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    the dailymash

    Wednesday, 9th July 2025
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    • Mash Books

    Sadly you already have a creative outlet, Ed Sheeran told

    Why nobody must be punished for the Post Office scandal, by anyone in any kind of power

    THERE is loose talk of penance. Of ‘having to pay’. But as a person who has done well in life, I believe we cannot punish anyone involved in the Post Office scandal.

    How to stay annoyed during a heatwave

    DURING heatwaves it’s important to take appropriate precautions during a heatwave so that you stay British and irritable, not relaxed like a foreigner. Remain peeved with this guide.

    Have you seen the twats on these f**king juries, says senior judge

    A SENIOR judge has invited the public to look at the cretins and halfwits on the average jury and ask if they would like to be judged by them.

    Couple accepts they will never have sex adventurous enough to need a safeword

    A COUPLE have agreed they are not really the type to have sex dangerous or boundary-crossing enough to need a safeword, and feel the lesser for it.

    ‘How did he find the time?’: Inappropriate questions you want Gregg Wallace to answer

    LEERING cockney Gregg Wallace has been sacked after a round 50 allegations of inappropriate behaviour. But leaving key questions unanswered...

  • Man watching women’s Euros to try to feel something

    Yorkshire bans hosepipes as ungodly

    We ask you: what are your fondest memories of the late Norman Tebbit?

    YET another member of the beloved Thatcher cabinet we grew up with has passed on. How will you remember Norman Tebbit?

    Who’s definitely in the Epstein Files, by a gobshite down the pub

    YOU know why they’ve lost that Epstein client list, don’t you? Trump’s all over it. And Prince Andy, of course, and Musk. Mine’s a pint and I’ll tell all.

    Walking doesn’t cure terminal illness: The Salt Path fact-checked

    INSPIRATIONAL memoir The Salt Path has been exposed as the conspicuous bullshit it was all along. These are the questions every middle-class reading group didn’t ask.

    Copying Kate? Meghan spotted also wearing shoes

    IN A glaring reference to her glamorous sister-in-law’s signature style, Meghan Markle has embarrassed herself by wearing shoes on her feet.

    Amanda Holden, and other celebs your teenage self is relieved not to have as a parent

    AMANDA Holden has treated an incurious world to pictures of her 54-year-old arse, and adults everywhere are glad they’re not her nepo babies. Having these as parents must be hell.

    Netanyahu visits the country he rules like a king

    Embarrassing sex secrets you’re right to keep to your f**king self, with the Mash sex columnist

    TOO afraid to share you’re a furry with your wife? You’re right to be, she’ll leave you. Only a freak wants to be done by a 42-year-old mortgage advisor in a Pepé Le Pew costume.

    Woman not reading fairy porn for the world-building

    A WOMAN on her third volume of fantasy-themed pornography would like to inform its author she is not here for the rich fairy world-building.

    Why going beyond the Wimbledon quarter-finals is gauche and un-British, by Tim Henman

    BRITON Cameron Norrie has reached the quarter-finals of Wimbledon and, I trust, has the manners to go no further. For it is not our nation’s way.

    Smell of cannabis makes me feel unsafe, says wuss

    A TOTAL f**king wuss has confessed the odour of cannabis makes him feel terribly unsafe and as if police should arrest everyone within a 500ft radius who is not him.

    Woman dumped so incompetently she’d rather be ghosted

    A WOMAN is suffering through a break-up handled with such staggering ineptitude that she would honestly prefer her ex to disappear without a word.

    She’s a waterfall, and other metaphors for women employed by singers trying to get laid

    WHAT is she? Definitely not a groupie, no, she’s some form of flattering abstract noun and you’re prepared to elaborate if she takes her top off. These comparisons led to sex...

