the dailymash
  • Shop
  • Society
  • Business
  • Arts & Entertainment
  • Celebrity
  • Health
  • International
  • Science & Technology
  • War
  • Environment
  • Animals
  • Columnists
  • Agony Aunt
  • Horoscopes
  • In Pictures
Follow

    the dailymash

    Friday, 18th July 2025
    • Home
    • News
      • Society
      • International
      • War
      • Business
      • Environment
      • Health
      • Science & Technology
      • Arts & Entertainment
      • Celebrity
      • News Briefly
    • Politics
    • Lifestyle
    • Sport
    • Opinion
    • Agony Aunt
    • Psychic Bob
    • Shop
    • Mash Books

    Your astrological week ahead for July 19th, with Psychic Bob

    Great so many people have been able to see Oasis this summer. They can cross that off their bucket hat list.

    Is your wanking ratio normal for your age?

    STILL spanking one out at 50? Concerned the frequency of your solo self-abuse is not age appropriate? Our quiz will tell you whether to throttle back or push ever onwards.

    We ask you: how are you preparing your 12-year-old to vote in the next general election?

    LABOUR’S voting age change means today’s 12-year-olds will vote in the next election. How are you readying them for their civic responsibilities?

    Most children don’t really need to go to school, say experts

    THE majority of British children should be excused school as it is a waste of their and society’s time, say experts.

    The Archbishop of Canterbury on… enjoying Wonderwall for the 10,000th time, Noel?

    WAKING with a hangover the size of Hampshire, I clear my system by vomiting copiously from an upstairs window, which drenches a passerby but calms my stomach magnificently, and reflect upon the week’s events. 

    Man going to Greece for holiday learning how to speak English louder

    A MAN heading to Athens for his summer holiday is brushing up on how to speak English slowly and more loudly.

  • My reference to ‘secrets’ in Epstein letter was to the secret levels on Tony Hawk’s Underground, explains Trump

    DONALD Trump has explained the ‘secret’ he and Jeffrey Epstein shared was how to unlock Shrek as a playable character on Tony Hawk’s Underground.

    We have always been passionate about vaping, Fortnite and drip, by Kemi Badenoch

    AFTER a hard day being Tory leader, there’s nothing I like more than to chillax with a mango ice vape, some Charlie XXX and spawning into a nice relaxing game of Fortnite. I find it very nang.

    Entire Coldplay audience hides faces in case anyone finds out

    Trump restores cane toad hallucinogens to Coca-Cola

    Patties like beer mats and chips from f**king sweet potatoes: The gammon food critic’s smash burger bar experience

    NOBODY knows their burgers like us Brits. They're a homegrown national institution, like pizzas and curry. Except these days everyone feels the need to reinvent the f**king wheel.

    Setting up a full outdoor kitchen, and other ways to piss off fellow campers at a festival

    ARE you setting up tables, chairs and a six-ring gas hob in very limited space at a summer festival? You’re probably being a dick in these ways too.

    If someone removed the whip from me I’d be f**king delighted, by an office worker

    SO Starmer’s removed the whip from four of his MPs, meaning no nasty bastard threatening them if they don’t follow orders? Is anyone else not seeing a downside?

    How we faked the whole Epstein scandal to screw Trump. By Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama

    DONALD Trump has claimed the entire Epstein scandal is a hoax by Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. Here they explain how they pulled off this incredible feat of deception.

    How to see a boob once porn sites roll out age checks: A guide for teenage boys

    UNDER the age of 18 and worried how you’ll ever see funbags again when porn sites ask for age verification? Follow these simple steps.

    UK oddly reluctant to give savings to coked-up brokers who’ll lose the lot

    How to not send an email that risks 100,000 lives and costs £7 billion

    WORRIED you might be about to send the most expensive and life-endangering email ever sent? But it’s 4.58pm? Here’s how to do the most basic checks.

    Sycamore Gap prisoners confronted by group of oaks in showers

    THE men who cut down the Sycamore Gap tree have been cornered by a copse of menacing oaks in the prison showers hissing ‘Where’s your chainsaw now?’

    I am outraged that the current government did this in 2022

    JUST when you thought it couldn’t get any worse for Starmer, we find out that before he even took office he cleared thousands of Afghans to enter the UK.

    Wet Leg, and other indie bands whose novelty wore off fast

    JUST because your band appeals to 6Music listeners doesn’t mean you’re more than a one-hit wonder. These bands found their fans’ loyalty did not stretch to a second album.

