her best to fit in with her new Labour comrades, but struggling to find common ground. These are her openers so far.

THE member for Dover has defected from the Conservatives to Labour, but what invaluable secrets does she bring from her former masters?

THE prime minister plans to recover from today’s election results by launching a new pandemic and furloughing everyone.

ARE you a Conservative MP worried about job security? Learn how to stand out from millions of other jobseekers desperate for work with this guide.

ONLOOKERS are uncertain of how to respond after realising that a man mansplaining to a woman is in fact technically correct and entirely right to do so.

THINKING your country is inherently better than all the rest is hilarious when that country is not the UK, it has emerged.

MIDDLE-AGED women seeing 20-something girls dressed in cargo pants, faux fur gilets and bandanas have confirmed that they are delighted by how ugly modern fashions are.  

A WHITE man is so committed to saying sorry for all the crimes of his kind that he effectively is not a white man, he believes.

THE radiant sunshine beating down on the country has revealed that everyone has been wallowing in their own filth for the last few months.

YOU probably think it’s great having the biggest penis in Britain, but big cocks aren’t all plain sailing. Sometimes, like King Midas, I wonder if my donger is a curse, not a blessing.

MILLENNIAL slang is out of date and should be replaced by Gen Z slang, apparently. Here’s how to look ‘with it’ even if no one has a f**king clue what you’re saying.

YOUR most pretentious and wanky friend is enjoying a holiday in Japan, it has emerged.

A WOMAN who has suffered a life-changing injury is consoled that her upcoming visit to the hairdresser will have fewer awkward silences.

KEEP hearing people talking about their ‘Shein hauls’ and don’t know what the hell they’re on about? You’re probably confused and suspicious about these other brands too.

GARETH Southgate, the most successful England manager since Alf Ramsey, is a miserable failure who lost his country two Euros and a World Cup. Time for him to go?

MANCHESTER United’s reputation among those with zero interest in sport is still that of a world-class team, it has emerged.

A TINY baby in a Liverpool top who has barely supported them during the week since his birth has been accused of chasing clout and trophies.

FOOTBALL is considering the introduction of blue cards but has yet to decide how they should work; the FA just really likes the colour. How would you use them?

A CANTERBURY cafe has banned laptops and claims it has helped build a community. Should others do the same?

SMARTPHONE apps were meant to make life easier but instead add to the general anxiety of it by harassing you constantly. Like these ones.

WHATSAPP loves shit-stirring by telling you a friend has deleted a message. Here’s a reasonable guess at what they said.

BUCKINGHAM Palace has admitted that no such person as ‘Kate Middleton’ ever existed outside of digital imaging software.

SIGNING off an email is a minefield in which you’re always just one word away from metaphorically losing a foot. Here are some of the twattiest sign-offs to avoid.

BOOKMAKERS have given Olly Alexander a one per cent chance of winning the Eurovision Song Contest. Is it time the UK left it?

WELL-ADJUSTED adults who enjoy quality programming are mourning the return of Doctor Who to the nation’s screens.

A FAN of true crime podcasts has yet to decide on what is definitively the best way for her to dispose of human remains.

THE organisers of a tacky, frivolous song contest have confirmed they did not sign up for trying to manage the complex political fallout of multiple wars.

LET'S face it, most universally acclaimed works of art could have been done by you after a lengthy session in the pub. Here are 16 you could easily crank out after six pints.

THIS spring and summer’s festivals are offering attendees the opportunity to see a collection of bands they may not be huge fans of but offer decent value in aggregate.

A MAN decades younger than you who has already achieved more than you ever will can go and f**k himself, older generations have agreed.

THE Post Office has announced that counterfeit stamps, heavy rain and the Arctic Monkeys’ recent loungecore albums are all postmasters’ fault.

A JUDGE has ruled that saying ‘back in your day’ to an older colleague could be considered age harassment. Here are some phrases young people had better not say to you, then.

TO stand out in the job market, why not impress on employers that you’re a first-class prick with your job title alone? Any of these should do it.

OFFICE jobs look complicated from the outside, but all they really involve is sending these five emails again and again and again forever.

WALKING to the office printer to make some copies is as fun and relaxing as a fortnight in the Lake District, it has been confirmed.

WORKPLACE safety assessments are finding that the main occupational hazard facing Britons is being around twats all day.

AN emergency plumber with an exorbitant call out fee and a string of desperate clients is feeling more powerful than Zeus, he has confirmed.

ENGLAND has the highest rate of child alcohol consumption of all countries surveyed by the World Health Organisation, but are your children doing their part?

DRINKING sessions are a great way to connect with friends when your inhibitions are down. And also ruin your life by sharing these overly personal admissions. 

INCOME, age, race and class have proved no obstacle to any British citizen’s inalienable right to drink alcohol whenever they want to.

A GROUP of lads out for an all-day session have lapsed into silence after exhausting their stock of ironic football-based banter.

A GROUP of friends meeting for pre-drinks before a night out have found themselves slipping painlessly into serious drinking.

A MAN who had spent all week complaining about a night out he was forced to go on with close friends is deeply annoyed at himself for enjoying it.