Why nobody must be punished for the Post Office scandal, by anyone in any kind of power
THERE is loose talk of penance. Of ‘having to pay’. But as a person who has done well in life, I believe we cannot punish anyone involved in the Post Office scandal.
How to stay annoyed during a heatwave
DURING heatwaves it’s important to take appropriate precautions during a heatwave so that you stay British and irritable, not relaxed like a foreigner. Remain peeved with this guide.
Have you seen the twats on these f**king juries, says senior judge
A SENIOR judge has invited the public to look at the cretins and halfwits on the average jury and ask if they would like to be judged by them.
Couple accepts they will never have sex adventurous enough to need a safeword
A COUPLE have agreed they are not really the type to have sex dangerous or boundary-crossing enough to need a safeword, and feel the lesser for it.
‘How did he find the time?’: Inappropriate questions you want Gregg Wallace to answer
LEERING cockney Gregg Wallace has been sacked after a round 50 allegations of inappropriate behaviour. But leaving key questions unanswered...
We ask you: what are your fondest memories of the late Norman Tebbit?
YET another member of the beloved Thatcher cabinet we grew up with has passed on. How will you remember Norman Tebbit?
Who’s definitely in the Epstein Files, by a gobshite down the pub
YOU know why they’ve lost that Epstein client list, don’t you? Trump’s all over it. And Prince Andy, of course, and Musk. Mine’s a pint and I’ll tell all.
Walking doesn’t cure terminal illness: The Salt Path fact-checked
INSPIRATIONAL memoir The Salt Path has been exposed as the conspicuous bullshit it was all along. These are the questions every middle-class reading group didn’t ask.
Copying Kate? Meghan spotted also wearing shoes
IN A glaring reference to her glamorous sister-in-law’s signature style, Meghan Markle has embarrassed herself by wearing shoes on her feet.
Amanda Holden, and other celebs your teenage self is relieved not to have as a parent
AMANDA Holden has treated an incurious world to pictures of her 54-year-old arse, and adults everywhere are glad they’re not her nepo babies. Having these as parents must be hell.
Embarrassing sex secrets you’re right to keep to your f**king self, with the Mash sex columnist
TOO afraid to share you’re a furry with your wife? You’re right to be, she’ll leave you. Only a freak wants to be done by a 42-year-old mortgage advisor in a Pepé Le Pew costume.
Woman not reading fairy porn for the world-building
A WOMAN on her third volume of fantasy-themed pornography would like to inform its author she is not here for the rich fairy world-building.
Why going beyond the Wimbledon quarter-finals is gauche and un-British, by Tim Henman
BRITON Cameron Norrie has reached the quarter-finals of Wimbledon and, I trust, has the manners to go no further. For it is not our nation’s way.
Smell of cannabis makes me feel unsafe, says wuss
A TOTAL f**king wuss has confessed the odour of cannabis makes him feel terribly unsafe and as if police should arrest everyone within a 500ft radius who is not him.
Woman dumped so incompetently she’d rather be ghosted
A WOMAN is suffering through a break-up handled with such staggering ineptitude that she would honestly prefer her ex to disappear without a word.
She’s a waterfall, and other metaphors for women employed by singers trying to get laid
WHAT is she? Definitely not a groupie, no, she’s some form of flattering abstract noun and you’re prepared to elaborate if she takes her top off. These comparisons led to sex...