    NEXT >
    • Features

      • Five weekend activities that say 'this relationship is dead'
      • Boris Johnson's guide to 'levelling up' your life
      • The social media ars*hole's guide to being right
      • Four IKEA products in urgent need of a Brexit makeover
      • Six fun things to do with your Brexit 50p
      • 'It sounds completely insane, but I genuinely like my kids'
      • This year’s top five bullsh*t food trends
      • How to go easy on people who wear hats
    • Arts & Entertainment

      • Bob Dylan, and five other artists fans get far, far too into
      • They wouldn't let me queue-jump even though I have anxiety: A Gen-Z recounts the distress of attending a gig
      • The five types of book on your bedside table that you'll never read
      • Piercing blue eyes, and other romance cliches that sound sexy, but aren't
      • Your guide to what the f**k Squid Game is about
      • Halsey and other world famous pop stars you've literally never f**king heard of
      • Most Haunted and other bullshit TV classics of yesteryear
      • The seven stages of disappointment in a new streaming show
    • Business

      • Tupperware faces bankruptcy due to decline of wife-swapping
      • Tesco Metro changes slogan to 'because you can't be f***ed doing a big shop'
      • Five rip-off toys to sell to kids
      • Man receives text advising that delivery driver has stopped for a piss
      • How to celebrate Pride as a rapacious British company
    • Environment

      • Big area of Britain nobody cares about to be flooded
      • Spiders ranked from 'flesh-crawling' to 'run out of the house screaming'
      • Foxes eating leftover kebabs, and other beautiful natural sights of London
      • The Greenpeace guide to making a great point in the worst way possible
      • Partial eclipses shit, astronomer confirms
    • Most Popular

    • Freshers working hard on ridiculous personas

      TEENAGERS about to start university are developing absurd new personalities in an attempt to seem interesting.

    • Man who can't stop talking boll*cks clearly ideal for Brexit negotiations

      BORIS Johnson’s incessant flow of bullsh*t is perfect for Brexit negotiations, it has been claimed.

    • 'Predator' to win all film awards for 30th consecutive year

      PREDATOR is set to continue its unbroken run of winning every film prize since 1988.

    • Berlin to send back thousands of British hipsters

      BERLIN will return thousands of hipsters when Britain fully departs the EU, it has emerged.

    • No, really, what's the plan, though? May asked

      THERESA May has been told that yesterday's speech was great fun but she now needs to announce the real Brexit plan.

    • Unstable friend now somehow a counsellor

      A WOMAN with a chaotic personal life and a history of believing in total nonsense is now being paid to give people advice, shocked friends have revealed.

    • Agony Aunt: Dear Boris, Under no circumstances should you call someone a 'fannybadger'

      Dear Holly, Can you help me come up with an insult that is more accessible to the ignorant underclasses? Yours, Boris

    • Ask Holly: We're going to put on a massive concert to end Nigel Farage - Do you think we can pull it off?

      If Brexit happens the British people will no longer have access to Nutella or Toblerone or Ferrero Rocher, which would be nothing short of a CATASTROPHE.

    • Dear Holly: Do you think I've got that Lyme disease or something?

      “After about nine months there is an intense searing pain in my crotch and, weirdly, I hear a baby crying.”

    • Dear Holly: "I've basically been fannying about"

      I’m in the shit. I need an excuse, and quick, can you help? Yours, Sir John Chilcot

    • Ask Holly: How can I ensure my retorts are always witty in future?

      Dear Holly,
      The other day I got involved in an exchange of  words with a taxi driver and only later did I think of something funny  to say, but by then it was too late.

    • Health

      • Fitness freak friend plagued by unimaginable darkness
      • Sabrina Carpenter assesses whether that rash is anything to be concerned about
      • It's just a cold, says colleague coughing all over the office
      • PE teacher fully aware it's not real teaching
    • Society

      • Toasted behind radiator, flew out of window: how you lost your childhood pets
      • Wear a straw boater to the local comp: How to fake your children going to private school
      • Wolf 'allowed to identify as a schoolboy' would be more worrying
      • Southerner returns from North with wild stories of it being 'alright'
    • Politics

    • Celebrity

      • Harry finally away from Meghan so we can hint he's shagging someone
      • Baby hippo going to be so sexy when it grows up
      • Eamonn Holmes' guide to keeping the romance alive in a transactional relationship
      • Anonymous caller books Woking Pizza Express for a party
    • Sport

    • Science & Technology

      • Latest smartphone is smartphone from two smartphones ago
      • Father prints out and posts meme
      • You've passed your test, but can you actually drive? Take our quiz
      • The real reasons Jeff Bezos is going into space
    • Most Popular

    • About / Advertise
    • Contact
    • T's & C's
    • Privacy Policy & Settings
    • RSS
    • Unsubscribe
    Copyright © Digitalbox Publishing Ltd. This site is intended for over 18s only.