    NEXT >
    • Features

      • Five weekend activities that say 'this relationship is dead'
      • Boris Johnson's guide to 'levelling up' your life
      • The social media ars*hole's guide to being right
      • Four IKEA products in urgent need of a Brexit makeover
      • Six fun things to do with your Brexit 50p
      • 'It sounds completely insane, but I genuinely like my kids'
      • This year’s top five bullsh*t food trends
      • How to go easy on people who wear hats
    • Arts & Entertainment

      • Bob Dylan, and five other artists fans get far, far too into
      • They wouldn't let me queue-jump even though I have anxiety: A Gen-Z recounts the distress of attending a gig
      • The five types of book on your bedside table that you'll never read
      • Piercing blue eyes, and other romance cliches that sound sexy, but aren't
      • Your guide to what the f**k Squid Game is about
      • Halsey and other world famous pop stars you've literally never f**king heard of
      • Most Haunted and other bullshit TV classics of yesteryear
      • The seven stages of disappointment in a new streaming show
    • Business

      • Tupperware faces bankruptcy due to decline of wife-swapping
      • Tesco Metro changes slogan to 'because you can't be f***ed doing a big shop'
      • Five rip-off toys to sell to kids
      • Man receives text advising that delivery driver has stopped for a piss
      • How to celebrate Pride as a rapacious British company
    • Environment

      • Big area of Britain nobody cares about to be flooded
      • Spiders ranked from 'flesh-crawling' to 'run out of the house screaming'
      • Foxes eating leftover kebabs, and other beautiful natural sights of London
      • The Greenpeace guide to making a great point in the worst way possible
      • Partial eclipses shit, astronomer confirms
    • Most Popular

    • Freshers working hard on ridiculous personas

      TEENAGERS about to start university are developing absurd new personalities in an attempt to seem interesting.

    • Man who can't stop talking boll*cks clearly ideal for Brexit negotiations

      BORIS Johnson’s incessant flow of bullsh*t is perfect for Brexit negotiations, it has been claimed.

    • 'Predator' to win all film awards for 30th consecutive year

      PREDATOR is set to continue its unbroken run of winning every film prize since 1988.

    • Berlin to send back thousands of British hipsters

      BERLIN will return thousands of hipsters when Britain fully departs the EU, it has emerged.

    • No, really, what's the plan, though? May asked

      THERESA May has been told that yesterday's speech was great fun but she now needs to announce the real Brexit plan.

    • Unstable friend now somehow a counsellor

      A WOMAN with a chaotic personal life and a history of believing in total nonsense is now being paid to give people advice, shocked friends have revealed.

    • Agony Aunt: Dear Boris, Under no circumstances should you call someone a 'fannybadger'

      Dear Holly, Can you help me come up with an insult that is more accessible to the ignorant underclasses? Yours, Boris

    • Ask Holly: We're going to put on a massive concert to end Nigel Farage - Do you think we can pull it off?

      If Brexit happens the British people will no longer have access to Nutella or Toblerone or Ferrero Rocher, which would be nothing short of a CATASTROPHE.

    • Dear Holly: Do you think I've got that Lyme disease or something?

      “After about nine months there is an intense searing pain in my crotch and, weirdly, I hear a baby crying.”

    • Dear Holly: "I've basically been fannying about"

      I’m in the shit. I need an excuse, and quick, can you help? Yours, Sir John Chilcot

    • Ask Holly: How can I ensure my retorts are always witty in future?

      Dear Holly,
      The other day I got involved in an exchange of  words with a taxi driver and only later did I think of something funny  to say, but by then it was too late.

    • Health

      • Fitness freak friend plagued by unimaginable darkness
      • Sabrina Carpenter assesses whether that rash is anything to be concerned about
      • It's just a cold, says colleague coughing all over the office
      • PE teacher fully aware it's not real teaching
    • Society

      • Toasted behind radiator, flew out of window: how you lost your childhood pets
      • Wear a straw boater to the local comp: How to fake your children going to private school
      • Wolf 'allowed to identify as a schoolboy' would be more worrying
      • Southerner returns from North with wild stories of it being 'alright'
    • Politics

    • Celebrity

      • Harry finally away from Meghan so we can hint he's shagging someone
      • Baby hippo going to be so sexy when it grows up
      • Eamonn Holmes' guide to keeping the romance alive in a transactional relationship
      • Anonymous caller books Woking Pizza Express for a party
    • Sport

    • Science & Technology

      • Latest smartphone is smartphone from two smartphones ago
      • Father prints out and posts meme
      • You've passed your test, but can you actually drive? Take our quiz
      • The real reasons Jeff Bezos is going into space
    • Most Popular

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