Your astrological week ahead for July 12th, with Psychic Bob
Ladies, why not spice up your love life by claiming you’ve been fingered by a ghost?
iPhone convinced you want to commemorate Battle of the Boyne
YOUR iPhone has, for the 15th consecutive year, reminded you that all your other appointments come second to celebrating the Battle of the Boyne.
We ask you: what event are you pairing with this weekend’s alcohol?
BLAZING sun compels every Briton to indulge in alcohol at an event designed for same, whether called ‘Trudy’s wedding’ or ‘Glyndebourne’. What’s yours?
F**k you! We’re off on a term-time holiday
ONE week to go until the end of summer term and go f**k yourself, schools! We’re off on a term-time holiday!
The Archbishop of Canterbury on… RIP Jimmy Swaggart, man of God but mostly prostitutes
WAKING with a hangover so toxic that when I vomit and my dog comes scampering into my room to eat it he drops dead on the spot, I reflect on the week’s events.
France vs Rwanda: Which will stop the boats?
TWO deals with foreign countries were made to stop boats of migrants coming to our shores. But which was best? We compare and contrast the two.
How to get that middle-aged, two-pints-from-violence Oasis fan look: A guide for the young
SEEING Oasis live this weekend? Get the appropriate ‘pissed-up gobshite who’s mad for a fight’ look with this straightforward guide.
Are you suffering from Wallace’s Autism? A checklist of symptoms
GREGG Wallace has been protesting that he has autism, so it must be a rare type that makes you sexually harass people. If you’re concerned you might be affected, here is a checklist of symptoms.
A white home counties roadman ‘as been chosen to be a bossman ball boy at da Wimbledon tennis ting
WAGWAN? Did fam see Active J on da TV? Man woz hinspirational. Parentdem is batshit for da tennis, innit. So dem fixed it for yours truly to be a ball muggle at da Wimbledon ting!
Holidays, breathing, feeling sad: Six things clever Gen Z have invented for us all
BEFORE Gen Z came along, life was devoid of pleasure, style and emotional nuance. Thank goodness they invented all these things completely by themselves.
‘Oh God, does this mean I’ve got to go back on the game?’ asks Geri
GERI Halliwell has looked at her household finances after her husband’s sacking, faced facts and defeatedly put in calls to the other Spice Girls.
Nobody enjoying self-written vows less than bride and groom
A COUPLE who wrote their own highly personal wedding vows were as embarrassed saying them as their guests were listening to them, it has emerged.
A practical guide to claiming all those lovely benefits it’s so easy to get
ARE you furious about sickness benefits supposedly paying more than a job? Clearly it’s time to start claiming yourself since it’s so easy and lucrative. Here’s how.
Why nobody must be punished for the Post Office scandal, by anyone in any kind of power
THERE is loose talk of penance. Of ‘having to pay’. But as a person who has done well in life, I believe we cannot punish anyone involved in the Post Office scandal.
How to stay annoyed during a heatwave
DURING heatwaves it’s important to take appropriate precautions during a heatwave so that you stay British and irritable, not relaxed like a foreigner. Remain peeved with this guide.
Have you seen the twats on these f**king juries, says senior judge
A SENIOR judge has invited the public to look at the cretins and halfwits on the average jury and ask if they would like to be judged by them.
Couple accepts they will never have sex adventurous enough to need a safeword
A COUPLE have agreed they are not really the type to have sex dangerous or boundary-crossing enough to need a safeword, and feel the lesser for it.
